My boyfriend of 2 years dumped me this weekend? I don't agree with the reasoning.

[californiagirl15]

35 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Well you shouldn't have bent over backwards and put all this effort for a guy who sounds like he was lukewarm and ambivalent about you from the start.

True - I shouldnt have. We basically lived together for the past year so since I was always there it made sense for me to help out with the cleaning and laundry. He was always so stressed with work so I was just trying to take one thing off his plate that he wouldnt have to worry about at the end of the day. 

[californiagirl15]

25 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Agree and I wouldn't advise doing all that even if he weren't ambivalent about you, you are his girlfriend, not his mother.

I mean it's lovely to cook for your boyfriend now and then.   Now that I have learned to cook, lol, I do that too.

But NOT all the time and cleaning his apartment, buying him gifts, boosting him up because he is so insecure, HE should be doing those things for himself, including working on ways to boost HIMSELF up and overcome his insecurity and/or self-esteem issues.

That is not a girlfriend's job imho.

He might have even lost a bit of respect for you, for essentially putting HIS needs before yours.

TONS of great lessons to be learned from this @californiagirl15.

I agree it wasn't my job - I love to cook so that's why I did it. I was basically living with him for the past year, so that's why I would clean and do laundry since it was joint. I just wanted to take one thing off his plate at the end of the night since he was always stressed with work and those were things I knew I could do that would just be one less thing to worry about for him. Sucks now that I'm thinking he might've lost a bit of respect for me trying to help him not be so stressed out.

[stillafool]

34 minutes ago, californiagirl15 said:

. Sucks now that I'm thinking he might've lost a bit of respect for me trying to help him not be so stressed out.

See this is the thing, if he were in love with you he'd adore you for doing these things for him but when not you get taken for granted.

[poppyfields]

46 minutes ago, californiagirl15 said:

I agree it wasn't my job - I love to cook so that's why I did it. I was basically living with him for the past year, so that's why I would clean and do laundry since it was joint. I just wanted to take one thing off his plate at the end of the night since he was always stressed with work and those were things I knew I could do that would just be one less thing to worry about for him. Sucks now that I'm thinking he might've lost a bit of respect for me trying to help him not be so stressed out.

Just my experience, but the woman he ultimately falls in love with probably won't even know how to cook!  HE will be cooking for her and buying HER gifts.

There will be no confusion or not knowing how he feels or what he wants.  

That's typically how it goes.

When women do "too much" much for a man, while it's nice and he might say he appreciates it, it won't do anything to move him closer to you emotionally.  He actually needs to put forth effort in "doing" in order to fall in love, again my experience. 

Plus what I have learned from witnessing the behavior of my own brothers, and father, videos I have listened to (Esther Perel) and reading various books and articles.

You never allowed him that opportunity, you made everything "easy" and required no real effort from him in "doing" for you.  

You valued HIS needs before yours, which is never advised unless you want to be considered a doormat (sorry).

Like I said, tons of valuable lesson to be learned from this moving forward.

 

 

 

 

Edited July 19, 2021 by poppyfields

[Daisydooks]

I always try to find the good in the bad/the failure/in my sadness. 

Didnt get that job you wanted? GOOD

Didnt get the guy you dreamed of? GOOD

Didnt get that house you loved? GOOD

This will open you up to the GOOD stuff youve been too busy to notice. Something good is going to come out of this. Please dont ever consider taking this meatball back. 

Chin up, back straight, heart open. ❤

[poppyfields]

I think the OP has left the building. 

I tried clicking on their name and viewing their profile but not able to which reflects that she/he has deactivated their account.

Interesting....

 

[ExpatInItaly]

Unfortunately, he knows that he doesn't feel the same way about you that you do about him.

A guy who can't tell you that he loves you after 2 years is a man that is not in love with you. It's hard to accept but this sounds like quite an emotionally-lopsided relationship with you investing a lot and and him...not. 

I know it hurts. But it's better that this ends here. He doesn't have the right feelings for you to advance this relationship. 

[Lotsgoingon]

 It took us a while to become exclusive, and even when we were exclusive, it took him a while to call me his girlfriend. 

This was the big red flag there all along. Why couldn't he make up his mind? Yea or nay?! ... No matter how much time you spent together, that doesn't overcome his fundamental ambivalence and his severe case of FOMO. 

I sense you over-functioned in the relationship, meaning you were the one who worked hard to arrange things, to not step on his toes, to help him sort through his thoughts. Stop that! That never works. Date someone you equal or don't date. This sounds harsh, but it seems like he was emotionally stunted and immature, and you tried to coach him through or around his immaturity. Can't be done. Can't. Person has to grow up on their own.

The other odd issue for me is that you guys were spending SO MUCH time together. Wait a minute? Did you guys have lives on your own? Activities? Interests? The gap between his hesitation and ambivalence and the time you spent together seems huge. There's a discrepancy there.

BTW: you don't agree with his reasoning. Men (and I assume some women too) are notorious, for expressing guilt and sadness when initiating a breakup. Ignore that--that's all phony. The dumper throws us all kinds of compliments and even expresses ambivalence. Usually that's a foolish attempt at softening the blow. It's actually immaturity. A mature person just breaks up and knows there is no such thing as softening a breakup with someone who loves you. 

No such thing. Never has been. Never will. Breakups HAVE TO hurt. Otherwise, you're not broken up and separated. 

I think you over-functioned and hid from yourself how immature this guy was. Frankly, I don't sense you thought this guy was all that interesting. Date someone not ambivalent next time and someone you don't have to coach like a little kid through the ups and downs of intimacy. Leave this guy alone. 

 

[poppyfields]

On the off chance the OP is still reading, ideally there should be an equal balance of give and take.  In different ways but equal nonetheless.

In your RL, from what you posted, it was unbalanced with you putting forth most if not all the effort.

Anyway, just another lesson learned on your journey, assuming you're still around reading.

Best of luck.

 

Edited July 19, 2021 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

Agreed. Reluctance from one person to commit, even at the beginning, is the very least an orange flag. Not saying nthat a meaningful connection or relationship can’t come from it, but there  will most likely always at least be a power/emotional investment imbalance throughout and you’re setting yourself up for trouble IMO . You shouldn’t have to drag someone kicking in screaming to like you.  Find someone who is feeling you roughly as much as you’re feeling them.  

Edited July 19, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Kai_Kai]

5 hours ago, californiagirl15 said:

My boyfriend of 2 years dumped me this weekend. We have had a very slow relationship to say the least. It took us a while to become exclusive, and even when we were exclusive, it took him a while to call me his girlfriend. 

None of that stuff bothered me all that much because I do believe we had a great relationship. We got along so well, we were together every day (when we weren't together he was always calling/texting me/or inviting me over), every time we had an argument which was few and far between we resolved them quickly, we've vacationed together, we go out to dinner all the time etc. It was genuinely a very special relationship we had but I was always nervous that I wasn't good enough for him. 

I had this doubt because really, nothing in his life was ever good enough for him. I noticed very quickly on that he had overwhelming FOMO (fear of missing out) and was very indecisive. He was constantly saying he needed new friends, new clothes, a new job, new roommates etc. I figured it was only a matter of time until that happened to me, but looking at how great our relationship was I never really thought it would happen. 

He broke up with me because he doesnt know what he wants. There isn't anybody else, I made sure of that. He told me that his last girlfriend (they broke up 2 years before I met him) treated him poorly and they fought all the time, and now he has someone who gives him the world but for some reason he doesn't know what he wants and feels like somethings blocking him from taking the next step (telling me he loves me). Within the 2 years between me and his ex, and the 6 months before we became exclusive he was dating other people and on dating apps.

I told him I think this relationship is worth saving and we just need to work on things together and provided solutions (more date nights, more nights with friends, bringing back the workout classes we did pre COVID).

He told me he doesnt know if this feeling is something that can be worked on together and is nervous that if we do try, it doesn't work out, I will resent him and it will ruin the chance of getting back together in the future. He also told me he's nervous to close the door on this relationship and fear he's making a terrible decision. In the end, we went with his idea and decided it's best to break up, I can't continue in a relationship where I constantly feel on edge of being replaced and he can't continue in a relationship that he feels unstable with because of this unknown feeling/thing he's searching for.

It was a really emotional breakup, I didn't get angry and believe I was very understanding during the entire thing. It ended with him kissing me on the forehead, telling me how much he is going to miss me but that this is whats best for us. I did text him later that night just telling him that I had this gut feeling we should not have broken up but I know he needs the time to figure himself out. He told me that may be the case, but he thinks he has to do it because it gives us time to figure out what we really want.

I really do care for him so much, I don't know what went wrong here. We are broken up but I cannot shake the feeling of getting back together. I know I need to give him this time to be alone, but all I can think about is getting a text from him in a few months or so and my fear is that that never happens. 

I personally would let it go. A relationship is  not a term paper that you can go back to your professor and have it re-graded because you disagree with their conclusion of your grade. It's a relationship where there should have been compromising, communication, and negotiable prior to the break up. But, that's your decision and only you know truly deep down if you want to move forward and fight for it. 

[Lotsgoingon]

2 hours ago, Olivia24 said:

You are an awesome  girl!!

 

Ditto this. My comments were just aimed at encouraging you to date someone equally awesome. This guy was years behind in emotional awareness, self-awareness, in maturity, in clarity. 

OP: don't be afraid to claim your own confidence and your own value. You can do much better than this guy.