My boyfriend of 2 years dumped me this weekend? I don't agree with the reasoning.

July 19, 2021

My boyfriend of 2 years dumped me this weekend. We have had a very slow relationship to say the least. It took us a while to become exclusive, and even when we were exclusive, it took him a while to call me his girlfriend.

None of that stuff bothered me all that much because I do believe we had a great relationship. We got along so well, we were together every day (when we weren't together he was always calling/texting me/or inviting me over), every time we had an argument which was few and far between we resolved them quickly, we've vacationed together, we go out to dinner all the time etc. It was genuinely a very special relationship we had but I was always nervous that I wasn't good enough for him.

I had this doubt because really, nothing in his life was ever good enough for him. I noticed very quickly on that he had overwhelming FOMO (fear of missing out) and was very indecisive. He was constantly saying he needed new friends, new clothes, a new job, new roommates etc. I figured it was only a matter of time until that happened to me, but looking at how great our relationship was I never really thought it would happen.

He broke up with me because he doesnt know what he wants. There isn't anybody else, I made sure of that. He told me that his last girlfriend (they broke up 2 years before I met him) treated him poorly and they fought all the time, and now he has someone who gives him the world but for some reason he doesn't know what he wants and feels like somethings blocking him from taking the next step (telling me he loves me). Within the 2 years between me and his ex, and the 6 months before we became exclusive he was dating other people and on dating apps.

I told him I think this relationship is worth saving and we just need to work on things together and provided solutions (more date nights, more nights with friends, bringing back the workout classes we did pre COVID).

He told me he doesnt know if this feeling is something that can be worked on together and is nervous that if we do try, it doesn't work out, I will resent him and it will ruin the chance of getting back together in the future. He also told me he's nervous to close the door on this relationship and fear he's making a terrible decision. In the end, we went with his idea and decided it's best to break up, I can't continue in a relationship where I constantly feel on edge of being replaced and he can't continue in a relationship that he feels unstable with because of this unknown feeling/thing he's searching for.

It was a really emotional breakup, I didn't get angry and believe I was very understanding during the entire thing. It ended with him kissing me on the forehead, telling me how much he is going to miss me but that this is whats best for us. I did text him later that night just telling him that I had this gut feeling we should not have broken up but I know he needs the time to figure himself out. He told me that may be the case, but he thinks he has to do it because it gives us time to figure out what we really want.

I really do care for him so much, I don't know what went wrong here. We are broken up but I cannot shake the feeling of getting back together. I know I need to give him this time to be alone, but all I can think about is getting a text from him in a few months or so and my fear is that that never happens.

July 19, 2021

10 minutes ago, californiagirl15 said:

I figured it was only a matter of time until that happened to me, but looking at how great our relationship was I never really thought it would happen.

Do you really want to be in a relationship where you have to walk on eggshells to keep a guy? That is basically what you've been doing and have always been expecting this break up at some point while doing everything possible to keep it from happening. Never be in any relationship where you think you aren't good enough for your partner. The things he said to you to break up seem rather typical of men and you will see that if you read around these forums. Leaving the door ajar but knowing they won't be back. Do not hold out hope or you'll be wasting yout time. It's time to mourn what you had and then move on to healing. Be glad you he let you go now so you don't waste anymore of your time, youth, emotions on a dead end. You have to block him to prevent further confusion, hurt and eventually anger. You will be happy again.

July 19, 2021

16 minutes ago, californiagirl15 said:

I noticed very quickly on that he had overwhelming FOMO (fear of missing out) and was very indecisive. He was constantly saying he needed new friends, new clothes, a new job, new roommates etc. I figured it was only a matter of time until that happened to me, but looking at how great our relationship was I never really thought it would happen. He broke up with me because he doesnt know what he wants.

Sorry this happened. You identified a very important factor and that is his flakiness and inability to stick with anything.

Don't take him back. On/Off is worse than a clean break.

July 19, 2021

It is possible that (for him) the relationship simply ran its course.

Have you ever watched a TV show for a couple of years. Everything starts out great, and you can't wait for the next episode. After the first year, you'll tune in and watch if nothing else is on. Then the second year starts and you've had enough, nothing is new and you are bored.

It is quite possible that the same type of thing happened with your boyfriend. Everything was all exciting and new in the beginning, then things were pleasant and OK, then after two years he was bored with the relationship. He may want that new excitement again that he felt when you guys first started dating.

For me (in my youth), most of my longer relationships lasted to about the two year mark. I felt like the relationship had run its course and I was ready for something new and different.

July 19, 2021

3 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

It is possible that (for him) the relationship simply ran its course.

Have you ever watched a TV show for a couple of years. Everything starts out great, and you can't wait for the next episode. After the first year, you'll tune in and watch if nothing else is on. Then the second year starts and you've had enough, nothing is new and you are bored.

It is quite possible that the same type of thing happened with your boyfriend. Everything was all exciting and new in the beginning, then things were pleasant and OK, then after two years he was bored with the relationship. He may want that new excitement again that he felt when you guys first started dating.

For me (in my youth), most of my longer relationships lasted to about the two year mark. I felt like the relationship had run its course and I was ready for something new and different.

I was thinking that too. He's 30, all of his friends are getting engaged/married, and I think he started to freak out. The worst part is, he told me everything is perfect, I do so much for him and that I have everything he could ever need to be happy long term. He just feels "inexperienced" in relationships and for that reason, doesn't know what he wants.

July 19, 2021

If someone breaks up , you should just agree with their reasoning. Even if you don’t think the reason is true or makes sense, the point remains that they don’t want to be in the relationship anymore

He probably doesn’t 100% understand the reason himself. Or maybe he does, but he could never say.

It’s quite common for things to look fine or ideal to one person, when the other person is secretly harboring dissatisfaction for a long time. The weight of pretending can get tiring, which can in itself cause a break up.

The fact he was so slow to commit can be seen as an orange flag in the future. It may be a reflection of his noncommittal, indecisive attitude about a lot of things. It’s so easy with OLD to be too idealistic .

you can try to dissect the reason all day but the bottom line is that you’re into someone or you’re not. You want to be with them or you do not.

Therefore it’s best to just accept whatever the reason may be and move on

Edited July 19, 2021 by Cookiesandough

July 19, 2021

Honestly, you are better off without him and need to let him go.

He has spent two years holding you at arm's length because he is worried someone better might come along. He's constantly worried that "the grass is greener" and it shines through in his fear of committing to you. I seriously can't imagine devoting two years to a man who can't even say "I love you" after so long.

You deserve better. Grieve, do what you need to do to heal, and then find a man who will appreciate you.

July 19, 2021

45 minutes ago, californiagirl15 said:

My boyfriend of 2 years dumped me this weekend.

He broke up with me because he doesnt know what he wants.

I told him I think this relationship is worth saving and we just need to work on things together and provided solutions (more date nights, more nights with friends, bringing back the workout classes we did pre COVID).

@californiagirl15, I am sorry your relationship ended, but advice going forward, when a man dumps you, no matter how long you've been together, OR the reason he gives you, you graciously show him the door, wish him well and LET HIM GO.

The worst possible thing you could have done is attempt to talk him out of it (as per bolded).

How demeaning and debasing. No man is worth you losing your self-respect for which is what that was, it's a step up from begging.

He has made it clear he is DONE. He doesn't want to talk about it, he doesn't want to "fix" anything, it's over.

So let him go, and find a man on your same wavelength, and whom you don't have to try and convince to stay with you.

Time heals and all the best moving FORWARD.

Edited July 19, 2021 by poppyfields

July 19, 2021

1 minute ago, clia said:

Honestly, you are better off without him and need to let him go.

He has spent two years holding you at arm's length because he is worried someone better might come along. He's constantly worried that "the grass is greener" and it shines through in his fear of committing to you. I seriously can't imagine devoting two years to a man who can't even say "I love you" after so long.

You deserve better. Grieve, do what you need to do to heal, and then find a man who will appreciate you.

Yeah I completely agree. He always thinks the grass is greener. I think I'm just nervous that when he realizes the grass isn't always greener, he will come back. If he doesn't come back, my ego might take a hit lol

July 19, 2021

14 minutes ago, californiagirl15 said:

The worst part is, he told me everything is perfect, I do so much for him and that I have everything he could ever need to be happy long term.

Translation: You have everything he wants and needs in a woman; but he's not in love and doesn't see it happening.

July 19, 2021

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

@californiagirl15, I am sorry your relationship ended, but advice going forward, when a man dumps you, no matter how long you've been together, you show him the door, wish him well and LET HIM GO.

The worst possible thing you could have done is attempt to talk him out of it (as per bolded).

How demeaning and debasing. No man is worth you losing your self-respect for which is what that was, it's a step up from begging.

He has made it clear he is DONE. He doesn't want to talk about it, he doesn't want to "fix" anything, it's over.

So let him go, and find a man on your same wavelength, and whom you don't have to try and convince to stay with you.

Time heals and all the best moving FORWARD.

Thank you - Completely agree. I would never want to beg someone to stay with me. I think reason I did it was because he kept saying he didn't know what to do. He didnt want to close the door on something so great, but felt too "inexperienced" to know if he was ready to commit. At the end of the day, he dumped me to find out if the grass is greener on the other side.

July 19, 2021

I hate to break this to you, but it doesn't matter if you don't agree with his reasoning. Breaking up with someone is the one thing that a partner doesn't need the other partner's consent to do. He can break up with you for any reason. Honestly it sounds like he's just not that into you. Maintain your dignity and accept it. Don't ever beg a man to be with you who doesn't want to be with you.

July 19, 2021

Just now, californiagirl15 said:

Thank you - Completely agree. I would never want to beg someone to stay with me. I think reason I did it was because he kept saying he didn't know what to do. He didnt want to close the door on something so great, but felt too "inexperienced" to know if he was ready to commit. At the end of the day, he dumped me to find out if the grass is greener on the other side.

Okay so I am not buying that, it's BS imho. He knows exactly what to do and he did it. Whatever he said was just noise and perhaps to ease the blow.

The way I see it, you are a grown woman, strong, resilient you should not need him or any man to "ease the blow," I cannot stand that, it is also debasing.

If me I would have wished him well, and told him I hoped he figures everything out. Bye.

I've done it!

And guess what, they always came back but it was too late, I had already moved on by then.

July 19, 2021

4 minutes ago, californiagirl15 said:

I think reason I did it was because he kept saying he didn't know what to do.

He knows exactly what he wants to do, he wanted to break up and that's what he did. He's saying "I don't know what I want" as a way to let you down easy, as a way to soften the blow. People usually tell white lies when they dump someone.

July 19, 2021

1 minute ago, ShyViolet said:

He knows exactly what he wants to do, he wanted to break up and that's what he did. He's saying "I don't know what I want" as a way to let you down easy, as a way to soften the blow. People usually tell white lies when they dump someone.

LOL, exactly what I said! Brilliant minds......

July 19, 2021

32 minutes ago, californiagirl15 said:

I really do care for him so much, I don't know what went wrong here. We are broken up but I cannot shake the feeling of getting back together. I know I need to give him this time to be alone, but all I can think about is getting a text from him in a few months or so and my fear is that that never happens.

But you know exactly what went wrong. You described very clearly to us that he was the sort of person who ultimately wasn't satisfied with anything. And you were right. So he turned out to be predictable. But you don't want to accept the plain truth.

What you're doing is the equivalent of dating a man who doesn't want kids when you know you want kids then wondering why he doesn't want kids with you and ultimately ends things 2 years into your relationship. Please don't do this to yourself. Don't waste your precious time and energy hoping that this guy will change into something he's not.

If you genuinely love and respect him, you should accept that this is who he is and let him go. And somewhere down the road, take the time to examine whether it's possible that you're pining for an unavailable man because deep, down inside, there's a part of you that doesn't really want a long-term relationship.

July 19, 2021

4 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

But you know exactly what went wrong. You described very clearly to us that he was the sort of person who ultimately wasn't satisfied with anything. And you were right. So he turned out to be predictable. But you don't want to accept the plain truth.

What you're doing is the equivalent of dating a man who doesn't want kids when you know you want kids then wondering why he doesn't want kids with you and ultimately ends things 2 years into your relationship. Please don't do this to yourself. Don't waste your precious time and energy hoping that this guy will change into something he's not.

If you genuinely love and respect him, you should accept that this is who he is and let him go. And somewhere down the road, take the time to examine whether it's possible that you're pining for an unavailable man because deep, down inside, there's a part of you that doesn't really want a long-term relationship.

That's very true - I think the hardest part of all of this was I did everything for him. Made breakfast, lunch, dinner, cleaned the apartment, surprised him with gifts, also made sure I complimented him because I knew how insecure he felt constantly, did his laundry etc. All of time and effort that went into this ended up just blowing up in my face to hear he thinks someone that he doesnt know could possibly be better for him. Just sucks

July 19, 2021

1 minute ago, californiagirl15 said:

That's very true - I think the hardest part of all of this was I did everything for him. Made breakfast, lunch, dinner, cleaned the apartment, surprised him with gifts, also made sure I complimented him because I knew how insecure he felt constantly, did his laundry etc. All of time and effort that went into this ended up just blowing up in my face to hear he thinks someone that he doesnt know could possibly be better for him. Just sucks

I know. Next time don't move in with a guy until he says he's in love with you and certainly don't break your back trying to please him until you're sure.

July 19, 2021

9 minutes ago, californiagirl15 said:

That's very true - I think the hardest part of all of this was I did everything for him. Made breakfast, lunch, dinner, cleaned the apartment, surprised him with gifts, also made sure I complimented him because I knew how insecure he felt constantly, did his laundry etc. All of time and effort that went into this ended up just blowing up in my face to hear he thinks someone that he doesnt know could possibly be better for him. Just sucks

That kinda stuff doesn’t make someone fall in love though. Anyone can do laundry or cook for you. It’s a lot easier if all you’re looking for is a housekeeper. Sorry to say but I think a lot of people bend over backwards to be what a person wants and it ends up blowing up in their face. It makes you seem like you put them on a pedestal so it’s hard for them to respect you cuz they’re thinking ‘this person is too about me… maybe I can do better’ I think it’s a sad thing about people because I’m sure you were an were a great gf and would be for someone … even if he came back because he started to miss those aspects and the comfort… it wouldn’t necessarily be back because he was in love. I’m sorry

Edited July 19, 2021 by Cookiesandough

July 19, 2021

29 minutes ago, californiagirl15 said:

Yeah I completely agree. He always thinks the grass is greener. I think I'm just nervous that when he realizes the grass isn't always greener, he will come back. If he doesn't come back, my ego might take a hit lol

But what the heck would you want this flip flop of a man back for? He doesnt even know if he loves you after TWO YEARS. You do not want this one back. Promise

July 19, 2021

15 minutes ago, californiagirl15 said:

That's very true - I think the hardest part of all of this was I did everything for him. Made breakfast, lunch, dinner, cleaned the apartment, surprised him with gifts, also made sure I complimented him because I knew how insecure he felt constantly, did his laundry etc. All of time and effort that went into this ended up just blowing up in my face to hear he thinks someone that he doesnt know could possibly be better for him. Just sucks

Well you shouldn't have bent over backwards and put all this effort for a guy who sounds like he was lukewarm and ambivalent about you from the start.

July 19, 2021

15 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Well you shouldn't have bent over backwards and put all this effort for a guy who sounds like he was lukewarm and ambivalent about you from the start.

Agree and I wouldn't advise doing all that even if he weren't ambivalent about you, you are his girlfriend, not his mother.

I mean it's lovely to cook for your boyfriend now and then. Now that I have learned to cook, lol, I do that too.

But NOT all the time and cleaning his apartment, buying him gifts, boosting him up because he is so insecure, HE should be doing those things for himself, including working on ways to boost HIMSELF up and overcome his insecurity and/or self-esteem issues.

That is not a girlfriend's job imho.

He might have even lost a bit of respect for you, for essentially putting HIS needs before yours.

TONS of great lessons to be learned from this @californiagirl15.

Edited July 19, 2021 by poppyfields

July 19, 2021

It takes two to be together but only one to breakup. It doesn't matter if you agree with him or not quite honestly - he's gone. You shouldn't take him back if he comes knocking in my opinion. This guy will always have 'gigs' - grass is greener syndrome. If you married him, he'd likely to the same at some point (and maybe 10 years later with 2 kids, etc). I'm sorry, but it is over - or should be.

July 19, 2021

22 minutes ago, californiagirl15 said:

That's very true - I think the hardest part of all of this was I did everything for him. Made breakfast, lunch, dinner, cleaned the apartment, surprised him with gifts, also made sure I complimented him because I knew how insecure he felt constantly, did his laundry etc. All of time and effort that went into this ended up just blowing up in my face to hear he thinks someone that he doesnt know could possibly be better for him. Just sucks

It doesn't have to be a complete waste of time, you know? Think about this experience as schooling on what works and what doesn't work for you in a relationship. You now know for sure that this guy isn't right for you. If he tries to make a return or someone similar pops up in the future, you can avoid repeating the same mistakes and save your energy for better prospects.

Maybe there is someone out there that he doesn't know yet who could be better for him. I know that it hurts. Allow yourself to feel the hurt and then move on swiftly because, you know what? There is definitely someone out there who is a much better match for you, and it's possible you haven't met him yet. There is someone out there who will love and appreciate you as you are and who will KNOW that he wants to make a commitment to you. (But you won't get a chance to meet that guy if you're still tied to this ambivalent guy.)

July 19, 2021

8 minutes ago, notbroken said:

It takes two to be together but only one to breakup. It doesn't matter if you agree with him or not quite honestly - he's gone. You shouldn't take him back if he comes knocking in my opinion. This guy will always have 'gigs' - grass is greener syndrome. If you married him, he'd likely to the same at some point (and maybe 10 years later with 2 kids, etc). I'm sorry, but it is over - or should be.

‘Gree, sadly

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My boyfriend of 2 years dumped me this weekend? I don't agree with the reasoning.

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