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He broke up with me because I talked to another man and.

brokenheartedandsad

By brokenheartedandsad
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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brokenheartedandsad Member

brokenheartedandsad

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Hi everybody, I am not sure where to even start. I am so very heartbroken and sad. My partner of 7 years broke up with me because I talked to another guy without him knowing. Here is my story:

I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years and we have had lots of ups and downs due to my extreme and irrational jealousy and insecurity. I love him more than anything and I would never ever do anything to intentionally hurt him! I truly believe that we are made for each other. I realize that I do not make things easy for him at all with my crazy insecure and jealous episodes. But I am always trying to work on it, I actually realize that I am the problem. He has NEVER done anything to make me doubt his love for me. 

The only thing that bothers me a lot is that he never compliments me or my body and it does make matters worse. We also do not have a lot of sex at all, which sex is very important to me for a happy and fulfilling relationship. 

Anyway, last week I emailed another guy that I was good friends with for just a few months which happened before I even met my boyfriend, so a former friend so to speak.  I have emailed with this guy once when he told me he was married and when he had a baby and when I let him know that I found my current boyfriend, the love of my life. NEVER has anything inappropriate or sexual been said. It wasn't whole conversations either just informing each other. Anyway, unfortunately my boyfriend knew nothing about these few emails. I have no idea at all why I even emailed the guy last week, I actually just emailed him a few pictures of something that I thought would interest him (a place he loves).

That guy means nothing to me of course and he did not even respond. I just did this randomly and again I have zero clue why. BTW he lived in the other end of the country last time he reached out and from BOTH sides there was NEVER any sexual intentions!!!

Well, what makes it REALLY bad and messed up is that while I was not only stupid enough to send the damn email, I accidentally forwarded it to my boyfriends old email address as well.

While I do not think that he would have ever seen this, since he does not use his old email address anymore to my knowledge....my guilty conscience made me confess to him anyway. Because I REALLY and HONESTLY love him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him :(

 

I totally understand how hurt and disappointed he is, he said that this is so messed up because of how hard of a time I give him when he is around any other woman....and he is mad that he thinks I only confessed because I emailed him too by accident. 

I am such a loser, I really love him more than anything and he is the best that has ever happened to me. I told him I was willing to do anything to not loose him. Oh and btw he always can have free access to any of my emails or phone etc I never had any problems with that. 

What can I do? I miss him so much and I wish he can forgive me :( I feel so bad knowing how much I hurt him and let him down!!!

Heartbroken

Edited to say that I am normally a very honest and transparent girlfriend and person. I do not have secrets and I regret messing up with this!

 

Edited by brokenheartedandsad
Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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Sorry this happened. Your BF sounds awful. Talk to trusted friends and family about his bad attitude.

californiagirl15 Member

californiagirl15

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I hate to say this, but I think you dodged a bullet here. He got so angry to the point of breaking up because you sent a guy friend an email. I know it hurts right now and it will for a while since you've been together so long, but this break up probably saved you from a lifetime of arguments and stress. 

If it puts your mind at ease, give him a week or so and then reach out (nothing more than a paragraph) to apologize and hope to talk. If that works, great but maybe. reasses your boyfriend's maturity levels before jumping right back in. 

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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Actually I think your bf used  the email thing with the other guy as his excuse to break up with you which is what he wanted to do anyway.  He's been thinking about breaking up for a while and you gave him an excuse.  Do not chase him as it will further turn him off.  You were sexually incompatible and you weren't happy and it seems neither was he due to the amount of sex he wasn't giving you.   Try personal counseling for your jealousy issues so you won't take this into your future relationships.  You will be happy again.

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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32 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Actually I think your bf used  the email thing with the other guy as his excuse to break up with you which is what he wanted to do anyway.  He's been thinking about breaking up for a while and you gave him an excuse.  

Agree, it's a form a blame-shifting, which I recently read an article about.

HE wanted out and took this very minor infraction of you talking to another guy as an excuse and blamed you for something HE had been wanting for a while.

I also agree to seek some professional help to help you determine where your extreme jealousy and insecurity stems from and why you choose men who exacerbate those emotions.

I'm sorry things didn't work out, and hope you feel better soon, which you WILL, I promise you.

Hugs.

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brokenheartedandsad Member

brokenheartedandsad

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Thank you so much, I really appreciate your replies :)

But honestly I'm very surprised because I really thought that he had a reason to be upset because I actually emailed someone without him knowing....BUT at the same time I freak out when he looks at or talks to any other female. THAT is what he had the problem with I guess. The double standard. I know if he would have done that OMG I would have lost it.

Deep down I really believe or want to believe rather that he truly loves me still as well. And he could have ended it with me at any time. I'm so sad and confused right now. I really was not expecting this to go in this direction, lol. 

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Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

Posted
Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Actually I think your bf used  the email thing with the other guy as his excuse to break up with you which is what he wanted to do anyway.  He's been thinking about breaking up for a while and you gave him an excuse.  Do not chase him as it will further turn him off.  You were sexually incompatible and you weren't happy and it seems neither was he due to the amount of sex he wasn't giving you.   Try personal counseling for your jealousy issues so you won't take this into your future relationships.  You will be happy again.

Agree with this.

It's also possible your boyfriend may have been unfaithful?

You also mention this:

2 hours ago, brokenheartedandsad said:

The only thing that bothers me a lot is that he never compliments me or my body and it does make matters worse. We also do not have a lot of sex at all, which sex is very important to me for a happy and fulfilling relationship. 

 

 

Edited by Alpaca
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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted
18 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

It's also possible your boyfriend may have been unfaithful?

OP, this was my thought also but I didn't want to post it at first.  He may be talking to someone else he feels is a better fit and used THAT excuse to exit.

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brokenheartedandsad Member

brokenheartedandsad

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Of course I have thought of that possibility as well. But I feel like it's very unlikely. He works a lot and he spends every weekend and all holidays with me and he also calls me during his work breaks and once he leaves work, which is after midnight. We live more than 2 hours apart so only see each other once a week.

Regarding the sex issue rather than him cheating I would maybe think that he might have like a porn addiction or something like that but again just guessing. Of course he could be having someone else as well I just don't know when he would have time for that. He works afternoon and nights btw. He told me before that it turns him off, my constant nagging and jealous behavior so that is why he sometimes does not feel like having sex because we argue a lot because of my insecurities. When we do have sex it is really wonderful and he is very loving and he does a lot for me, like cutting the grass even though he has allergies etc. 

I will definitely reach out to him again in a few days, I already apologized but will give him some space for right now. I really do think he is a great guy, but of course he has his faults just as I do....

 

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
19 minutes ago, brokenheartedandsad said:

We live more than 2 hours apart so only see each other once a week....

Unless you know exactly where he is and what he is doing 24 hours a day, which means you would have to forfeit sleep, you cannot say with certainty there is not another woman.

It's a strong possibility since most men I know don't typically end relationships until they've found a replacement they like better or who is a better fit.   

Not all men, but many.  Just how it is much of the time.

I am so sorry to say that I know it hurts, but it's best you not be telling yourself 'stories' (like he still loves you and coming back) to ease the pain of rejection because that will only keep you stuck and prevent you from healing and moving on.

Accept he has moved on, either alone, or with another women, it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme.

And work on YOU.

All the best.

Edited by poppyfields
ShyViolet Established Member

ShyViolet

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This relationship was completely dysfunctional to begin with if you were freaking out and going crazy with jealousy, towards him, over insignificant things.  You were basically doing the same exact thing that you are upset with him for doing.  You won't be able to have a healthy relationship until you work on this.  You say you were aware of it and that "you know you're the problem" yet it doesn't sound like it's improved at all.  A second problem is why on earth you have such low self-esteem that you would stay with someone who treats you like this.  You're not ready to be in a relationship..... seek therapy.

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Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

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Posted
13 minutes ago, brokenheartedandsad said:

Regarding the sex issue rather than him cheating I would maybe think that he might have like a porn addiction or something like that but again just guessing. Of course he could be having someone else as well I just don't know when he would have time for that. He works afternoon and nights btw. He told me before that it turns him off, my constant nagging and jealous behavior so that is why he sometimes does not feel like having sex because we argue a lot because of my insecurities. When we do have sex it is really wonderful and he is very loving and he does a lot for me, like cutting the grass even though he has allergies etc. 

Yes, nagging and jealous behavior certainly doesn't ignite flames of passion.

 

15 minutes ago, brokenheartedandsad said:

I will definitely reach out to him again in a few days, I already apologized but will give him some space for right now. I really do think he is a great guy, but of course he has his faults just as I do....

Okay, good luck!

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted
14 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Unless you know exactly where he is and what he is doing 24 hours a day, which means you would have to forfeit sleep, you cannot say with certainty there is not another woman.

^This.  He could be talking to some woman online or texting with someone who he feels might be more compatible.

Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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Posted (edited)

Why do you need to email some rando guy again, sorry? To  ‘inform each other ’? Why? 

Edited by Cookiesandough
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brokenheartedandsad Member

brokenheartedandsad

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47 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

This relationship was completely dysfunctional to begin with if you were freaking out and going crazy with jealousy, towards him, over insignificant things.  You were basically doing the same exact thing that you are upset with him for doing.  You won't be able to have a healthy relationship until you work on this.  You say you were aware of it and that "you know you're the problem" yet it doesn't sound like it's improved at all.  A second problem is why on earth you have such low self-esteem that you would stay with someone who treats you like this.  You're not ready to be in a relationship..... seek therapy.

I agree, things were not that great because of my jealousy.

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brokenheartedandsad Member

brokenheartedandsad

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22 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Why do you need to email some rando guy again, sorry? To  ‘inform each other ’? Why? 

I honestly had no motive but just sent him a few pictures of a place he liked. There never was anything sexual and never will be. I just informed him when I met my boyfriend and vice versa, that was all really. Because when we met both of us were in not so happy relationships so we were just happy and wanted to share I guess. Now I know it was a huge mistake and please don't get me wrong- I did not 'need' to talk with that guy I have no idea why but I will definitely never again I learned that lesson! 

It just hurts so much because there was nothing sexual or inappropriate involved at all. THAT I would of course understand if he broke up for that. And I do understand and respect that he is very hurt right now so I will give him a few days and then I will reach out again just to see. 

Edited by brokenheartedandsad
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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted (edited)
17 minutes ago, brokenheartedandsad said:

I honestly had no motive but just sent him a few pictures of a place he liked. There never was anything sexual and never will be. I just informed him when I met my boyfriend and vice versa, that was all really. Because when we met both of us were in not so happy relationships so we were just happy and wanted to share I guess. Now I know it was a huge mistake and please don't get me wrong- I did not 'need' to talk with that guy I have no idea why but I will definitely never again I learned that lesson! 

It just hurts so much because there was nothing sexual or inappropriate involved at all. THAT I would of course understand if he broke up for that. And I do understand and respect that he is very hurt right now so I will give him a few days and then I will reach out again just to see. 

I understand. I hope I didn’t come off accusatory. Just trying to understand everything. Do you think there was a little bit of validation and attention from this distant ‘friend’ that maybe your bf was not giving you or no? He could have just been using it as an ‘out’ very easily, but there’s  a lot of history with jealousy and problems on both sides. I get where the others are coming from with because there tends to be a ‘he who smelt it dealt it’ sort of thing with jealousy, but you were also jealous over things too. It’s hard to say 

 

Edited by Cookiesandough
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brokenheartedandsad Member

brokenheartedandsad

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42 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I understand. I hope I didn’t come off accusatory. Just trying to understand everything. Do you think there was a little bit of validation and attention from this distant ‘friend’ that maybe your bf was not giving you or no? He could have just been using it as an ‘out’ very easily, but there’s  a lot of history with jealousy and problems on both sides. I get where the others are coming from with because there tends to be a ‘he who smelt it dealt it’ sort of thing with jealousy, but you were also jealous over things too. It’s hard to say 

 

No, not at all. I appreciate everyone's thoughts on this :) And I really have ZERO to hide! And as far as validation goes, no because then I think I would have sent something inappropriate? I have kind of gotten used to the way my boyfriend is, his love language seems to be actions and gifts etc but not affection. He has told me before that I am beautiful and that I turn him on and he always tells me he loves me. I guess I will have to wait and see but I am still hoping we can reconcile and make it work! Oh and he is not very jealous at all usually, not unreasonable unlike myself. 

Edited by brokenheartedandsad
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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12 minutes ago, brokenheartedandsad said:

And I really have ZERO to hide! And as far as validation goes, no because then I think I would have sent something inappropriate?

A lot of people seeking validation don't just start off with something inappropriate out of the blue. It often starts off with innocent contact and builds. I am not suggesting you had such intentions with this man, but sometimes people seek out attention from others when they're feeling lonely or unseen in their primary relationships. It doesn't make it okay but it happens - and it's often a slippery slope that starts out "innocently" enough. 

In any event, it sounds like your boyfriend was looking for an exit, as the others have said. The sex drying up was not a good sign and probably a symptom of things running their course. Perhaps was not so upset that you made contact with this guy or the content of the email, but that you hold yourself to a double standard and are essentially a hypocrite here. You know you would give him s**t for the same, yet here you are behaving the way you expect him not to. Maybe this was just the straw that broke the camel's back for him. 

Regardless of what happens between you, you need to find a way to address your irrational insecurity and jealousy.  It doesn't sound as though great strides have been made and it will serve you well in future relationships. 

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Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

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The email conversation seems innocuous based on how you described it, yet felt a need to "confess" to your partner about them.

It's evident that you're aware of the issues you need to tackle on your end, which is a great first step, and once you understand why you become jealous, you'll be able to manage it better.

Uruktopi Established Member

Uruktopi

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5 hours ago, brokenheartedandsad said:

BUT at the same time I freak out when he looks at or talks to any other female. THAT is what he had the problem with I guess. The double standard. I know if he would have done that OMG I would have lost it.

May be, just may be, his reacion to what seems to be a normal friendly interaction is related to your one sided jealousy.

Try to think on it not mainly as an individual issue of yours but as an emergent pattern within the relationship, a sign of certain assimetry with (just perhaps) other manifestations.

Something similar happened in the otherwise best relationship I had. 

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brokenheartedandsad Member

brokenheartedandsad

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I agree with everyone that said I need to work on me and my jealousy problems. 

He reached out to me last night asking if he should come cut the grass one morning before work....a 4 hour trip back and forth....and then I asked him if he wanted to talk also and he said yes and that he's free to come talk all weekend. 

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brokenheartedandsad Member

brokenheartedandsad

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18 hours ago, Uruktopi said:

 

May be, just may be, his reacion to what seems to be a normal friendly interaction is related to your one sided jealousy.

Try to think on it not mainly as an individual issue of yours but as an emergent pattern within the relationship, a sign of certain assimetry with (just perhaps) other manifestations.

Something similar happened in the otherwise best relationship I had. 

Yes, I'm pretty sure it was a reaction due to the one sided jealousy!

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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You are not a loser but you admit that you have caused problems in this relationship with your jealousy & insecurity.   This guy has probably felt more emotionally beaten up rather than trusted & loved. 

Think for one minute how you would have reacted had the shoe been on the other foot, if you found out that he was emailing some girl he knew for a few months 7+ years ago before he met you.  Odds are, based on your own admission, you would have gone ballistic.  

This was just the last straw.  He was always accused of being a bad BF but now here you are doing the very thing he was berated about for years.  He had enough.  Let him go. 

Yes, this sucks & it hurts like hell but sometimes we need pain to really learn lessons.  It's time you learned to control your jealousy & to build some self esteem.  As you grieve the loss of this relationship think about all the bad things & the things that went wrong.  Think about what you need to change in how you approach the world & relationships.  Learn to trust.  As you rise from the ashes you will be a better, stronger person who will eventually be a good partner to your life mate.  

Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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2 hours ago, brokenheartedandsad said:

He reached out to me last night asking if he should come cut the grass one morning before work....a 4 hour trip back and forth

Is it a distance relationship? 

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