Married people/people in LTRs, do you wish you could have experienced more ?

[Cookiesandough]

**in dating/sex/romantic relationships ***
 

Do you ever wish you could have experienced more or dated more people before you found your person/settled down? I have feared this. Some people say when you find the right person, you don’t feel that way. That might be for some, but I don’t think that’s necessarily the case. I don’t mean that you unhappy where you’re at, just that you wished you could have dated more. What’s your thoughts on this?  Do you feel like you experienced enough dating/sewed enough wild oats or not? Or do think that’s a concept where more is never enough? 

Edited July 13, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Happy Lemming]

I dated for over 30 years before I settled into my current long term relationship. 

I sowed enough wild oats and dated enough women.  When I met my current girlfriend, I was ready to slow down and get off the carousel.

I'm very happy with the decisions I've made (in the past) and happy with my current partner of 9.5 years.

I have no regrets.

If you don't feel you are ready to settled down, don't do it.  Your life does not have to follow a traditional path, you can date, stay single, do whatever you want to do that makes you happy.  I did!!

 

[chillii]

No l didn't wish that l'd done plenty knew with the right woman l'd be as good as l'd get. What was hard though was far later on in marriage and seeing all these girls around that l couldn't touch any more.Especially with clothes and dress getting hotter and hotter these days.

[d0nnivain]

Nope.  I wish I found him sooner.  

I dated a ton in college.  I practically had a new BF every month.  My sorority sisters joked that my idea of a double date was getting one boy to take me to lunch & a different boy to take me to dinner.  

I then spent the next almost 20 years dating 5 amazing guys long term, at least 2 years.  The last was rather sexually adventurous & we had a robust sex life to say the least.   Instead of wanting more & more variety,  I wish I could have found my one much earlier, like in my late 20s, early 30s rather than not until my late 30s early 40s  I waited too long but he was worth the wait.  

[basil67]

Everything we have today comes from a series of events in the past.   So if I’d done things differently when I was younger, I would have met different people, had different experiences, different jobs et etc and my life would, for better or worse, have gone in a different trajectory and I’d never have met my husband.  

So would I give him up to have played the field more?  No.  Not at all.  

[Gaeta]

I married my first boyfriend, the answer is yes, on so many levels. 

[Weezy1973]

I wish I had dated more in my late teens and 20s. I had a six year relationship (basically a marriage) followed by a 2 year relationship in my 20s and then started dating in my 30s. It wasn’t until going to therapy in my late 30s though that I really started dating with purpose. Which also means I made a lot of mistakes - like people do in general on their teens and 20s when I was in my late 30s and early 40s. But it paid off in meeting and marrying my wife. It would have been nice to change the order around and meet her in my 30s though…

 

But to be clear, it had nothing to do with sewing oats. Therapy was the key. Learning happiness comes from within. No amount of oat sewing can make one happy. It’s just a temporary distraction from unhappiness….

[Uruktopi]

My answers should consider different times of my life while also some more permanent personal "prefferences".

About the last, I´m not so much driven by casual variety, though I had more than enough of it in my single periods.

But I would choose to have a lot from one woman than crumbs from a lot of them. In other words, intensity is for me way more important than variety.

 

About the first........

 

I had a long sexless, affectionless, loveless marriage . I managed to remain married for mostly wrong reasons and loyal for some good but not at all the best possible ones.

During that time I had some "what if" thoughts. But not mainly cos the need of multiple experiences but because SOME love (and yes, SOME sex and romance) would have been an improvement.

 

My two next LTR´s were, some years each one in the three decades following my divorce, were (in their own nature) god even if not typical ones.

And I can say that, while in those relationships, I never had second thoughts, had no eyes for another woman and neither wishes for the "single" lifestyle.

As an old movie was titled, love do strange things to people. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited July 13, 2021 by Uruktopi

[SumGuy]

Not at all. Then again I made that mistake when very young and got very lucky that my second serious relationship was the one, took me over 20 years to find someone remotely comparable.  Foolish to think what might be out there if things are amazing in the moment, but guess that is the nature of lack of expereince, not knowing a good thing when you have it. 

Pretty basic human psychology though, most do not value what they have objectively but more subjectively from what they perceive others have.  Doesn't help that our western economic system is built on the need for constant discontent with what we have to drive consumption.  

[vla1120]

I think it depends on the individual. I never really enjoyed dating and meeting multiple men. Even when I was on dating sites, I could only concentrate on one man at a time. I would have had no problem being married to the same man my entire life. Unfortunately, he wasn't quite as monogamous as I was.🤣

[Happy Lemming]

34 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

No amount of oat sewing can make one happy.

I think it depends on the person... Personally, I was quite happy dating around, "sowing my wild oats" and being nomadic.  My youth was exactly what I wanted. 

Yes, I settled down in my late 40's, but at that point, I was ready. I had gotten all of that "carousing" out of my system.  I had a lot of fun and some GREAT adventures/experiences. 

I wouldn't trade it for the world!!

[mark clemson]

One can't have everything in life. If you have the security and stability of a LT monogamous relationship you will miss out on dating/trying out a lot of partners. If you always/only date around you will miss out on having a LT partner and the "white picket fences/nuclear family" thing that tends to go with that. You can't have both and, frankly, neither is perfect. You'll have to pick your poison in life.

 

13 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

I have feared this.

There is always something to fear/some reason to find to NOT commit. And, reality is that "committing" isn't for everyone, there are plenty of people who are perfectly happy single and prefer that, and plenty of people who tried very hard for LTRs but they didn't work out. As well as those it DOES work out for.

Humans are apparently biologically serial monogamists (most anyhow) so the odds are apparently stacked against true full lifetime LTRs. Which doesn't at all mean they don't occur, as many people "settle down," consciously choose stability at a certain point in life, etc, but I think that explains a lot.

Edited July 13, 2021 by mark clemson

[central]

I dated a lot after leaving my ex and had a lot of great sex, far more than I did when younger.  I could have been monogamous in my next relationship like I was in my first long relationship, even though I knew I slightly preferred some sort of poly relationship.  It was exciting to find out that my next long term relationship didn't have to be monogamous - we were both poly by nature, and open to various kinds of ethical non-monogamy.  And it has worked for us.  We have a great marriage, and lots of great sex even after 21 years.  We've also had a lot of other great sex with a lot of other partners.  Sometimes you can have your cake and eat it too, it seems!

[Lotsgoingon]

Depends on the individual and the personality and their sense of the way the world works. 

So yes, that can happen. I think some people get a very narrow sense of the type of partner they want at a very young age, are very certain about this, and proceed accordingly. And then some of these folks get more life experience and realize, OMG, there were lots of great people outside the box they created for potential mates, people that had all kinds of gifts that they didn't appreciate at the time. Yes, some of these folks wish they had dated more.

Part of the problem has do with how happy you are with your current spouse. The happier you are, I think they less you look back and think about what you missed. 

There is a confidence issue involved here--confidence in your ability to identify a great partner. Took me quite awhile to feel like I knew myself well enough, understood myself well enough to feel confidence about picking a spouse. I grew up in a household with a lot of pain and trauma and stress and that definitely undermined my own confidence in picking a spouse and created great fear in picking a bad spouse!

 

 

[Elsa888]

No.

I dated a bit then married my first husband. It didn't work out and I divorced him..

I was single and dating for many years during which time I formed a very good idea of what I did and didn't want. When my second husband came along I knew he was the man for me and we are still together.

[Els]

No, I don't and have never wished that. I honestly think that some of us are just wired for monogamy - I've never had a relationship that wasn't serious.

[Uruktopi]

For some people, and it´s not a critisism from my side, the main source of attraction and passion is the variety and the casual.

This and the naturalization some other social / cultural factors lead to believe that LTR are necessarily the opposite of passionate love and sex.

So, people have to choose between commitement and eros.

I know for true that this believe is not at all a causal necessity. But sometimes a well stablished self acomplished prophecy, even if "validated" by some academic sources.

We know (or should) that formal logic is a good but not enough tool.

But for the sake of the analogy, I find said believe near of what is called a "fallacy of false dilemma"

Monogamous, exclusive LTR ´s can (only can, but possible) be as if not more passionate and charged with eros than all what multiple partners can bring.

At least for some of us.

Edited July 13, 2021 by Uruktopi

[Soul-shards]

Yes, without a doubt. When you find the right one, there is no doubt. None whatsoever, despite his/her flaws, because every human has those. 

You'll never get the sense of "what if, maybe I should have, well nobody's perfect, etc...." The flaws of a Perfect Match still feel very much OK, like something you can easily work around, overlook, even find endearing, given the larger context. 

Reality 101: people don't have the time to keep looking for that Perfect Fit because the life course is a non-renewable resource for ALL. Most, in fact, settle for someone who feels 'right enough,' at least at that moment, even though they won't admit it even to themselves, let alone to you. The more constraints, the more willingness to settle for someone barely right for them. There are many shades between "Fantastic Fit" and "Bad Fit" and most people end up with one of these shades, then they are packed off to counseling to "work on the marriage.' Meh. 

Some luck out and meet their Fantastic Fit in time for marriage and family. This is rare, like all other lottery jackpots. Modern people's pairing happens in a lottery context because society is extremely disorganized socially, very mixed up, so you really can come across just about anyone, who may look like a good match on face value, only to bring out his/her true colors post-marriage, when you realize "ooops, that really wasn't a good fit for me, after all."

[lana-banana]

No. I don't really regret the time I spent dating, but now that I'm married I would rather chew glass than even think about dating again. Loving someone is amazing even when marriage itself can be hard. It is wonderful to feel honest and fully comfortable being yourself with someone; I wouldn't trade it for the world.

[Allupinnit]

No I wish I had met him about 10 years ago, right when I was hitting my stride professionally.

I met so many effing weirdos, commitmentphobes, narcissists, married men, divorced men with a chip on their shoulder, liars, etc in my 30's that when I finally met my H I felt battle-weary and war-torn.  I'm not even joking about that.  Dating in my 30's nowadays was a mostly soul-sucking experience and I am SO GLAD that I met my H!  Reading threads on here reminds me of just how hard it was. 

[sarah003]

On 7/13/2021 at 7:53 AM, Cookiesandough said:

**in dating/sex/romantic relationships ***
 

Do you ever wish you could have experienced more or dated more people before you found your person/settled down? I have feared this. Some people say when you find the right person, you don’t feel that way. That might be for some, but I don’t think that’s necessarily the case. I don’t mean that you unhappy where you’re at, just that you wished you could have dated more. What’s your thoughts on this?  Do you feel like you experienced enough dating/sewed enough wild oats or not? Or do think that’s a concept where more is never enough? 

So here's something similar to your problem. I am not sure about the solution. Just one thing to say that I tried it and it worked. 

My husband and I have been married for quite a few years and things lately have gotten a little stale; we both work a lot and there doesn't seem to be a lot of passion left between us. I am looking for something we can do together to get us back to where we used to be. I was thinking of couples counseling but I don't know that it is too serious. We talked about having someone join us but I am honestly too worried that will damage the relationship, as we're both kind of jealous people lol.

I asked him to try this game called Halos and Sins.

Now we play it almost everyday except my 'painful days' and we enjoy each other better than ever.

Like more is never enough. 

Is there anyone tried it or anything similar that worked for them?

Any and all suggestions appreciated!*

Cheers! 

Sarah

[Fletch Lives]

You are talking about gigs - the grass is greener on the other side syndrome.

 

It is true that some people feel the need to sow their wild oats and will not want to stay with their first love - they think there is something better out there (rolls eyes).

 

Other times, even if it's not their first love, some people will wonder this one thing for the first 18 months in a good relationship: Is he/she the one?

 

If the person is a catch and you are in love, there is nothing significantly better than that!

[Uruktopi]

That old malady of human culture, Dualism (soul/flesh, mind/body, spiritual/carnal, Agápe/Eros, your LTR SO/casual) had done much harm in history

Edited July 14, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fact checking required

[poppyfields]

Hi cookies, I'm just gonna toss this out, but is this about your last ex, the one you just ended it with?

If so, I think you should give it a shot, I KNOW he loves you, and from what you describe would be very good for you.

And I sensed you had strong feelings too, but perhaps have this fear or block.  Hence this thread.

I mean damn girl, you posted he was the BEST sex you ever had, for him too, several times a DAY, bringing you both to tears!  

You posted you could not keep your hands off him whenever you saw him, even right before dumping him this last time, it also sounds like he understands your fear to a degree, and is willing to help you work through. 

This speaks volumes!  This man LOVES you.

cookies, don't allow your fear to hold you back. 

I used to be like you, running away from love.  I needed A LOT of mental stimulation and "challenge."

My late dad told me (paraphrasing cause I can't remember his exact words anymore) "instead of running in search of the next "high" or "challenge," why not consider it a challenge to stick around"!?

He added: "Sticking around when you're scared, anxious, uncomfortable may be the biggest challenge in life there is but also the most rewarding"!

Apologies if I stepped over bounds but I sense some pain and hurt in you and your post and want you to be happy and at peace.

Edited July 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[SumGuy]

21 hours ago, Uruktopi said:

....Monogamous, exclusive LTR ´s can (only can, but possible) be as if not more passionate and charged with eros than all what multiple partners can bring.

At least for some of us.

Oh so true.  For me the sex gets only more "eros" as we are together, just so much more trust.  The first night has that wonder of pure exploration, but it is not like that ever has to stop if you know what you are about/good in bed.