First 'date' after break up with new guy Im DAMAGED goods

[ExpatInItaly]

A question before lending further thoughts...are restaurants still closed because of Covid in your area? Is that the reason he invited you to his house for the first date?

[Runninggirl]

@ExpatInItaly They're not always closed, but limited, so they closed for the evening before either of us were home that evening. 

[Runninggirl]

And by the way he never initiated a second date, so Im not sure what to think or how to proceed

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

And by the way he never initiated a second date, so Im not sure what to think or how to proceed

Maybe it's your turn to invite and reciprocate.

 

[Runninggirl]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Maybe it's your turn to invite and reciprocate.

 

Im thinking I might have to. Sucks if he rejects me. Ill give him a day break, and text him tomorrow and ask if he wants to meet again this weekend.

[Allupinnit]

I wouldn't ask him out.  Let him make the next move.  You were already keeping the momentum going when he dropped off with the texting, he seemed like he knew what he wanted and confidently went for it the night at his place, moving even faster than you were comfortable with. 

If he's hot, laid out the red carpet for you at his place then he is a smooth operator.  You say he's very good-looking with lots of female followers, sorry but to me this is a red flag and seems immature and you are probably one of many he is dating.

Don't reach out.  Play it cool.  I usually don't advocate for that but you had sex on the first night at his place and that typically puts you in the down position as the woman, regardless of what modern sexuality will tell you.  Hot men have women throwing themselves at them - you have to set yourself apart.

 

[Runninggirl]

I texted him and asked how he was and got a long text back with just regular stuff. After I told him and asked point blank "Im home for the next few days, if you would like to see me again?" He replied with "Yes, that we should make happen :)" 

But he seem lukewarm, takes long to reply. And even if its just him being busy (which I know he is, he lives a crazy lifestyle), its also not a great sign to be so unavailable in the beginning. Relationships are usually not better with time.. However, his replies are not lukewarm, they're very positive, affirming, many emojis etc. 

But now I feel like the ball is in his court. I asked point blank "Im available for the next few days if you would like to see me?". He's horrible at taking initiative it seems like. Our first date I also had to be the one to really initiate, but the date was great. I just hope he actually initiates meeting up again. Its too much to ask him again for the same second date I think... I mean, he knows I want to see him now, so if he wants to he will? 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

He's horrible at taking initiative it seems like. 

In my experience, men who are genuinely interested have no problem taking initiative. Especially when they know the woman in question is interested too. 

I have to agree that he sounds lukewarm. A bunch of emojis in his messages are not indicative of interest; some people literally seem to punctuate their sentences with them. He sounds friendly but not that eager to have a proper date or set a day/time to see you again. "We should make that happen" is a non-answer, really. It's very non-commital. 

Sorry, Runninggirl. I don't think I would hold my breath on this one. It sucks, but it happens. 

[glows]

Move on. For whatever reason he’s continuing to message you but isn’t interested in planning dates. Ex issues, on/off with someone else, complicated personal problems, low self-esteem, doesn’t feel any chemistry, whatever the reason it’s not working.

Don’t you deserve to feel desired and electric when a guy and you are on the same page and getting on? 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

... I mean, he knows I want to see him now, so if he wants to he will? 

Ok. Good you put that out there. If it starts feeling like you're  pulling teeth to arrange a date, step back.

 

 

[Runninggirl]

@ExpatInItaly I totally agree. But I find it strange that he initiated contact to begin with, and that he has initiated contact a few times just friendly after first time we met, if he's not that into it. But in general I agree that if guys wants to meet, they normally do a lot. He has never done it with me though, and according to a mutual friend he never takes initiative because girls always initiates with him. 

I agree its a very non committal answer "Yes, we should make that happen", is no really much of an answer. After I asked he also took way longer time to reply, although I could see he was active in between, the replies are short but polite. Could be I just waited a bit too long, and the spark died off a bit. 

 

@glows I thought about both perhaps he has an ex he's not really over, or that it could be someone else involved. It was also really bad timing to start "dating", because in the beginning he seemed so eager to meet, but because of logistics everything just took so much time. Too much chatting kills the spark. 

@Wiseman2 Yes. Sucks to just wait, but Ive suggested meeting up, I won't nag him about it. I gave him a limited time period for as when I was available (the next few days). and if he wants to see me he should invite me over. 

He seems like really the "bachelor"-type. Not that he's just after sex, but he's been single for so many years, and seem very comfortable with his life that way. 

Im open to meeting him again if he makes effort to, but Im not down to get into another relationship where I do all the heavy lifting, or with someone who doesn't really value me. Im not emotionally invested in this guy, but I really like him. If he's down for another date, Ill try to get a bit deeper with him than last time, get to know him better.

Im also trying to be careful not too read too much negative into things, or place insecurities from previous relationship onto this. We've only met once, and he's polite and nice, and has started a conversation several times after we hooked up about nothing, so maybe not crisis maximize. 

Fingers crossed! 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

But I find it strange that he initiated contact to begin with, and that he has initiated contact a few times just friendly after first time

This is what guys do when they want to keep you as an option, but not make you a priority. 

2 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

according to a mutual friend he never takes initiative because girls always initiates with him

Then he's got it made. Women come to him. No wonder he doesn't bother taking initiative - he doesn't have to. 

Anyway, guys who are this indifferent to seeing you are generally time-wasters. You will always be wondering when and if he's going to reply. Meh. Next. 

Edited July 24, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Runninggirl]

So little confusing update:

He contacted me immediately as he was home on sunday, sending me some cute photos, flirty comments, and it was obvious he wanted me to ask to come over, but I didn't because I was busy. On monday I tried reaching out, chatting, but he seemed very busy, and wasn't home, so conversation didnt come far. So I decided to be bold and ask for him to meet me today, be very spesific and brave. I fear being rejected, so it was a big step. I woke up to him liking one of my instagram photos, which made me think I had a short.

I texted him "Hey, would you want to meet up later today after work?". He works until around 18. Its been 3,5 hours with no response. There is no way he hasn't checked his phone in those hours, so he must have seen it. Im very disappointed, and not sure why he's just not responding? Its very strange. If he doesn't want to, just say no, don't let me sit here and wait for hours. I find it strange he hasn't responded, he would be off work an hour ago. We've talked many times while he's at work, and he uses his phone a lot. 

Im hoping there's a good explanation for why he hasn't responded, but this really sucks. He seems like such a decent guy, and I was hoping to meet him and make him see me as more than just sex. When we started talking he seemed into me and interested in more, so I thought maybe I gave him the wrong impression which I wanted to correct.

I sum we had a date a little over a week ago, which I felt went great. He politely texted me later, said he had a nice time, he has said he wants to meet up again, he has reached out several times just to talk. So Im not sure what's going on now.. 

 

[Runninggirl]

After four hours I finally received a reply, which was a whole bunch of excuses, "Ive been doing this and Im going to work out, bla bla bla, I might have plans with a friend. Can I let you know a bit later when I know more?" 

It gave just bad vibes. In my mind if its he second date, and he was really interested he would skip working out, and loose unsure plans with his friend to meet. Dont know why he even told me what he'd been up to. The late response could be that he was hoping to figure out his plans before he replied, but still. 

I wanted to reply with "Its ok, we can meet some other time instead", but I get my period tomorrow or the next day, so it would be too long until next chance. Instead I said "Yes ofc, no problem, just let me know:)" 

[Runninggirl]

I still haven't even heard whether he got plans with his friends or not. I dont know if he hasn't said anything because he doesn't want to lose the opportunity if he doesn't have plans, or if he just doesn't bother to even let me know.. So strange and annoying. I really liked him

[ExpatInItaly]

50 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

I really liked him

I think you need to dial back your expectations, Runninggirl. 

You hardly know the guy. This seems more like you enjoy him, yes, but what you really want is for him to like you. That's natural but given that you have met only once (correct?), I think you need to remember that most of what you "like" is built on very little practical information about him. 

It seems that he might be into hook-ups in the moment, when it suits him, but isn't really looking for a date. I would probably keep moving. 

[Runninggirl]

@ExpatInItalyYes. I think I "need" him, and he only likes me, if that makes sense. As in for me he has been the only one Ive found remotely interesting after my ex, so if he's gone I feel like Im back to the dark hopeless place. So I need him to want me, but for him Im still just an interesting option. 

I waited a long time, and he eventually texted me that he was at his friends house, and didnt know how long he would be there. He started sexting me a bit, and told me he left his friends house, but it was pretty late. I said it was unfortunate that he had to work tomorrow, and he said he agreed, but hinted that he was up for a visitor for a few hours. I told him I was down to come over, but not just for a few hours like that. He sent a long text back that unfortunately he had a long work day tomorrow + a pretty tough workout planned with some friends after, and that he didnt think we would go to sleep within a reasonable hour. It was a very fair text, but also it became very obvious that right now Im basically just a bootycall. I definitely read more into it that he does at this point, which is not strange considering he hasn't been in a relationship for seven years, and I just got out of one. 

I told him that was a smart choice, and good night. I feel like we ended the conversation a bit on a bad note, but I hope to hear from him again in not too long time. Although I really wanted to see him tonight, its probably better to go over there on a weekend and get a whole evening so we can get to know each other as well. I hope to hear from him in the weekend. From being so much rejected, ignored and my ex leaving me all the time I get extremely anxious that Ill never hear from him again just because I didnt feel like we ended the conversation on a good note. 

Ill await his initiative now, hopefully in not too long time  First date was such a good first impression, and I think I gave one too. He seemed more eager right after the date, now its been ten days without seeing each other and not really talking much, so its naturally dropped. Stresses me out that he has a lot of girls texting him all the time too

[ExpatInItaly]

20 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

As in for me he has been the only one Ive found remotely interesting after my ex, so if he's gone I feel like Im back to the dark hopeless place. So I need him to want me, but for him Im still just an interesting option. 

This is just not a healthy starting point. 

Until you get relatively okay with being single, you will get too attached too quickly. To guys just like this, who are more into booty-calling you than dating you. 

[Runninggirl]

On 7/28/2021 at 9:00 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

This is just not a healthy starting point. 

Until you get relatively okay with being single, you will get too attached too quickly. To guys just like this, who are more into booty-calling you than dating you. 

I know, so Im trying to be conscious about it.

I didn't contact him after our last conversation, and after three days he reacted to an instagramstory that was very non sexual, and was very polite. It was nothing special, just a nice sunset view. The next day I did a very difficult hike that he has done previously, so I sent him a picture and he replied with "Look at you! So impressive, you're bad ass, that's tough? Incredible view ❤️" Felt we ended the conversation better han last time. 

For whatever reason he keeps in touch. I almost wish he would just bootycall me, because at least then he would want SOMETHING. Happy he reached out at all, but I wish he would want to see me again. Sucks that I got my hopes up, and let myself get so invested so quickly in the beginning. I don't have feelings, but its the first potential Ive met in years. 

But Ive made it pretty clear I wanted to see him again, so if he wants to he should reach out. I won't text him for no reason until further

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I almost wish he would just bootycall me, because at least then he would want SOMETHING

It's really better that he doesn't. 

You will feel worse if continues to sleep with you and keep things very casual. So you'd get a very fleeting ego-boost and then feel like crap again afterwards. Wash, rinse, repeat. It wouldn't ultimately make you feel better. 

7 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Sucks that I got my hopes up, and let myself get so invested so quickly in the beginning

This is what you need to work on. You should not be investing in anyone so early. There's nothing to invest in, in other words. He is still practically a stranger. It's okay to be excited about a new prospect, but we should not invest without having dated them for a bit. This has turned into less about him as a person, and more about you measuring your self-worth by how much this guy wants you. 

I would stop trying to get his attention, and focus on other things. 

[Runninggirl]

Yep, this really sucks though, feels like I just wasn't good enough for him or something. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Runninggirl said:

Yep, this really sucks though, feels like I just wasn't good enough for him or something. 

This is how you know that casual sex without a commitment doesn't work for you. 

Your emotions are too involved and your self-esteem is very fragile. Casual sex is not for everyone, and that is okay. When it becomes less about just having some fun and more about trying to build up poor self-worth, it's time to tap out and address the issues inside us. 

[Runninggirl]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is how you know that casual sex without a commitment doesn't work for you. 

Your emotions are too involved and your self-esteem is very fragile. Casual sex is not for everyone, and that is okay. When it becomes less about just having some fun and more about trying to build up poor self-worth, it's time to tap out and address the issues inside us. 

Wise words, thank you  Before my ex I had no problems being casual, it was always me who didnt catch feelings, and had the "upper hand". Guess things have changed. And also try to stay positive. To meet him and have a fling really helped me get my ex more out of my head, and feel more like my own person again. Now I will focus on working on my self esteem as much as I can  

[Runninggirl]

He texted me about something, so I asked him point blank if he wanted to see me today. Again. He said maybe, but seemed positive, he just had a few things to do first, but would text me later. Several hours later I get a late text telling me it was a bit too late again, work tomorrow ec. Again he backs out last minute, and I dont understand why. Dont understand what changed in the past week. He takes ages to reply to my texts, and its a bit disrespectful to wait that long. If he didnt wanna see me, why wait so long to reject me. I dont understand... If he didnt want to see me he could easily make up excuses right away and say no. Why say yes, wait six hours and let me know he couldn't make it anyway.. 

[ExpatInItaly]

In the end, the "why" isn't really important. 

It's the fact that he's doing it at all that matters most. I think it would be best if you stop contacting him. It sucks, but it was only one date. This is your cue to cut your losses early and move along.