First 'date' after break up with new guy Im DAMAGED goods

[Runninggirl]

About a year ago the love of my life broke up with me, and for the better part of the past year he has been stringing me along (he still is trying to, contacting me regularly giving false hope etc). I never thought Id ever remotely be interested in anyone else. I could bear the thought of even downloading a dating app, even now. I have another thread on that. 

But my luck might be about to change. For the first time in a year I see some light in the end of the tunnel. 

I work at a big firm, and at lunch one day a guy was mentioned, and someone randomly said "you two would make a great couple". He tried selling this guy to me, and I took one quick look at a photo he showed me and immediately said no. Which was strange because I found him attractive, but because of my situation I didn't feel like meeting anyone. But for some reason I got curious and stalked him. For the absolute first time in years I was a bit intrigued. Ive had several good looking, fun, smart, nice guys make a move and just couldn't get myself to be close to interested. But I felt intrigued and regretted discarding it so quickly.

But a few weeks later at a work party it happened again, they mentioned him, and again he tried selling this guy to me. This time I tried to show interest. He sent a picture of us to this guy, and apparently talked very nicely about me (we both know he's trying to set us up). This guy added me on instagram and dmed me. 

He's extremely objectively attractive, 5 of my colleagues talk extremely well of him, and I even asked a mutual friend and she said if she was single she would go for it immediately. She was almost jealous, and told me that she didn't think we would be a good match, because he's basically way out of my league in everything. Great looks, great personally, lots of interest, life loving, family oriented, positive, all the works. Unfortunately he has a lot of instagram followers, and I think he has a lot of girls pursuing him. At the same time my colleague made it seem like he hasn't dated anyone in a long time.

He contacted me this friday, we talked a bit, and the next day he texted me again. We talked, and every time we ended the conversation he would continue later with a kind message. Like I said I was going to a barbecue with some friends, and later in the evening he texted me asking if I was having a nice time etc. This went on for a couple of days. He asked a bit about my life, but the tone became flirty and friendly very quickly. Lots of humor and flirting. His responses were perfect, I got butterflies and exited. He seemed confident and direct, and we both showed a lot of interest.

This went on for four days, but then he stopped initiating, and I became nervous. I took initiative, and it was right back to a good tone, he sent several long messages, asking questions, flirting, everything. But then again quiet. I didn't overtext, but when I didn't hear anything for two days I texted him again, and it was great.

We've sort of agreed to meet, and I felt like it would happen very soon. He's on holiday right now, and I think its strange he hasn't sent me anything. I get he could be busy, but still. But Im very new to this now, so I dont want to overthink.

Im also afraid that maybe its because he sees me as only a potential hook up. But that's weird also, because apparently the day after we started talking he texted my colleague and thanked him for setting it up... 

Im planning on leaving him alone for the rest of his holiday, and perhaps suggest meeting next weekend when he's home. Im so confused now!! I think part of why Im terrified is because this is the first time I feel like I can survive without my ex.. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Im planning on leaving him alone for the rest of his holiday, and perhaps suggest meeting next weekend when he's home. 

Excellent plan. That way, if he's still nice but wishy-washy about meeting/a date, you'll know he's a timewaster albeit a nice one.

[Runninggirl]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent plan. That way, if he's still nice but wishy-washy about meeting/a date, you'll know he's a timewaster albeit a nice one.

I might have explained him wrong, he's not wishy-washy about meeting at all, he has made clear he is up for that. But he hasn't invited me on a date or similar. He seemed really into meeting up, but Im afraid he means hooking up and I read something else into it- which makes me afraid to ask for a date. He seemed to wanna meet me, he's really nice when we talk, he just doesn't initiate texting at all. And I dont know if that's because we haven't met and he's just not into it YET and knows we will meet, or if he's simply not that into me period. Also doesn't that usually mean its somebody else in the picture? 

The first few days he was really contacting me a lot, and when we "clicked" he withdrew

[glows]

I'm not sure why did he and you started chatting on social media instead of him simply calling you and asking you out on a proper date. He sounds like a 14 year old and I'm not sure if I'm shorting 14 year olds either. See what happens but you decide whether he's your cup of tea. 

I wouldn't bother him on his holiday. If he wants to ask you out he knows how to. 

You have to change that mindset that you're damaged goods. You'll attract a lot of weirdos that way.

Edited July 9, 2021 by glows

[Runninggirl]

@glows Thanks! It would be strange if he would CALL, nobody here does that anymore. Ill simply wait and see, if I dont hear from him after his holiday Ill try to directly initiate a date.

[glows]

1 hour ago, Runninggirl said:

@glows Thanks! It would be strange if he would CALL, nobody here does that anymore. Ill simply wait and see, if I dont hear from him after his holiday Ill try to directly initiate a date.

Nothing wrong with that. Trust your instincts on him if you feel he's just interested in a hook up. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Why do you refer to yourself as "damaged goods" in this thread, OP?

Because some guy you have never met seems a little vague and wishy-wahsy? 

[Runninggirl]

@ExpatInItaly No, I feel like damaged goods from my previous relationship

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

@ExpatInItalyI feel like damaged goods from my previous relationship

Ok, lots of relationships that didn't work out leave some wear and tear, but also experience.

Take what you have experienced in the past as knowledge about yourself and what you want in the future.

Living in the past is a waste of time.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

@ExpatInItaly No, I feel like damaged goods from my previous relationship

What, specifically, do you feel is irreparable?

[Runninggirl]

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What, specifically, do you feel is irreparable?

Mainly that I can't really understand anymore when Im overthinking because of previous experience, or if Im really picking up on something. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Mainly that I can't really understand anymore when Im overthinking because of previous experience, or if Im really picking up on something. 

But that's a fairly normal reaction after a break-up that was not mutual and kept us hooked for too long on someone who no longer wanted the relationship. 

You are not "damaged goods." You simply have not really healed from that experience and don't trust your own instincts again yet. Whether or not this new guy is actually interested remains to be seen, but you need to be careful not to assign labels to yourself in the process. 

[Runninggirl]

@ExpatInItaly Thank you, I can't do much but wait and see then. 

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

@ExpatInItaly Thank you, I can't do much but wait and see then. 

Yes, exactly. 

That's all any of us can really do in the beginning when we barely know the other person. Observe their actions and interest. 

[lulu_crazygal]

On 7/12/2021 at 3:20 AM, Runninggirl said:

Mainly that I can't really understand anymore when Im overthinking because of previous experience, or if Im really picking up on something. 

 

We all bring baggage from our previous relationship. Are you still in contact with your ex? 

[basil67]

On 7/10/2021 at 4:59 AM, glows said:

I'm not sure why did he and you started chatting on social media instead of him simply calling you and asking you out on a proper date. He sounds like a 14 year old and I'm not sure if I'm shorting 14 year olds either.

It's likely you don't understand because you're out of touch with young people.  No offense, I'm in the same position   But watching my 20 something daughter date, the modern way is generally to move to social media and if things vibe well,  then move to phone or text to ask them out.   

[glows]

On 7/12/2021 at 11:39 AM, Runninggirl said:

@ExpatInItaly Thank you, I can't do much but wait and see then. 

Have you heard from him yet, Runninggirl?

[Runninggirl]

@lulu_crazygal No

@glows I didnt, but I contacted him on saturday, the day after I made this thread. I commented on something he posted on instagram where he looked really good and complimented him, while I was at a party. It turned into a nice long conversation, mostly flirtatious, he said he wished I was there, and gave me compliments in return, but it all had a sexual undertone, which was really my fault as well because I initiated the flirting, we talked on and off until he went to bed. 

He texted me the next day and asked if I got home safe. I replied, but didn't hear from him for hours, before I got a long text where he apologized for not answering because he forgot. He initiating talking a bit, asking if I was feeling hungover, and some polite conversation, but it wasn't too long. So the next day I tried to initiate something, but he was sort of busy. Now its been a couple of days and I haven't initiated anything, but neither has he. He's quite active on social media, so its definitely not because he's not on his phone a lot etc. 

So whenever I initiate the conversation is good, but also he seems the most interested when its very much flirting or borderline sexual, then he answers really quickly and keeps the conversation going. But even then it doesn't motivate him much to initiate later etc.. 

Im trying not to read too much into things. I think Im a bit obsessed also because its the first time in a year where my ex didnt completely occupy my mind. And I notice when I don't hear from him, I go back to sad, heartbroken and missing my ex. So I "need" him in a way he doesn't need me, because he's not just a plus, he also fills a void. 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

I notice when I don't hear from him, I go back to sad, heartbroken and missing my ex. 

It may be better to get evaluated by a physician for depression, anxiety, or underlying issues. At that time you can ask for a referral to a therapist. 

Using someone as a  Band-Aid is not helpful to you and not kind to others.

Eventually you'll have to cope with this breakup rather than merely hide and use people to distract yourself.

[Runninggirl]

@Wiseman2

Ive been avoiding dating completely because I didnt wanna go the rebound-route, and I dont believe this guy is only a rebound, but I think its easy to get a attached to someone new after being alone for so long. I have rejected everyone finding nobody interesting for year, and this is the first time Im a little interested. 

[glows]

It's hard to tell like this with back and forth flirty messages. There are a dime a dozen who do this and talk is cheap so unless he is interested in meeting with you or spending time with you, I wouldn't place too much emphasis on the messaging. 

My ex-husband for all his flaws was a man of action when it came to seeing me or wanting to spend time with me. After the divorce, it was about 99% of men who absolutely paled in comparison when it came to being proactive and reliable setting up dates. You have to trust your gut on this. 

[Runninggirl]

@glows I agree. The confusing part is that he seems up for meeting as soon as we're both available. and maybe I read too much into him not messaging me, perhaps because he doesn't invest until we've met to see if it could really be something. I dont know. I will not contact him anymore until we can meet.

[glows]

7 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

@glows I agree. The confusing part is that he seems up for meeting as soon as we're both available. and maybe I read too much into him not messaging me, perhaps because he doesn't invest until we've met to see if it could really be something. I dont know. I will not contact him anymore until we can meet.

Great idea. Wait and see.

[Runninggirl]

Update: We both came home from holiday and he texted me immediately. He invited me over, but it felt like a bootycall. I came over and to my surprise he had cleaned his entire apartment, fresh sheets, lit a bunch of candles, and arranged a nice little date setting on his balcony with expensive white wine. Just his efforts really charmed me. We sat talking for a few hours, and the mood was really good, great humor, he seemed into me, he really listened, was really attentive and nice. When it got late we went inside to watch a movie, but he quickly started initiating feeling me up. I felt a bit pressured, it was faster than I would like it to be, but he was hot, and I wanted to, so we had sex. He was really attentive during sex as well, gave me so much reassurance, not being selfish or anything, and he seemed really into it himself. After we had sex he kissed me, and got me some water, kept saying very thoughtful things. The next morning we both had somewhere to be, so we mutually rushed out.

I naturally got worried that I blew it by having sex with him, and was worried I wouldn't hear from him again. A few hours later he texted me asking if I got home safely- we talked a bit back and forth, he was joking a bit and also telling me it was nice with a sexual undertone referring to the sex, but I didnt want to push the conversation considering we just met. I told him it was nice to see him, he said likewise, and that was it. 

Today I texted him wishing him a good first day back and work, and he replied politely, but short. Im terrrrrified of being rejected now, and Im afraid to make moves now. Not sure what to do. Ive felt like Im always the one initiating until the date, but on the date he actually referred to our conversations as if we've talked A LOT. So it could also be that we have very different views on what a normal amount would be. Ive felt like we haven't talked much, and he felt like we have. 

I can really only wait and see. Ive been out of the game for so long, that I dont know the signs of how to know is you're just a one night stand, or if it could possibly turn into more- or at least a second time. 

Any advice?  

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

Im afraid to make moves now.

Just relax and go with the flow.