Friendly vs flirty and leading people on?

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, cleverusername said:

Yeah, I mean I have lots of friends that are dudes but it just sucks that I can meet a woman who is interesting and cool, and it has to always be something more. Like, you can be a cool person as a woman without me wanting to kiss you or have an emotional connection with

I hear you.

Some of the advice here is really good.

You can also try cracking fart jokes, scratching yourself and burping a lot if you're around a lot of women.

In other words, treat them like "one of the guys."

 

[SumGuy]

33 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

So if a woman talks to a man and makes eye contact, asks questions, and seems interested, is it flirting?

Know not a question for me, but depends in my expereince.  Heck even being the opposite might mean she is interested just shy.  Only way to know for sure is to ask.  Also, to me, flirting is much more, it requires a bit of sexual innuendo no matter how subtle. 

I really don't know the specifics of your interactions, but if "eye contact, asks questions, and seems interested" is considered "mixed signals" then that is the listeners problem.  Yet wouldn't judge them if they thought it might mean more, or essentially ask hoping it is more.  It is all in how they ask.  Treat each other decently and kindly, one can acknowledge the sexual side of our natures in such a way as to not offend or be offended (not sure though if that works if one has some implicit Madonna-whore view of sexuality).

[SumGuy]

17 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

Yeah, like even if I was to date you, it would be so extremely uncomfortable and awkward to see you ex every day. It would be even more uncomfortable shitting where I eat and playing the field with these women, and having them know about each other. Maybe there is some weird bet/ conspiracy going on between them? 

Good thinking ahead.   It can only work "playing the field" and it is clear up front from both sides...that is they are not looking for a relationship.  Even then, can be awkward after.

Conspiracy...depends on your definition, but if they all know each other and you live in the same building, sure they may be talking about you...clearly you are a hot commodity.  Who knows if they have now concluded you must be "gay"  , ego protection is a wonderful thing.   

That is really a large part of my let them down softly, phrase things in ways they can save face, i.e., protect their ego.  It certainly takes social skills but you appear to have them.   What do they say...hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, or a man denied privilege   

[poppyfields]

I think it's a sad day, when a man and women are not able to converse in a friendly way, without one or the other assuming it means something "romantic."

Makes me not even want to be friendly to men anymore, lest they assume I'm some desperate hussy looking for a boyfriend or husband.

I see nothing blatantly obvious that would suggest these women want more than friendship, I mean they just met you! 

You said you were looking for friends, so if you enjoyed the conversation, then be friends! 

Again possibly leading to more eventually, or not, YOU are in complete control of that, when/if the times comes and they express they want more than friendship.

Best of luck...

Edited July 6, 2021 by poppyfields

[AnnieB]

I doubt they know about each other or are talking about you. In my experience and circles, when there was an attractive guy appear on the horizon, if we spoke about him, the girl code was quickly established and whoever was the most interested in him was the assumed contender. 

[cleverusername]

1 hour ago, SumGuy said:

Know not a question for me, but depends in my expereince.  Heck even being the opposite might mean she is interested just shy.  Only way to know for sure is to ask.  Also, to me, flirting is much more, it requires a bit of sexual innuendo no matter how subtle. 

I really don't know the specifics of your interactions, but if "eye contact, asks questions, and seems interested" is considered "mixed signals" then that is the listeners problem.  Yet wouldn't judge them if they thought it might mean more, or essentially ask hoping it is more.  It is all in how they ask.  Treat each other decently and kindly, one can acknowledge the sexual side of our natures in such a way as to not offend or be offended (not sure though if that works if one has some implicit Madonna-whore view of sexuality).

Yeah, like the first woman I talked to for 2 minutes, literally 50% of the conversation was how long she has lived in this city, where she went to college, and what type of real-estate she works in. If that's flirting than man, do I flirt with everyone!

56 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

Good thinking ahead.   It can only work "playing the field" and it is clear up front from both sides...that is they are not looking for a relationship.  Even then, can be awkward after.

Conspiracy...depends on your definition, but if they all know each other and you live in the same building, sure they may be talking about you...clearly you are a hot commodity.  Who knows if they have now concluded you must be "gay"  , ego protection is a wonderful thing.   

That is really a large part of my let them down softly, phrase things in ways they can save face, i.e., protect their ego.  It certainly takes social skills but you appear to have them.   What do they say...hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, or a man denied privilege   

Hahaha probably!! But I don't think they know each other, maybe it's just a jealousy ego thing to see who can get me lol! They are all going to be very disappointed! 

[cleverusername]

1 hour ago, SumGuy said:

It is all societal in my view.  Completely.   Just so ingrained from birth and tradition that people think otherwise.  There are also societies who want women to be separated from men in almost all contexts, that is, go even further the other way.

There are many ways you can go to see if friendship is an option and to let them down nicely.  Some leave the door potentially open (only leave it open if it is in your mind a maybe but not a yes now) and others not but seeking just friendship.   Don't think need to script much for you as suspect you are good at communicating, hence why you are in this predicament in the first place.  

I agree! I think Hollywood has conditioned a lot of people as to what relationships and social interaction should look like. In other places guys and girls hang out all them time but in the US, almost always it starts out of some sort of romantic intent from one side because people have been conditioned to think that way. Men and women relationships are romantic not platonic.

[poppyfields]

38 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

I agree! I think Hollywood has conditioned a lot of people as to what relationships and social interaction should look like. In other places guys and girls hang out all them time but in the US, almost always it starts out of some sort of romantic intent from one side because people have been conditioned to think that way. Men and women relationships are romantic not platonic.

Well, if that's how you feel, the only solution is to NOT talk or be friendly with any women unless you are sexually attracted and want to date her romantically.  Which is really a shame IMO.

I recall many years ago when I was on another forum, I had a long term boyfriend but became friendly with one of my male neighbors who had just moved in.  We exchanged numbers and boy did I get a scolding from most of the forum members!!

They were like NO NO NO, you do not exchange numbers and become friends with a man, even your neighbor, when you have a boyfriend!

Turns out HE had a girlfriend and we did become friends, not like a BFF but neighborly friends, and that was it.  I also became friends with his girlfriend.

Even IF there were an attraction, we respected our relationships and didn't step over boundaries in that regard.

Again, perhaps I am naïve but I think it's a sad day when a man and woman cannot have a friendly conversation without one or both assuming "romantic."

@clever usernameI have a question.  You said you are seeking "friends" which is why you begin chatting with these women.

Can you define what you mean by "friends"?

What is it you want exactly if you assume a simple invite for a cup of coffee means something romantic?

I am genuine curious about that.

 

 

Edited July 6, 2021 by poppyfields

[cleverusername]

36 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Well, if that's how you feel, the only solution is to NOT talk or be friendly with any women unless you are sexually attracted and want to date her romantically.  Which is really a shame IMO.

I recall many years ago when I was on another forum, I had a long term boyfriend but became friendly with one of my male neighbors who had just moved in.  We exchanged numbers and boy did I get a scolding from most of the forum members!!

They were like NO NO NO, you do not exchange numbers and become friends with a man, even your neighbor, when you have a boyfriend!

Turns out HE had a girlfriend and we did become friends, not like a BFF but neighborly friends, and that was it.  I also became friends with his girlfriend.

Even IF there were an attraction, we respected our relationships and didn't step over boundaries in that regard.

Again, perhaps I am naïve but I think it's a sad day when a man and woman cannot have a friendly conversation without one or both assuming "romantic."

@clever usernameI have a question.  You said you are seeking "friends" which is why you begin chatting with these women.

Can you define what you mean by "friends"?

What is it you want exactly if you assume a simple invite for a cup of coffee means something romantic?

I am genuine curious about that.

 

 

Oh, sorry I wasn't clear I don't personally believe that  "Men and women relationships are romantic not platonic" but I think a lot of society does. As for your question, I mean just socialize with no expectation of romance and physical connection, no emotional baggage, just have a good time with and enjoy each others company.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, cleverusername said:

Oh, sorry I wasn't clear I don't personally believe that  "Men and women relationships are romantic not platonic" but I think a lot of society does. As for your question, I mean just socialize with no expectation of romance and physical connection, no emotional baggage, just have a good time with and enjoy each others company.

Well I certainly agree that society plays a role in that.

But again, what's the solution?  To stop talking with the opposite sex for fear they want something romantic versus a friendship?

Why not simply allow it to play out?  If you're enjoying the conversation, agree to have coffee.  What's the harm?

I mean you never know, and if she does start coming on to you in a romantic way, shut it down if that's not what you want.

OR perhaps you can simply remain friends, and expand your social circle.

She may have girlfriends she can introduce you to whom you may click with, who knows?

JMO, but you sound intense about it clever.  I say relax and enjoy the process, the journey, wherever it may lead.

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Well I certainly agree that society plays a role in that.

• But again, what's the solution?  To stop talking with the opposite sex for fear they want something romantic versus a friendship?

Why not simply allow it to play out?  If you're enjoying the conversation, agree to have coffee.  What's the harm?

I mean you never know, and if she does start coming on to you in a romantic way, shut it down if that's not what you want.

OR perhaps you can simply remain friends, and expand your social circle.

She may have girlfriends she can introduce you to whom you may click with, who knows?

JMO, but you sound intense about it clever.  I say relax and enjoy the process, the journey, wherever it may lead.

 

Edited July 6, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[glows]

Sorry not sorry? I have a hard time making friends with the opposite sex also. It just comes with the territory. No need to worry. Just don't respond to any advances or decline anything if you're not interested.