Dealing with angry outbursts

[glows]

Leave the kids out of this. What the child was saying was very disrespectful of her mother, period. I wouldn't be proud of a comment like that or stick around for it a moment longer. I may even be inclined to correct the child and let her know not to speak about her mother that way. You have to really decide whether you respect your partner enough or whether you're going to keep competing with her. I don't know why you would want to compete with someone like this in the first place. I'd go back to the topic of self-esteem and loneliness. Nothing to be ashamed of as I'm sure many people are going through the same thing or feeling isolated in some way with Covid lockdowns and restrictions. 

There's a laundry list already of improvements that have been suggested in this thread so you can go from there from implementing better boundaries in your relationship, not competing on parenting points with your partner and leaving the kids out of discussions (not encouraging or egging on any inappropriate comments) and not putting up with verbal abuse (this means limiting your time at the place or ending the relationship altogether). 

I get why you're staying with her but please don't make your personal life and mental health a political vendetta about hanging on for the sake of hanging on especially when in a toxic or abusive situation. If you choose to stay let it be on your own terms and out of mutual respect for each other. If you choose to leave, it's your choice alone and nothing to do with what others do regarding internet people or what others may suggest. I hope you find peace.

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

.everyone says to get out and leave her.

Well yes. Because you're chronically complaining about her to anyone who'll listen.

Including her 10 y/o child!  Sorry but that's twisted.

She is who she is. Why not see your role in this? Passive aggressive, undermining and shifting all the blame on her.

Edited July 2, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Jonny80]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Well yes. Because you're chronically complaining about her to anyone who'll listen.

Including her 10 y/o child!  Sorry but that's twisted.

She is who she is. Why not see your role in this? Passive aggressive, undermining and shifting all the blame on her.

I’m not complaining to a 10 year old, i repeated what was said In reference to the situation that unfolded that day, many times Iv had to politely tell her daughter that disrespectful behaviour towards her mother is not acceptable and all she tells me how her mother is short tempered and moody. I still back my partner when ever needed..

.  I treat my partner with respect and do everything asked of me and more.

we have many happy days together it’s not all bad.

the initial problem I had going back 5 months ago regarding the lack of sexual attention in our relationship was sorted as I was able to understand she can’t do what a normal person can because of her illness,  most people said then to run from the relationship but relationships are not just about sex, we worked it out and am currently content with that aspect as we actually click sexually.

the other problem was her letting lose and talking openly about sex with another man, again people advised me to run. We talked about it and I’m at ease with what happened, since then things have been great, apart from very small miss understanding nothing is of concern..

my current situation is with her losing control and shouting and swearing me for something so simple,  I know from our history when ever she doesn’t agree with me or anything I say she will very quickly become annoyed.  She’s told me she just passionate and she allowed to be that way and that it’s my fault for not doing what she’s asked of me…

im not defending myself as I’m far from perfect and I know I make mistakes, if Iv given the wrong impression of myself or what has happened I can only apologise but like Iv said 90% of the time we get on fine and we support each other.

.  Iv struggled with certain aspects of the relationship and needed to gain valuable advice to clarify firstly if I’m making mistakes with out knowing it and secondly if her attitude towards me is acceptable..

She’s already said she loves me more than any other man and despite everything I love her or it would be easy to walk away, id like to fight and continue trying to make things work  but Iv been in two minds weather I should cut my loses and grieve or keep fighting on..

[Jonny80]

3 hours ago, glows said:

Leave the kids out of this. What the child was saying was very disrespectful of her mother, period. I wouldn't be proud of a comment like that or stick around for it a moment longer. I may even be inclined to correct the child and let her know not to speak about her mother that way. You have to really decide whether you respect your partner enough or whether you're going to keep competing with her. I don't know why you would want to compete with someone like this in the first place. I'd go back to the topic of self-esteem and loneliness. Nothing to be ashamed of as I'm sure many people are going through the same thing or feeling isolated in some way with Covid lockdowns and restrictions. 

There's a laundry list already of improvements that have been suggested in this thread so you can go from there from implementing better boundaries in your relationship, not competing on parenting points with your partner and leaving the kids out of discussions (not encouraging or egging on any inappropriate comments) and not putting up with verbal abuse (this means limiting your time at the place or ending the relationship altogether). 

I get why you're staying with her but please don't make your personal life and mental health a political vendetta about hanging on for the sake of hanging on especially when in a toxic or abusive situation. If you choose to stay let it be on your own terms and out of mutual respect for each other. If you choose to leave, it's your choice alone and nothing to do with what others do regarding internet people or what others may suggest. I hope you find peace.

I’d also like to add, the way this woman speaks to me shouting etc is how her daughter is delt with. Iv been asked several times to speak to her daughter to calm her down after my gf has shouted at her and in some cases unjustified..

But in every situation I back my gf and politely explain to her daughter that she needs to respect her mums wishes even if she doesn’t agree, these problems I’m having has nothing to do with her child and I don’t discuss my problems with them, my gf is of opinion that I’m brilliant with her kids and she claims they think the world of me..  I’m not so ignorant  and petty that I involve her 10 year old..

another reason I walked out when my gf was shouting and swearing at me as she’s happy to do this in front of the kids where as I’m not..

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

my current situation is with her losing control and shouting and swearing me for something so simple,  I know from our history when ever she doesn’t agree with me or anything I say she will very quickly become annoyed.  

Seems like pent up anger, no?

[Jonny80]

47 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Seems like pent up anger, no?

Yes possibly, her dad has told me tho he’s been on the end of her outburst before so it’s something within her that she’s had for a long time.

[KDav40]

It sounds like you are dealing with a narcissist and honestly that never works. You will exhaust yourself trying to please her and never be able to. My advice is to break it off and find someone who makes you happy. 

[salparadise]

On 7/3/2021 at 12:01 PM, KDav40 said:

It sounds like you are dealing with a narcissist and honestly that never works. You will exhaust yourself trying to please her and never be able to. My advice is to break it off and find someone who makes you happy. 

I think she's borderline (BPD), and not a mild case either. Of course the two are related (cluster B) and can be comorbid. @Jonny80 Take it from someone who knows a lot more about this type of dysfunction than I wish I did... there is only one solution, and it's going to get worse not better. You have the facts, but you refuse to acknowledge it for what it is. You are still talking about it being your fault because you aren't appeasing her well enough. I know you're lonely and desperate for companionship, but this is not going to work. The sooner you realize that (and leave) the better. But it sounds like you're determined ride it all the way into the ground–– until someone gets injured and/or arrested.

I am not trying to be mean or insensitive. I'm sad for you both. It's just that I already know how this story ends. You can only save yourself.

[Jonny80]

On 7/3/2021 at 5:01 PM, KDav40 said:

It sounds like you are dealing with a narcissist and honestly that never works. You will exhaust yourself trying to please her and never be able to. My advice is to break it off and find someone who makes you happy. 

Hmm hard to say, this may be a little off topic, despite the problems Iv already had to deal with I keep having to look at my self..

we recently met one of her past work friends and her bf, they were both nice and I liked them.  During the evening I noticed my gf giving this guy compliments and I also niticed she touched his arm during conversations and laughing etc..  during this particular evening my gf barely touched or even tried to engage me in there conversation. The other guy is more worldly wide and has a lot to say for him self which my gg found interesting..   there’s no doubt in my mind that her attitude towards him was a form of flirtation,  some people say flirting is acceptable some say it isn’t….   Once the evening had finished and we were on our way home I did make a comment about how she kept touching is arm and laughing during the evening and she paid little attention to my self….    She just gets arsey and  brands me being jealous..    her actions have yet again made me question my self and my sanity..  am I over reacting on this one or is she showing lack of respect towards my feelings again..

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

 She   brands me being jealous..    

Was this the same guy she was telling she likes anal sex?

If so, maybe you two need to stop going out drinking with these people.

Unfortunately she's correct.

If you can't handle her enjoying being out with friends, you need to improve your confidence.

It's doubtful this guy's GF gave him a browbeating on the way home about laughing at people's jokes.

It comes off as insecure as well as controlling.

Edited July 11, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Jonny80]

26 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Was this the same guy she was telling she likes anal sex?

If so, maybe you two need to stop going out drinking with these people.

Unfortunately she's correct.

If you can't handle her enjoying being out with friends, you need to improve your confidence.

It's doubtful this guy's GF gave him a browbeating on the way home about laughing at people's jokes.

It comes off as insecure as well as controlling.

The other couple are nice and seem very open, I’v not got a problem with it..

My gf now for the 2nd time when talking about sex with other men has asked me in front of people if I wanted a 3 sum, she knows the answer to this already so why keep asking in front of other people?

Iv spoken to her and asked if she’s interested and she said she has no desire to share me or for me to share her but she keeps bringing it up in front of other people and as usual she’s always giving intimate information away about her self..

she had some raunchy pictures taken in underwear last year to boost her confidence but she told me they were private for us 2..  Iv barely even seen the pictures more than once but she was also quick to get her phone out and start showing her raunchy pictures to this other guy..

maybe it is me like you said, but I’m not convinced this is normal behaviour of a women who claims she loves me more than any other man..

 she sees nothing wrong with this openness, I’m reserved at the best of times let alone talking about my sexual preferences in my relationship to strangers I don’t know, am I really bad for not feeling comfortable with this?

Edited July 11, 2021 by Jonny80
Extra

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

 

Maybe quiet reflection is the best thing for right now.

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Jonny80 said:

she had some raunchy pictures taken in underwear last year to boost her confidence but she told me they were private for us 2..  Iv barely even seen the pictures more than once but she was also quick to get her phone out and start showing her raunchy pictures to this other guy..

You seem like a decent guy, why on earth are you still with this woman?
"You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear" comes to mind...

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Jonny80 said:

I’m not convinced this is normal behaviour of a women who claims she loves me more than any other man..

You keep doing this. going to bars, drinking and she starts talking about anal sex, threesomes, etc. So why keep doing that?

It's not about some line about "loves you more than any other man", it's about your insecurity in general and her drinking and loose mouth while you two are out in bars.

[Jonny80]

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

You seem like a decent guy, why on earth are you still with this woman?
"You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear" comes to mind...

Because apart from the 5% of things that causes me. Problems the other 95% we get on and I enjoy my time we spend together..

maybe I’m blaming myself for the way I think and that I should think and feel differently to what’s happening..

[Jonny80]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You keep doing this. going to bars, drinking and she starts talking about anal sex, threesomes, etc. So why keep doing that?

It's not about some line about "loves you more than any other man", it's about your insecurity in general and her drinking and loose mouth while you two are out in bars.

She only does this when in company of others, she’s a social butterfly and she seems to come alive.   It’s not about any insecurities I feel.. either it’s acceptable and normal behaviour or it’s not, I’m totally prepared to look at my self if I’m missreading or overreacting to situations.,

Her friends say I’m good for her because I’m laid back and calm,  I believe I am good for her But maybe I’m not so good at understanding situations and if people’s behaviour is appropriate..

[elaine567]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You keep doing this. going to bars, drinking and she starts talking about anal sex, threesomes, etc. So why keep doing that?

Because he, I think lives in the UK, and going to the bar/local pub is how just about everyone socialises..

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

She only does this when in company of others, she’s a social butterfly and she seems to come alive.   It’s not about any insecurities I feel.. either it’s acceptable and normal behaviour or it’s not, I’m totally prepared to look at my self if I’m missreading or overreacting to situations.,

Her friends say I’m good for her because I’m laid back and calm,  I believe I am good for her But maybe I’m not so good at understanding situations and if people’s behaviour is appropriate..

How this woman behaves is NOT acceptable or normal...
You are not over reacting.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Jonny80 said:

She only does this when in company of others, she’s a social butterfly and she seems to come alive. Her friends say I’m good for her because I’m laid back

Then either enjoy yourself and accept that she acts weird/talks about sex too much or don't go with her if it upsets you too much.

It's not about "normal" or "loves you", it's about end it or accept it. Have you ever spoken to her about being toning down the sexual TMI  when she's out with you?

[Jonny80]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Then either enjoy yourself and accept that she acts weird/talks about sex too much or don't go with her if it upsets you too much.

It's not about "normal" or "loves you", it's about end it or accept it. Have you ever spoken to her about being toning down the sexual TMI  when she's out with you?

Yes after the anal fiasco, she said she wouldn't do it again, I guess when she’s had a thew drinks she loses her inhabitants very quickly..  it’s not that I distrust or I’m expecting her to jump into bed with anyone, I woukd just rather keep our sexual preferences to our selves and not broadcast them..

[Acacia98]

7 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

Because apart from the 5% of things that causes me. Problems the other 95% we get on and I enjoy my time we spend together..

maybe I’m blaming myself for the way I think and that I should think and feel differently to what’s happening..

I can't help thinking of a woman whose husband hits her. When asked why she doesn't leave him, she says, "It only happens once in a while. The rest of the time, he's so loving." Okay, so it's not exactly the same thing. But the logic is similar.

Now let me ask you a question. If you feel that conflict only 5% of the time is okay, why do you suggest modifying YOUR behavior to appease her as a solution? When she's the one acting unreasonably, why should you be the one to fix the problem?

Why not just continue to do the innocent stuff that pisses her off and endure the 5% tantrum-throwing that will inevitably happen? If 95% is good enough for you, it should be good enough for her too, right? If she has "higher standards" than you and refuses to accept 95%, then perhaps it's time you raised your "standards" too.

Edited July 11, 2021 by Acacia98

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

Yes after the anal fiasco...

Agree this TMI is cringeworthy, but unfortunately she gets silly after some drinks. So even if you talked, that goes out the window along with decorum.

[Jonny80]

19 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Then either enjoy yourself and accept that she acts weird/talks about sex too much or don't go with her if it upsets you too much.

It's not about "normal" or "loves you", it's about end it or accept it. Have you ever spoken to her about being toning down the sexual TMI  when she's out with you?

Yes after the anal fiasco, but once she’s had couple of drinks it’s almost like anything goes.. like getting her phone out and showing this other guy and is gf raunchy pics of her in sexy underwear..   cant think for love or money why she would even want to..

[Jonny80]

14 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

I can't help thinking of a woman whose husband hits her. When asked why she doesn't leave him, she says, "It only happens once in a while. The rest of the time, he's so loving." Okay, so it's not exactly the same thing. But the logic is similar.

Now let me ask you a question. If you feel that conflict only 5% of the time is okay, why do you suggest modifying YOUR behavior to appease her as a solution? When she's the one acting unreasonably, why should you be the one to fix the problem?

Why not just continue to do the innocent stuff that pisses her off and endure the 5% tantrum-throwing that will inevitably happen? If 95% is good enough for you, it should be good enough for her too, right? If she has "higher standards" than you and refuses to accept 95%, then perhaps it's time you raised your "standards" too.

I’m not sure it’s about standards, I think she thinks she can do or say anything she wants towards other men but providing she isn’t actually jumping into bed it’s acceptable and if I don’t accept it as being normal I’m a jealous person..

when someone’s actions don’t back there words up it can lead to asking over thinking..

she chooses to tell me things from her past relationships, and she’s told me about her ex saying she flirts with everyone but she denies it, her take on it is she’s a social butterfly and no one will tell her what to do..

sitting there and practically being ignored most of the night whilst she’s all touchy feely with this other guy telling him how funny he is and saying things like I live you you’re so on my level etc not to mention showing him pictures in underwear….  Clearly there’s no thought of my feelings and how her actions may make me feel?

[elaine567]

She has no respect for you whatsoever.
Flirting is a personality trait strongly associated with cheating, ignore it at your peril..
There is nothing "innocent" about this, this is NOT innocent flirting with a bit of innuendo and some hair twirling...
Don.t blame the drink,  she is well aware of what she is doing.
Social butterfly???? my ass.
Stop being a fool.