Logo Posted June 29, 2021 Share Posted June 29, 2021 If you are not in love by ___ months, should you continue seeing the person you're with? I have been seeing a woman for let's say more than four months and less than seven months. Both in our 40s. We see each other once a week. She has told me that she loves me a few times. Deep down though, I am not sure about my own feelings. At one point I felt so strongly about her that I told her I loved her. I meant it. But a couple of weeks later, I wasn’t sure. Now, I keep asking myself, do I need more time? What about all the little things that bother me? They won't change any time soon. Should I talk to her about them? How much could a person possibly change? Does that mean I am wasting her time? I realize that feelings are complicated and that there is no formula. But when are you supposed to be madly in love or at least feel comfortable admitting to yourself that you are in love, every day, over a sustained period? And if you're not, then what are you supposed to think? I feel attached, but I don't know if I'm madly in love, or even just in love. I'm having a hard time defining my feelings. My first love, and first relationship, felt amazing. After two months I was comfortable saying that I loved the woman I was with. It was new, I was infatuated, walking on cloud nine. There was a lot of passion. Being with her and looking into her eyes was like heaven on earth. But it was a flash in a pan. I know that for her, it fizzled after a few months, while I was still madly in love. Being with her felt like a refuge, a safe haven. I felt the same way about the person I am with, but then I didn’t. I don’t know what to make of that. On the one hand, I don't want to waste her time, but on the other hand, I don't want to let go if it could turn into something good. Should I wait a little longer? Should I give it more time? Maybe it's time she and I talked about our feelings more openly? Perhaps it's my own issues that are clouding everything else. I don't know. I mean, is it safe to assume that a good relationship will make you feel happy and elated regardless? I don't want to be in a relationship out of a sense of comfort or lust. It’s not fair to her. Any insights? Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted June 29, 2021 Share Posted June 29, 2021 There is no right answer here. Feeling love is different to everyone. But I can say this... as I have gotten older, it's a different feeling. When I was young, love was new, and exciting. Now that I've been divorced, and a little jaded... it's more like love for family. I like the other person being around, and enjoy them, and want them in my life.... and would be very upset if they were gone. I guess you have to ask yourself... do you expect to feel love like a teen again? Or is it more a sense of comfort knowing there is someone who cares for you? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 29, 2021 Share Posted June 29, 2021 (edited) 11 hours ago, Logo said: I have been seeing a woman for let's say more than four months and less than seven months. I don't want to be in a relationship out of a sense of comfort or lust. It’s not fair to her. Agree. It sounds like you're coasting along for sex and out of complacency. And you're right, it's not fair to string someone along You mention your "first love". It sounds like you are living in the past and idealizing that as you get older and long for your carefree youth. So you can dump this particular one, but that isn't going to make you young again. Do you think it's her in particular or lethargy due to getting older and dating burnout? Edited June 29, 2021 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted June 29, 2021 Share Posted June 29, 2021 (edited) lt sounds like you'd love to love her , but your asking yourself so many questions as to why your just not quite feeling it truth be told. Even wondering why it doesn't match your first love. Well it's just not that kind of love basically , she's the wrong women for you. Well if you want real love anyway. lf your heart is open to it you would def' be feeling at least glimpses of it by now at the very least , even for a slow love. But it will probably never turn into that mad "in love". Edited June 29, 2021 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
Author Logo Posted June 29, 2021 Author Share Posted June 29, 2021 (edited) My first love was in my 30s and after it was over, I dated a lot for a few years. I have gotten over my first love and gotten over other short relationships since then. I didn't feel love during those relationships. They were short, from a few weeks to 4 or 5 months. I went on a few dates with a gorgeous woman, but she had a black heart. I dated a woman who had a heart of gold, but I wasn't attracted to her no matter how I went about it. I dated a woman that I was fascinated by, liked the way she looked, but she was emotionally unstable and I couldn't deal with what felt like a roller coaster. I went on a few dates with a woman last year and time flew by. We were talking each other's ears off and it felt great. But she wasn't available. She showed up to dates, but didn't seem to have time for a relationship. These days I'm thinking about how we connect emotionally. So I thought that it's possible that we're not having heart to heart conversations about our feelings, enough to build a strong connection. Edited June 29, 2021 by Logo Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 That;s not something you have to actually do to fall in love with someone or something you force on just to feel it. When your really in love it doesn't matter what you do it's just in your face no matter what. But it can't hurt for sure non the less. l know there is such a time factor as we get older and not wanting to waste hers either but a few more mths will probably just naturally bring out whichever way it's going to go to light. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 17 hours ago, Logo said: My first love was in my 30s How long was that relationship? Do you want relationships? Sometimes serial dating may be a better option if things don't get off the ground or get stale too soon. Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 On 6/28/2021 at 8:35 PM, Logo said: ....I don't want to be in a relationship out of a sense of comfort or lust. It’s not fair to her. Any insights? First, don't make your feelings about what is "fair to her." That's a cop out, don't make it like you are doing her a favor. (I am assuming through all this you and the hypothetical "less loving" person is being good and decent in actions and honest, they are just not feeling it "as much") When the woman you were madly in love with left would you have been happy to see her stay even if for her it was more about comfort and lust than the kind of love you feel? The woman you are seeing now is an adult, she can decide what level of feelings you have for her are enough for her love to feel requited. We all love different, we all feel loved different. What you do out of a sense of comfort and lust may be more than enough for her, if you feel someday you could meet the one and would leave...she decides if she wants to take the risk. It is not like people who are in love do not fall out of it, "love" is no guarantee. At least talk to her about it I'd say before deciding to leave. She may agree with you that it is not fair to her. Be warned though, such a conversation could well end it so be good with that. All that being said, if this is not it for you and you believe this will prevent you from finding what you desire then (to me) that is a legitimate reason to leave. But own the fact it is for you, and not something you are doing for her. My personal view is the kind of feeling you are hoping for all the time to feel "in love" is short-lived (but reoccurs it is just not constant) and usually just limerence. A combination of comfort and lust, and a desire to make the other person happy, and they make you happy, that is very much love to me one. If from time to time you still get that obsessive love feeling, that is good, very good, it is unrealistic to expect it to be constant. That is just my view. You do you, I'd just think long and hard before throwing away a good thing for the reasons you describe in your lead post. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 (edited) This has happened to me a lot, like all my relationships thus far. I think it’s quite normal. What you experienced is infatuation and that feeling of swoon/excitement. It’s a chemical surge from being around someone new that you’re into, that you haven’t completely captured or know most things about. It lasts for a bit until you just get used to it or the new car smell wears off then you start to become more comfortable and are forced to make the decision if you really like this person strongly enough or consistently enough to stick it out with them and be with them and (typically)only them for the long run… I guess that’s love Edited June 30, 2021 by Cookiesandough 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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