Update to my situation!

[Ryan_B]

Hello. I posted on here a few months ago about how my marriage had broken down and how my wife was trying to stop me from seeing our daughters. I fought as hard as I could through the legal system and courts and had my final hearing last week, where I have been awarded with having my girls live with me for three weekends from every four plus one night every week (Wednesday nights). I've also been given three weeks of the summer holidays and half of half terms etc, so that's all really great and I'm so happy that I'll have proper quality time with my children.

In terms of getting over my wife, things have been very up and down. We split up at the end of July 2020 and within three months she had moved into a new place,(she lived with her mum initially after the split along with our children) and her new partner moved into her new home at the same time. He's been very abusive to me verbally, threatening me and causing all sorts of hassle. For months I was "over" her. In the last 4/5 months Ive dated two or three women, one of which was more serious, but I ended it as I felt she felt stronger for me (she was telling me how she loved me etc) but I didn't feel the same way and didn't want to string her along as that would t have been fair on her. The trouble is though, I really want to meet a nice girl and settle again, but at the same time I still have the odd thoughts about my ex wife. I think about her with her partner, imagine them in intimate situations etc and hate those thoughts. I just don't know where I am in my life right now!!

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Ryan_B said:

In terms of getting over my wife, things have been very up and down.

Sorry this is happening. You are in the throes of divorce.

Until all that is settled and child visitation/child support is squared away, it will be up and down.

As far as dating, it's a catch-22.

You're too unsettled to date seriously and if you date casually you'll end up with a lot of walking-wounded and Tinderella types, who do more harm than good.

Edited June 24, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Blind-Sided]

Yep... what @Wiseman2 said.

It's really all too fresh to try to date.  OTHER that to just date, and get out of the house.  I made a few threads about this.  I was ready, I was mentality stable... but then went out a few times with the intention of finding someone new... and it just felt wrong.   It took a while with just going out, for the sake of going out to make it feel normal again. 

But can I ask one thing?  Why is the schedule with your kids so convoluted?   Weekends, and Wednesdays?  That's not just hard for you... but it's going to be hard on the kids with bouncing back and forth.  I'm not sure my exW likes it... but we go a week on, week off.  That way, the kids can just be "Home" and relax. 

[Ryan_B]

8 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

Yep... what @Wiseman2 said.

It's really all too fresh to try to date.  OTHER that to just date, and get out of the house.  I made a few threads about this.  I was ready, I was mentality stable... but then went out a few times with the intention of finding someone new... and it just felt wrong.   It took a while with just going out, for the sake of going out to make it feel normal again. 

But can I ask one thing?  Why is the schedule with your kids so convoluted?   Weekends, and Wednesdays?  That's not just hard for you... but it's going to be hard on the kids with bouncing back and forth.  I'm not sure my exW likes it... but we go a week on, week off.  That way, the kids can just be "Home" and relax. 

I know it sounds an odd arrangement, but I had to go through court hearings just to get any kind of access to my children, just because my wife decided she didn't want me to have them (even though I've always been the one to take them out and so things with them, stay in hospital with them etc). In England it's common place for split parents to have them by one has them during the week and the other has them weekends, but I've had such a close relationship with the girls and they were getting upset by not seeing me during the week, so the court decided that it was better for them to have an extra night with me during the week. They are only 2 and 5, so they will get accustomed to the routine and I think it's a good thing that I, their father, has fought so hard to be in their lives and do t think I should be criticised for that, as if I didn't fight for them then I'd have lost them for good. 

[stillafool]

I can't imagine a mother punishing her kids by not letting them see their father as much as they like (unless he is abusive) which you are not.  Congratulations on going to court and doing the work to make sure you see your kids.  I think you should take a break from dating, spend time with your girls and then get back out there.  You will meet the right woman for you.

[Blind-Sided]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

I can't imagine a mother punishing her kids by not letting them see their father as much as they like (unless he is abusive) 

Trust me... people go a little crazy.  My ex didn't want me to have any custody, and wanted me to pay child support and alimony. I'm guessing that's why she tried to go down the path of abuse.  But lucky for me... I have a couple buddies inside of CYS, and one of them have known me and my kids since they were born.  Also, I hired a lawyer who does work for the local abused women's shelter where my exW went.  On my first meeting with my layer, I gave permission to pull my criminal record, and all medical records for the kids. (I had nothing to hide)  But then... my exW started telling my oldest kid that if she stayed with me... she would become my slave... and all kinds of things a (at the time) 13 yo should never hear come out of her mother's mouth. (My daughter actually made a list to give to the judge later on)   Well, it backfired, and my oldest kid wanted nothing to do with her mother, and it took over a year for my kid to even want to go visit her mom. (sad really)   

I think my youngest daughter is still having a hard time with this. 

Anyway... OP... I'm glad you get more time... and yes... the kids will adjust. 

[Blind-Sided]

3 hours ago, Ryan_B said:

....I think it's a good thing that I, their father, has fought so hard to be in their lives and do t think I should be criticised for that, as if I didn't fight for them then I'd have lost them for good. 

I hope I wasn't coming off as criticizing.  I'm sorry if I did.  I know what it is to fight as a father.  In the case of custody... we are a "Second class citizen" so to speak. 

As you can see... I had to fight for my kids... but also prove I wasn't the abusive monster that my exW was trying to make out to be.  Not just on a legal side... but with all the school, and "Girl Scout" mom's I've come to know.  My first fight was getting 50/50 custody.   My second fight was with a crazy ex who tried to poison her daughter, and it backfired.  I didn't force my oldest daughter to go to her mother, because I didn't want to make my daughter feel abandoned. I told the ex, I will bring her to your house... or you can come get her... but my daughter refused.  So, the ex took us to court under "Contempt of the agreement"... after my daughter talked to the judge by herself, and I got a scolding.... the judge ripped into the ex about doing exactly what she accused me of. (mental abuse, and lies) 

After that... my kids were assigned a lawyer by the courts, and we had our meeting with her.  After talking with my oldest, and seeing me and my youngest interact in the waiting room... she knew where the real issue was. At that point... I felt vindicated... but I was still sad because the relationship between my oldest daughter, and her mother was never going to be the same. 

[spiderowl]

Hi Ryan_B,

I remember your situation.  Thank you for the update.  I am glad you have got the access arrangements sorted out.  It must have been very stressful.

You have been through a lot emotionally so maybe you need some quiet time, just with friends, to come to terms with all this?  I think you were right to drop out of a relationship if you weren't feeling it.  It wouldn't have been fair on the woman.

'Unbonding' doesn't happen instantly, despite what some would have us think.  It takes time for this to happen, especially if the break-up was not our choice in the first place.  It is not surprising you still have some feelings for or about your ex.

I would stick to just seeing friends until you know in your heart you are ready to move on.  If you want FWB, then I am sure you will make it clear to them that it is only sexual relief rather than a relationship.  It rarely works out like that but at least you will have been honest with yourself and the woman.

I think now you will be able to heal and gain strength from the situation being more settled.  You have done a great job of paying attention to your real feelings.  I am sure they will continue to guide you in the future.

 

 

[glows]

Unfortunately that rollercoaster ride of emotions will take awhile to dissipate. Wait it out and concentrate on other things in your life especially your girls. There's better coming in the next year or two and this up/down of emotions and missing your ex will fade.

Focus on better quality relationships instead of casual or meaningless connections with others who are going through similar divorces or personal issues. It's more to add to your plate. The dust will clear. Have faith.

[Ryan_B]

On 6/27/2021 at 5:12 AM, glows said:

Unfortunately that rollercoaster ride of emotions will take awhile to dissipate. Wait it out and concentrate on other things in your life especially your girls. There's better coming in the next year or two and this up/down of emotions and missing your ex will fade.

Focus on better quality relationships instead of casual or meaningless connections with others who are going through similar divorces or personal issues. It's more to add to your plate. The dust will clear. Have faith.

I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. Even seeing a girl that I went on just two dates with a few months ago is now in a relationship has hurt me (but when I did know her I really fell for her and she still goes round in my mind most days). This is by far the lowest I’ve felt for a good 8/9 months atleast. I’m watching a film on TV and there’s a couple cuddling, kissing and “other things” and that has even made me feel low, knowing that I’m so far from any kind of intimacy (not sex necessarily, but just the closeness with someone) and I just can’t cope. I don’t miss my ex wife as such and when we were together it was constant bickering and arguing, we hadn’t even kissed or cuddled for a good 18 months before the breakup let alone anything else, but atleast I wasn’t completely alone, I had her and my children around me constantly, I wasn’t living in silence, but now I just stare at the same four walls (apart from when I have my girls with me) and just wait for time to pass by. When I’m at work I think about things and just don’t know what to do. I snapped out if this for a few months but it’s back again and I’m scared that it’ll always come back to me and I’ll never find peace and happiness again

[glows]

9 hours ago, Ryan_B said:

I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. Even seeing a girl that I went on just two dates with a few months ago is now in a relationship has hurt me (but when I did know her I really fell for her and she still goes round in my mind most days). This is by far the lowest I’ve felt for a good 8/9 months atleast. I’m watching a film on TV and there’s a couple cuddling, kissing and “other things” and that has even made me feel low, knowing that I’m so far from any kind of intimacy (not sex necessarily, but just the closeness with someone) and I just can’t cope. I don’t miss my ex wife as such and when we were together it was constant bickering and arguing, we hadn’t even kissed or cuddled for a good 18 months before the breakup let alone anything else, but atleast I wasn’t completely alone, I had her and my children around me constantly, I wasn’t living in silence, but now I just stare at the same four walls (apart from when I have my girls with me) and just wait for time to pass by. When I’m at work I think about things and just don’t know what to do. I snapped out if this for a few months but it’s back again and I’m scared that it’ll always come back to me and I’ll never find peace and happiness again

Yeah. Been there. It'll take awhile. I didn't like watching the lovey dovey ("romance") shows or movies for awhile and then after some time, things will change and you'll find yourself hurting less and more receptive to others, also able to better filter individuals who aren't good for you. Give yourself more time and lose the contact with that girl you were going out with. You don't need that stuff right now. Vent if you need to vent. 

[Ryan_B]

5 hours ago, glows said:

Yeah. Been there. It'll take awhile. I didn't like watching the lovey dovey ("romance") shows or movies for awhile and then after some time, things will change and you'll find yourself hurting less and more receptive to others, also able to better filter individuals who aren't good for you. Give yourself more time and lose the contact with that girl you were going out with. You don't need that stuff right now. Vent if you need to vent. 

It's just so hard, especially when she is still messing me around with the girls, going against what the court said etc so it's just a mixture of all different emotions and the fact I have to see her 4 times a week to pick up/drop off the girls and most of the time her partner comes out aswell and makes me feel really awkward and he will try and make arguments, it's just so hard to get it all out of my mind and I don't know how I'll ever get over that. My closest mate has today put on his Facebook that he's in a new relationship, and it's just made my feelings even worse. Obviously I'm happy for him, but at the same time I feel like I'll never have that happiness again and it cuts so deep!

[d0nnivain]

Read up on something called parental alienation.  Your EX-wife is trying to weaponize your children.  Find a support group & get help from them so you have the tools you need to make sure you stay in your kids' lives. 

Face the fact that you are not ready to date & stop trying.  It's only making you crazy.   I get that you are lonely but any person you installed in your life would only be a rebound at this point -- somebody there to fill the void, not somebody who is necessarily good for you.  It is so hard when your friends get new relationships but you aren't ready.  In time think of his new GF as an entry into a larger social circle for you.  She knows all sorts of people you don't so maybe you will meet somebody new through her.  

Instead find other things that make you happy.  Take up a new hobby or get more invested in something you used to like to do.  Work over time or pick up a side hustle.  Bank all the extra money for a time when you feel better.  

Edited July 5, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Blind-Sided]

41 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Face the fact that you are not ready to date & stop trying.  It's only making you crazy.  

Instead find other things that make you happy.  Take up a new hobby or get more invested in something you used to like to do.

I agree.  Forcing yourself to date, when you are not mentally ready is bad for you... and honestly, bad for the person you will date.  Take some time, do a hobby to keep your mind clear. It takes time.

51 minutes ago, Ryan_B said:

It's just so hard, especially when she is still messing me around with the girls, going against what the court said etc so it's just a mixture of all different emotions and the fact I have to see her 4 times a week to pick up/drop off the girls and most of the time her partner comes out aswell and makes me feel really awkward and he will try and make arguments, it's just so hard to get it all out of my mind and I don't know how I'll ever get over that. My closest mate has today put on his Facebook that he's in a new relationship, and it's just made my feelings even worse. Obviously I'm happy for him, but at the same time I feel like I'll never have that happiness again and it cuts so deep!

As above... it will take time.   After 2 years... I've gotten to the point, where I don't care. (so to speak)  When the exW was over yesterday, we were able to have a normal conversation about the kids, and some minor health related issues... and I had the same "Emotional" level as if I was talking to a neighbor about cutting grass.  

Now... if her new BF is coming out, and putting in his 2 cents, in any way... then you need to talk to your exW and let her know it's not OK.  Her new BF has ZERO input on your kids, or the situation. Do not confront her BF about it.  Simply say to him... "I will not talk about maters of my kids with you."  Not to mention... the courts will agree. Even if he marries her... he is still not the father.  You are. 

I know it's all hard now.... trust me... I've been there.  It will take time to properly heal. 

[Foxhall]

Your getting a good enough deal there with seeing your daughters,

make the most of and enjoy that, a man is blessed to have daughters I imagine

Id be working towards the mindset also that things are finished with your ex-wife (romantically anyway), you need to move on and get her out of your system.,

and Id go against the grain therefore and start dating other women, 

[Ryan_B]

22 hours ago, Foxhall said:

Your getting a good enough deal there with seeing your daughters,

make the most of and enjoy that, a man is blessed to have daughters I imagine

Id be working towards the mindset also that things are finished with your ex-wife (romantically anyway), you need to move on and get her out of your system.,

and Id go against the grain therefore and start dating other women,

It's interesting that you've said that about dating others as it seems to be very much advised against by most people!

I'd love to be able to date again, but I'm not sure it'll ever happen. I've only ever been able to meet people on dating sites etc as I'm pretty shy, not good looking and very insecure, so I've been trying dating sites on and off over the last few months and never get a message back, let alone a date! 

I just hate this jealousy feeling that I have about my ex. Not jealous about someone else having her in his life as I'd not ever want her back anyway, but jealous of what they have. It's ridiculous, like I had to message her earlier about something to do with our daughters, this was a good three hours ago and I've not heard back from her and instantly I'm here thinking that I bet she is too busy doing "things" with him! It's just things like that. I can't stop thinking about her cuddling him, kissing him, holding hands, sex, everything and think that I'll never have any of that again while she is getting it all the time no doubt. It's the closeness and intimacy, not just sex but the loving feeling etc. 

I love my girls to bits and they mean everything to me, but there's still massive gaps in my life that I can't fill and it's now those gaps that are breaking me