Can I get over this insecurity?

[smackie9]

On 7/1/2021 at 5:59 AM, Frivolous said:

Reliable young doctor who only needs the room for 12 months 🙄

It's possible he is relocating/moving out of the country, sold his house, waiting for his condo to be built, etc... renting with someone in a furnished place is a practical choice. It's easy/temporary and it's available. I don't know where you live, but where I live, finding a place to rent or even buy is near impossible.

Edited July 2, 2021 by smackie9

[Frivolous]

8 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

There are literally people who  believe men and women should not even be platonic friends, so, as far as the "ridiculousness" of your "rules" for yourself goes, you're not on the extreme end of the spectrum.

Personally, I have a set of my rules for myself: I automatically regulate how I interact with my male friends and colleagues. When I am dating someone, I am very careful not to do certain things that might be perfectly innocent and well-intentioned because I can anticipate them laying a foundation for mistrust between me and my guy. But all of that has to come from within me. It should be the natural result of my own set of values. I would be resentful if a guy I was dating tried telling me what to do and what not to do.

So, to give you a relevant example, I might decide on my own not to have a male roommate. That would be fine. But it would be very different from my boyfriend telling me not to get a male roommate. That would make me wary of him.

I didn't think it was an extreme expectation as its not as if I was asking her to dress differently or walk behind me everywhere but I get its the principal of being told how to behave. I guess I'm just upset that our values are so misaligned. I've never actually felt I was being told what to do by any past partner, even 1 that asked me to stop talking to an ex. My partner is the centre of my world sort of thing so what they want comes first. Maybe it's not the healthiest way to be though and can understand why my current partner may feel its a bit controlling. 

Fingers crossed our difference in values don't effect our long term prospects 🤞

[Frivolous]

58 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

It's possible he is relocating/moving out of the country, sold his house, waiting for his condo to be built, etc... renting with someone in a furnished place is a practical choice. It's easy/temporary and it's available. I don't know where you live, but where I live, finding a place to rent or even buy is near impossible.

No he's just contracted in the area for 12 months with work so will likely move again in 12 months. I'm just accepting my partner would prefer to live with a guy and got a good vibe from him over the zoom viewing and that's it. I'm not questionning it anymore!

[kendahke]

On 7/1/2021 at 2:06 PM, Frivolous said:

People keep commenting on the length of time we've been together only being 4 months but I think that is somewhat irrelevant. I know people who have got married and started living together sooner than thst.

Non sequitur--those people are not you and there were a myriad of things that went into the decisions they made--none of which has anything to do with you.  Just because your friends would jump into an active volcano doesn't mean that's a wise move for you, too.

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Also these are the types of actions that help relationships progress I think.

Some relationships shouldn't succeed--the compatibility factor is so off that all you'll accomplish is decades of you being unhappy and angry to the point where no one wants to be around that noise.

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Otherwise keep acting like you're in a short term relationship and it will stay a short term relationship? 

not with this chick and not at 17 weeks...  new relationships all have a line of progression that unfolds... the first 3 months are the honeymoon phase, where everyone is agreeable and their "representatives on their best behavior" are there to make the good impression.  After about 3 1/2 - 5 weeks, the "representatives" are dismissed and the real them/real you comes to the fore... You know that phrase "familiarity breeds contempt"?  That begins playing into things.  You're discovering that who they fundamentally are isn't the ideal you've been building in your head for 17 weeks as to who they really are.  They are who they've always been... no amount of attempting to disregard, ignore, "n'yuh uh.." your way through this changes that fundamental fact of new relationships. 

Sounds like you don't have the relationship you thought you did... no amount of fantasizing and daydreaming is going to flip it into reality with this particular chick. She's going to do what she feels is in her best financial interests because that is fundamentally who she always has been.

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I just feel values wise it would be a considerate thing to do and also a nice thing to show that she's committing / thinking about me?

Never come between people and their money because you'll find out fast where you actually stand.

[rainbowchaser]

So my two cents is that when you have a flat with an empty room and you are expected to pay the whole rent whereas before you were paying half - it’s gonna be pretty stressful. And you are going to look to find to fill that room as quickly as possible with someone you can rely on to actually pay the rent!

Are you feeling upset because you had hoped that maybe she would ask you to move in?

i think you are making a lot of assumptions. That they will find each other mutually attractive (which is rare) and that she will betray your trust. When you say things are going great.

i would try to chill out and treat your GF like a responsible, honest adult. Lay off the pressure cause it’s not attractive when you are in anotherwise happy relationship.

[Frivolous]

On 7/7/2021 at 3:22 PM, kendahke said:

Non sequitur--those people are not you and there were a myriad of things that went into the decisions they made--none of which has anything to do with you.  Just because your friends would jump into an active volcano doesn't mean that's a wise move for you, too.

Some relationships shouldn't succeed--the compatibility factor is so off that all you'll accomplish is decades of you being unhappy and angry to the point where no one wants to be around that noise.

not with this chick and not at 17 weeks...  new relationships all have a line of progression that unfolds... the first 3 months are the honeymoon phase, where everyone is agreeable and their "representatives on their best behavior" are there to make the good impression.  After about 3 1/2 - 5 weeks, the "representatives" are dismissed and the real them/real you comes to the fore... You know that phrase "familiarity breeds contempt"?  That begins playing into things.  You're discovering that who they fundamentally are isn't the ideal you've been building in your head for 17 weeks as to who they really are.  They are who they've always been... no amount of attempting to disregard, ignore, "n'yuh uh.." your way through this changes that fundamental fact of new relationships. 

Sounds like you don't have the relationship you thought you did... no amount of fantasizing and daydreaming is going to flip it into reality with this particular chick. She's going to do what she feels is in her best financial interests because that is fundamentally who she always has been.

Never come between people and their money because you'll find out fast where you actually stand.

I agree with you, my point was that saying that we've only been together 4 months is not really an argument for anything as every relationship is different as you've said. I actually think it's important to be more flexible early on in the relationship than later to show how much you'd like it to be a long term thing. 

Yes I think you're right and our post honeymoon period behaviour is showing through now so it has started to become a compatibility test. There's definitely things I don't like so it seems like a test of my maturity to focus on what I love rather than the negatives idmf I'm serious about making it last. No doubt every relationship has its contention no matter how great it seems? I just hope the negatives turn into forgotten annoyances rather than build into deep seeded contempt that end us a few months down the line. 

 

[Frivolous]

On 7/10/2021 at 11:38 PM, rainbowchaser said:

So my two cents is that when you have a flat with an empty room and you are expected to pay the whole rent whereas before you were paying half - it’s gonna be pretty stressful. And you are going to look to find to fill that room as quickly as possible with someone you can rely on to actually pay the rent!

Are you feeling upset because you had hoped that maybe she would ask you to move in?

i think you are making a lot of assumptions. That they will find each other mutually attractive (which is rare) and that she will betray your trust. When you say things are going great.

i would try to chill out and treat your GF like a responsible, honest adult. Lay off the pressure cause it’s not attractive when you are in anotherwise happy relationship.

Yes you're right and I do believe she is purely thinking of it practically and making a decision that is least stressful for her. 

No I wasn't expecting her to ask me at all as I do feel it's quite soon for us to live together. My upset was purely down to her disregard for my feelings when I expressed that I was uncomfortable with her choosing a guy so easily. I know to her it may of felt like I was telling her what to do but to me it was as simple as she could make an easy decision to make the person she loves feel comfortable.

I am laying off this now as I know nothing good will come of pressing the issue. It's still hard for me to understand though as I wouldn't even question it if it was the shoe was on the other foot. Why would I make my partner feel anxious when I don't have to? I can't easily help the anxiety I feel and I have to live with that now and see them live together whereas she could of made a simple decision to avoid the whole situation 😏

[kendahke]

On 7/12/2021 at 5:50 PM, Frivolous said:

There's definitely things I don't like so it seems like a test of my maturity to focus on what I love

The test of your maturity is to see what is falling out in experience at your feet and accept that fact/truth, not steer into where your (irrational) feelings are going.

Sticking your head in the sand when her negative truth pops up is only going to end up hurting you.

[xxcazaxx]

The perks of living with a doctor is that they will rarely be in. Spend most time at work

[Janie7]

yeah I agree you should just forget about this and get over it.  You have an opposite sex roomie yourself and she needed help paying the bills.  Don't let your jealousy ruin an otherwise good relationship.

[Frivolous]

15 hours ago, kendahke said:

The test of your maturity is to see what is falling out in experience at your feet and accept that fact/truth, not steer into where your (irrational) feelings are going.

Sticking your head in the sand when her negative truth pops up is only going to end up hurting you.

Yes I have brought it up again even though I'm aware the more I do there is higher chance she will run away. Its still upsetting me and don't think it's healthy to keep it in. I thought back to how there was no effort from her side to look at any of the multiple other options she had which just meant I had to suck it up. We actually said we'd move in together soon so it was only a temporary solution but I've now said I don't want to because i'm very aware it's not coming from a good place. I also think she had the opportunity to live with me now instead of this guy and didn't take it so she can't be that keen and I don't want to feel like I'm making decisions for her. I feel like this because she's very passive and whilst seemed happy to live together she's made no attempts to make it happen and in my eyes actions speak louder than words. 

Getting back to just enjoying the dating and not thinking so serious and long term for now. 

 

Edited July 19, 2021 by Frivolous

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Frivolous said:

We actually said we'd move in together soon so it was only a temporary solution but I've now said I don't want to because i'm very aware it's not coming from a good place.

Agree. Talking about moving in together after dating 16 weeks is a bad idea. Moving in together out of convenience is also a bad idea. 

[Frivolous]

On 7/18/2021 at 10:41 PM, Janie7 said:

yeah I agree you should just forget about this and get over it.  You have an opposite sex roomie yourself and she needed help paying the bills.  Don't let your jealousy ruin an otherwise good relationship.

My point though Janie was that I didn't choose my roomie when I was in a relationship and I wouldn't choose to live with a girl now out of respect. She could of just as easily found a girl to live with so it's not like he was the only person applying for the room. 

Even though its platonic I now have to play 2nd fiddde to some new guy she's going to be spending more time with than me who may fancy her. I may be jealous but she chose to put me in a jealous position when she didn't have to. Just forgetting about it is easier said than done. 

[Crazelnut]

You will only play 2nd fiddle if you make it so. A roommate is a roommate, not a romantic interest. 

And do NOT blame her for "putting you in this position." This is all on you! This is YOUR insecurity. You should break up and let this poor girl find a more secure man. 

[Frivolous]

On 7/24/2021 at 3:12 PM, Crazelnut said:

You will only play 2nd fiddle if you make it so. A roommate is a roommate, not a romantic interest. 

And do NOT blame her for "putting you in this position." This is all on you! This is YOUR insecurity. You should break up and let this poor girl find a more secure man. 

People end up in romantic relationships with the people in their lives that didn't start off as romantic all the time. It's a fact of life so in my view the more you put yourself in front of the opposite sex the more chance you're putting on your relationship to fail. Humans have emotional and sexual desires that can't just be ignored and that's how it is. I feel its a duty to make your partner feel comfortable in these situations and if you feel controlled then you should ask yourself why you feel that way. Is your partner not worth the effort? 

Just as I was dealing with this load of insecurity I've been hit with a new batch as she said she was meeting up with her girl manager and turns out 2 guys are also going. Why she said she was meeting her manager and not a group of people I don't know. Not sure I'm suited to someone who makes new male friends all of the time  I feel like as soon as I'm a bit boring or not affectionate enough she will be off. 

[Wiseman2]

You really can't get upset anytime other males are around. It doesn't mean something is going to happen.

Think about it. Do you jump every women that comes along?

[Frivolous]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You really can't get upset anytime other males are around. It doesn't mean something is going to happen.

Think about it. Do you jump every women that comes along?

I agree and there's nothing wrong with having opposite sex friends but constantly making new ones whilst in a relationship feels wrong to me. She was replying to the email in front of me and said I don't know why my manager has invited those guys (showing me they were copied in to the email). So she apparently doesn't even know them yet will be having a nice intimate walk around a park together or she does know them but wasn't going to tell me they were going until the email came up. Either way I think it's not great behaviour in a relationship. Maybe I should start making new female friends in case 1 of them is better than my gf or just in case my relationship fails I will have potential options? 

 

Hell I could even start online dating again and make new female friends that way? 🙄

Edited July 27, 2021 by Frivolous

[Daisydooks]

12 minutes ago, Frivolous said:

I agree and there's nothing wrong with having opposite sex friends but constantly making new ones whilst in a relationship feels wrong to me. She was replying to the email in front of me and said I don't know why my manager has invited those guys (showing me they were copied in to the email). So she apparently doesn't even know them yet will be having a nice intimate walk around a park together or she does know them but wasn't going to tell me they were going until the email came up. Either way I think it's not great behaviour in a relationship. Maybe I should start making new female friends in case 1 of them is better than my gf or just in case my relationship fails I will have potential options? 

 

Hell I could even start online dating again and make new female friends that way? 🙄

Games never work so no, dont play games. She obviously felt youd overreact.  Why? 

Or you could not play games and just find someone who is honest/or feels they dont need to hide everything from you. Why did she feel the need to hide it? 

What would have happened had she told you the truth? Honest inquiry here. 

[Frivolous]

4 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

Games never work so no, dont play games. She obviously felt youd overreact.  Why? 

Or you could not play games and just find someone who is honest/or feels they dont need to hide everything from you. Why did she feel the need to hide it? 

What would have happened had she told you the truth? Honest inquiry here. 

Thanks Daisy, I know that's not the way to deal with it but should I just ignore this? It's not like I don't want to make female friends I just avoid it out of respect so am annoyed she's so casual with it. Like a got chatting to a girl at the gym the other day but I didn't ask if she fancied hanging out because I feel its disrespectful to my relationship. 

Maybe she was hiding it just because of the whole guy flatmate thing and worried it would cause more drama but honesty if she had just said she was walking with a bunch from work I probably wouldn't of thought anymore about it. She specifically said she was hanging out with her manager and didn't mention the guys so now it's got me thinking. Even the fact that the walk is now 2 girls and 2 guys annoys me a bit as just feels a bit too intimate with guys she hardly knows. 

What would you make of the situation if it was your boyfriend? 

[basil67]

@Frivolous  Way back in your past, you describe a situation where you got too close to another girl behind your then girlfriend's back.  Do you think that with this issue, you're projecting because you know that you've done what you're worried about her doing?

Also, over here  you describe yourself as a "quarrelsome perfectionist" and you openly admit that you couldn't date someone like you because it would drive you insane.

I suggest you take a look at these bits of your past and see if they are part of the equation here.   Are you projecting?  Are you being a quarrelsome perfectionist?   Can you try and look at issues in a different way?

 

Edited July 27, 2021 by basil67

[Daisydooks]

1 hour ago, Frivolous said:

Thanks Daisy, I know that's not the way to deal with it but should I just ignore this? It's not like I don't want to make female friends I just avoid it out of respect so am annoyed she's so casual with it. Like a got chatting to a girl at the gym the other day but I didn't ask if she fancied hanging out because I feel its disrespectful to my relationship. 

Maybe she was hiding it just because of the whole guy flatmate thing and worried it would cause more drama but honesty if she had just said she was walking with a bunch from work I probably wouldn't of thought anymore about it. She specifically said she was hanging out with her manager and didn't mention the guys so now it's got me thinking. Even the fact that the walk is now 2 girls and 2 guys annoys me a bit as just feels a bit too intimate with guys she hardly knows. 

What would you make of the situation if it was your boyfriend? 

Ok I'll answer for you because you completely managed to mangle the answer.  Youve overreacted completely to the Dr moving in. At 4 months, I would not have made a decision on a roommate based on my new bfs insecurity, at all, ever. So she isnt wrong IMO for choosing what is best for her right now. Youve literally been dating for a hot second. Im sorry your opinion doesn't matter as much as you think it should YET. 

If you cannot handle any of this without acting like a toddler about it, end it and find someone who only speaks to women. Honest answer. The woman you date cannot speak to or be near men without you being all funky about it so she is now at a stand still with you and playing games because youre going to overreact.  I think had you handled this roomie situation differently, you'd have been told all about the walk with the manager and 2 guys but since you freaked out over this and have mentioned the roommate being a man a number of times she now feels weird being honest even if she knows she isnt doing anything wrong 

Id back off a lot. If you want this to continue of course. If you want to get dumped, or have an otherwise unhealthy relationship where youre always arguing about the opposite sex, continue as you are. 

My "boyfriend" (Husband) has multiple female friends. Some he has even gone to dinner alone with. Some I know better than others.  When it comes down to it, I trust that he isnt unfaithful. My last relationship ended due to cheating so Ive been hurt but I promised myself Id never be with anyone again I even felt would screw around/make me question things. I trust that he wouldn't do anything behind my back that he wouldnt do in front of me. 

Im not saying youre wrong, but 16-17 weeks in is the honeymoon stage, not the fight over nonsense stage. Maybe she is a terrible cheaty mccheaterson. Only you know her. I do not. But if she isnt, and you want this to work with any chance in hell, you're going to have to cut out the jealousy or you'll ruin what you describe as a good thing (and I wouldn't want that for you)

Do you believe she is unfaithful? If so, end it. If not, try to have more faith in her and believe in her. Thats all.  I feel your behaviour surrounding men is creating an odd dynamic early on where she now feels she cannot speak to you about anything unless it only involves women. Im not saying she shouldnt be honest. Im saying this behaviour between you is causing issues. If you do not trust her and feel deep down she is or has the ability to lie and cheat, end it. Dont argue about any of it though.  Just end it if youre not compatible. 

Edited July 27, 2021 by Daisydooks

[Frivolous]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

@Frivolous  Way back in your past, you describe a situation where you got too close to another girl behind your then girlfriend's back.  Do you think that with this issue, you're projecting because you know that you've done what you're worried about her doing?

Also, over here  you describe yourself as a "quarrelsome perfectionist" and you openly admit that you couldn't date someone like you because it would drive you insane.

I suggest you take a look at these bits of your past and see if they are part of the equation here.   Are you projecting?  Are you being a quarrelsome perfectionist?   Can you try and look at issues in a different way?

 

Wow thanks for the trip down memory lane I had forgotten all about that! Really good to read back. Yes I think you're right! I'm in no doubt that I have personal issues/traits that really aren't conducive for a long term relationship as i've been with some great people and it hasn't worked out for 1 reason or another. Maybe because i have this weaknesses my insecurity comes from believing others have them too so could be led astray even for emotional cheating not just sex. I didn't experience this sort of insecurity with the girlfriends I talked about back then though. 1 was very traditional and didn't really have much need for having lots of guy friends so never worried me. The other 1 was quiet/antisocial like me due to having depression/anxiety like me. It was nice that i felt more secure but ultimately i believe us both having weak mental health was the main cause of that relationship ending as little issues turned into big ones.

So yes the bottom line is that I have issues that can cause havoc in relationships which i guess is why I'm approaching 35 and have only ever had 1 long term relationship of 3 years! What i have to figure out though is if my current partner's character is good for me or if i will just end up completely stressed all of the time. Annoyingly i cant just turn my feelings off so all i can think to do is to try and imitate her and spend more time with opposite sex friends in the hope that it will help me get over my insecurities and build a strong trusting relationship. I'm faced with improving my bad traits and changing my values which isn't going to be easy! People probably just think i'm being a dic*k when in factr i get so stressed out thinking about things i think of ending it just to be on my own and not think about it anymore! 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Frivolous said:

 opposite sex friends but constantly making new ones whilst in a relationship feels wrong to me.. Either way I think it's not great behaviour in a relationship. 🙄

Well, those are your values/feelings. However it's unrealistic, possessive and jealous to expect a moratorium on new friends.

[Frivolous]

8 hours ago, Daisydooks said:

Ok I'll answer for you because you completely managed to mangle the answer.  Youve overreacted completely to the Dr moving in. At 4 months, I would not have made a decision on a roommate based on my new bfs insecurity, at all, ever. So she isnt wrong IMO for choosing what is best for her right now. Youve literally been dating for a hot second. Im sorry your opinion doesn't matter as much as you think it should YET. 

If you cannot handle any of this without acting like a toddler about it, end it and find someone who only speaks to women. Honest answer. The woman you date cannot speak to or be near men without you being all funky about it so she is now at a stand still with you and playing games because youre going to overreact.  I think had you handled this roomie situation differently, you'd have been told all about the walk with the manager and 2 guys but since you freaked out over this and have mentioned the roommate being a man a number of times she now feels weird being honest even if she knows she isnt doing anything wrong 

Id back off a lot. If you want this to continue of course. If you want to get dumped, or have an otherwise unhealthy relationship where youre always arguing about the opposite sex, continue as you are. 

My "boyfriend" (Husband) has multiple female friends. Some he has even gone to dinner alone with. Some I know better than others.  When it comes down to it, I trust that he isnt unfaithful. My last relationship ended due to cheating so Ive been hurt but I promised myself Id never be with anyone again I even felt would screw around/make me question things. I trust that he wouldn't do anything behind my back that he wouldnt do in front of me. 

Im not saying youre wrong, but 16-17 weeks in is the honeymoon stage, not the fight over nonsense stage. Maybe she is a terrible cheaty mccheaterson. Only you know her. I do not. But if she isnt, and you want this to work with any chance in hell, you're going to have to cut out the jealousy or you'll ruin what you describe as a good thing (and I wouldn't want that for you)

Do you believe she is unfaithful? If so, end it. If not, try to have more faith in her and believe in her. Thats all.  I feel your behaviour surrounding men is creating an odd dynamic early on where she now feels she cannot speak to you about anything unless it only involves women. I'm not saying she shouldnt be honest. Im saying this behaviour between you is causing issues. If you do not trust her and feel deep down she is or has the ability to lie and cheat, end it. Don't argue about any of it though.  Just end it if youre not compatible. 

So even if you thought they could be a person you could marry you wouldn't be considerate of their insecurities at all? To me it sends out signals that my partner isn't thinking long term and will struggle to support me in the future if something else comes up. I mean its not down to her to take on my issues but surely if she wants a relationship with me she has to accept the good with the bad? I can't logic how someone says they love you, would live with you and how you are the most important person yet be so unsupportive. Maybe i get too serious too soon but I feel there too many flaky people in the world and i dont want to be 1!

You're definitely stronger willed than me! Although I'm frustrated that people think its coming from a childish/jealous controlling place when it really isn't. I'd never ask her to limit her male friendships or give off every time she speaks to a guy because thats ridiculous. HOWEVER, i do expect some level of boundaries when it comes to bringing new male friends into her life. Like going out for dinner with an old friend is fine but going out for dinner with a guy she has just met isn't. Applying some logic to it i thinks its simple maths, the more opposite sex friends you have the greater the chance you will stray especially if things get a bit hard or just because you have a time of weakness and the option was there. I even get anxious about why people need so many opposite sex friends in the 1st place! If someone is that socially needy then it makes me think at some time when you aren't quite enough for your partner then they will be tempted to fulfil their needs elsewhere even if its just in a friendship way. This all increases they chances of straying IMO but maybe i'm just a weak primitive human!

I feel she is very trustworthy and makes me feel secure in other ways like messaging when she can and spending most of her time off with me. I agree though if i can't adapt i will just have to end it as i dont want her to change just for me as i don't want to be with someone that feels controlled or whatever.

[Frivolous]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Well, those are your values/feelings. However it's unrealistic, possessive and jealous to expect a moratorium on new friends.

To some extent i agree but also believe its just an opinion as its very much realistic and practiced by some couples i know. Some people just don't have such a need for making new opposite sex friends once in a relationship. Sure new platonic opposite sex friends can be made without problem but honestly what's the real point of it if a person already has plenty of friends? Is there an element of attention seeking, ego boosting and keeping options open? Why can't existing friends fulfil needs? I think being completely ignorant of your relationship for the sake of new friends that don't bring much to your life doesn't scream commitment to me. If i wanted to spend time with girls so much i'd just stay single