Blacksheep33 Posted June 7, 2021 Posted June 7, 2021 I know this might sound petty but I want to know if I am right to be mad. My boyfriend and I live in an apartment and we have laundry on site but we have to pay with coins to use the washing and drying machine. My boyfriend does his own laundry and so do I. The thing is that it’s really hard to get change. I normally only use my credit card so I have to get money out of the ATM and then get change by buying something or just asking at the stores. Whenever I have change, I save it to wash my clothes. My BF is always asking me for change because he just never has enough. Maybe he has some but needs more and I have to give him my change. He gets mad if I tell him I want to save my coins. I know it’s not a big deal but I’m not a person that likes to ask for things. I want to have my money handy when I need it and if I give it to my boyfriend, that means that he will owe me and I will have to keep asking for my change back. The other day I went to a laundromat on purpose and washed my clothes there just so I could get a bunch of change. They have machines there to get quarters. So I got myself a bag of quarters since I was washing there and I was happy I would no longer have an issue and could wash my clothes at my apartment building any time. I had put the bag with change in my drawer. Yesterday my boyfriend washed and he took my change without my permission so now half of the bag is gone. He basically “stole” half of my change. Should I be upset that he doesn’t get his own change and just keeps asking or stealing from me? He says we’re supposed to share because we’re a couple. He’s absolutely right but it doesn’t make sense for us to ask each other for quarters all the time instead of having our own. I don’t like doing that. I don’t understand why can’t he be responsible with his change instead of asking. What do you think? should I just give him all my change even though I need it?
CollinW Posted June 7, 2021 Posted June 7, 2021 11 minutes ago, Blacksheep33 said: He basically “stole” half of my change. I'm sorry but this is so damn hilarious to me. Yes it's petty. When you get change, just get change to cover both of you. 1
Wiseman2 Posted June 7, 2021 Posted June 7, 2021 29 minutes ago, Blacksheep33 said: He says we’re supposed to share because we’re a couple. Get rolls of coins at the bank and don't tell him. Keep it in your car. 5 1
Maldives Posted June 7, 2021 Posted June 7, 2021 (edited) No I don't think it's petty I think what Wiseman said is a good suggestion. Just to get him to start doing his bit. Hide yours and just say you don't have any change that'll force him to start having his own stash on hand. He's starting to depend on you because you always have change so he gets lazy getting his own. This will hopefully also avoid an argument too as there's not much he can do or say if you don't have change on hand. I think if you turn around and draw the line and have a conversation about him having his own he's gonna argue with you and it won't go anywhere. This tactic will force him to change his behaviour I think and not argue hopefully. But whatever you do don't relent and give him coins then he will work out you were bluffing just stick to your story no matter how much he cries or moans. Edited June 7, 2021 by Goodguy05 1
Lotsgoingon Posted June 7, 2021 Posted June 7, 2021 No, it's not petty. In fact, harm comes to relationships when people in your position suppress their unhappiness with being a coin cash register. So instead of blaming bf or getting angry at bf, this is a perfect time to set limits. And you need to learn to set limits because relationships depend on them. The trick is to drain the anger from your voice. "Hey, I see you're using my change. I was confused by that at first. So we need to work something out. For example, you pay me in case or credit for the money you take. And I'll continue to get change for both of us, but I wanted it acknowledged that I'm getting change for both of us." "In the future, I am more than willing to share with you, but I need you to discuss ahead of time using money from me. I know we have different styles, but this is important to me." Bottom line: 1. You need to say something--go gently ... but clearly! ... gently doesn't mean being a pushover ... 2. You need ask him to not take money without your permission or to pay you back quickly when he does so. At the very least, he needs to mark down exactly how much money he took. (Trust me, approximates don't work here. He needs to write down or message you exactly amounts he takes as soon as he takes it.) 3. You can, if you want, volunteer for the task of getting coins for both of you, but you want that work to be acknowledged. You're doing a favor for him and the relationship. (Don't do stuff like this on the sly--people get furious when they don't get cred, and this guy is showing signs of laziness in that he needs to be thanking you for taking change and quickly paying you back--and he's NOT.) 4. Make sure he doesn't use the fake-flip psychology. "It's only a few dollars. Not a big deal." That's likely to be his statement. And the reply from you is, "if it's such a minor deal, then you can get the change yourself since it's a minor deal." 1
ShyViolet Posted June 7, 2021 Posted June 7, 2021 No, he shouldn't be taking it if you've asked him not to, but this is very petty and not worth creating a rift in the relationship over. We are talking about a few dollars. How do you suppose you can keep coins totally separate if you live together? When I used to need quarters for laundry, I got tired of always scrounging for them, so I would go to the bank and get a lot of rolls of quarters at a time, enough to last a couple months. Just do that. And split the cost. 1
Wiseman2 Posted June 7, 2021 Posted June 7, 2021 2 hours ago, Blacksheep33 said: He says we’re supposed to share because we’re a couple. Give-an-inch-take-a-mile is not "sharing", it's taking advantage and being lazy/entitled 2 1
Gaeta Posted June 7, 2021 Posted June 7, 2021 How much it cost him to do his wash for 6 months? Lets say $100. Ask him that $100, go to bank and change it for coins. You'll have some peace for 6 months. Repeat in 6 months 2
norealusername Posted June 8, 2021 Posted June 8, 2021 It's not petty. He took money from you without asking, that is called stealing. Maybe it's not a lot of money and he's doing it out of laziness, but it's still stealing. He's demonstrating a complete lack of respect for you. He doesn't care that you planned ahead, he cares more about himself. I would dump him. 1
basil67 Posted June 8, 2021 Posted June 8, 2021 (edited) You both share the house, so you should both share the coinage for the laundry, much the same as a couple would share pantry items. Seems to me this is more about resentment for him not adding to the coin stash. My solution to this agrees with some of what has been mentioned previously. Much like how you'd organise groceries, both of you chip in upfront, get change from the bank, enough to last you for three months of washing. Or, if he's going out, ask him to go to the bank. Edit to add: this issue on it's own sounds petty, but I wonder if it's the tip of the iceberg. Does he generally hold up his end of the deal for being a good person to live with...or is he lazy? Edited June 8, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
MsJayne Posted June 8, 2021 Posted June 8, 2021 While I understand that petty issues can become massive if someone keeps doing a small thing that niggles you, the solution is obvious, just hide your coins in a good place and when he asks you if you have any, just lie and say 'No', (sometimes people deserve to be lied to ). Eventually he'll get his act together and learn to be more prepared. On a more serious note, someone who regularly sponges off of you, even in small ways, is bad partner material. Today it's only the laundry coins, tomorrow you're behind in your mortgage because he's failing to pay his half.
Acacia98 Posted June 8, 2021 Posted June 8, 2021 50 minutes ago, basil67 said: Does he generally hold up his end of the deal for being a good person to live with...or is he lazy? I agree with this. If he plays his part in the home and this particular issue balances out against something else that he typically does for you, let this go. If, on the other hand, he is typically lazy and takes advantage of your efforts, then it's time for you to start doing things differently. 1
Sun Seeker Posted June 8, 2021 Posted June 8, 2021 No it is not a big deal and yes you are being very petty. He is right, you should be sharing as you are a couple. If he needed the change, and you had it, why is it a problem he took it? Surely he can just give it back to you whenever if it's that important to you? I can't believe when you give him change you ask him for it back... like seriously? Do you count everything you spend on him and then ask for that amount back at some point?
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 8, 2021 Posted June 8, 2021 It's a big deal because it's disrespectful to do something your partner has asked you not to do. I would not marry someone who did this type thing, because I actually did. And he ended up stealing a lot from me and others I know of. It began with little amounts that I ignored. Don't ignore this. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted June 8, 2021 Posted June 8, 2021 Sharing is done up front. You and I agree to share X. We agree to share the rent and so on. Me being too lazy and grabbing your coins (not realizing, not showing any initiative or imagination to understand that you don't make coins--you had to go get them somewhere) ... that's petty ON HIS part. Sharing doesn't give me the right to grab a partner's checkbook regularly without asking them or consulting with them. Sharing has to be aboard board. Official. Do not let this go ... again, just stand up for yourself. Your bf may just have a blind spot ... or lazily took coins from friends to do the laundry at earlier points in life. He needs to grow up. You take someone's money, you do so only for an emergency. And then you tell them what you did and you scramble to pay them back. He's turned this into YOU are not sharing. So lame on his part. Extremely lame. Go grab a shirt he likes and "share it"--use it for dusting and cleaning ... When he objects, tell him he's supposed to share!
dramafreezone Posted June 8, 2021 Posted June 8, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, norealusername said: It's not petty. He took money from you without asking, that is called stealing. Maybe it's not a lot of money and he's doing it out of laziness, but it's still stealing. He's demonstrating a complete lack of respect for you. He doesn't care that you planned ahead, he cares more about himself. I would dump him. End a relationship over some quarters? That's a wee bit of an overreaction. Maybe talking things out would be a good next step. This is the wrong hill to die on. Edited June 8, 2021 by dramafreezone
Caauug Posted June 8, 2021 Posted June 8, 2021 I like the suggestion to just get rolls from the bank and split the cost. Does your BF get time to get change? Does he work a long hour day week? I know when I was doing 6x12hr days +travel with only Sunday off, trying get buy anything while at work was near impossible. Be careful what you wish for? If you are going to train him to split the costs down to a quarter of a dollar this could really back fire on you at a later date. Will you ever, for as long as you are in a R with him, want money that he has earned to send for your wants/needs? Where do you see this R going? What are hoping to achieve in this R? If you hope to see engagement, marriage, kids, what will happen when you need a quarter or two for laundry when you are a SAHM? Or do you think what you want to teach him now will not apply then? Or are you a believer in that saying: What's yours is mine, and what's mine is my own? That started to go out with the equality coming in and you are wanting equality with the laundry quarters.... 1
basil67 Posted June 8, 2021 Posted June 8, 2021 (edited) Hey, I do understand this problem. I have a need for small money in our house too. I break the big notes and bring home a collection of small notes. My partner spends the small notes instead of keeping them for what they are needed for. So I ask him to use big notes to buy small stuff and bring home small notes but he forgets. Yes, it's an inconvenience. But considering that he's actually a terrific partner, I thank my lucky stars for how fortunate I am. When the solution to this problem is so simple, don't sweat the small stuff. Edited June 8, 2021 by basil67 1
Blind-Sided Posted June 8, 2021 Posted June 8, 2021 (edited) It's not petty. When I was younger, I moved in with a GF, and it was the end of the relationship... because I saw how much of a slob she was. I remember the actual break up was because I was tired of seeing her wet shower towel on the floor of the hallway. (a small 1 bedroom appt) So, your BF taking money... regardless if it's change... is still a pattern of him being either lazy, or just not wanting to pay for his half. Now... I'm not sure why you are "Looking for change" or going to the laundryman to get change. As @Wiseman2 said... go to a bank, and get a few rolls of quarters. They are easy to stash. I also think getting him change every 6 months is bad too. That will just set up a trend of you doing things for him. Now... if you like this guy... it may not matter in a couple years, if you get a house, or rent somewhere where there is a machine to just use. And finally... he says that you are a couple, and you share things. While that may be true... but do you have a common bank account for the house? If not... then your bag of change is still your money. Since you are both adults... you need to sit down, and have a real conversation about it. Edited June 8, 2021 by Blind-Sided 1
introverted1 Posted June 8, 2021 Posted June 8, 2021 It's fine to take the position that your change is your change, but then expect this to be the case across the board, i.e., pay for exactly the food you eat (and never eat part of his bag of chips), split the cost of all dates (being sure to pay for exactly your share + tax + tip), use your cars equally on joint outings or have the one whose car is used less pay some of the other's gas, and so on. Personally, I'd rather just accept that my bf was going to use the change than get into this level of micro-management about expenses, but if being exact is important to you, that's what matters. 1 1
BaileyB Posted June 8, 2021 Posted June 8, 2021 I would be pretty annoyed. It’s not the money that is the problem, it’s the lack of consideration and the sense of entitlement that would bother me. If he is going to take your change and he considers it to be “communal,” how often does he cash some money to replenish the bank? That’s the fair thing to do, and if he is not doing that - I would be really angry. Would I chose to make this a big issue in the relationship- no. As was said above, you really can’t sweat the small stuff in a relationship. This problem just needs a solution. Either a) he gives you money and you cash it and you put it in the communal change purse. Or, b) you create your own change purse and you hide it such that you know the money will be there when you need it. Both work well. 3
Fletch Lives Posted June 8, 2021 Posted June 8, 2021 Oh brother, we are having strife because of a few quarters? Seriously? I can't do this anymore! 1
Gaeta Posted June 8, 2021 Posted June 8, 2021 2 hours ago, Blind-Sided said: I also think getting him change every 6 months is bad too. That will just set up a trend of you doing things for him. Isn't it how relationship should be? She does things for him, he does things for her in return. She gets the laundry coins twice a year and he changes the tires on her car twice a year. I'm sure he does things for her, and it would be ok if he only took a few coins once in a while but all the time is annoying to her. It's like your partner eating the last of the ham when he knows it's for your work lunch. It's annoying and makes you run around for more. 3
Blind-Sided Posted June 8, 2021 Posted June 8, 2021 21 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Isn't it how relationship should be? She does things for him, he does things for her in return. She gets the laundry coins twice a year and he changes the tires on her car twice a year. Sure... that's exactly how it should work. On that point I agree 100%. But if he was pulling his weight... then why is she upset? LOL. But then again... my exW was that way. On her way out, she blamed me for not doing enough dishes, or laundry. But she failed to see me working on cars, mowing the grass, plowing snow, fixing everything that broke, and general house maintenance. (saving 10's of thousands of $$$ over the 20 years we were together) Then again... sometimes a simple thing becomes a hot topic. 3
smackie9 Posted June 8, 2021 Posted June 8, 2021 (edited) This is your solution. Figure out how much him and you need to use over a two week period. You and your BF BOTH go to the bank together on a set date each month or on your paydays (or pick a day once or twice a month) to get each your own rolls of coins. When you do it together, then there will be no excuses like "oh I forgot/didn't have time". If this doesn't work and he's short on coins, take his coins (because he's probably been spending them elsewhere) and give them to him as needed for his laundry. This needs to be done...because over time this grows into her being taken advantage of other things. Nip it in the bud now. Edited June 8, 2021 by smackie9
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