Vivalavi Posted May 30, 2021 Share Posted May 30, 2021 I'm struggling badly. I looked at his social media for dozens times today just to see if he was online. All this because he didn't text back since I replied to his morning text. It's almost midnight now. I don't know how to stop obsessing over his texting pattern. How did you make yourself to stop? How do you not take it personally? How not to care??? I feel pathetic now. Link to post Share on other sites
Donnas Posted May 30, 2021 Share Posted May 30, 2021 Easily.Just stop!Dont do it no more.Find a hobby a life, something to do that time that you waste on someones else man. Everytimenit comes out in your mind to do it, you go and do your hobby. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 30, 2021 Share Posted May 30, 2021 Ahh... This is precisely what delete and block were made for. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 30, 2021 Share Posted May 30, 2021 I thought he ended it. No? Link to post Share on other sites
NYAG Posted May 30, 2021 Share Posted May 30, 2021 6 hours ago, Vivalavi said: I'm struggling badly. I looked at his social media for dozens times today just to see if he was online. All this because he didn't text back since I replied to his morning text. It's almost midnight now. I don't know how to stop obsessing over his texting pattern. How did you make yourself to stop? How do you not take it personally? How not to care??? I feel pathetic now. Delete everything and their number so you can't find it again to text. It's like any other addiction, you have to take control of it, and not do it to detox your system. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vivalavi Posted May 31, 2021 Author Share Posted May 31, 2021 20 hours ago, elaine567 said: I thought he ended it. No? He ended it! But he also said we can stay friends and keep talking on Snapchat. He said he enjoys talking to me! It's pretty confusing though. I asked him what are rules now that we are friends only when it comes to flirting and such. He said "it's a free country. You can say whatever you want." I don't get it!!! Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 31, 2021 Share Posted May 31, 2021 No-one who is emotionally invested and has been dumped can remain friends with their dumper. They want more than the dumper is prepared to give them and so staying friends hurts. Also many say "We can be friends" but don't really mean it. It is just a nice thing to say and is used to soften the blow. If he is not acting like a friend, then he won't have meant it. Trouble is many dumpers can want to remain friends as they are no longer invested and being friends does not hurt them, it neither puts them up or down, they don't really care if the dumpee wants to remain friends or not... The best thing to do as the injured party is to go NC and move on. Playing "friend" games does you no favours whatsoever. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
NYAG Posted May 31, 2021 Share Posted May 31, 2021 4 hours ago, Vivalavi said: He ended it! But he also said we can stay friends and keep talking on Snapchat. He said he enjoys talking to me! It's pretty confusing though. I asked him what are rules now that we are friends only when it comes to flirting and such. He said "it's a free country. You can say whatever you want." I don't get it!!! By keeping you as 'just friends' he's keeping you on simmer in case he changes his mind and because it gives him something to focus on when he's bored - at least until he finds another OW. NC is the only way. Never do 'just friends' . The boundaries aren't real. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 31, 2021 Share Posted May 31, 2021 6 hours ago, Vivalavi said: . I asked him what are rules now that we are friends only when it comes to flirting and such. He said "it's a free country. You can say whatever you want. Full circle. Two people cheating on their spouses and rationalizing it as "friends", but saying they ended it to make themselves look good. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 31, 2021 Share Posted May 31, 2021 (edited) 7 hours ago, Vivalavi said: He said he enjoys talking to me! The way that you place that exclamation mark at the end of that statement shows your joy. This is a man who has already placed you in a position of inferiority, as the other woman. Now, he has demoted you further, he no longer wants to be in an affair with you because he is trying to have another child... But, he still enjoys talking you! And you are elated! He is still in your life and you are elated. With kindness, because this will sound harsh, where is your self respect? Edited May 31, 2021 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 31, 2021 Share Posted May 31, 2021 7 hours ago, Vivalavi said: I asked him what are rules now that we are friends only when it comes to flirting and such. He said "it's a free country. You can say whatever you want." I don't get it!!! He’s certainly not going to object if you want to flirt with him. He will accept your adoration and attention - no problem. Just don’t expect anything in return. He has told you that it’s over. If I had a crystal ball, I expect that he will begin flirting once the baby arrives. The sex will dry up at home and he will have kept you around for exactly that reason... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted May 31, 2021 Share Posted May 31, 2021 Re: stopping the checking social media, looking at old texts, etc. You take it one day, one hour, even one minute at a time. You say, today I will not look at his social media. And then you get through the day, hour by hour, minute by minute. It won't be easy at first, because it is like an addiction and checking social media is like a fix. I know, I've been there. But you can do one day, right? You can. Don't think of it as "I am never going to look at his social media again." Looking at it as forever is just too overwhelming, especially since you are just starting. But you can do one hour, one day. You are strong enough for that. And the hours and days and weeks and months will add up, and you will become stronger with each milestone. You can do it. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 31, 2021 Share Posted May 31, 2021 When he said "friends" he meant that the two of you can be cordial with each other. He isn't into the texting with you anymore. It's time to move on now because he's showing you he doesn't want more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vivalavi Posted June 1, 2021 Author Share Posted June 1, 2021 On 5/31/2021 at 2:39 AM, elaine567 said: No-one who is emotionally invested and has been dumped can remain friends with their dumper. They want more than the dumper is prepared to give them and so staying friends hurts. Also many say "We can be friends" but don't really mean it. It is just a nice thing to say and is used to soften the blow. If he is not acting like a friend, then he won't have meant it. Trouble is many dumpers can want to remain friends as they are no longer invested and being friends does not hurt them, it neither puts them up or down, they don't really care if the dumpee wants to remain friends or not... The best thing to do as the injured party is to go NC and move on. Playing "friend" games does you no favours whatsoever. That's true. All of it. What got me was when we had our little talk in person was how calm he was. No emotions. Just repeating how he truly cares about me and it is nothing personal. Sadly, it all got blurry afterwards and I can't recall details of everything he told me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vivalavi Posted June 1, 2021 Author Share Posted June 1, 2021 20 hours ago, stillafool said: When he said "friends" he meant that the two of you can be cordial with each other. He isn't into the texting with you anymore. It's time to move on now because he's showing you he doesn't want more. It's all rather confusing. After texting me once that day, he texted next day saying sorry for being busy. Then texted several times every day since that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vivalavi Posted June 1, 2021 Author Share Posted June 1, 2021 21 hours ago, Bittersweetie said: Re: stopping the checking social media, looking at old texts, etc. You take it one day, one hour, even one minute at a time. You say, today I will not look at his social media. And then you get through the day, hour by hour, minute by minute. It won't be easy at first, because it is like an addiction and checking social media is like a fix. I know, I've been there. But you can do one day, right? You can. Don't think of it as "I am never going to look at his social media again." Looking at it as forever is just too overwhelming, especially since you are just starting. But you can do one hour, one day. You are strong enough for that. And the hours and days and weeks and months will add up, and you will become stronger with each milestone. You can do it. You couldn't say it any better. I took your advice yesterday. Looking at it as forever feels overwhelming and anxious. I took it by hour. Being out with friends helped as well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 1, 2021 Share Posted June 1, 2021 5 hours ago, Vivalavi said: It's all rather confusing. After texting me once that day, he texted next day saying sorry for being busy. Then texted several times every day since that. For him, the pressure is off now. He's told you there's no future together, so he feels fine carrying on with you when it suits him - because hey, he has now warned you not to have any expectations. So he's trucking along just fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Camper Posted June 1, 2021 Share Posted June 1, 2021 Just stop. Block him if you have to. Or stop doing social media altogether for a while until you feel you can resist the temptation. You cannot begin to recover from this until you remove him from your life. It stinks, big time, but will get easier in time. Find another hobby. Or focus on your own spouse and family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 1, 2021 Share Posted June 1, 2021 On 5/31/2021 at 1:49 PM, BaileyB said: If I had a crystal ball, I expect that he will begin flirting once the baby arrives. The sex will dry up at home and he will have kept you around for exactly that reason... Unless he wants this to be over, (and maybe he does, I don't know), I guess he will be back before the baby arrives. As soon as his wife's pregnancy makes sex difficult or reduced, he will come a-knocking... Trying for a baby = lots of sex... pregnancy = decreased sex. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 1, 2021 Share Posted June 1, 2021 52 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Unless he wants this to be over, (and maybe he does, I don't know), I guess he will be back before the baby arrives. As soon as his wife's pregnancy makes sex difficult or reduced, he will come a-knocking... Trying for a baby = lots of sex... pregnancy = decreased sex. I know a couple who've had 4 pregnancies, 4 kids and the last 3 months of each of her pregnancies he's cheated. After the baby is delivered and she heals up he's back in love with her again and stops. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 1, 2021 Share Posted June 1, 2021 52 minutes ago, stillafool said: I know a couple who've had 4 pregnancies, 4 kids and the last 3 months of each of her pregnancies he's cheated. After the baby is delivered and she heals up he's back in love with her again and stops. That’s brutal. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vivalavi Posted June 1, 2021 Author Share Posted June 1, 2021 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: Unless he wants this to be over, (and maybe he does, I don't know), I guess he will be back before the baby arrives. As soon as his wife's pregnancy makes sex difficult or reduced, he will come a-knocking... Trying for a baby = lots of sex... pregnancy = decreased sex. Logically, it means less action but I doubt it will happen. When he talked about his married friend going through different women like socks, I started to think he might wanna have same fun. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vivalavi Posted June 1, 2021 Author Share Posted June 1, 2021 1 hour ago, stillafool said: I know a couple who've had 4 pregnancies, 4 kids and the last 3 months of each of her pregnancies he's cheated. After the baby is delivered and she heals up he's back in love with her again and stops. That's pretty sick! How can they compartmentalize like that??? I simply can't understand. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 1, 2021 Share Posted June 1, 2021 1 minute ago, Vivalavi said: When he talked about his married friend going through different women like socks, I started to think he might wanna have same fun. You may be right, and he may have someone in mind, hard to say, but when he doesn't find "fun", guess who is gonna call? Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted June 2, 2021 Share Posted June 2, 2021 1 hour ago, Vivalavi said: That's pretty sick! How can they compartmentalize like that??? I simply can't understand. A thing I have observed with a lot of men who cheat is that they cheat to supplement whatever they aren't getting at home. They love their wives in a selfish, superficial sort of way, but they want sex, so they go and get it outside the marriage. The mistress is there as an addition---not a replacement. They aren't looking for a substitute wife, they're just looking for something that's currently missing. (And it's not always about sex: when cheating-inclined men feel they're missing emotional support at home, they may seek that out too.) As soon as that's provided, they leave. An OW here once described it as being a like a toy. The MM plays with you when they want, then puts you back in your box until the next time. A mistress also provides all the fun and excitement of a relationship without any of the baggage. Your mistress isn't sitting with you at the DMV, doesn't need you to talk about bills, doesn't ask you to pick up cat food. It's all just infatuation, lust, longing, sex and sensuality. Anyone who has been in a committed relationship long enough knows what it's like to hit a patch where you are honestly sick and tired of the other person, or you just don't want to spend all day talking about home renovations. Most people are able to get through those ruts. But some people, especially immature people, look elsewhere for an escape. And when they're done they can go back to their partner like nothing happened, because in their minds the sexy affair stuff has nothing to do with their feelings for their partner. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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