6 months in and he still seems aloof

[sunny-daze]

Good morning, friends!

I'm looking for some advice on a new relationship so bare with me as I make my first post. We've been together for 6 months now, but it's been slow moving and there are some concerns that have popped up for me recently. 

I don't want to get into the details, but I had to go in and have a biopsy done on a precancerous lesion my doctor found this week. Minor, but uncomfortable. Nerve-racking because I won't have the results until next week, though the doctor said she wasn't overly worried. My partner wished me good luck in the morning...but then never followed up. Maybe I'm just being nitpicky and needy, but it would have been nice for him to have asked how it went, how I was feeling, etc. I just wanted the support of my partner. 

I think it would be less of a big deal if he was more communicative in general. He doesn't often verbalize how he feels about me...never compliments me, tells me he misses me, or gives any verbal indication about how he cares about me. I compliment him often...'hey handsome' is my usual greeting, I tell him he looks ridiculously attractive, I say I'm so happy we met, etc etc. I brought this up before and he said he was sorry he wasn't a better communicator and that he thought I knew how he felt about me, but would try harder to tell me and show me. He told me that this relationship was important to him and he wanted it to work. 

This is probably an issue of different love languages. I know I'm a words of affirmation person so I don't know if I'll be able to work through this...when my friends talk about things their partners say to them or share cute little texts they receive, I get jealous. 

Again, it makes me feel needy. But once in a while it'd be nice to hear "you look pretty" or "I can't wait to see you" or "I really like you". Anything. He seems so aloof to me sometimes. Like there's a wall around him, or there's just something missing between us. I thought he'd open up more after a few months, but he hasn't. I do know I'm the first serious relationship he's had that's lasted more than a few weeks over the past five years, so maybe he just never really learned how to express himself to a partner? Sometimes I feel like he just doesn't consider me, which could be a byproduct of having been single for so many years. He does make efforts to show me he cares when we're together, but living an hour apart we can only see each other twice a week usually. Between those visits, communication is usually just sporadic texting. 

Can anyone relate? Sometimes I consider breaking up with him, but this seems like such a superficial reason to do so. 

[ShyViolet]

This absolutely sounds like a guy I once dated.  He was very emotionally closed up and emotionally cold, he would never say sweet things to me, he wouldn't even hold my hand when we were out in public.  It really bothered me and made me feel like there was a huge disconnect between us.  That relationship lasted six months, and when I look back on it now, it was one of the worst relationships I've ever been in.  There was no outright fighting, he didn't do anything bad like abuse me or cheat on me, none of that.  But I wish I had just ended it sooner.  

It's hard to tell if this guy is just not that into you, or if this is just how he is... emotionally closed up.  But this is NOT superficial, this is actually very important stuff and it affects how you feel about the whole relationship.  I personally would never stay in a relationship with someone who was this emotionally cold.  If his interactions with you leave you feeling empty and unsatisfied then what is the point ???  I bet this is exactly why he hasn't had a relationship in so long.  

[sunny-daze]

1 minute ago, ShyViolet said:

This absolutely sounds like a guy I once dated.  He was very emotionally closed up and emotionally cold, he would never say sweet things to me, he wouldn't even hold my hand when we were out in public.  It really bothered me and made me feel like there was a huge disconnect between us.  That relationship lasted six months, and when I look back on it now, it was one of the worst relationships I've ever been in.  There was no outright fighting, he didn't do anything bad like abuse me or cheat on me, none of that.  But I wish I had just ended it sooner.  

It's hard to tell if this guy is just not that into you, or if this is just how he is... emotionally closed up.  But this is NOT superficial, this is actually very important stuff and it affects how you feel about the whole relationship.  I personally would never stay in a relationship with someone who was this emotionally cold.  If his interactions with you leave you feeling empty and unsatisfied then what is the point ???  I bet this is exactly why he hasn't had a relationship in so long.  

Thank you, I was so worried I would sound shallow here. 

I wouldn't describe him as 'cold' really, most just emotionally distant. He's affectionate to me in person...holds my hand in public, always ready to snuggle up when watching television. But I guess I do notice a lot of the times I initiate the physical touch. I usually don't get a kiss hello unless I go in for it first, but he never rejects me or anything and tends to reciprocate more after that. I'm fairly confident he cares about me...like I said, I did bring a lot of this up before and he said he just assumed I knew how he felt and knew it wasn't fair so would try harder. I guess I just haven't seen the effort? It does leave me feeling empty and unsatisfied. I tend to feel better when we're together, but when we're apart is when I started to feel a little doubtful. 

It stinks because I like him a lot and he's a good person, makes me laugh, acts sweet to me. But just not good at all at expressing emotions or putting himself out there. At 6 months I would at least expect to have heard "I like you" at least once. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, sunny-daze said:

He seems so aloof to me sometimes. Like there's a wall around him, or there's just something missing between us. I thought he'd open up more after a few months, but he hasn't.

Sorry to hear this.  How long were you out of a relationship before you started dating him?

You seem to have someone/something quite specific, right down to the precise dialogue they should have, in mind as your ideal you are comparing him to, no?

Conversely, he make feel sickened by all the saccharine flattery, so this is not a minor incompatibility.

At 24 weeks dating it's not shallow to observe these major incompatibilities and this much disconnect. You are already quite frustrated and resentful.

[Alvi]

9 hours ago, sunny-daze said:

I don't want to get into the details, but I had to go in and have a biopsy done on a precancerous lesion my doctor found this week. Minor, but uncomfortable. Nerve-racking because I won't have the results until next week, though the doctor said she wasn't overly worried. My partner wished me good luck in the morning...but then never followed up. Maybe I'm just being nitpicky and needy, but it would have been nice for him to have asked how it went, how I was feeling, etc. I just wanted the support of my partner. 

Oh wow, how cold hearted can this guy be? Can't even text or phone to see how his GF is feeling after the biopsy? He is not a very warm  lovey-dovey kind of guy based on your description. But even the most emotionally closed guy can pick up the phone and phone his girlfriend after her having a difficult procedure done. I don't care how unromantic he is, this is simply not acceptable. I simply think that he doesn't care about you at all. I very cold, detached behavior on his part. I mean, I phoned and asked my neighbor how he was feeling few month ago. I don't even know him that well, but I felt bad hearing from his wife that he ended up in a hospital. That is what people do, don't they? Not going to tell you what to do, but please consider this as a breaking point in your relationship. Please weigh all pros and cons before taking this any further. Do you really want to date or spend the rest of your life with a guy who cannot to be there for you when you are at some low point in your life? This should be so simple for him, pick up the phone and asking you how you are feeling. He failed you even at that.

Do you think he might be on the spectrum?  That might explain somewhat his cold detached behavior. Or he simply doesn't give a hoot about you.

 

Edited May 14, 2021 by Alvi

[Alvi]

9 hours ago, sunny-daze said:

I think it would be less of a big deal if he was more communicative in general. He doesn't often verbalize how he feels about me...never compliments me, tells me he misses me, or gives any verbal indication about how he cares about me. I compliment him often...'hey handsome' is my usual greeting, I tell him he looks ridiculously attractive, I say I'm so happy we met, etc etc. I brought this up before and he said he was sorry he wasn't a better communicator and that he thought I knew how he felt about me, but would try harder to tell me and show me. He told me that this relationship was important to him and he wanted it to work. 

This is an overkill. Feels like you are love-bombing him.  He is going to get annoyed, if he hasn't already, because he is not the same page relationship-wise. It's like you are trying too hard to gain his approval. I would definitely feel suffocated if a guy was telling this to me every single time when we meet. I might even break up with him since I would feel rushed. He probably doesn't feel that way about you at all, hence he never says any of that back. If he felt the same about you, all this would be perfectly fine. But he doesn't so scale back on that. Save all the compliments for someone who actually cares about you.

Edited May 14, 2021 by Alvi

[basil67]

9 hours ago, sunny-daze said:

I don't want to get into the details, but I had to go in and have a biopsy done on a precancerous lesion my doctor found this week. Minor, but uncomfortable. Nerve-racking because I won't have the results until next week, though the doctor said she wasn't overly worried. My partner wished me good luck in the morning...but then never followed up. Maybe I'm just being nitpicky and needy, but it would have been nice for him to have asked how it went, how I was feeling, etc. I just wanted the support of my partner.

I think this is a classic case of 'treat others how you wish to be treated'.   Problem is, we don't all want to be treated the same way.

I had the same procedure done a few weeks back and my hubby didn't ask how I went.  Probably because it was minor and a) he trusts that I'd be fine with the procedure (and I was fine with it) and b) because it's not something he'd expect to have done for him.   However, if I was someone who reached out all the time with "How did it go?", then I'd likely want the same treatment back to me.  

Do you think that he'd act differently if it was a much more worrying medical treatment?  Like a general anesthetic for a concerning breast lump?   

You say that this is likely a 'love language' issue and I think you're right.  So what is your partner's love language?  Does he show that he cares in other ways?

Edited May 14, 2021 by basil67

[spiderowl]

This is a difficult one, OP.  I think you need to ask yourself if he has any understanding of your feelings at all.  It is fairly easy to say things that imply understanding - like 'I didn't know how you felt'.  That is an acknowledgement of kinds but the lack of follow up suggests he was just saying it.

He could be quite cold and lacking empathy but he could also be on the spectrum.  I can imagine my high-functioning autistic relative behaving in exactly the same way.  He does not believe in saying things for the comfort of others.  He is a very honest person but just doesn't get that some things are appropriate even if they feel unnecessary to him.  I worry about him.  The positive side is that he is absolutely trustworthy and will be totally honest with any woman.  He is gentle, easy-going and responsible.  

I think many of us would have followed up and called you after your procedure to see how you were, even if it was minor.  It's just something people who care do!  See how behaves later, whether he asks you about your procedure, seems caring.

I can understand your reservations.  You may want to consider your options if you are always going to feel shortchanged in this relationship.

Edited May 14, 2021 by spiderowl

[chillii]

You both sound a bit flat on things to me too. l mean after 6mths , he's handsome, big deal that's got nothing to do with who you guys are , he makes you laugh , same again, he's a good person , you like him a lot, like a good friend. l mean 6mths , you both should be thinking much much more of ea other than just superficial stuff like that,.

Have either of you actually ever been in love , lt all just sounds very flatish to me and that could also have a lot to do with why he doesn't say much. l mean it's damn hard not to if your actually feeling it and the doctor thing just sounds more of the same.

Edited May 14, 2021 by chillii

[smackie9]

Why are you dating someone for 6 months that doesn't treat you the way you want to be treated? Dump him.

[sunny-daze]

Thanks for the replies everyone! I do have a few things to say. I know people have concerns I’m love bombing or being excessive...but I don’t fawn over him or overkill with compliments. When I walk in the door I’ll say hey handsome. And it stops there. I’m not gushing the whole night and smothering him either. I don’t think there’s anything wrong either with saying hey you look really nice in that shirt once in a while or I appreciate you. I definitely don’t say these things every single day. They’d lose their meaning then. Especially after 6 months. But I guess I do see how someone who isn’t into compliments wouldn’t like that. It’s been two years since my last relationship that was long-term, since then I’ve dated others for a few weeks here and there. 
 

I don’t think he’s on the spectrum, but I could be wrong. I really think he’s just sort of aloof sometimes. That’s the best word I can use to describe it. It’s like a detachment almost. Someone said we sound very flat, but he does make me laugh and we have a lot of fun together and he is a good person. I think what’s missing is that we don’t feel as close as I think you’d normally feel with someone after 6 months. Like I mentioned, I did bring this up to him and he was super apologetic and adamant about wanting this to work and trying harder. I definitely gave him an out during that conversation if he wasn’t feeling it but he seemed really sure that he wanted this. 

edit: my whole point in saying that I do compliment him wasn’t to show that I’m like over abundant  in doing so...I just didn’t want anyone to say maybe it was because it’s not something I do either. 

 

Edited May 14, 2021 by sunny-daze

[GeorgiaPeach1]

On 5/13/2021 at 10:22 AM, sunny-daze said:

Good morning, friends!

I'm looking for some advice on a new relationship so bare with me as I make my first post. We've been together for 6 months now, but it's been slow moving and there are some concerns that have popped up for me recently. 

I don't want to get into the details, but I had to go in and have a biopsy done on a precancerous lesion my doctor found this week. Minor, but uncomfortable. Nerve-racking because I won't have the results until next week, though the doctor said she wasn't overly worried. My partner wished me good luck in the morning...but then never followed up. Maybe I'm just being nitpicky and needy, but it would have been nice for him to have asked how it went, how I was feeling, etc. I just wanted the support of my partner. 

I think it would be less of a big deal if he was more communicative in general. He doesn't often verbalize how he feels about me...never compliments me, tells me he misses me, or gives any verbal indication about how he cares about me. I compliment him often...'hey handsome' is my usual greeting, I tell him he looks ridiculously attractive, I say I'm so happy we met, etc etc. I brought this up before and he said he was sorry he wasn't a better communicator and that he thought I knew how he felt about me, but would try harder to tell me and show me. He told me that this relationship was important to him and he wanted it to work. 

This is probably an issue of different love languages. I know I'm a words of affirmation person so I don't know if I'll be able to work through this...when my friends talk about things their partners say to them or share cute little texts they receive, I get jealous. 

Again, it makes me feel needy. But once in a while it'd be nice to hear "you look pretty" or "I can't wait to see you" or "I really like you". Anything. He seems so aloof to me sometimes. Like there's a wall around him, or there's just something missing between us. I thought he'd open up more after a few months, but he hasn't. I do know I'm the first serious relationship he's had that's lasted more than a few weeks over the past five years, so maybe he just never really learned how to express himself to a partner? Sometimes I feel like he just doesn't consider me, which could be a byproduct of having been single for so many years. He does make efforts to show me he cares when we're together, but living an hour apart we can only see each other twice a week usually. Between those visits, communication is usually just sporadic texting. 

Can anyone relate? Sometimes I consider breaking up with him, but this seems like such a superficial reason to do so. 

I had a boyfriend like that a few years ago. He never emotionally connected to me and dumped me by text, with no distress or concern. Looking back at what he told me when we first met about his previous relationships, I recall he had done the same thing to women before me. I somehow thought I would be treated differently lol

 Either he's unable to connect on a deeper level, or he already knows you aren't The One. Either way, I don't think it's going to work out long-term. 

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, sunny-daze said:

I don’t think he’s on the spectrum, but I could be wrong. I really think he’s just sort of aloof sometimes. That’s the best word I can use to describe it. It’s like a detachment almost.  I did bring this up to him and he was super apologetic and adamant about wanting this to work and trying harder. I definitely gave him an out during that conversation if he wasn’t feeling it but he seemed really sure that he wanted this. 

Agree, not everyone who doesn't fit like a glove has some sort of neuropsychiatric disorder.

He seems into you and this is simply his personality. Find out his "love language" see if that helps, however if he is reserved or distracted that's just who he is. You may need to get to know him better...or he's just not the guy for you.

[sunny-daze]

22 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

I had a boyfriend like that a few years ago. He never emotionally connected to me and dumped me by text, with no distress or concern. Looking back at what he told me when we first met about his previous relationships, I recall he had done the same thing to women before me. I somehow thought I would be treated differently lol

 Either he's unable to connect on a deeper level, or he already knows you aren't The One. Either way, I don't think it's going to work out long-term. 

I really think he's just unable to connect on a deeper level. But I do agree, I think to have this many doubts at six months in is probably a bad sign. Thanks for your response!

[sunny-daze]

22 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree, not everyone who doesn't fit like a glove has some sort of neuropsychiatric disorder.

He seems into you and this is simply his personality. Find out his "love language" see if that helps, however if he is reserved or distracted that's just who he is. You may need to get to know him better...or he's just not the guy for you.

I think he's definitely into me. His personality is very sarcastic, funny, sociable. Can talk to anyone. For whatever reason, he's just very reserved emotionally. His dad is pretty similar to be honest, so maybe this is just how he was raised to be. 

[Ami1uwant]

On 5/13/2021 at 11:22 AM, sunny-daze said:

Good morning, friends!

I'm looking for some advice on a new relationship so bare with me as I make my first post. We've been together for 6 months now, but it's been slow moving and there are some concerns that have popped up for me recently. 

I don't want to get into the details, but I had to go in and have a biopsy done on a precancerous lesion my doctor found this week. Minor, but uncomfortable. Nerve-racking because I won't have the results until next week, though the doctor said she wasn't overly worried. My partner wished me good luck in the morning...but then never followed up. Maybe I'm just being nitpicky and needy, but it would have been nice for him to have asked how it went, how I was feeling, etc. I just wanted the support of my partner. 

I think it would be less of a big deal if he was more communicative in general. He doesn't often verbalize how he feels about me...never compliments me, tells me he misses me, or gives any verbal indication about how he cares about me. I compliment him often...'hey handsome' is my usual greeting, I tell him he looks ridiculously attractive, I say I'm so happy we met, etc etc. I brought this up before and he said he was sorry he wasn't a better communicator and that he thought I knew how he felt about me, but would try harder to tell me and show me. He told me that this relationship was important to him and he wanted it to work. 

This is probably an issue of different love languages. I know I'm a words of affirmation person so I don't know if I'll be able to work through this...when my friends talk about things their partners say to them or share cute little texts they receive, I get jealous. 

Again, it makes me feel needy. But once in a while it'd be nice to hear "you look pretty" or "I can't wait to see you" or "I really like you". Anything. He seems so aloof to me sometimes. Like there's a wall around him, or there's just something missing between us. I thought he'd open up more after a few months, but he hasn't. I do know I'm the first serious relationship he's had that's lasted more than a few weeks over the past five years, so maybe he just never really learned how to express himself to a partner? Sometimes I feel like he just doesn't consider me, which could be a byproduct of having been single for so many years. He does make efforts to show me he cares when we're together, but living an hour apart we can only see each other twice a week usually. Between those visits, communication is usually just sporadic texting. 

Can anyone relate? Sometimes I consider breaking up with him, but this seems like such a superficial reason to do so. 

 

what does he do to show love to you?

 

some aren’t verbal, they may be more physical.

 

have you talked to him about this?

 

he might read you going to a dr appt as not a big thing because your attitude says to him you aren’t worried.  He might not be able to read subtle.

 

I personally don’t like regular complements because they are hollow to when you actually do mean it vs being polite but not really mean it.

 

he coukd be aspergers/ASD

[sunny-daze]

6 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

 

what does he do to show love to you?

 

some aren’t verbal, they may be more physical.

 

have you talked to him about this?

 

he might read you going to a dr appt as not a big thing because your attitude says to him you aren’t worried.  He might not be able to read subtle.

 

I personally don’t like regular complements because they are hollow to when you actually do mean it vs being polite but not really mean it.

 

he coukd be aspergers/ASD

 

To be fair, we haven't used the L word at all yet so I have no idea if that's how he feels about me or not. I did talk to him about this, and he apologized for not being more communicative and that he assumed that I knew how he felt about me. He said he would try harder in the future to show and tell me how he feels. I'm not even saying I want regular compliments...I just would settle for a compliment once a month at this point. I don't need to be complimented each and every day. 

I really don't think he's aspergers or ASD. I used to be educator that worked with kids on the spectrum and he just doesn't really exhibit any real indication. 

 

 

 

[Saracena]

. Out of interest what is he like with his friends, his family etc?

I suspect this is more his personality than anything else. However that's not to say you have to accept things etc Up to you whether you stick around or not. Like you,  this wouldn't be enough for me either.

[Miss Spider]

Yeah I’m with you, regardless of reason,  this would really bother me, particularly the part where .... not even a compliment ever on my appearance when I put some extra effort in, or when I do something impressive etc? I’d just be like wtf. That makes me feel supported by my partner. And also no initiating physical contact ever, I take it even sex? That would probably make me feel crappy and undesirable. I don’t know about ‘love languages” but  I’m fluent, to some extent, in all and so have the people I date ,,,  I like to show I care and I’m into them across the board and like the same in return ...Not enough info to say what’s truly going on here. I just wouldn’t be okay with. 

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, sunny-daze said:

 

To be fair, we haven't used the L word at all yet so I have no idea if that's how he feels about me or not. I did talk to him about this, and he apologized for not being more communicative and that he assumed that I knew how he felt about me. He said he would try harder in the future to show and tell me how he feels. I'm not even saying I want regular compliments...I just would settle for a compliment once a month at this point. I don't need to be complimented each and every day. 

I really don't think he's aspergers or ASD. I used to be educator that worked with kids on the spectrum and he just doesn't really exhibit any real indication. 

 

 

 

Maybe he's the strong silent type and that attracts you to some degree but it also seems like you are incompatible.

Lots of talking and sharing and complements are not for everyone.

Stop and reflect if there's something else bothering you such as where you stand with him and why you need reassuring.

[Ami1uwant]

On 5/15/2021 at 2:00 PM, sunny-daze said:

 

To be fair, we haven't used the L word at all yet so I have no idea if that's how he feels about me or not. I did talk to him about this, and he apologized for not being more communicative and that he assumed that I knew how he felt about me. He said he would try harder in the future to show and tell me how he feels. I'm not even saying I want regular compliments...I just would settle for a compliment once a month at this point. I don't need to be complimented each and every day. 

I really don't think he's aspergers or ASD. I used to be educator that worked with kids on the spectrum and he just doesn't really exhibit any real indication. 

 

 

 

I have a subtle genetic form that might not be recognized by you.  My brother is univ faculty who has studied aspergers in brain function over his career. When I told him I’m certain I have it in talking to others he hadn’t paid attention until he looked at patterns in my behavior and saw something.  My neurologists have seen it too.  
 

its genetic because other relatives on my mother’s side have some form of it.  In women it’s harder to see because shyness, reserved, is more socially acceptable.

 

with this comes traits such as not being as verbal in comp,ements or being more direct in comments or not reading non verbal cues or not reading into what you are saying such as sarcastic comments saying it in a normal vocal tone and then interpreting it as how it’s directly said.

 

how does he show affection to you? It isn’t direct of I love you but it’s indirect in him doing little things?  Does he initiate affection?

[Ami1uwant]

20 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Yeah I’m with you, regardless of reason,  this would really bother me, particularly the part where .... not even a compliment ever on my appearance when I put some extra effort in, or when I do something impressive etc? I’d just be like wtf. That makes me feel supported by my partner. And also no initiating physical contact ever, I take it even sex? That would probably make me feel crappy and undesirable. I don’t know about ‘love languages” but  I’m fluent, to some extent, in all and so have the people I date ,,,  I like to show I care and I’m into them across the board and like the same in return ...Not enough info to say what’s truly going on here. I just wouldn’t be okay with. 

you don’t think complements are shallow and meaningless if they are given everyday? 

[Miss Spider]

On 5/13/2021 at 11:22 AM, sunny-daze said:

never compliments me, tells me he misses me, or gives any verbal indication about how he cares about me.

Sure it can,  but I didn’t think that was what OP said. There’s a vast gray area between being complimented “every day” and “never” being complimented 

Edited May 16, 2021 by Cookiesandough