pepperbird2 Posted May 14, 2021 Posted May 14, 2021 On 5/11/2021 at 8:33 AM, denwickdroylsden said: WS here. AP was also married. On the heels of an ugly Dday I broke off all contact. I basically threw her under the bus. Nasty of me. Conscience troubled me on so many levels, plus could not stop thinking about her so a year (?) later managed to establish contact again. Reason was to apologize for what I did. She got her chance to rip me a new one, well deserved. For her it was an exit A. I still with my W. Still think about AP sometimes even a decade later. She deserved a whole lot better. your wife did too.
pepperbird2 Posted May 14, 2021 Posted May 14, 2021 Not sure if this will help or not, but one never knows. You don't sound like a bad guy to me OP, but your actions have been pretty rotten. I understand why you want to be there for your now ex-ow, but really give that some thought. Will that help her or hurt her? Is it giving her false hope? Would it keep her from being able to move on and find happiness with a different man? If you don't mind a suggestion, how about writing a letter to your ex-ow. take your time and get out everything you hav to say, but make it clear that it's a "good bye" letter. Don't try and soften the blow by being ambiguous. I'm not going to lie and say it won't hurt her, but that one sharp pain may be far better than a long, drawn out ending that is even ore painful for a lot longer. Once it's received, that's the end of contact. No checking in, you quick messages, no snooping her social media. Leave her alone so she can heal from the end of her affair and the end of her marriage. Let her get off he roller coaster. 1
NYAG Posted May 15, 2021 Posted May 15, 2021 On 5/10/2021 at 5:59 PM, Fubared said: We've talked a lot about me making all the decisions so far, she has been *very* clear that this is what she believes is best for her. It almost doesn't really matter what it is, the main thing for her is she gets to decide, to have some power back. The idea that I can discard her as if she was nothing, rather than try to support her like she has asked is the most devastating thing for her. It involves more deception, lying. Staying in touch basically continues the affair, emotionally if not physically. But not for ever. My APs attitude is "my partner has me for the rest of her life, which shouldn't she have me for a bit longer. " Unsurprisingly I have commitment issues. I'm not married to the mother of my child because I've been ambivalent. "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" as the book title says, a constant dance of forwards and back. I've worn my partner down, I don't know if she even loves me any more but we've been together for 10 years and she's at an age where if she doesn't have another child now she never will. After everything, I think the least I can do is give her the children she is desperate for. I had to be pushed into having our first child, I wouldn't say yes or no to having him, and like all children he is hard work, but he is also awesome and I'd like him to have a sibling in life. Maybe we would split up after having a 2nd child, but at least she would have them in her life. Would she make the same decision with all the info? Honestly I don't know but I know she would never regret having the 2nd child, no matter what happened after. My AP believes she has been sacrificed for my partners 2nd child. If we had two children already, I would have chosen her. My AP already has her two children, leaving her husband doesn't give her less family than she wants. The only thing I can say for sure is I won't resume this affair because by then my AP will have long found someone that loves her like she deserves. Writing the original post was also for me, to try and confess anonymously on the internet. To put it out there what I have done and the pain I've caused. But even here, anonymously I sanitised it to make myself look better. This post is more accurate, to explain just quite how much I've messed up. My concern is that, given your above reservations, even if you do completely cut off from the OW, once the new child comes along the whole cycle will start again. And even if it doesn't, there are lots of question marks over the reason for you staying with your GF. You don't sound happy there regardless. I fear that, even if you do break all contact with your current OW and go your separate ways, somewhere along the line you will crave that intimacy and other relationship status again. You're kidding yourself if you think by staying with your GF this isn't going to hove into view again at some point. It will.
NYAG Posted May 15, 2021 Posted May 15, 2021 On 5/11/2021 at 12:33 PM, denwickdroylsden said: WS here. AP was also married. On the heels of an ugly Dday I broke off all contact. I basically threw her under the bus. Nasty of me. Conscience troubled me on so many levels, plus could not stop thinking about her so a year (?) later managed to establish contact again. Reason was to apologize for what I did. She got her chance to rip me a new one, well deserved. For her it was an exit A. I still with my W. Still think about AP sometimes even a decade later. She deserved a whole lot better. Yep. AP's are always expendable. If you're going to be one, be hard as nails and always expect the end.
Stupidkupid Posted May 15, 2021 Posted May 15, 2021 2 hours ago, NYAG said: Yep. AP's are always expendable. If you're going to be one, be hard as nails and always expect the end. Yep. 1
Birdies Posted June 11, 2021 Posted June 11, 2021 I was a married woman in an affair with a married man. *Disclaimer that I realize this is super $hitty of us and I am NOT defending these really poor, selfish decisions.* When everything blew up, we ended up both getting divorced, and now we are happily married. In your situation, it will just prolong her suffering to stay in contact with her. Not to mention, you are continuing to cheat on your wife by staying in contact with your affair partner. And ALSO not to mention, despite you saying "there's no risk at all of continuing the affair", continued contact very often results in things starting back up again. I can't tell you how many times we "broke it off" which never lasted. For all your sakes, the kindest and most peaceful thing to do is to go No Contact. 1
Yesitswrong Posted June 19, 2021 Posted June 19, 2021 Former other woman here I don’t agree with you discarding her if she’s asking you for some support right now if your concern is her feelings. If your primary concern is saving your relationship then unfortunately you should speak to your AP and let her know that although you wish you could be there for her, you have to focus on your relationship and speaking to her doesn’t allow that to happen. I went through a difficult time and had my AP thrown me away during that time, I wouldn’t have been able to get through. Having said that, if you’re going to speak to her, keep it limited. No in-person meetings. No hours-long conversations. And not every day. Check in every now and then but you can’t be a constant in her life. She can’t rely on you because she needs to move on. And so do you since you’ve made the choice to stay in your relationship. All choices have consequences. 2
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