Contact after affair

[Fubared]

I am male, have a long term partner (who has a very stressful, intense job), and we have a toddler.     Although relationships aren't about sex, it is important in them, after our child was born my partner lost all interest in intimacy and sex for 2 years, saying she was too stressed and tired from her job.    Combined with her stressful job and having a small baby that was supposed to reduce her commitment to her work but didn't, I had an affair with someone.  It wasn't something I went looking for, but followed the depressingly cliched pattern of being deeply unhappy in my primary relationship, but feeling stuck, forming a supportive friendship with someone in a similar situation, then emotional, skirting around something we knew was wrong to a full blown sexual affair.

After a year of secrecy it reached an intense crunch point where we needed to decide if we were going to leave our partners for each other.  I chose to stay with my partner, her work had improved a bit, she started to become interested in us again, but she also wants another child.   I would like a sibling for our toddler, but it seems like the only reason she's started having sex with me again is for this.

My affair partner chose to leave her husband anyway, she couldn't continue with him knowing how she had felt for me.  She is devastated at the break up of our affair, but has accepted my decision to stay.  She isn't trying to get me to change my mind or leave but she wants us to stay in contact for support for a while, to help her get herself together, through her divorce.  So far I've made the decisions about ending it, she wants to be granted making the decision for us to stay or cease contact.  And at the moment, more than in contact, she wants us to have some times together occasionally, back like we were.  

I've said I can't do this, I can't have the possibility of sex with her any more.  It's not the physical act of sex that's so important , but the intimacy that goes with it.  To still feel loved and important to someone.  She says that it's not for ever, and it's not going anywhere.  She's not a threat to my partner anymore, I've made my decision to stay.

I know I shouldn't even be in contact at all, but I can't just cast her adrift.  All the affair recovery sites (which are also annoyingly religious) talk about the "other woman" as if they are disposable, but these "other woman" are people as well .  She is totally devastated and going through a divorce that I have been a big factor in.  I want to help her, but the fact I had an affair at all shows I'm vulnerable to being in love with her.

Has anyone been the "other woman" in a similar situation?  What happened, what helped you?  Did your affair partner cut off all contact?  Was that the best thing for you?  Has anyone stayed in contact and managed to not resume the affair?  How did you manage this?  

[BaileyB]

35 minutes ago, Fubared said:

Did your affair partner cut off all contact?  Was that the best thing for you?

How does it help her to move on with her life if she continues to be in touch with you. The only piece of advice given by OW on this site is that the only way to actually move on from an affair is to go no contact. Period. Full stop. No contact. 

I get that you are trying to be the good guy here, but how about being the good guy for you wife? How is she going to feel when she learns that not only did you cheat on her, but you have also stayed in contact with your affair partner? How would you feel if your wife did the same? Would you believe her when she said, I was concerned about him, it was what he needed...

One more thought - only because we have seen this story play out on this board a million times before... What are you going to do when you have that second child your wife wants, and the sex dries up again (which you know it will)? Are you going to resume this affair? Are you going to have another? Are you going to decide that you are too young to stay in a sexless marriage for the rest of your life and divorce? And then - how’s that going to work when you have not one, but two children to support? Not saying that you shouldn’t have another child - children are a blessing! But, this relationship has some pretty big challenges and I’m simply suggesting, you may want to really think twice before you decide to bring another child into this world. Remember - your wife is making this decision without having the benefit of all the information. There are things that you know, that she does not. Would she make the same decision if she had all the information... 

Edited May 10, 2021 by BaileyB

[RebeccaR]

If you are supporting your XAP through her divorce, that still sounds like EA territory to me. Doesn’t she have any friends or family to give her support?

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

If you are supporting your XAP through her divorce, that still sounds like EA territory to me. Doesn’t she have any friends or family to give her support?

A counsellor would probably do a better job than an affair partner.

Edited May 10, 2021 by BaileyB

[Bittersweetie]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Remember - your wife is making this decision without having the benefit of all the information. There are things that you know, that she does not. Would she make the same decision if she had all the information... 

After my d-day, one of the things my husband told me he was most angry about was the fact that he made life decisions based on what he thought was his reality, and not on what was his actual reality. I took the truth of his life away from him when I had an affair.

I'm not saying you need to tell your partner what you did at this time. But you should recognize the fact that your partner is making a huge decision (a second child) without knowing all of the facts of her life and her relationship with you. Is that really fair to her and this possible unborn child? Maybe a second child should wait while you address these issues. 

[Stupidkupid]

1 hour ago, Fubared said:

 

Has anyone been the "other woman" in a similar situation?  What happened, what helped you?  Did your affair partner cut off all contact?  Was that the best thing for you?  Has anyone stayed in contact and managed to not resume the affair?  How did you manage this?  

I'm an ex-OW and have a couple of observations:

 

- You are still having an affair. Its an emotional one now, but it's an affair none the less.

- This is not healthy for either of you but will, long term, be particularly damaging for the OW. 

- The only way to properly end an affair and be true to your wife is to go no contact.

- When you tell the OW of this she may threaten to tell your wife, she may actually do it. If there is any possibility of it, you should tell your wife. Don't hold back. Tell her everything. If she still wants to be with you then so be it. Commit to her.

- Your wife wants a baby and that's why she wants sex. You will be stuck in the same cycle the minute she is pregnant. That does not excuse the affair nor is it s suggestion that your wife is to blame for it. But what I am saying is, is this the life you really want? If you bring another child into this, that is a second child into a dysfunctional marriage and potentially the divorce later on with be rougher on everyone and more expensive.

 

As an FYI, I cut contact with the MM in my situation. I ended things. On all of our previous attempts to end it, before I cut him off completely, we always found our way back to each other. it would start with general chats, the occasional I miss you would creep in then a coffee, then... boom. Back again.

[Fubared]

 

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

How does it help her to move on with her life if she continues to be in touch with you. The only piece of advice given by OW on this site is that the only way to actually move on from an affair is to go no contact. Period. Full stop. No contact. 

We've talked a lot about me making all the decisions so far, she has been *very* clear that this is what she believes is best for her.  It almost doesn't really matter what it is, the main thing for her is she gets to decide, to have some power back. The idea that I can discard her as if she was nothing, rather than try to support her like she has asked is the most devastating thing for her.

Quote

I get that you are trying to be the good guy here, but how about being the good guy for you wife? How is she going to feel when she learns that not only did you cheat on her, but you have also stayed in contact with your affair partner? How would you feel if your wife did the same? Would you believe her when she said, I was concerned about him, it was what he needed...

It involves more deception, lying.  Staying in touch basically continues the affair, emotionally if not physically.  But not for ever.  My APs attitude  is "my partner has me for the rest of her life, which shouldn't she have me for a bit longer. "

Quote

One more thought - only because we have seen this story play out on this board a million times before... What are you going to do when you have that second child your wife wants, and the sex dries up again (which you know it will)? Are you going to resume this affair? Are you going to have another? Are you going to decide that you are too young to stay in a sexless marriage for the rest of your life and divorce? And then - how’s that going to work when you have not one, but two children to support? Not saying that you shouldn’t have another child - children are a blessing! But, this relationship has some pretty big challenges and I’m simply suggesting, you may want to really think twice before you decide to bring another child into this world. Remember - your wife is making this decision without having the benefit of all the information. There are things that you know, that she does not. Would she make the same decision if she had all the information... 

Unsurprisingly I have commitment issues.  I'm not married to the mother of my child because I've been ambivalent.  "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" as the book title says, a constant dance of forwards and back. I've worn my partner down, I don't know if she even loves me any more but we've been together for 10 years and she's at an age where if she doesn't have another child now she never will.  After everything, I think the least I can do is give her the children she is desperate for.  I had to be pushed into having our first child, I wouldn't say yes or no to having him, and like all children he is hard work, but he is also awesome and I'd like him to have a sibling in life.  Maybe we would split up after having a 2nd child, but at least she would have them in her life.  Would she make the same decision with all the info?  Honestly I don't know but I know she would never regret having the 2nd child, no matter what happened after. 

My AP believes she has been sacrificed for my partners 2nd child.  If we had two children already, I would have chosen her.  My AP already has her two children, leaving her husband doesn't give her less family than she wants.

The only thing I can say for sure is I won't resume this affair because by then my AP will have long found someone that loves her like she deserves.

Writing the original post was also for me, to try and confess anonymously on the internet.  To put it out there what I have done and the pain I've caused.  But even here, anonymously I sanitised it to make myself look better.  This post is more accurate, to explain just quite how much I've messed up.

[Fubared]

1 hour ago, Stupidkupid said:

I'm an ex-OW and have a couple of observations:

 

- You are still having an affair. Its an emotional one now, but it's an affair none the less.

- This is not healthy for either of you but will, long term, be particularly damaging for the OW. 

- The only way to properly end an affair and be true to your wife is to go no contact.

- When you tell the OW of this she may threaten to tell your wife, she may actually do it. If there is any possibility of it, you should tell your wife. Don't hold back. Tell her everything. If she still wants to be with you then so be it. Commit to her.

- Your wife wants a baby and that's why she wants sex. You will be stuck in the same cycle the minute she is pregnant. That does not excuse the affair nor is it s suggestion that your wife is to blame for it. But what I am saying is, is this the life you really want? If you bring another child into this, that is a second child into a dysfunctional marriage and potentially the divorce later on with be rougher on everyone and more expensive.

 

As an FYI, I cut contact with the MM in my situation. I ended things. On all of our previous attempts to end it, before I cut him off completely, we always found our way back to each other. it would start with general chats, the occasional I miss you would creep in then a coffee, then... boom. Back again.

Thankyou for your reply and honesty.  You cut the contact, that gave you power and control which I hope helped you heal.   How would you have felt if you had been very clear you wanted contact still, but were "discarded", "cast aside" by your MM?  Would NC forced on you still have been the best thing for you?

I would agree to, and I would stick to no contact.  I'm struggling to be the person to force this.

About the second child, I've written more in a reply above.   Writing this stuff down has been good, when I read it back it sounds different to how it feels in my head.

[BaileyB]

51 minutes ago, Fubared said:

We've talked a lot about me making all the decisions so far, she has been *very* clear that this is what she believes is best for her.  It almost doesn't really matter what it is, the main thing for her is she gets to decide, to have some power back. The idea that I can discard her as if she was nothing, rather than try to support her like she has asked is the most devastating thing for her.

In other words, you affair partner’s needs are more important than your partner, the mother of your children. 

51 minutes ago, Fubared said:

Staying in touch basically continues the affair, emotionally if not physically.  But not for ever.  My APs attitude  is "my partner has me for the rest of her life, which shouldn't she have me for a bit longer. "

As has been said above, you have simply renegotiated the terms of your relationship. She is likely quite purposeful when she asks you to support her, it’s likely only a matter of time...

51 minutes ago, Fubared said:

Unsurprisingly I have commitment issues.  I'm not married to the mother of my child because I've been ambivalent.  "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" as the book title says, a constant dance of forwards and back. I've worn my partner down, I don't know if she even loves me any more but we've been together for 10 years and she's at an age where if she doesn't have another child now she never will.

Is this really a good reason, a good situation, into which you should bring another child into this world?

51 minutes ago, Fubared said:

Maybe we would split up after having a 2nd child, but at least she would have them in her life. 

I hate to be cynical, but you do realize that you will double your child support payment when you inevitably split. 

51 minutes ago, Fubared said:

The only thing I can say for sure is I won't resume this affair because by then my AP will have long found someone that loves her like she deserves.

How do you think she will do this when she is still involved with you? 

Edited May 10, 2021 by BaileyB

[RebeccaR]

44 minutes ago, Fubared said:

How would you have felt if you had been very clear you wanted contact still, but were "discarded", "cast aside" by your MM?  Would NC forced on you still have been the best thing for you?

I am not the poster you’re asking, but NC is the best thing for her and she will be thankful later if you go with this option. Staying in contact with you knowing you will never ever leave for her will be torture. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Fubared said:

she wants to be granted making the decision for us to stay or cease contact.  

Tough. She is not entitled to this. She forfeited that sort of power when she got involved with a taken man. 

2 hours ago, Fubared said:

My AP believes she has been sacrificed for my partners 2nd child. 

And, you know, your second child. You and she both speak about your partner like she's an external third party, and now you're talking about your future child that way too. 

This woman is a person with feelings, yes. But you know who else is, and whose well-being should be prioritized every time? Your partner's. If you are serious about ending this affair, you have to cut contact. Your OW is an adult, and will find a way to manage. She's trying to convince you otherwise, but it's really only because she didn't get her way when she left her partner and you did not. I am not saying you need to be a jerk to her, but you need to start caring a lot more about your partner's feelings. 

Slowly tapering off an affair is unrealistic, and you OW's request is foolish - for you and for her. 

[Wiseman2]

Your other woman has friends, family, therapists and attorneys for 'divorce support'. Unless she's paying you $250/hr., she's being dramatic or making excuses to keep going.

As far as your child's mother, she may be more receptive to you know that you are spending more time with her (rather than on the affair) and noticing you are helping her more with your child, things around the home and not as checked out/preoccupied.

[mark clemson]

I don't think there are always "right" answers, particularly in a situation like yours.

Have another kid with the partner you (by your own admission) really aren't that keen on? Emotionally support the OW who's no doubt feeling quite "needy" while divorcing but also finding that you didn't pick her?

It's your life. A few things to keep in mind:

An alcoholic always wants another drink. You might stick around for a while, but eventually it's only right to "wean her off you". Your continued presence probably gives her hope, extends the duration of her "limbo" which isn't particularly fair to her. And yes, a therapist might be better option, as has been alluded to.

Beware the possibility that your GF is informed. The OW may decide to in desperation, her husband may, if he found out, choose to tell her either in revenge or from his personal moral views (which conveniently align here) even though they're divorcing. Not good for your newly pregnant partner to find all this out, although if you weren't intimate for 2 full years, she might not be completely shocked.

No convenient "solutions" here, unfortunately. Only some choices to make.

Edited May 10, 2021 by mark clemson

[Allupinnit]

Wait, so you ended it but she convinced you not to, basically?  

Now you're being talked into a second kid?  

Come on man where is your integrity and backbone?  Despite what you think staying with EITHER of these women isn't doing them any favors.  How old is your girlfriend?

[Stupidkupid]

3 hours ago, Fubared said:

Thankyou for your reply and honesty.  You cut the contact, that gave you power and control which I hope helped you heal.   How would you have felt if you had been very clear you wanted contact still, but were "discarded", "cast aside" by your MM?  Would NC forced on you still have been the best thing for you?

I would agree to, and I would stick to no contact.  I'm struggling to be the person to force this.

About the second child, I've written more in a reply above.   Writing this stuff down has been good, when I read it back it sounds different to how it feels in my head.

I'm glad you're finding it helpful. People on here are not always sympathetic but they do usually try to offer a sound and solid set of advice.

No contact is always the right thing. Always. She doesn't get to have any control here as she is not your girlfriend/wife and, if I may, you don't owe her anything. Neither owes the other anything.

The only people you made a committment to are your girlfriend and child, you should honour that by either staying and fully engaging in the relationship or accepting that it is over and ending it before dragging another child into it. In reality, you also deserve better than to be used as a sperm machine.

You deserve love and affection but you should also come by that legitimately, not by having OW.

In respect of the NC. Either I had to do it, or he did. We tried the limited contact and always, ALWAYS, ended up a square one again. He accepted the NC, which was the right thing to do for both of us.

She is essentially keeping you in the affair by insisting on contact occasionally seeing you as she used to (what exactly would you call thus if not extending rhe affair?)

She will never move on if you don't insist on NC. And that is not healthly for her or for you.

She may tell your girlfriend. Thats a risk but you can't continue to pretend that its not still the affair. And you can't properly commit to your relationship if you are still in touch.

Although, I ask. You are not married and not happy, why continue down this road?

[Stupidkupid]

3 hours ago, Fubared said:

The only thing I can say for sure is I won't resume this affair because by then my AP will have long found someone that loves her like she deserves.

You probably will. It almost always works that way.

And she won't meet anyone serious because affairs are a strange thing. Because of the bubble you are in. The surrealness of it, everyone will get compared to you. In the midst of an affair, no one is as good as the affair partner (even though they are provabky 100 times better in reality) because of how unatainable it is.

So she won't meet anyone serious whilst she still entertains this.

Edited May 10, 2021 by Stupidkupid

[Allupinnit]

Yeah, women are seldom duplicitous when it comes to matters of the heart.  It takes a long time to fall out of love with someone who hurt you, in her case she has a LOT of healing to do between you and her ex husband.  And now the kids caught up in the middle of their family falling apart.  Broken hearts all around.

It's sad really, watching people try to plug that hole in their heart with one flawed human after another.  Thinking that lying and sneaking around are the shortcut to true happiness.

[denwickdroylsden]

WS here. AP was also married. On the heels of an ugly Dday I broke off all contact.  I basically threw her under the bus.  Nasty of me.  Conscience troubled me on so many levels, plus could not stop thinking about her so a year (?) later managed to establish contact again.  Reason was to apologize for what I did.  She got her chance to rip me a new one, well deserved.  For her it was an exit A. I still with my W.  Still think about AP sometimes even a decade later.  She deserved a whole lot better.  

[Stupidkupid]

1 hour ago, denwickdroylsden said:

WS here. AP was also married. On the heels of an ugly Dday I broke off all contact.  I basically threw her under the bus.  Nasty of me.  Conscience troubled me on so many levels, plus could not stop thinking about her so a year (?) later managed to establish contact again.  Reason was to apologize for what I did.  She got her chance to rip me a new one, well deserved.  For her it was an exit A. I still with my W.  Still think about AP sometimes even a decade later.  She deserved a whole lot better.  

@Scotgirl84 one for you to read here. This is from an x-MM. 

[Bittersweetie]

Okay OP, so what do you want? It seems a lot of what you want is more based on what you don't want to do (end affair, end relationship with partner, push back on having a second kid, etc). OP...you are a grown man. It may be time to put on your big boy pants and make some concrete choices. Yes, some choices are really hard and the consequences are difficult to get through but that is life. 

[Prudence V]

19 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

Wait, so you ended it but she convinced you not to, basically?  

Now you're being talked into a second kid?  

Come on man where is your integrity and backbone?  Despite what you think staying with EITHER of these women isn't doing them any favors.  How old is your girlfriend?

I suspect in 10 years time OP will still be here, wondering how he got to be so trapped, between his GF who hasn’t shagged him in 10 years, two kids who just want stuff off him all the time, an AP who has another set of demands... meanwhile OP just floats along on the current, swept along by whosever demands seem stronger at the time, exercising no agency in his own life, sinking into hopelessness and depression. 
 

OP, read these boards. They are full of stories like yours, but further down the line, with people wishing it wasn’t so but feeling trapped by all the commitments they couldn’t say no to at the time, thinking hey were taking the easy way out just going along with things... Right now, you have a choice. You can walk away from the AP and tell her it’s inappropriate for you to provide the support she wants. You can walk away from your sucky R with your uninterested GF and let her find another sperm (and $) donor for her next kid. You can spend some time with yourself, find out what it is *you* want, and parent your existing kid part-time but in a decent, invested way rather than the passive way you’re going about your life. 

[pepperbird2]

On 5/10/2021 at 2:22 PM, Fubared said:

Thankyou for your reply and honesty.  You cut the contact, that gave you power and control which I hope helped you heal.   How would you have felt if you had been very clear you wanted contact still, but were "discarded", "cast aside" by your MM?  Would NC forced on you still have been the best thing for you?

I would agree to, and I would stick to no contact.  I'm struggling to be the person to force this.

About the second child, I've written more in a reply above.   Writing this stuff down has been good, when I read it back it sounds different to how it feels in my head.

Please, please PLEASE wait before you have another baby. Don't bring a child into this mess. Sort your life out first.

[usa1ah]

There is never a reason to have an affair. You are so wrong for doing so. You need to let your wife know what you have done and give her the decision to stay married to you or not. 
 

why would you want to stay with your wife knowing things will go back to how they were if you have another child? Is that fair to your child you have now or a new one?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Encourage her to get counseling, and perhaps also enter a support group even if it's on Zoom (a group for people going through divorce might be a good one). Be sure to be consistent with you're message--be extremely mindful to not send her mixed messages. Be very clear in all your communications about your intentions, and repeat your unwaivering resolve so that you can help her not be confused or in a state of limbo.

Read up on the grief process. She may be in the 'bargaining' phase. You should also be aware of all the phases. When she gets angry, she likely will entertain revenge fantasies (like considering contacting your wife or outing or embarrassing you--the fantasies are pretty common for former OW and are part of the grieving process).

Be consistent, firm, but kind. Limit communication, keep any contact brief, never talk about the past or any fond memories. She might try to reminisce with you in an attempt to rekindle. 

Be mindful as you can without reengaging. Apologize to her for getting involved with her in the first place knowing it was unfair to all affected. Help her understand, if possible, why you are making your choices--try to reduce her feelings of rejection and inferiority.

[Camper]

Continued contact hurts everyone.

BW here. WH had affair of 2+ years with a woman who got divorced a year or so into the affair. He, too, is a "nice guy," a knight in shining armor who supported this damsel in distress through her divorce and resulting rift with her children (they want nothing to do with her). He told me when I first confronted on D-Day, and several times since, that he wants to stay with me, but that she would not go quietly. And she hasn't. 

Most of the residual contact is from her to him; his responses (to my knowledge) are mainly requests for her to stop sending messages. Problem is that he's a nice guy so his requests are kind of wimpy and weak. She is very clearly trying to rope him back in. It is eating me up inside that this continues to go on, and it is jeopardizing our recovery. 

Any continued contact with former AP does nothing other than give her hope you will go back to her. This is not fair to the mother of your kid(s). I repeat what has been said earlier, get this straightened out before you have more children.