Why would an ex you broke up with contact you months later?

May 19, 2021

25 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I honestly don’t know why, FMW. I wrote exactly what I told him about school, not wanting a bf in my point., and asked if he understood and he did. Did anything in how I explained it seem misleading? I don’t think so, but this is a common thing for me... I’ll say something and the person will just come up with an alt story Even when we were dating, and even before our meet, e.g. I said I didn’t want to go to the park, I’d be running late and he asked me why and he said bring clothes in case, and also let’s go for a bike ride around 3? So I’ve found that People respond better to my actions than words. & I also saw on his phone ( that was lying on his bed, open, that his friend asked him what he was doing and he said my ex is over bla bla, he also said we’re “together” a few times. He sent me a text messsage just recently, I’m gonna ignore it for a couple days, but I will get back. I feel weird I don’t want bad blood. He’s not perfect either. People just don’t listen to me. That includes friends and family too

Many people do this cookies, I have had boyfriends and ex's do this to me as well. And family - my brothers, one specifically which is why I don't talk to him much anymore, he brings me down. My other brothers are cool and always listen to me, which I appreciate!

Anyway, it's a certain arrogance imo, believing they know better and assuming things about you based on godonlyknows what. Some pre-conceived notions they have about women in general.

That was my very first thought when I read your post discussing this. That he was arrogant in dismissing what you were telling him and making all sorts of assumptions, even after you were straight up with hm.

It's not gender specific, both men and women do this in my experience.

I think you may have to tell him again, perhaps more assertively?

If he continues to pester, then block him like you did the last time, after your break up.

I just want to say though, that this cannot be unexpected, can it? I mean you must have known it was gonna open up a huge can of worms, no?

Which is why I don't ever think it's wise returning to an ex, even for just a ONS.

I'm glad you had fun though, and I am SURE he did too!

JMO, but I think he'll be fine.... just live your life and be happy.

Edited May 19, 2021 by poppyfields

May 19, 2021

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

I did figure out the answer to the title of my thread. Ty

Well initially you said:

On 5/10/2021 at 6:44 AM, Cookiesandough said:

I would love to be friends with him if it is possible.

Was that, in fact, what you had hoped for by unblocking him initially or was unblocking him just to satisfy an itch?

If it's the latter, it probably would have been more clear to say:

"Hi, I'm unblocking you because I wanted to know if you would like to get together for one last bonus night no strings attached. Are you up for it?"

That may help with this:

57 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

People just don’t listen to me. That includes friends and family too

May 19, 2021

3 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Speaking from the guy side of the equation, if an ex-girlfriend call me up and wanted sex (one last time) I'd red-line the sportbike to get there.

I can think of two occasions where that exact scenario happened to me, I knew it was just sex and I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

I'm sure your guy had a GREAT time. He will remember this and look back on the encounter with a smile on his face. I know I have a smile on my face, as I am typing this and thinking about "S' and "C"!!

Exactly.

May 19, 2021

It’s amazing to me that you see other people’s issues so clearly, yet you don’t see where you go wrong.

Having sex with someone who has feelings for you, when you know you don’t feel the same is selfish and cruel.
They’re not listening to your words because you’re in their bed.

YOU don’t want to have sex with strangers so you turn the guy’s world upside down because it’s convenient for you, and then you blame him for not “listening “.
You really need to make better choices.
Its not OK to treat people like this.

May 19, 2021

3 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

So I’ve found that People respond better to my actions than words. & I also saw on his phone ( that was lying on his bed, open, that his friend asked him what he was doing and he said my ex is over bla bla, he also said we’re “together” a few times.

The first bolded sentence is why people don't listen to what you say. Because your words and actions don't match up and actions speak louder than words. Most people know this. Don't pay attention to a person's words, pay attention to what they do.

The second bolded sentence is correct. You were together. How much more together can you get than being intimate in this way? Problem is that many people separate their minds from their bodies (compartmentalize) when having sex and it seems that's what you may have done. Whereas he was having sex as a whole person.

Even though he agreed to have NSA sex for some people it's not possible to do so. Some would say that's the healthier psyche.

19 minutes ago, jspice said:

It’s amazing to me that you see other people’s issues so clearly, yet you don’t see where you go wrong.

Having sex with someone who has feelings for you, when you know you don’t feel the same is selfish and cruel.
They’re not listening to your words because you’re in their bed.

YOU don’t want to have sex with strangers so you turn the guy’s world upside down because it’s convenient for you, and then you blame him for not “listening “.
You really need to make better choices.
Its not OK to treat people like this.

This.

I've been trying to be friends with an ex. I know he loves me. But, I've gotten involved with another man he doesn't know about. Although I'm not having any physical relationship with the ex at all, not even meeting up, just a few phone conversations, I've realized I can't even talk to him on the phone, even though I enjoy it, because it's feeding his fantasy that he can somehow get back with me. I have cut the R off because there is no way I'm going to be his gf again and he can't get that through his head when we're having conversations on the phone that mimic some of the ones we had when we dated. It's confusing for him, understandably.

Edited May 19, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

May 19, 2021

8 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

I honestly don’t know why, FMW. I wrote exactly what I told him about school, not wanting a bf in my point., and asked if he understood and he did. Did anything in how I explained it seem misleading? I don’t think so, but this is a common thing for me...

The problem here is that you lied to him: You old him that you're not wanting a boyfriend at this point because you're busy with school. So, he thinks that you may have time for him when you're less busy. But the truth is that you don't want HIM as a boyfriend because he's super annoying. You could have been honest and said that you don't like him much, but want sex because he's hot. But that wouldn't get you the sex you want, so you choose the selfish route and lied.

It's this type of behaviour which goes back to your exes thinking that you're 'the devil incarnate'

Edited May 19, 2021 by basil67

May 19, 2021

9 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

you broke up with

Just curious why you made this distinction? Just a bit of competition still happening as part of the on/off attraction?

Who dumped who? Who's winning?

May 19, 2021

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

The problem here is that you lied to him: You old him that you're not wanting a boyfriend at this point because you're busy with school. So, he thinks that you may have time for him when you're less busy. But the truth is that you don't want HIM as a boyfriend because he's super annoying. You could have been honest and said that you don't like him much, but want sex because he's hot. But that wouldn't get you the sex you want, so you choose the selfish route and lied.

It's this type of behaviour which goes back to your exes thinking that you're 'the devil incarnate'

So what do you suggest I do now. Was “I may want a relationship... just not with you ” really the nicer/correct thing to say? Like how is that going to benefit either of us? I told a white lie that accomplished the same goal..&I already did it. It’s over. I also wwrote him back today with a short response... should be fine. If it’s not , live and learn

May 19, 2021

10 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Many people do this cookies, I have had boyfriends and ex's do this to me as well. And family - my brothers, one specifically which is why I don't talk to him much anymore, he brings me down. My other brothers are cool and always listen to me, which I appreciate!

Anyway, it's a certain arrogance imo, believing they know better and assuming things about you based on godonlyknows what. Some pre-conceived notions they have about women in general.

That was my very first thought when I read your post discussing this. That he was arrogant in dismissing what you were telling him and making all sorts of assumptions, even after you were straight up with hm.

It's not gender specific, both men and women do this in my experience.

I think you may have to tell him again, perhaps more assertively?

If he continues to pester, then block him like you did the last time, after your break up.

I just want to say though, that this cannot be unexpected, can it? I mean you must have known it was gonna open up a huge can of worms, no?

Which is why I don't ever think it's wise returning to an ex, even for just a ONS.

I'm glad you had fun though, and I am SURE he did too!

JMO, but I think he'll be fine.... just live your life and be happy.

Thank you, poppy. I really appreciate that a lot. Yes it’s more of an issue with men, ime, but it’s a lot of people think my opinion is just extremely malleable. I’ve been noticing this more and more lately. It’s also men have been conditioned a bit to not take a woman’s words at face value. There’s another thread going where a woman told a man she didn’t not feel they “vibed” and he said this must be she likes him. So it’s not a stretch for the guy to think I like him if I hook up with him ... for literally 10 hours little to no breaks lol. But if anything it should just be a lesson to them to listen to what someone says.

I vaguely thought it could go wrong, but I guess no worse than when I left it. I also think it might be premature worry. Yes he’s shown some signs, but for all I know it’s just words and just a ONS for him too. I’m not gonna worry too much at this point. We both had a great time and he said he hadn’t had that much fun in a long time

May 19, 2021

21 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

So what do you suggest I do now. Was “I may want a relationship... just not with you ” really the nicer/correct thing to say? Like how is that going to benefit either of us? I told a white lie that accomplished the same goal..&I already did it. It’s over. I also wwrote him back today with a short response... should be fine. If it’s not , live and learn

"I want a relationship, but not with you" would have been much better. Certainly not nice, but It would have better in that it would have given him exactly the information he needed to stop him thinking that he had a chance with you. And don't pretend that your words were a white lie - they were a deliberate deception so that you could get your physical needs met....because being honest would have left you high and dry.

I hope you do learn, but short of getting the therapy to learn how your actions and words affect others, I'm not sure it will happen.

Edited May 19, 2021 by basil67

May 19, 2021

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Just curious why you made this distinction? Just a bit of competition still happening as part of the on/off attraction?

Who dumped who? Who's winning?

Mmm I dunno what you mean winning. It’s not like a win/lose for me at this point. I honestly just wanted to have a good time and one more roll in the hay w them like happy lemmings girl. I’m in a phase in my life.

I broke up with him late last summer, because I was/still in that phase. I told him last night commitment is like kryptonite for me at the moments. That goes for any commitments.. even ones to hookup. But I did see an opportunity and I seized it. I imagine the same on his part? So we both win.

I shared that because I thought it was pertinent context to answer the question why an ex would reach out .. most of the questions in this forum are from dumpees... and I know why dumpers would reach out.. I’ve done it

But the context in this case was we broke up bc I needed to be single, then there was a brief period we were back, then I was a coward and ghosted him.. & he got hurt/angry with, which I understand, and needed to apologize to him about... he also said I need to apologize at some point to his friends and his mom and dad bc they saw him go through it. And I do feel bad about it... but I can’t do anything else but say sorry and try to fix things so we can be cool again. I want to get to the point I can see him out and he has fond memories /opinion of me

May 19, 2021

53 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I told him last night commitment is like kryptonite for me at the moments.

OMG!! You are the female version of me.

I did have this kind of FWB thing with another ex-girlfriend. We both "caught feelings" for each other after a couple of months of our FWB relationship and started dating again. I was kind of hoping that was going to happen with you and your ex-boyfriend.

May 19, 2021

Given your history with this guy and the fact that you told him you weren't interested in a relationship right now, there's no way he should be thinking you're back together.

But, it seems apparent that he's ignoring all of that and interpreting being back in touch and hooking up as meaning the relationship is back on. You referenced all the stories on this forum from dumpees, so you know that they can be a little delusional and gain hope from the smallest of things.

Regardless of your intentions, you know he's interpreting everything very differently than you see it, even if it's not reasonable. I understand you don't want to hook up with strangers, but there is a lot of middle ground between a stranger and someone you now know still wants a full on relationship with you. Explore that middle ground. If all you want/need is sexual release, you can have it with someone you think is hot who likes you and is attracted to you, but isn't wanting more. Focus on trying to meet those guys. The dynamic will be different than being with someone who you know is really crushing on you, but it's a more fair and drama-free option.

May 19, 2021

21 minutes ago, FMW said:

Given your history with this guy and the fact that you told him you weren't interested in a relationship right now, there's no way he should be thinking you're back together.

But, it seems apparent that he's ignoring all of that and interpreting being back in touch and hooking up as meaning the relationship is back on. You referenced all the stories on this forum from dumpees, so you know that they can be a little delusional and gain hope from the smallest of things.

Regardless of your intentions, you know he's interpreting everything very differently than you see it, even if it's not reasonable. I understand you don't want to hook up with strangers, but there is a lot of middle ground between a stranger and someone you now know still wants a full on relationship with you. Explore that middle ground. If all you want/need is sexual release, you can have it with someone you think is hot who likes you and is attracted to you, but isn't wanting more. Focus on trying to meet those guys. The dynamic will be different than being with someone who you know is really crushing on you, but it's a more fair and drama-free option.

Yea.., you’re selling a dream, though. Where do you find all these these “hot guys” not wanting more exactly?

hot guys with substance at my age generally aren’t looking for hookups. They get enough p thrown at them.. they’re looking for a chick to have on their arm, cook for them, have cozy nights in, share problems with, go to functions with... they don’t want hookups only. They have reputations to uphold and they know trolling for sex isn’t going to do that. I know it too because I’ve only dating 4 guys and I’m still being judged. & It is drama when you date these guys casually. . That’s exactly what happened with my 2nd ex. We met on Tinder. I said I wanted casual and couldn’t shake the dude off and when I broke up with him for his friend I liked more he dragged me around town .
That’s why he said “that’s the only problem people have with you. You move onto the next with no downtime? “OK you know what I have to say to that.. it’s really none of their cot dam business how I’m feeling emotionally... I didn’t lie to them and I didn’t cheat. They just don’t listen.. ridiculous.

Guys who want hookups only are what you see on adult friend finder ... go look

I guess if I fired up a saying app and really looked, not really looking for that enough to put in any real effort to find it anyways. Itch has been scratched and I’m good for now. Still got that afterglow

& no lemming ... lol... that would never happen with us, unfortunately. His personality too grating at best

Edited May 19, 2021 by Cookiesandough

May 19, 2021

Although I’m not really in need I might sleep with him again ... maybe. Like depending if he’s down for it and how he acts in the forth coming days. That will show if he’s cool or not... but I won’t be pressured again. Going into relationships I’m not emotionally into or want to participate in just because it’s good on paper or they pressured me/I felt bad has only lead to misery . Never happiness

Edited May 19, 2021 by Cookiesandough

May 19, 2021

38 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

hot guys with substance at my age generally aren’t looking for hookups.

Isn't it, though, a two-edged sword?

If a woman comes over to his home, has sex with him, and then leaves quietly in the morning, with the click of a phone button.

Dating has been too much of a challenge for them, so they prefer to stay put and take what they can get.

So a guy that is looking for a long-term relationship may not go for the low-hanging fruit.

May 19, 2021

Generally speaking, ya I think that’s true... people who you call up and come over for sex with no strings attached or even know the person emotionally/mentally are generally not even great hookup options in my opinion. It’s extremely thirsty. You get more worth with more effort.Even I need to know the person well to want to do anything like that.

But I think why a lot of people bend the truth... often indiscernible from people telling the truth. I said it before it’s why I would never go on a date and tell a guy I’m just looking for casual even if I was and smart guys will do the same. You’re chopping off a good portion of your opinions including the ‘maybes’ Not a smart move

Edited May 19, 2021 by Cookiesandough

May 19, 2021

Ok, I get what you're saying. Then you'll probably just have to grow a thick skin and realize the fallout from your hookups with people who want more from you isn't going to be pleasant. You've seen it enough times now. Stop being surprised and learn to take it in stride.

May 19, 2021

Cookie, it seems to me you write on LS about people as if they're paper plates, paper cups and plastic tableware to be used at a picnic and thrown in the garbage...or left on the picnic table as you get in your car to leave the park...

I wonder if you don't see yourself this way, too...not asking you to answer that and hoping you don't try to. Because it bears a need for a long period of introspection guided by someone with experience in working with those who want to progress.

May 19, 2021

Never said that I felt that way about ppl at all and I don’t, livingwater.. if that what you infer from my posts, I’m sorry to hear it, but it’s not the case. Based on things I’ve seen you write, you surely put a lot more emphasis on certain moral requirements for sex than I do, but you seem to be very religious so that makes sense

Edited May 19, 2021 by Cookiesandough

May 19, 2021

17 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Never said that I felt that way about ppl at all and I don’t, livingwater.. if that what you infer from my posts, I’m sorry to hear it, but it’s not the case. Based on things I’ve seen you write, you surely put a lot more emphasis on certain moral requirements for sex than I do, but you seem to be very religious so that makes sense

It's not what you say. It's what you write that you do.

It's possible you're out of touch by how people view your actions as they relate to your treatment of others. I write this based on the view you write that your exes have of you as it relates to the actions and activities you post about doing.

I'm not a religious person, by the way. However, that is beside the point and not what I based my post to you on.

Edited May 19, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

May 19, 2021

2 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Generally speaking, ya I think that’s true... people who you call up and come over for sex with no strings attached or even know the person emotionally/mentally are generally not even great hookup options in my opinion. It’s extremely thirsty. You get more worth with more effort.Even I need to know the person well to want to do anything like that.

But I think why a lot of people bend the truth... often indiscernible from people telling the truth. I said it before it’s why I would never go on a date and tell a guy I’m just looking for casual even if I was and smart guys will do the same. You’re chopping off a good portion of your opinions including the ‘maybes’ Not a smart move

I'm not following your logic.

This thread began with you wanting to be on friendly terms with your ex but you seem to have a low opinion of him more so than anything else.

May 19, 2021

50 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I'm not following your logic.

This thread began with you wanting to be on friendly terms with your ex but you seem to have a low opinion of him more so than anything else.

But I really don’t have that low of an opinion of him. He’s a quality guy, he doesn’t just jump in bed with any woman. I know for a fact of several women he turned down. he has standards, also I like him generally as a person, there are just things I don’t think would make a good partner .., He’s intelligent and actually reads physical books..He’s a good artist. He can carry a conversation with me somewhat. He I just don’t feel an emotional connection to him that much anymore.. I don’t feel sparks or butterflies ,, He makes decent money, but not ambitious enough/educated enough ( my parents would never approve of him, could never bring him around them ). He doesn’t and has never actually respected my need to have my own time and goals even though he says he does. Like he said he wants me to succeed in school, but also wants me to spend a ton of time doing things with him/his things( but that’s just a relationship thing) His personality annoys me a lot sometimes ..and above all, I am not in a place where I can make any commitments right now unless maybe I was blown away. But I haven’t even been looking/dating now. And it wouldn’t be with an ex. If I was blown away by an ex, we wouldn’t be exes. There is much more why he isn’t relationship material for me, even though he’s a cool guy overall and would be wonderful for someone else.

1 hour ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

It's not what you say. It's what you write that you do.

It's possible you're out of touch by how people view your actions as they relate to your treatment of others. I write this based on the view you write that your exes have of you as it relates to the actions and activities you post about doing.

I'm not a religious person, by the way. However, that is beside the point and not what I based my post to you on.

Not possible, I am aware and try to control damage which is why I told him I didn’t want to be in a relationship. I wanted fun and casual. And he repeated it back to me and said it was okay. And just an hour ago, he text me if he can see me and my dog at a dog bar/park before I leave on my trip next Monday. Cue my ghosting. That’s it. I’m try to do the right thing but I’m not a perfect person and I can only be so nice /polite. After telling someone point blank, my patience runs thin, and don’t feel I ought to bend over backwards to make sure everyone’s happy.

Sorry I assumed you were religious with the name ‘living water’ and because I’ve seen you write that having sex outside of a relationship is fundamentally wrong, despite it bringing a lot of people happiness. I stand corrected :s

Edited May 19, 2021 by Cookiesandough

May 19, 2021

20 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Not possible, I am aware and try to control damage which is why I told him I didn’t want to be in a relationship. I wanted fun and casual. And he repeated it back to me and said it was okay. And just an hour ago, he text me if he can see me and my dog at a dog bar/park before I leave on my trip next Monday. Cue my ghosting.

Yes... I really don't understand some guys. I mean I've had FWB's who made certain rules and I followed the rules. I dated one married woman that had a specific set of rules and I had no problem with those rules. I never pushed myself on anyone or begged for more than the woman wanted to offer.

If an ex-girlfriend wanted one last "roll in the hay" then that is what it was. If she decided she wanted a repeat performance, and I wasn't dating someone else (during that time) then I'd be there in a heartbeat, but I never pushed. If she called that was fine but I never pushed the issue with NSA sex or FWB's.

I seemed to have better luck if I just did my own thing and let the woman decide when she wanted to get together.

May 20, 2021

9 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

But I really don’t have that low of an opinion of him. He’s a quality guy, he doesn’t just jump in bed with any woman. I know for a fact of several women he turned down. he has standards, also I like him generally as a person, there are just things I don’t think would make a good partner .

Sorry I assumed you were religious with the name ‘living water’ and because I’ve seen you write that having sex outside of a relationship is fundamentally wrong, despite it bringing a lot of people happiness. I stand corrected :s

Well, I really should have qualified my post, Cookies. I came back to edit it but it was too late to do so and also I didn't want to t/j so didn't make another post about it. So, I'll try to make this short, out of courtesy to your assumption. I am a spiritual person and follower of Jesus Christ (that is to say I am fascinated with Him, His Life and His writings). But I have become disenchanted with organized religion which I consider to at times be religiosity, in that it seems institutional in some cases and often hierarchical (but not always, just too often) and has many times seemed to me to have little to do with a relationship with the Man, Jesus Christ. In that sense, I don't consider myself to be religious, IOW, not given to the organization of spirituality that is referred to as religion. That's enough said about that for this thread.

The issue I was interested in challenging you with wasn't your sexuality or morality in relation to sex per se. I don't believe I'm going to be able to accomplish what I aimed to do here at this point so am glad to bow out on that endeavor.

To me, I don't know this guy you write about and do wish him to be treated well; however, you are the one I'm interacting with and my concern is not to judge or criticize you for your behavior, but rather to nudge you along on your journey of growth.

Edited May 20, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

Sign In

Why would an ex you broke up with contact you months later?

Recommended Posts

poppyfields

Alpacalia

Highndry

jspice

LivingWaterPlease

basil67

Wiseman2

Miss Spider

Miss Spider

basil67

Miss Spider

Happy Lemming

FMW

Miss Spider

Miss Spider

Alpacalia

Miss Spider

FMW

LivingWaterPlease

Miss Spider

LivingWaterPlease

Alpacalia

Miss Spider

Happy Lemming

LivingWaterPlease

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...