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Hi everyone 

So I need a little bit of advice, I’m in a friends with benefits relationship at the moment. We both have said we don’t want commitment.

However I think my feelings are growing for this guy and although I don’t want a commitment from him I also don’t like the idea that he sleeps with other women.

 I also get mixed signals from him, I get a hint of jealousy when I sleep with someone else but he denies it.

He seems to push me away then come closer then moves away so he blows hot and cold.

He is a great guy and ticks all the boxes for something strong in the future but I don’t know how to get there or find mutual ground.

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You need to decide if you want to date the man or have sex with the man. Your post is very contradictory. 

29 minutes ago, Cazzy said:

So I need a little bit of advice, I’m in a friends with benefits relationship at the moment. We both have said we don’t want commitment.

However I think my feelings are growing for this guy and although I don’t want a commitment from him I also don’t like the idea that he sleeps with other women.

 I also get mixed signals from him, I get a hint of jealousy when I sleep with someone else but he denies it.

He seems to push me away then come closer then moves away so he blows hot and cold.

He is a great guy and ticks all the boxes for something strong in the future but I don’t know how to get there or find mutual ground.

You say that you don’t want commitment but then everything else you say is - I want to date this man and I don’t know how to get there...

So which is it - are you both going to continue sleeping with other people or are you going to take the risk and date each other? 

That’s my advice - make a decision about what you want and then talk to the man. If you both want to continue having sex with other people, let the rest of this go. If you decide you want to date each other, it’s time to stop having sex with other people. Simple, right? ;)

Edited by BaileyB
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Be honest with him and with yourself.  "We don't want commitment" is no longer a true statement.  So stop saying that.  It's time to have a talk with him and find out if he's interested in actually dating properly.  If he's not, then walk away from this because it will only end in disaster.

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6 minutes ago, Cazzy said:

He is a great guy and ticks all the boxes for something strong in the future but I don’t know how to get there or find mutual ground.

Its unlikely to happen as you you have entered into a FWB arrangement.
FWB is not a stepping stone into a relationship. It is usually a dead end.
Men who see you as a FWB, will not see you as relationship material.
 He is FWBs with you as he does not see you as anything else than a convenient woman to have sex with.
Had he seen you as more than casual, he would be trying to make you his gf.
Never get attached or too invested in a FWB, the person that cares usually gets hurt..
 

14 minutes ago, Cazzy said:

, I get a hint of jealousy when I sleep with someone else but he denies it.

Jealousy is NOT an indication of caring.
Many men, even FWBs, do not want the woman they are sleeping with to be seeing other men. 
They want to sleep around, they want her to be only sleeping with them.
It is not about caring, it is about a distaste for "sloppy seconds"...

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3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Jealousy is NOT an indication of caring.
Many men, even FWBs, do not want the woman they are sleeping with to be seeing other men. 
They want to sleep around, they want her to be only sleeping with them.

Also my thought. 

I hope you are both being safe OP.
FWB is not a problem in theory for me. But FWB who are sleeping with other people would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. 

Edited by BaileyB
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29 minutes ago, Cazzy said:

I don’t want a commitment from him I also don’t like the idea that he sleeps with other women.

* * * 

He is a great guy and ticks all the boxes for something strong in the future but I don’t know how to get there or find mutual ground.

Why are you so afraid of commitment?  You have to answer that before the rest will make any sense. 

When you started this FWB were you afraid that was the only way you could get a guy?   Do you think you are too busy?  Do you have FOMO?  What does "something strong in the future" mean?  How far into the future -- next week?  Next year?  10 years from now?  

Because you get jealous when he's with other women & you detect jealousy from him when you are with other men, you both want at least exclusivity from each other.  You can be exclusive without committing to marriage.  

What you can't do is carry on the way you are, wanting more but being afraid to speak up.  

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Why don't you talk with him and address what you want? 

Bear in mind, he sounds skittish, emotionally unavailable and seems to be mirroring what you used to be.

You have changed and are emotionally invested, seeing something deeper in this situation than what it is. There is a very good likelihood he's in no shape at all for an exclusive relationship or there are things about you that he finds uneasy/not comfortable with. Brace yourself for a mismatch or incompatibility there. 

If you don't find this working for you anymore, walk away. Date someone else who wants the same things you do.

 

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Thanks everyone 

I guess the fact is I am afraid of committing because I don’t want to get hurt. Then at the same time I don’t want to walk away as I am afraid of being alone.

He is a great guy probably one of the few that I have come across so I guess I am just going along with what I have for fear of losing him from my life.

 I have probably always chosen the wrong type of guys so when I came across him and we had a connection I wanted to keep him.

In the beginning we started out heading towards a relationship and then he said he was not ready that’s why we became FWB and then a little late on I realize that I didn’t want to commit to him either.

It seems to be a confusing situation.

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Sun Seeker
4 hours ago, Cazzy said:

Thanks everyone 

I guess the fact is I am afraid of committing because I don’t want to get hurt. Then at the same time I don’t want to walk away as I am afraid of being alone.

He is a great guy probably one of the few that I have come across so I guess I am just going along with what I have for fear of losing him from my life.

 I have probably always chosen the wrong type of guys so when I came across him and we had a connection I wanted to keep him.

In the beginning we started out heading towards a relationship and then he said he was not ready that’s why we became FWB and then a little late on I realize that I didn’t want to commit to him either.

It seems to be a confusing situation.

There's really nothing confusing about it. @elaine567 hit the nail on the head with her post.

Him not being ready for a relationship meant he didn't want one with YOU, so relegated you to just a FWB. Due to your own insecurities and fear you played along, which you now realise was a mistake.

As mentioned his 'jealousy' is only because us men don't like anyone else having access to the same meaow that we have access to. Not because he feels anything more for you.

I've been in a number of FWB situations and they always ended bad, for the woman. I never ever upgraded someone from FWB to be my GF, and thats what they all wanted.

The only way it ever worked out well for the women I was seeing, was when they decided to put an end to it. That's what you need to do. End things.

Focus and work on yourself so that you are comfortable and happy being alone. That way when a new man comes along, you won't settle for being a FWB out of fear.

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Blind-Sided
22 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Jealousy is NOT an indication of caring.
Many men, even FWBs, do not want the woman they are sleeping with to be seeing other men. 
They want to sleep around, they want her to be only sleeping with them.
It is not about caring, it is about a distaste for "sloppy seconds"...

Yep... this.

FWB hardly ever works out, because someone will build feelings.  AND... from my experience (personal and reading here, and other friends) it's normally the girl.   I've only had the FWB thing a few times in my life, and in one case... my cousin (it was her friend) had to step in because this girl kind of got crazy when I told her I wasn't interested in her as a GF.  Truth be told... the majority of the time... from the guy's side... the girl isn't anyone who I would ever want to actually date, and spend time with. But she is pretty enough to turn me on.  

So... OP... just break it off, and find a real relationship.  As long as you have a FWB situation... you won't put out the effort to find a real connection with someone. (A real problem I see here with several members) Not to mention... if you are "Sleeping Around"... how do you think guys will see you? 

Edited by Blind-Sided
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Yes, this is why a FWB situation rarely works out.  Now you have feelings for him and it is hard to 'undo history' and make it a committed relationship.   Tell him what you want, if his response is anything but 'great - I feel the same' then you are likely over with him.  I personally never pulled off a successful FWB relationship for just this reason and would no longer seek one out.  You may find different, but honestly I seriously doubt it (que up people that claim they were able to do it - but you will find most can't over time and feelings get hurt). 

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7 hours ago, Cazzy said:

I guess the fact is I am afraid of committing because I don’t want to get hurt. Then at the same time I don’t want to walk away as I am afraid of being alone.

Sorry this is happening. The surest route to keep getting hurt is to enter nebulous situationships like FWB, etc. 

Speak up. Tell him you want to date exclusively and be GF/BF.

Don't cower and allow weird confusing situations to further your pain and isolation. You can be quite  "alone" in a FWB deal.

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A woman accepting FWB from a man she’s interested in dating is the equivalent of a man accepting the “friend zone” from a woman he’s interested in dating. 
 

And it’s harmful for a number of reasons:

1. Keeps you in limbo “hoping” that you’ll be “upgraded”. Which means you’re not open to the possibilities from men that might actually be interested in dating you.

2. You have to lie. Telling someone you just want to be FWB when really you want more is manipulative (even if it doesn’t feel that way). And that’s not good for ones self-esteem.

 

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dramafreezone
On 5/10/2021 at 11:10 PM, Cazzy said:

Hi everyone 

So I need a little bit of advice, I’m in a friends with benefits relationship at the moment. We both have said we don’t want commitment.

However I think my feelings are growing for this guy and although I don’t want a commitment from him I also don’t like the idea that he sleeps with other women.

 I also get mixed signals from him, I get a hint of jealousy when I sleep with someone else but he denies it.

He seems to push me away then come closer then moves away so he blows hot and cold.

He is a great guy and ticks all the boxes for something strong in the future but I don’t know how to get there or find mutual ground.

You should end the arrangement.  You can't handle it.

[] He was clear about what he wanted, didn't lie, didn't deceive you.  

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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On 5/11/2021 at 1:28 AM, Cazzy said:

I guess the fact is I am afraid of committing because I don’t want to get hurt. Then at the same time I don’t want to walk away as I am afraid of being alone.

Love is a risk.  You can't experience it fully unless you are willing to risk being hurt. 

You can't continue this FWB situation because you have developed feelings .  You have to come clean & ask him if he's willing to try.  I was able to convert a FWB into a 10 year LTR & we lived together.  It was rocky at first. There was drama, tears & some yelling but all of that passion boiled down to we wanted to try.  

You can't go on selling yourself short by accepting crumbs.  

It can be hard to be alone but you don't have to be lonely.  Love yourself enough to be OK with solitude & reflection.  It will make you stronger because you will finally be true to yourself, holding out for a solid loving relationship rather than just hollow empty sex. 

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On 5/11/2021 at 12:28 AM, Cazzy said:

Thanks everyone 

I guess the fact is I am afraid of committing because I don’t want to get hurt. Then at the same time I don’t want to walk away as I am afraid of being alone.

He is a great guy probably one of the few that I have come across so I guess I am just going along with what I have for fear of losing him from my life.

 I have probably always chosen the wrong type of guys so when I came across him and we had a connection I wanted to keep him.

In the beginning we started out heading towards a relationship and then he said he was not ready that’s why we became FWB and then a little late on I realize that I didn’t want to commit to him either.

It seems to be a confusing situation.

This sounds like a situation where you began dating, he didn't want to get more serious with you, but he kept you around for sex. That is tough to hear but the likely truth. Men often keep women they used to date around for sex. 

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Cookiesandough

I think I might want one of these rn but honestly can’t find any viable options for it.

 

How long have you two been fwb? Idk, just based on my own feelings, I would choose an FwB based on qualities that would never see them as a potential love interest.
 

A potential love interest we move slow, we connect  each other on a deep level, and then we become intimate and it deepens the bond. 
 

A fwb is just hot enough and good in bed for that itch you want to scratch. You don’t want to share much with them because of the sordid nature of your rship. Lol. But also being nice to each other bc you’re not ***holes. 
 

JMO

Edited by Cookiesandough
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FWB requires that both people be very clear up front - both with each other and with themselves - about what they want. 

In my one and only experience with it I just needed time before being ready for a real relationship, and his life was complicated with a chronically ill ex-wife and college aged daughters who were all very dependent on him financially and emotionally.  There was very little danger of either of us wanting more from the other.  We agreed to be sexually exclusive, and since we actually were friends beforehand we trusted each other.  It lasted for a year and we communicated clearly with each other the entire time so there were no misunderstandings.  It was a positive experience for both of us.  My understanding is that's probably not the norm.

I think it's normal to feel a twinge of jealousy here and there about someone you're intimately involved with, that's manageable.  But if you are wanting more from the relationship and the other person doesn't, it's not going to work.   

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