Hoping to get back together but still not seeing a future with him because he has done things that make me upset and only has high school degree which I don't like and my family neither

May 7, 2021

Hi guys!

Nearly 3 months ago my ex boyfriend dumped me after 2 years because of trust issues. Btw LDR but we met every two months and we used to stay together for 1 month. He used something as an excuse pretending I lied to him. He left me on the wrost time of my life, I was having a lot of exams, a family member of me was passing away and I had problems with my health as well and I wasn't finding the courage to go to the doctor because I am afraid of the results (anyways that is another topic)

2 weeks after he dumped me he tried to contact me being nostalgic about a memory of us but I cut it short. His mother texted me giving signs that we could get back together, like "He might not be serious about the break up (acting like she didn't know at first), or sending a quote about not being mad, or telling "I hope you don't mind I am texting you but I really appreciate you and we don't know what might happen in the future". So I told her politely that I don't see any reason to keep in touch because we are not getting back together. On the next day my ex tried to contact me again but I cut it short again. One day when we would have our anniversary he posted stories about me and I ignored them. Then he was posting stories constantly of the pet he got and he knows I love them. One day his mother sent me a picture of his pet (after I told her I don't see a reason to talk).

The thing is I really want to move on, but I do miss him, there are many days I find myself crying so hard like it was the first week. I know I have pushed him away because I talked cold when he tried to contact but I really would want him to fight harder as I have always done. He can't win me back with breadcrumbs. But I am also very confused. On one side I miss him and I have that silly hope to be with him, on the other there are a lot of red flags I don't see a bright future with him and he didn't treat me right many times

Btw when we were in a RLP we had an argument about a girl with provocative pictures he liked and told me she was his friend than she was an aquantance, then lesbian. Basically I think he was lying. We had a fight because I wasn't feeling ok with that. Then he stopped liking her provocatice pictures. After some months I found out he still liked her pictures but not provocative ones (which is fine, but he wouldn't react the same if I was in his place. I mean the excuse for break up was 100 times less than that and he still made it a big deal), so I told him while joking "You can't let her, you sre just stuck" so he removed her from his instagram. Today I reactivated my instagram and I don't know why I did this stupid thing and opened her profile, finding out he had followed her again and liked her pictures which means he was interested in her. Because I have removed people too because of his trust issues (which I know is wrong) but never thought of having them back after the break up, it didn't even come to my mind.
So I don't know what to do to forget him and move on and stop thinking he will try what it takes to be with me. Furthermore I don't like this recent situation at all and the fact that he might have slept with someone during this time.

I really need to forget him and stop hoping, but I can't get him out of my mind for even a second. I have a really busy day, university, work and still there is not a moment I don't think about him or miss him because I truly loved him and he was my first boyfriend. I think I am going crazy. What should I do?

Edited May 7, 2021 by gaziana1

May 7, 2021

Btw I forgot to mention. He borrowed me some money and told me I will give it this month, I will next month and I told him all the time "It ok, I don't need it now, I need it the second week of march." He left me on february and he told me many times that he was feeling bad about the money he owned me but he would do his best to give it on the end of march. March came, then april and he never mentioned that even though he was sending bullsh** to contact with me. And that is something else I don't appreciate at people, not being correct. Well I told me when we broke up I didn't need that anymore because I had done it with all my heart but he still said that he would give me back. (he was jobless btw for many months, started 2 months another job and left it again and told when he left me that it was my fault he wasn't started a job because he was depressed because of me) And if I were him, I would have given my girlfriend the money back on time even though she told me that she didn't need that anymore.
I really don't care about the money, not that I am rich, I am a student above all and my family doesn't know about it and they are also in difficulties, which he knew very well, but I care for the action only. Just to value the fact that I helped him twice when he needed it even though I didn't have much, and when I needed it he turned the back as it seems

May 7, 2021

I can see why you are feeling torn about this. He has dumped you once so how can you trust him? It's not as though whatever he dumped you for was your fault.

With regard to the money, although I would have made it a priority to pay it back, he may well have taken your 'do not need it any more' as letting him off the hook. However, he didn't meet his obligations to you earlier so once again that eroded your trust.

Liking the girl online and then continuing to like her once you were split up is stupid on his part. It also made you lose trust in him.

It is awful to be in a position where you really want to be with somebody but do not feel you can trust them completely or that you feel they are not right for you. Your heart is pulling one way and reason is pulling another.

This guy should have realised that the money was important to you if you were not well off. Once he was in a position to pay it back, he should have done so - especially if you were split up at the time. I think you are seeing major problems with this guy's character that do not bode well if you want someone you can rely on for the future. Financial and emotional security are important, no doubt about it. You can decide you don't want to rekindle a relationship with someone who has already shown you warning signs about how he is.

By the way, I don't think the high school degree is the issue; it's more about his character than level of education. Plenty of people with high school degrees go on to do really well in their chosen career.

Edited May 7, 2021 by spiderowl

May 7, 2021

5 hours ago, spiderowl said:

I can see why you are feeling torn about this. He has dumped you once so how can you trust him? It's not as though whatever he dumped you for was your fault.

With regard to the money, although I would have made it a priority to pay it back, he may well have taken your 'do not need it any more' as letting him off the hook. However, he didn't meet his obligations to you earlier so once again that eroded your trust.

Liking the girl online and then continuing to like her once you were split up is stupid on his part. It also made you lose trust in him.

It is awful to be in a position where you really want to be with somebody but do not feel you can trust them completely or that you feel they are not right for you. Your heart is pulling one way and reason is pulling another.

This guy should have realised that the money was important to you if you were not well off. Once he was in a position to pay it back, he should have done so - especially if you were split up at the time. I think you are seeing major problems with this guy's character that do not bode well if you want someone you can rely on for the future. Financial and emotional security are important, no doubt about it. You can decide you don't want to rekindle a relationship with someone who has already shown you warning signs about how he is.

By the way, I don't think the high school degree is the issue; it's more about his character than level of education. Plenty of people with high school degrees go on to do really well in their chosen career.

Actually I thought to seek professional help but I don't have enough money.
My parents don't know about this relationship, as I mentioned there were many red flags and it was somehow abusive.
They knew he was my friend, then I told them I liked him and I will start dating him 1 month before the breakup.
So it is weired when my mother asks me if I have talked to him. I am visiting them in some weeks and I am feeling already down to walk on the streets I used to walk with him, go on places I went with him, go to the beach and remind the time I was there with him.
Basically I feel already overwhelmed.
Furthermore as I said I can't get him out of my mind even if I want to.
I was doing fine and was getting used to the idea that we were not going to be together until I found out that his mother has texted me because he was regretting the breakup, the fact that he texted me and that he posted stories with quotes about me, or trying to catch my attention with his new pet. These made me confused and hoping deep inside.
I have told him even when we were together: "My heart says be with him, but my mind says what are you doing with him" That is exactly the situation I am in. A struggle between heart and reason. When I miss him and hope to be with him, I remind myself everything he has done or said, but most of the times it doesn't help. I might feel better for some time, but after some minutes I miss him again.

I don't want to want him anymore or miss him or love him anymore, but I just can't and don't know what to do. They say times heals everything, but it doesn't look like it is doing much healing. At some points it is making it even worse

May 7, 2021

@gaziana1, it sounds like you're still keeping track of what he posts and who he follows online, and he and his mom can still reach out to you if they want to. You're never going to move on under those circumstances. So the first thing you need to do is block them all everywhere: on all social media, all messaging apps, and your phone. Also, avoid people who would try to keep you updated on what he's doing and who he's seeing.

It will take time to get over him once you do those things, but you can help the process along by journaling about your relationship and reflecting on what was wrong with it and why you stayed in it despite the red flags. The idea is to understand yourself better and to see what lessons you can learn from the experience.

May 7, 2021

Have you posted this before?

This whole story is familiar, from cutting contact with the mother to his pet. I've read this before.

May 7, 2021

8 hours ago, gaziana1 said:

there are a lot of red flags I don't see a bright future with him and he didn't treat me right many times

I see you are young and he is your first bf.
This is often par for the course, we meet someone they are our first true love, we want them to be special to be perfect, but they let us down time and time again and we eventually dump them after a whole lot of drama and upset, or they dump us... That is how it works.

Dating is not about finding someone, anyone and sticking with them, even although they mostly make us sad and unhappy.
Dating is about looking around and making good solid choices.
It is not your job to find a man and then fix him, mould him into who you really want him to be.
It is your job to choose a man who is perfect for you, a man who doesn't need major renovations in order to be half decent.
Women are not put on the planet to accept any man who shows up, it is your responsibility to seek out the best man you can.
One who in the future will make both you and your kids happy.

May 7, 2021

2 hours ago, gaziana1 said:

I thought to seek professional help but I don't have enough money.
My parents don't know about this relationship, as I mentioned there were many red flags and it was somehow abusive.

Sorry this is happening. Are you scheduled for an arranged marriage?

Can you put in writing that you want your money back and provide a way he can transfer it electronically?

If you are not desperate for the money,just delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

May 7, 2021

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Are you scheduled for an arranged marriage?

Can you put in writing that you want your money back and provide a way he can transfer it electronically?

If you are not desperate for the money,just delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

No, I am not scheduled for an arranged marriage. I just know that he is not the right one for me, but still want him.
I don't know if I should ask him about the money because I told him I don't need that back.

May 7, 2021

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I see you are young and he is your first bf.
This is often par for the course, we meet someone they are our first true love, we want them to be special to be perfect, but they let us down time and time again and we eventually dump them after a whole lot of drama and upset, or they dump us... That is how it works.

Dating is not about finding someone, anyone and sticking with them, even although they mostly make us sad and unhappy.
Dating is about looking around and making good solid choices.
It is not your job to find a man and then fix him, mould him into who you really want him to be.
It is your job to choose a man who is perfect for you, a man who doesn't need major renovations in order to be half decent.
Women are not put on the planet to accept any man who shows up, it is your responsibility to seek out the best man you can.
One who in the future will make both you and your kids happy.

Yes, I agree in every word with you and that is my problem. I understand that and I don't expect to change him. I know what has happend, what he has said and done and hurt my feelings, or how many times he has made me cry. And I always said "That is not what I want for my life". But now I just miss him, I miss the memories with him, and still love him, and still have moments when I cry myself to sleep, and I don't want that. I want to get on with my life, stop thinking about him and stop caring if he seeing somebody else, or if he misses me or the "what if things". I want to accept that and feel deep down that my life is much better without him. And it seems impossible because he is stuck in my mind.

May 7, 2021

You actually don't miss him. You miss the idea of him. You liked having a BF. That's OK. It's fun & reassuring to be part of a couple. Nostalgia is not a reason to go back to a relationship that wasn't working. You know it wasn't working. He made you cry too many times & you often thought this is not what you wanted for your life.

You are young, in the prime of your life with many opportunities. You don't know this yet, but just because he was your 1st BF does not mean you two were meant to be together forever.

Stop talking to him & his mother. Delete him out of your phone & off ALL of your social media. No more looking at his posts. If you are not strong enough to stay away, block him. These electronic functions can help you.

Dive back into your school work. Do well on your exams. Plan a fun carefree summer with your friends. Hopefully campus will be reopened next fall. Look around at school. There are hundreds of cute guys. Find somebody new & live your life to the fullest.

May 7, 2021

47 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You actually don't miss him. You miss the idea of him. You liked having a BF. That's OK. It's fun & reassuring to be part of a couple. Nostalgia is not a reason to go back to a relationship that wasn't working. You know it wasn't working. He made you cry too many times & you often thought this is not what you wanted for your life.

You are young, in the prime of your life with many opportunities. You don't know this yet, but just because he was your 1st BF does not mean you two were meant to be together forever.

Stop talking to him & his mother. Delete him out of your phone & off ALL of your social media. No more looking at his posts. If you are not strong enough to stay away, block him. These electronic functions can help you.

Dive back into your school work. Do well on your exams. Plan a fun carefree summer with your friends. Hopefully campus will be reopened next fall. Look around at school. There are hundreds of cute guys. Find somebody new & live your life to the fullest.

I miss him, not the idea of him.
Btw I have two of his friends on social media. Should I remove them? Doesn't it look childish?

May 7, 2021

Yes you should unfriend his friends on social media. A break up is like a divorce. Only one person gets "custody" of the friends. They were never your friends anyway. They were your BFs friends who dealt with you because you dated their friend.

It's not childish to delete people when your connection to them ends. It's silly to collect fake on line friends as a numbers game. Unless you are a social media influencer who gets paid based on your followers, there is no reason to keep them.

Think long & hard about why you miss a guy you didn't see all that much; who made you cry; who caused you stress during your exams'; who didn't support you when a family member was dying; who you don't respect because of his lack of education; who didn't pay you back; who you suspected was cheating on you with another girl and who was so all around dreadful that you had to hide him from your parents? Stop lying to yourself. He was not a catch & you know it.

May 7, 2021

6 hours ago, gaziana1 said:

I just know that he is not the right one for me, but still want him.

Ok, then you'll have to date others so you can be more sure of the type of man who suits you.

May 7, 2021

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, then you'll have to date others so you can be more sure of the type of man who suits you.

But I don't want to date others until I am over him

May 7, 2021

So take your time & heal. But don't go back to him. It wasn't working so stop romanticizing having a BF & look at the logic of where all the problems were.

May 8, 2021

It is natural to feel torn if you really liked someone and were involved with them for a while. But, because this is your first boyfriend, you haven't been through this before, this stage of confusion and missing them. It is a stage that will go eventually if you cut off contact with him and his close friends (and mum). Anything that reminds you of him is going to trigger problems.

I know you miss him at the moment but eventually you will meet someone new, who does not treat you badly like this guy did and make you cry a lot. You need to give yourself that chance. While it is natural to pine over a loss, try to remember that many have been there before and have fallen in love again with someone else and been happier. He is not the only chance you get for a boyfriend; you just need to be patient that someone better will come along. The important thing is that you have learned what can be good about a relationship and what is bad. You have learned what to look out for in future.

Best to cut off contact with him and distract yourself with other things. Gradually the pining will fade. Going back into this situation is only likely to take you back into a world of pain (and more crying).

May 9, 2021

No one's gone on block. You're leaving the door open to both him and his mother (ewww!), unfairly feeding both of their false hopes. That's not fair.

Since he doesn't measure up for you, why are you still dealing with him, giving him hope that he has a chance with you? Just stop it.

Edited May 9, 2021 by kendahke

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Hoping to get back together but still not seeing a future with him because he has done things that make me upset and only has high school degree which I don't like and my family neither

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