Replacements for a Relationship

[MeadowFlower]

With what can you replace having a relationship? I'm possibly going to be single for the rest of my life which actually hurts. But after I'm over that, what can I use to fill the void?

Any suggestions, I know about hobbies to fill your life, but on a deeper emotional level, what ideas are there? 

[Gaeta]

Friends

Family

Pets

Human beings you help through volunteer work

Support groups, women's groups

Being devoted to a humane cause. 

Humanitary work/trip

 

Edited May 4, 2021 by Gaeta

[glows]

I thought this thread would contain links to shoe outlets. 

This sounds so sad.. "to fill a void". Are you depressed? Why not see a health practitioner or healthcare provider for a more practical run down of what might be going on overall? It never hurts to have health professionals on your side too.

As for interests and hobbies, what might work for one person might not work for others so the answers are all within (you). As cliche as that sounds you'll have to cross one bridge at a time, give yourself plenty of time to heal and be patient with yourself.

What helped me was surrounding myself undeniably with all the things I love and making time to either nourish those parts of me or keep feeding those interests and joys. Gardening fills me with a lot of hope. There's a spirit of renewal and rebirth with each new year. Every season is special. I find reasons to be outdoors as much as possible when I'm not working inside. You have to find ways to keep nourishing your spirit. 🌷

 

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, MeadowFlower said:

I'm possibly going to be single for the rest of my life which actually hurts.

What makes you say this?  Sometimes in the middle of a long dry spell it may feel like this but as the acute pains subside, you may find yourself ready to try again under the right circumstances. 

For now, focus on your healing.  Stay busy.  Reconnect with friends.  Find outlets that feed your soul.  I get a lot of pleasure from reading & I draw a great deal of comfort from my faith.  Try that.  

[Shining One]

Periodic casual sex and doing activities with friends works well for me.

[Alpacalia]

I've heard a bottle of wine and an air conditioner can do magical things.

[Lotsgoingon]

Hobbies and activities. Fun hobbies and activities. Thrilling hobbies and activities.

Dinner parties, creating a social life outside of dating (which also happens to be a great dating strategy). I had most of the best social parties and dinners ever as a single person. Don't know what killed it when I was partnered or married. 

Identifying goals and dreams you pushed aside that now you want to tackle and explore. 

Reading and becoming highly knowledgeable. 

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, MeadowFlower said:

With what can you replace having a relationship? I'm possibly going to be single for the rest of my life 

An evaluation from a physician and a referral to a therapist for ongoing support.

[Blind-Sided]

30 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

An evaluation from a physician and a referral to a therapist for ongoing support.

Yep.

Posting you are going to be single for the rest of your life is just an announcement for a pity party.  After my D I thought I was going to be single for a while since I don't go to bars very often... I don't go to clubs at all anymore... and all my hobbies are "Guy" oriented.  But, A few fiends invited me to go out with them, and when I was ready... it just happened.  

[d0nnivain]

Let me tell you a story.  

 

Years ago I met 2 GFs for dinner on the Friday after Thanksgiving  One needed cheering up because she just broke up after a hot summer romance.  She was wallowing like you, crying that she was never going to date again & she'd be single forever.  In my blunt way I said "You're crazy.  You are a beautiful, fun, smart, successful woman but I'll grant you that you might not have a date for New Year's Eve this year."   That kind of helped her put things into perspective.  

So we went to the bar after dinner to have a drink.  When the bartender put the drinks down he said those are on Mr. Nick.  We looked at each other & asked who's Mr. Nick?  The bartender was aghast that we didn't know Mr. Nick was the owner of the restaurant.  I told the bartender we'd like to meet him.  Lo & behold he asked out the friend who has just been crying about being single.  I was happy to be proven wrong in how long she'd be dateless.  

My point is even when it feels like you will be single, it's just pain & insecurity talking.    

[understand50]

MeadowFlower,

Fill the void by working on yourself and growing.  The rest will follow.  Worrying and pitying yourself on being single is just off putting.  Just go on, get involved in what ever you what to do and you will get noticed.  Guys are attracted to self confident, and interesting women.   Looks are just part of the equation.   Now, I admit, I am not the best person to give my take here, as I married at 18 and have 49 years together with the same woman.  On the other hand, I have observed much in my life time out of the game.  I find that woman that seem not to really care about getting a man, seem to wind up with a good one.  So, do not worry about it.  Grow and work on yourself, love will come.

 

I wish you luck...

[Happy Lemming]

19 hours ago, MeadowFlower said:

With what can you replace having a relationship?

 

I knew one woman that had 6 cats... I know it sounds like some strange stereotype, but the woman was happy.

At that time, she was in her mid-thirties.  She had her own business and worked from her home.  She was obese and a bit of a shut-in, but she seemed quite content.  She did have a few female friends.

The "cat lady" was friends with this woman I was dating (at that time).

[MeadowFlower]

Thank you to the posters who gave suggestions. 

To the others saying that I need therapy.... I do not. I don't need 'fixing' for feeling any way that I might. And in regards to a pity party, looks like I'm human. 

 

[Happy Lemming]

@MeadowFlower

My girlfriend has a couple close female BFF's.  One is divorced and has sworn off men, forever.  She acquired a small dog that has become her close companion.  This woman leads a complete and happy life sans men.

Do you have a pet?? 

[d0nnivain]

26 minutes ago, MeadowFlower said:

To the others saying that I need therapy.... I do not. I don't need 'fixing' for feeling any way that I might. And in regards to a pity party, looks like I'm human. 

You get to have a pity party if you want to throw yourself one.  We just don't want it to turn into a never ending party.  There is a difference. 

Therapy can be a good outlet if you need somebody to talk to.  You can only dump so much on your friends.  If you find yourself not being able to move forward at all, if that pity party goes on too long, consider doing something like therapy to spark yourself forward.  

[Lotsgoingon]

You may need to update your view of therapy. Therapy isn't to "fix" someone, though yes people arrive at therapy seeking relief for depression, anxiety and so forth.

Therapy is also about charting new waters, tapping a second brain (a skilled brain) at helping us create the kind of life that we want. The fact that you are even asking the question about a substitute for a relationship shows you have tons of limits and blocks in your thinking. That's exactly what good therapists are for--helping us open those blocks, see past the blocks and ultimately overcome the blocks. 

Therapy only works if you really are interested, so sounds like it won't work for you.

But just so you know: CEOs and high-achievers of all kinds go to therapy, because they realize they need to be at peak emotional health to live a high-pressure life with some measure of calm and confidence and peace. 

 

[Foxhall]

I think particularly for women in your situation, having a few good female friends is important,

hobbies are ok but women especially need to have the support of friends for a natter and so on and to lift the spirits,

I suppose its more common with these forums to hear of guys struggling to find a woman, 

but again its probably more difficult for a woman when she is unable to find a man.

guys are more solitary creatures st the end of the day and will get by on hobbies. and most guys who struggle will probably eventually find someone if they really want to.

perhaps not always the case for women, I dont know.

so Id say get yourself out there, join things and make it your aim to get to know a few more women.

 

 

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, MeadowFlower said:

I don't need 'fixing' for feeling any way that I might.

It's not for me to determine, but MAYBE you do. There are people with undiagnosed personality disorders for example who are not aware of it.

I'm not saying that you DO "need fixing" but I WOULD suggest you remain open to the possibility of "positive change". If you feel like it's not possible to ever have a relationship but you want one, well - plenty of people have them. So at least part of the issue must be you. NO ONE is ever perfect, so this is not intended as a dig at you, but perhaps a bit of a wake up call.

I believe there are plenty of people in the world out there who want a relationship but aren't in the right place psychologically to actually be in one for long. Part of what needs to change IS them. This is not a judgement on them - but it IS simply stating the facts as they actually are. Not sure if that is you, but it's something to consider.

[Trail Blazer]

Casual sex is a great way to fill the void.  Pun intended.

In all seriousness, why don't you think you'll ever have a relationship?  Do you struggle to relate to most guys and therefore find it challenging to engage emotionally?

[MeadowFlower]

On 5/7/2021 at 4:53 AM, Trail Blazer said:

Casual sex is a great way to fill the void.  Pun intended.

I don't get the pun. 

 

On 5/7/2021 at 4:53 AM, Trail Blazer said:

Do you struggle to relate to most guys and therefore find it challenging to engage emotionally?

Hmm.. Well, maybe the standard guy I might not relate with, but there would be some guys that I could. But them finding me interesting enough, or the dreaded attractive enough, is another thing. 

[MeadowFlower]

On 5/5/2021 at 10:00 PM, Wiseman2 said:

An evaluation from a physician and a referral to a therapist for ongoing support.

I could say something, but I won't. 

[Trail Blazer]

13 hours ago, MeadowFlower said:

I don't get the pun.  

It was a sexual pun.  You know, to have sex would be to literally fill a void... 

 

13 hours ago, MeadowFlower said:

Hmm.. Well, maybe the standard guy I might not relate with, but there would be some guys that I could. But them finding me interesting enough, or the dreaded attractive enough, is another thing. 

Everyone relates to somebody.  However, some people are social butterflies and click with everyone. 

Others, well they can find themselves really struggling to relate to people in general.

Then there are some people just don't relate to those of the opposite sex.

I'm sorry that you feel you might not be interesting or attractive enough to be deemed relationship worthy.  Everyone deserves to feel loved.

 

[mortensorchid]

Be happy with other things.  I always get dumped, passed over for the trashy or less attractive woman, or flat out rejected.  No one wants me.  I have to accept that fact that I am too old.  And not be bitter about it either.

Don't lament these facts to others, complain about not being with anyone, how hard it is to meet men, etc.  Keep it to yourself and you're fine.  And it's easy for others to pat you on the head and say "there there" because they don't know what pain and suffering really is.  Just don't mention it.

 

[czanclus]

18 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

Keep it to yourself and you're fine.  And it's easy for others to pat you on the head and say "there there" because they don't know what pain and suffering really is.  Just don't mention it.

Wise words. I didn't realize until comfortably into middle age that most people actually never experience real limerence, intense wanting and even love for someone they couldn't have or had but one way or another lost. At 'best,' it's a slew of failed 'marriage-minded projects' until the majority settles, and the remainder exhaustedly throws in the towel. They will have no way of relating. Not to disparage and judge other people's choices and priorities, but most of them are in the kinds of relationships that only on the surface look like something worth coveting, but that you yourself would rather gouge your intestines out than ever be involved in for a day. To each their own, but you, and the rest of us single by choice humans, own your values. Cultivate your personal aesthetic of worthy relationships and settle for nothing less.

I'm getting a puppy.

[BaileyB]

On 5/8/2021 at 6:38 PM, mortensorchid said:

On 5/5/2021 at 12:01 PM, d0nnivain said:

You get to have a pity party if you want to throw yourself one.  We just don't want it to turn into a never ending party.  There is a difference. 

This is the simple truth. Short term sadness requires a good talk with a girlfriend, a glass of wine, a pint of ice cream, and Bridget Jones. If what you are feeling is more serious than that, a sense of hopelessness and depression, that’s when the suggestion of therapy becomes more appropriate. 

Every single woman has felt as some time in their life that they are destined to live alone forever. I certainly know that I have. 

Just because we feel that way,  it doesn’t mean that it’s going to be true. 

Edited May 10, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Rude