After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[Starswillshine]

3 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

You’re absolutely right, I do have two years invested and I do love him and don’t wish to start over with anyone else - he has expressed the same interest and for what it’s worth - he mentioned divorce first, not me.

But 2 years is a drop in the bucket compared to making a life with someone. Purchasing a home together. Giving decades if your life to... to open his phone and see texts messages to the woman who will replace you.

[Starswillshine]

And by replace you, I mean... once you are not the mistress, that spot opens... 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I told him of course she can’t keep his daughter from him and I’ll be there to support him if he wants me go with him to a consultation. He says this is what he wants, his relationship with his wife is “a shell of what it was” and we deserve the chance to explore our relationship in the open. 

Good - when is he going to set up an appointment with a divorce attorney so you two can go?

[BaileyB]

34 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I don’t get why people are knocking his fears over ending his marriage - it’s a huge thing to do, who would take that lightly? I’ve spoken to several people on other forums who are in my exact situation, and the MM in every situation are always freaked out at the prospect of upending their lives. 

Of course, the decision to file for divorce and upend his life is a very big decision, it’s a difficult thing to do. Nobody takes that lightly. 

He has put the horse before the apple cart - he has started another relationship before ending his marriage. That’s not to be taken lightly either. He has raised your hopes, he has taken your time, you will no doubt be disappointed if/when he doesn’t follow through…

Forgive us, as many on this site have lived it (both sides) and we see time and time again stories of women who believe him when he says he wants to leave, but he is scared. He’s reluctant to suffer the consequences of divorce. He just needs a little more time. If you could just be patient, offer some support, love him. The women who come to this site with stories remarkably similar to yours waste years of their lives being strung along by men who say one thing, and do another. Sure - you’ve found other women online who are in the same boat as you, so of course they validate your confirmation bias. That doesn’t mean that they have any more wisdom or experience than the women who post here - who have been there, done that, and they are trying to help you to avoid this pain. 

Edited November 18, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

40 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

You’re absolutely right, I do have two years invested and I do love him and don’t wish to start over with anyone else - he has expressed the same interest

Respectfully, he doesn’t have to start over. He has another relationship. If your affair ends his wife will be there to care for him.

If he is reluctant to “start over,” perhaps that simply means that he would rather not have to go back on the dating site to find himself another affair partner. 

Edited November 18, 2021 by BaileyB

[LShalcy]

47 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

But 2 years is a drop in the bucket compared to making a life with someone. Purchasing a home together. Giving decades if your life to... to open his phone and see texts messages to the woman who will replace you.

He doesn’t have decades together with her, he is only 33.
 

And they haven’t purchased a home together either.

[Allupinnit]

He's probably also realizing that the grass isn't always greener.  Why would he upend the apple cart when the status quo suits him fine?  Divorce SHOULD be difficult - you're breaking up someone's family.  That little girl would have to go back and forth seeing her parents only part of the time, resources on both sides stretched thinner, not to mention the hurt.  Do you know the statistics for kids raised in two different households?  It's not pretty.  Why do you want to do that to someone's family?!

Why do you overlook his ability and propensity to lie to not only you but EVERYONE in his life in order to get his rocks off?  I'm really curious.

Do you think he just loves you SO MUCH that you're immune to that very rotten character flaw of his?  You know that's not how love works, right?

Edited November 18, 2021 by Allupinnit

[LShalcy]

23 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Divorce SHOULD be difficult - you're breaking up someone's family.  That little girl would have to go back and forth seeing her parents only part of the time, resources on both sides stretched thinner, not to mention the hurt.  Do you know the statistics for kids raised in two different households?  It's not pretty.  Why do you want to do that to someone's family?!

I’m not doing anything to his family! I’ve asked him multiple, multiple times if this is what he wants. I’m not forcing anything and believe me, I’ve been showing him my true crazy self, giving him plenty of opportunity to leave and he’s still here saying it’s what he wants. 

of course, it will be an adjustment for his daughter. But if it happens, she will adjust just fine and see him plenty. 

He is the one who said he wants a future with me first, he’s the one who said he loves me first, he’s the one who said he wants a baby with me first. I’ve pulled away from him countless times since posting here, and he is the one to always come back, crying on the phone that he loves me, he can’t see himself without me. 

not saying it’s absolutely going to happen, there’s no way I can know that,  if I was positive it was going to happen I wouldn’t be an anxious mess right now and I wouldn’t even be posting here. If I was so sure it would happen I wouldn’t be feeling as internally tumultuous as I am right now.

But I am willing to give a few more months to see what happens. 

[RebeccaR]

2 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I’ve pulled away from him countless times since posting here, and he is the one to always come back, crying on the phone that he loves me, he can’t see himself without me. 

I think he can’t live without the hot sex and the things you do that his wife doesn’t. That’s what keeps bringing him back.

[LShalcy]

2 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

I think he can’t live without the hot sex and the things you do that his wife doesn’t. That’s what keeps bringing him back.

Sex is not everything, just an FYI. 

[Allupinnit]

2 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I’m not doing anything to his family! I’ve asked him multiple, multiple times if this is what he wants. I’m not forcing anything and believe me, I’ve been showing him my true crazy self, giving him plenty of opportunity to leave and he’s still here saying it’s what he wants. 

of course, it will be an adjustment for his daughter. But if it happens, she will adjust just fine and see him plenty. 

He is the one who said he wants a future with me first, he’s the one who said he loves me first, he’s the one who said he wants a baby with me first. I’ve pulled away from him countless times since posting here, and he is the one to always come back, crying on the phone that he loves me, he can’t see himself without me. 

not saying it’s absolutely going to happen, there’s no way I can know that,  if I was positive it was going to happen I wouldn’t be an anxious mess right now and I wouldn’t even be posting here. If I was so sure it would happen I wouldn’t be feeling as internally tumultuous as I am right now.

But I am willing to give a few more months to see what happens. 

Yes, you are.  You're the unwelcome interloper in this marriage hoping to coax him into abandoning his wife and daughter, for them to pick up the pieces alone.

As to the second bolded - you don't know this.  Study after study has been done regarding how kids suffer once Dad leaves the picture and they're left being raised by a single mom.  But you simply don't care about them.  You want what you want, everyone else be damned.  

 

[LShalcy]

1 minute ago, Allupinnit said:

As to the second bolded - you don't know this.  Study after study has been done regarding how kids suffer once Dad leaves the picture and they're left being raised by a single mom.  But you simply don't care about them.  You want what you want, everyone else be damned.  

Yes I want him, and yes I’m trying to get him to leave his wife - but not his daughter.

She will be just fine.

[Allupinnit]

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

Yes I want him, and yes I’m trying to get him to leave his wife - but not his daughter.

She will be just fine.

[ ] My dad abandoned me and my mother when I was young.  Want to ask me all about how that affected me, and my relationships with men growing up?  

My H's ex-wife married her boss.  They left their spouses to be together.  I'd love for you to hear how his daughters took the whole thing.  I could tell you all about how my SD cries sometimes at school after a drop off from her dad.  

Lie to yourself all you want - you're not fooling anyone.  

Edited November 18, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
personal attack

[Starswillshine]

37 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

He doesn’t have decades together with her, he is only 33.
 

And they haven’t purchased a home together either.

I wasn't talking about his wife. 

I was talking about all the red flags that should be screaming at you you get out of this relationship because if it does go the way you believe, there is a high chance that what I wrote will be your life. He showed you the man he is. 

We aren't a bunch of bitter betrayed wives... we are women who want better for other women. 

[Starswillshine]

1 minute ago, Allupinnit said:

Haha wow.  You really are obtuse.  My dad abandoned me and my mother when I was young.  Want to ask me all about how that affected me, and my relationships with men growing up?  

My H's ex-wife married her boss.  They left their spouses to be together.  I'd love for you to hear how his daughters took the whole thing.  I could tell you all about how my SD cries sometimes at school after a drop off from her dad.  

Lie to yourself all you want - you're not fooling anyone.  

One of my daughter's doesn't talk to her dad at all. The youngest writes stories for class all the time, and there is always some element of hurt in. Her last one, the main character was going to court to have her last name changed to her mother's maiden name because she no longer wanted the name of the man who could "destroy the woman who gave me birth." She also is in quite a bit of therapy. 

My middle daughter wrote stories of suicide. 

So let's discuss how this is all awesome for kids one more time, please? 

[LShalcy]

1 hour ago, Allupinnit said:

My dad abandoned me and my mother when I was young.  Want to ask me all about how that affected me, and my relationships with men growing up?  

My H's ex-wife married her boss.  They left their spouses to be together.  I'd love for you to hear how his daughters took the whole thing.  I could tell you all about how my SD cries sometimes at school after a drop off from her dad.  

Lie to yourself all you want - you're not fooling anyone.  

Difference is, unlike perhaps your father, he is not planning on abandoning his daughter at all. And I wouldn’t be with someone who could abandon their child. 

my parents also divorced - my siblings and I have a great relationship with our father. So it’s not all doom and gloom. 

Edited November 18, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited quote

[vla1120]

15 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I’m not doing anything to his family! I’ve asked him multiple, multiple times if this is what he wants. I’m not forcing anything and believe me, I’ve been showing him my true crazy self, giving him plenty of opportunity to leave and he’s still here saying it’s what he wants. 

Of course you are. You had the choice to cut all contact with him the very DAY you found out he was married. That would have been the best course of action for everyone involved.

I remember in the beginning how distracted you were from doing your job. Teaching is a very demanding job. How are you doing this year? How much of your time is now spent obsessed about whether he's going to leave his wife for you? You can do so much better than this loser. I wish you recognized that fact. 

[Allupinnit]

1 minute ago, LShalcy said:

Difference is, unlike perhaps your father, he is not planning on abandoning his daughter at all. And I wouldn’t be with someone who could abandon their child. 

my parents also divorced - my siblings and I have a great relationship with our father. So it’s not all doom and gloom. 

Define abandon.  Sure I saw my father after he deserted us.  

Did your dad cheat on your mom for a few years and leave to be with the other woman?  Do you have to see her at holiday functions?  Did you have to visit Dad in his new house with her, perhaps she hated you and didn't want you around?

If their marriage is going to fall apart, let it have nothing to do with you.  Kids are smart, they know what's up.  If not him than surely her mother will tell her exactly who you are and what you did.

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

Difference is, unlike perhaps your father, he is not planning on abandoning his daughter at all. And I wouldn’t be with someone who could abandon their child. 

my parents also divorced - my siblings and I have a great relationship with our father. So it’s not all doom and gloom. 

Did your father have an affair and leave the marriage to be with the other woman?

I have a friend who rarely speaks with her father - he left her mother for his affair partner when my friend was an adult. She never forgave him, her mother suffered a life altering health crisis that resulted in permanent disability and her father left her to be with another woman. He then expected the grandchildren to visit and spend time with his affair partner. My friend could not cope with that - she never accepted the other woman and then… the relationship ended. That hasn’t really changed her relationship with her father. 

Starswillshine, correct me if I’m wrong but your ex-husband has tried to be an involved father. You have found a certain peace with him and you have encouraged your children to forgive the pain he caused you - it is their decision to hold him at a distance and these examples illustrate why they do - they have been greatly hurt by the pain he has caused all of you. As Dr Phil says, when you hurt the child’s parent, you hurt the child. 

Edited November 18, 2021 by BaileyB

[LShalcy]

28 minutes ago, S2B said:

 

he mainly wants you, as his OW, to stay quiet and compliant so he can continue his little arrangement.

I’ve been anything but quiet and compliant. I’ve cursed at him, I’ve told him to never contact me, I’ve ignored him for days. I’ve refused to see him. I’ve told him to leave me alone and go back to his wife. 

the last time that happened he texted me to look outside: he was there, he needed to see me, he couldn’t stand I was mad at him. I’ve tried to push him away. 

despite all this, for some reason we still want to be together. So I’m willing to give it a little more time to see what happens.

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

You had the choice to cut all contact with him the very DAY you found out he was married.

That was actually why she came to this site. In her first post, she said something like “I know what I have to do, I just don’t know how to do it…”

And then, she decided that she loved him too much, had invested too much into the relationship, to let this man go. Then began the mental gymnastics…

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I’ve cursed at him, I’ve told him to never contact me, I’ve ignored him for days. I’ve refused to see him. I’ve told him to leave me alone and go back to his wife. 

the last time that happened he texted me to look outside: he was there, he needed to see me, he couldn’t stand I was mad at him. I’ve tried to push him away. 

despite all this, for some reason we still want to be together.

Despite all this, you remain in this very toxic and unhealthy relationship. That’s all this is - a whole lot of drama. Toxic and unhealthy relationships tend to be full of seaman, and this is no exception. 

[Allupinnit]

5 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

That was actually why she came to this site. In her first post, she said something like “I know what I have to do, I just don’t know how to do it…”

And then, she decided that she loved him too much, had invested too much into the relationship, to let this man go. Then began the mental gymnastics…

I think she's known all along.  No way she could ignore all of the red flags surrounding his availability.

I think I need to step away from this thread.  I'm triggered for sure.  I just don't think people this selfish realize how deep and far the hurt goes to everyone else when Dad's cheating and ready to abandon the family he already has because he foolishly believes the grass is greener with a fellow cheater.

True love and marriage is sacrificial, it's doubling down when life gets tough - that's why vows are written the way they are, because life doesn't follow your "feelings."

Edited November 18, 2021 by Allupinnit

[Starswillshine]

8 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Starswillshine, correct me if I’m wrong but your ex-husband has tried to be an involved father. You have found a certain peace with him and you have encouraged your children to forgive the pain he caused you - it is their decision to hold him at a distance and these examples illustrate why they do - they have been greatly hurt by the pain he has caused all of you. As Dr Phil says, when you hurt the child’s parent, you hurt the child. 

Yes, this is indeed correct. My eldest daughter is now adult age and does not speak to her dad. He and I have a good co-parenting relationship, and we can get along just fine. I forgave him for myself and for my kids. I have told her many times that she should try to repair her relationship with her dad, but it does not matter. And my ex-husband did not leave me for his OW. He was never properly with his OW post divorce. I divorced him.

 

[Starswillshine]

1 minute ago, Allupinnit said:

I'm triggered for sure.  I just don't think people this selfish realize how deep and far the hurt goes to everyone else when Dad's cheating and ready to abandon the family he already has because he foolishly believes the grass is greener with a fellow cheater.

I will say the, "she will be fine." comment was triggering for me as well. Though, it was my choice to divorce, and he didn't leave for someone else, he was just a run of the mill cheater/cake eater, my kids are not just fine. And I have the freaking bill to prove it.