After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[LShalcy]

Please don’t reiterate how stupid I was to not see the signs, not know the obvious - I did see some signs, some uneasy feelings, but I chose to ignore them. I was able to find an excuse for everything.

And now I can’t get out.

We met two years ago online — immediately this was different - actual conversations all day, sending pics of our kids (he has a 4 year old, I have a toddler and older child), funny memes, sexual memes , everything. He would text me in the morning, at night, all hours of the day. The chemistry was undeniable - when we meet we can’t stop touching each other, kissing each other. He’s called me his dream woman, I’m amazing, he’s never done things to other people that he’s done to me (sexually)etc etc. 

After we met up last week I noticed he had on his work pants (he wears a uniform to work) and I thought that was weird because he works nights and it was night so he was obviously off. I didn’t question it but we spent the entire night together (we have never used protection and he came in me as usual). I couldn’t get over the pants thing though, so the next day I texted him “do you have a secret wife or something?”. He took hours to answer - it was then that I knew because he always answers me right away. He admitted that yes he was married and he didn’t know how to tell me, he was selfish but he couldn’t “let go off the chemistry and the connection we have” and he’s so sorry etc etc. 

I blew up of course, cursed him out. I told him I don’t know what to do anymore, he asks me “how much do I want him because I still have him and he still wants me, he can’t get over me.”

how can he possibly have a wife when he is in communication with me all day? He works nights and watches his daughter during the day and send me pics of them all the time. He texts me he can’t wait to see me, misses me all hours of the day? I asked him how does he manage to do it, he says “I find a way”. Why would he continue to have unprotected sex with me when there is ALWAYS a chance of pregnancy when he has a wife? Why is he telling me we would made cute kids when he has a wife?
 

how can he possibly love his wife when he is telling me all of this?! This isn’t only a sexual affair, it’s emotional. We have made countless tapes etc together. If I were his wife I would be absolutely devastated if I ever saw any of the texts, the tapes. It would seem like my husband has a whole other “relationship” with a woman, not just a fling.This is more than just, “it happened once or twice, it was a mistake”.

And in some way, I don’t care about the feelings of his wife, she doesn’t seem real to me, just a faceless person who I hate.

I know I need to leave but it’s so hard. How did any of you manage to leave after going through something like this?

(sorry for any typos, grammatical errors...)

Edited November 3, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
merged with new thread

[BaileyB]

I’m so sorry this has happened to you, but it’s time to get real, real fast! 

You have been involved in a relationship with a man who has lied to you for the past two years about his marital status. You do need to end this, like - yesterday. It may have been a serious relationship for you, not only sexual but also emotional. But, this man has withheld a KEY detail and that is not acceptable. 

You need to end this not because it is the appropriate thing to do, but because you do NOT want to be involved with a man who could deceive TWO women in this way for a long time. He is NOT who he said he was, he is NOT the man that you fell in love with - that man does not exist anymore. 

17 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

And in some way, I don’t care about the feelings of his wife, she doesn’t seem real to me, just a faceless person who I hate.

This is your anger speaking. In truth, you should have great empathy for her. He has deceived her, in the same way he has deceived you, for the past two years. She has been home, caring for his children, while he has been engaging with you. Probably the kindest thing you could do for her now is to let her know - she deserves to know that the man she married is not the man she thinks he is either. 

19 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

And now I can’t get out.

Again, let’s be real. You absolutely can get out. You are not married to the man. You do not have children with the man. You send him a text telling him that it’s over and then you find yourself a counsellor, because you are going to need one. There is a lot to heal here. 

Personally, if a man betrayed me in this way - I wouldn’t even give him the opportunity to explain. There is nothing he can say that would make this ok. 

The other thing you should do is get a pregnancy test and an STD test. Today. 

I’m sorry. 

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

And now I can’t get out.

Yes you can get out.  The door is right there.  Leave the cheating liar on the grounds that you don't date married men who lie to you, lead you on & play you for a fool.  

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Yes you can get out.  The door is right there.  Leave the cheating liar on the grounds that you don't date married men who lie to you, lead you on & play you for a fool.  

Absolutely. Any feelings that I had for the man would have died the moment he told me that he had lied to me for TWO YEARS about the fact that he was married and has a family. The rest (telling him it’s over, possibly telling his wife, making appointments with a physician and a counsellor) - that’s just logistics. 

Edited May 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[notbroken]

You can never trust him again.   He is a liar and a cheat.   I'm so sorry, but you have to end this immediately.   Yes - you can. 

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

It would seem like my husband has a whole other “relationship” with a woman

Not "seem like".

His marriage is his marriage. Clearly if it allowed for something like this there must be a very "loose" attachment indeed.

But that's not really the main issue, at least for you. I don't think it's particularly controversial to say that most people would not tolerate this level of deception from a partner. There's really no reason you should, either.

GL.

[Starswillshine]

Immediately, I would have blocked him. Found out who his wife was, and figure out a good way to let her know. One in which he cannot intercept. She deserves to know as well. 

And then do my best to start picking up the pieces. No way would I carry on with this man. 

[Pumpernickel]

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

how can he possibly have a wife when he is in communication with me all day? He works nights and watches his daughter during the day

Because he’s alone in the house, while his wife is at work during the day I suppose. It’s not that hard to communicate by text with an affair partner, if you’re married. There’s always a way. What’s weird though is that after 2 years you’ve obviously never been at his place, or on a weekend trip or whatever. Doesn’t make sense. 
Anyway - this was a massive violation of your trust. You shouldn’t consider continuing this. Under any circumstances. You should also redirect your anger to where it belongs. Hint: not to his wife 

Edited May 4, 2021 by Pumpernickel

[Stupidkupid]

All of the above.

It would be one thing to knowingly enter an affair. That has its own complications.

But fpr him to drag you into that without your full knowledge, without your consent, is really something else.

You say you met online: how? Was he on a dating app?

The fact is that every day. Every. Single. Day. All 730 of them. For two years. He lied to you. He lied every day. Every day for 2 years.

Read that over and over.

[LShalcy]

 

1 hour ago, Stupidkupid said:

The fact is that every day. Every. Single. Day. All 730 of them. For two years. He lied to you. He lied every day. Every day for 2 years.

This. Definitely this. so devastating i haven’t been able to eat or think clearly since I found out.
 

Thank you for all the replies and the advice which I should knowingly take...

but ...it’s not easy to just block him or ignore him or forget about everything that has happened for two whole years. 

he’s been texting me today and yesterday and the day before and everyday since Saturday when I found out and apologizing but then acting like everything should go back to normal. 

Im still planning to meet him next week because , how can I not meet him? How can I ignore his texts?
 

I’m so hurt. 

[lana-banana]

11 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

Im still planning to meet him next week because , how can I not meet him? How can I ignore his texts? 

You can ignore his texts because they're lies. Because you can realize you deserve better than someone who lies to you every day for two years. You know absolutely nothing about him except that he's is capable of some pretty intense deception and (more importantly) doing it without a shred of guilt. He has lied not just to your face but his wife for two entire years! If you meet him in person he's going to do it again, and again, and again until you demand better for yourself.

What would you tell a friend in this situation? Would you really tell her to give even a second of consideration to a serial liar and manipulator?

 

[d0nnivain]

22 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

Im still planning to meet him next week because , how can I not meet him? How can I ignore his texts?

How can you ignore his texts?  How can you not meet him?  

Easy, by having self respect & morals!  The minute you respond he knows he has you.  The minute you meet him you are KNOWINGLY helping him cheat. 

I don't understand why those of us responding to your posts are more upset by his lies & shameful behavior than you are.  

[Stupidkupid]

44 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

 

This. Definitely this. so devastating i haven’t been able to eat or think clearly since I found out.
 

Thank you for all the replies and the advice which I should knowingly take...

but ...it’s not easy to just block him or ignore him or forget about everything that has happened for two whole years. 

he’s been texting me today and yesterday and the day before and everyday since Saturday when I found out and apologizing but then acting like everything should go back to normal. 

Im still planning to meet him next week because , how can I not meet him? How can I ignore his texts?
 

I’m so hurt. 

I totally understand why you are hurt. You have every reason to be hurt.

But think of his wife.

You can't meet him. Its wrong. Hes a liar.

He is the mother of all liars. He has used you, unwittingly, in his little double life for 2 years. That is completely insane.

Where is his moral compass? Why would you want anything to do with him? He has literally no morals. He's lying to his wife. He is lying to you. He wouldn't know the truth if it jumped up and bit him on the nose.

If you see him then you are knowingly entering into an affair with a man who who lied to you for 730 consecutive days and only confessed when you caught him out.

Hes a terrible person and if I were you I would tell him that if he contacts me again I will find a way to let his wife know. I don't usually advocate this line but he has treated you both appallingly and with contempt, not only for your intelligence but for your feelings.

Edited May 4, 2021 by Stupidkupid

[BaileyB]

49 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

Im still planning to meet him next week because , how can I not meet him? How can I ignore his texts?

There is literally nothing he can say to explain this. There is literally nothing he can say to make this better. There is literally nothing he can say to make me love you again. As such, there is no reason to meet. 

If you must, send him a text that says simply, “I am done. Do not contact me again.” End of story. 

If you want him to stop contacting you, tell his wife. He will turn around and run home with his tail between his legs faster than you can imagine. Besides, she deserves to know that the man she married has also been lying to her. Every. Single. Day. All 730 of them. For two years. He lied to her too. He lied every day. Every day for 2 years. She has children with the man!! And he is out carrying on another relationship in secret - from both you and her - for two years!! 

We know that you are shattered. Shocked. Heartbroken. Angry. You must be experiencing so many different feelings right now as it will take your heart quite some time to catch up to your head. But, think with your head right now is what you must do! 

Meeting him again is only going to bring you more pain. There is not a thing he could do to heal this. Even if he told me he was “leaving today, bags packed and I have told my wife I’m choosing you!” As Donnivain said above, my answer would be that I don’t have relationships with men who lie and cheat and play me for a fool.

Edited May 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, LShalcy said:

how can he possibly have a wife when he is in communication with me all day? He works nights and watches his daughter during the day

Because his wife is at work and he's goofing off sending you stuff rather than watching he is daughter. He seems like a real heel. Dump him.

[LShalcy]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

I don't understand why those of us responding to your posts are more upset by his lies & shameful behavior than you are.  

I am plenty mad but I’m just so much more devastated and shocked than mad right now and my anger is so misplaced - I’m angry at her and that she has him and I don’t. I’m mad that she gets to see him in the morning and night and I don’t. It’s wrong, it’s senseless I know but this is so recent and raw that I can’t even type this without crying. 
 

the only thing that makes me feel better is when I’m texting with him because he’s still making me think that he wants me and he needs me. I just told him I’m so hurt and jealous and he wants me to tell him why. I said, “obviously you know” and he says “I want you to tell me”. But he tells me I still have him when I obviously don’t. 
 

This is two years,  I could have been developing m a relationship with someone else, I’ve rejected other people because I felt loyal to this man for two years.

I can’t just turn it off in a weekend. If I see him, I’ll at least feel better. 
 

This is so painful. 
 

 

[d0nnivain]

Of course it's painful.  You have been taken in by a liar who continues to lie to you.  You can't believe anything he says to you.  If he wanted to leave her to be with you, he would have done it by now.  He wants his cake (her) & to eat it too (you). 

You never had him.  Alas neither does his wife & she doesn't even know that yet.  Let her have him.  He's worthless.  

Put the anger where it belongs squarely on him & stop talking to him! She didn't lie to you.  

[LShalcy]

1 hour ago, lana-banana said:

You can ignore his texts because they're lies. Because you can realize you deserve better than someone who lies to you every day for two years. You know absolutely nothing about him except that he's is capable of some pretty intense deception and (more importantly) doing it without a shred of guilt. He has lied not just to your face but his wife for two entire years! If you meet him in person he's going to do it again, and again, and again until you demand better for yourself.

Did he ever even have real feelings for me? Everything couldn’t have been a lie. 

[d0nnivain]

7 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

Did he ever even have real feelings for me? Everything couldn’t have been a lie. 

No he did not have feelings for you.  It was all a lie.  If he cared one whit about you he would not have lied to you for 2 whole years.  

[Allupinnit]

Oh no I'm so sorry.   

I had this happen to a friend, and I think the heightened emotions and the fallout cause people to "hysterically bond" which is why you want to see him so badly.  He's your drug, and you need a hit.  You want to "win."  

Please, for the love of anything that matters to you, you HAVE To walk away.  If you don't, he'll know he has you as the OW and might even feel relieved that you know about his W so that he can relax more around you.  He won't have to lie (AS MUCH TO YOU ABOUT HER) anymore.  

If you see him, it's pretty much guaranteed that he'll tell you all of the same BS you see all over this forum from married men - His W doesn't understand him, they sleep separately, he's staying for the kids, he loves you more than he EVER loved her, etc.  (sounds like he's already dropped some of those little bombs on you)

Being the OW is the fastest road to self-destruction, chaos, erosion of your self-esteem, and in two more years you may not even recognize yourself anymore.  RUN away!!!

 

Edited May 4, 2021 by Allupinnit

[BaileyB]

18 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

Did he ever even have real feelings for me? Everything couldn’t have been a lie. 

That’s your heart talking. You really need to think with your head. 

He may have had feelings for you, but the truth is he put his own needs ahead of yours. He cared about himself more. He likely knew you would not be interested if he told you he was married and had children. Most married men lie because the majority of women would not consider them if they told they they had a wife and children at home and life was good. 

Most MM tell a tale of woe - my wife doesn’t love me, she’s mean to me, she’s disengaged, she won’t have sex with me. I want to leave but I can’t because my wife is ill, I won’t see my children, when the kids leave home, after the vacation that I have already paid for, just one more Christmas holiday...

But not your guy. He didn’t say anything. He spun a fantasy - for you and for him - telling you how much he loved you and wanted to be with you. He withheld valuable information - he took away your ability to make an informed decision!! 

31 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I’m angry at her and that she has him and I don’t. I’m mad that she gets to see him in the morning and night and I don’t.

You are still thinking of the man you thought you loved. The man he led you to believe he was. 

The truth is, he is no prize. He lied to you, manipulated you to get what he wanted, and he has betrayed his wife in the worst possible way. This is not a man that you want in your life. This is not a man that you want in your children’s life.

If your daughter came to you with this story 20 years from now... what would you tell her to do? Would you consider this man a good partner for her? Would you want this man in the same home as your grandchildren? 

31 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I just told him I’m so hurt and jealous and he wants me to tell him why. I said, “obviously you know” and he says “I want you to tell me”.

He can’t actually be that obtuse. That is so unbelievably disrespectful of the pain that HE HAS CAUSED YOU! That would infuriate me. 
 

31 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

he tells me I still have him when I obviously don’t. 

No, you don’t. You never did. 

31 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

This is two years,  I could have been developing m a relationship with someone else, I’ve rejected other people because I felt loyal to this man for two years.

Find your anger! Yes! You could have been involved with a man who could give you the relationship that you want. He took that from you! 

31 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

If I see him, I’ll at least feel better. 

I doubt that. I really wish you would reconsider. 

Edited May 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

I think the heightened emotions and the fallout cause people to "hysterically bond" which is why you want to see him so badly.  He's your drug, and you need a hit.  You want to "win."  

This! It’s a trauma response. It’s not healthy. 

Kindly OP, you are still in shock. At the very least, you should give it some time before you see him again. There is no reassurance he can provide you right now. With time, the shock will pass and you will begin to process this. I would even try to do some counselling, if possible. Meet with someone before you make the decision to meet.

[BaileyB]

Just wanted to summarize, not a single person in this discussion has said, you should hear him out. Every single person has said - end all communication - immediately! What he has done to you is horrible and while I understand why you are confused and struggling to accept this new reality, this is not a man you should ever trust again. 

Edited May 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

I’m so hurt and jealous and he wants me to tell him why. I said, “obviously you know” and he says “I want you to tell me”.

Still thinking about this... I’m not usually one to throw around psychological diagnosis... 

But this, is almost sociopathic. It shows such a lack of empathy, a total disregard for your pain...

Either he is just completely delusional, he lost touch with reality as he has has created this fantasy... or, he is deliberately provoking you with malicious intent. I don’t know, but this is hurtful. Who would do this to another person? 

[LShalcy]

28 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Just wanted to summarize, not a single person in this discussion has said, you should hear him out. Every single person has said - end all communication - immediately! What he has done to you is horrible and while I understand why you are confused and struggling to accept this new reality, this is not a man you should ever trust again. 

I don’t know what to do if I don’t have him telling me it’s ok, I’m so hurt, I’m devastated, I’m not being present at work OR for my toddler I can’t focus on anything. 
 

it’s so easy to fall back into the same habits with him just texting, talking about the day, because it’s comfortable and doesn’t make me feel like I’m trapped in my skin and the world is changed and wrong now. 
 

I used to think people were overly dramatic when they talked about the devastation of something like this happening to them, but it’s a different kind of pain than physical pain and it’s too real.