After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[pepperbird2]

On 11/4/2021 at 8:32 PM, LShalcy said:

His daughter is definitely not his stepdaughter and he hasn’t had a vasectomy.

It just hasn’t happened.

and since everyone is pushing the “she wants to get pregnant to trap him” narrative, I would like to reiterate that HE is the one who bought that up during the conversation when I told him I couldn’t stay anymore as long as he stayed married.

After he told me he wanted to leave her, I kept asking if he was sure. That’s when he tells me that, “yes, he’s sure, he’s been sure ever since he’s realized he didn’t care about the consequences of me getting pregnant while he was still married because he wants me in his future and he wants to leave her”.

And of course I would be devastated if I did wind up pregnant and he didn’t leave his wife. 
 
 

 

 

and you think this sounds any better? there is no word for how selfish this idea is. that you woudl even consider it should be very concerning to you. please, please please take a minute and really think about this. I get t sounds loving and romantic, but what does t say about this man that, while he is still married and has two kids, he;s even considering bringing up you getting pregnant?
What sort of a person does that?

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, LShalcy said:

He’s talking to me in front of his wife not the other way around.  

And because he says he's doing this, it must be true. 

Right? 

[vla1120]

On 11/4/2021 at 1:00 PM, LShalcy said:

Yes, I am definitely not going to believe anything regarding his possible divorce until I see proof that he’s serious. I’m waiting until this weekend, when we can continue this discussion face-to-face, and he can tell me what his plans are.

Did you talk to him this weekend? What are his plans? 

On 11/4/2021 at 1:00 PM, LShalcy said:

I know it’s very rare, I know it’s not going to be easy,  but how many marriages end in divorce? Yes, there were massive red flags that I ignored,  but we genuinely love each other, I really believe that, and I’m willing to see what happens. I’m also concerned he’s at that point with his wife after only three years married (together around 6-7 I’m not sure), I feel that maybe he falls in love with someone quickly and maybe falls out of love just as quickly? 

This SHOULD be a concern for you. You could very well find yourself in the same position his wife is in right now, with his child, no less. Liars lie and cheaters cheat. He's not going to stop cheating just because he moves on to you. Besides, you'll never trust him. How could you, knowing he strung you along for two years?

You are better than this.

[Prudence V]

On 11/3/2021 at 5:53 PM, LShalcy said:

I would also know what to look for and would probably figure out pretty quickly he was lying to me. 
 

On 11/4/2021 at 6:29 PM, LShalcy said:

suffice it to say I believe what he told me and why he did what he did. 

You’re not seeing the contradiction here? 
You claim you’d know if he was lying, yet… he talks, you believe. 
 

This guy doesn’t even have to work for it. 

[Prudence V]

On 11/3/2021 at 5:46 PM, LShalcy said:

I’ll know he’s just lying again. 

Please, @LShalcy, explain to us what attracts you to this guy. He lied to your face every day for more than two years, showed zero remorse when you caught him out, used you as grown up day care to amuse himself when he had to look after his kid, and nearly lost you your job… but you still claim to be in love with him. What is the attraction here? It’s not his character, given how you’ve described him in this thread, so what is it? 

He’s not someone with great prospects - isn’t he a prison guard or something? That’s minimum wage work in these parts, and he’s going to be liable for spousal support and child support *if* he does ever divorce, which won’t leave him much. He’s probably got his eye on you supporting him financially - because of course, if he leaves, how can he afford another place on his wage? Will your salary stretch to supporting yourself, your kids, him, and possibly contributing to supporting his kid and (by then, perhaps x)wife - and any other GFs he’s stringing along on the dating app he lured you in on? Will you (ex?)H continue his level of child support if he knows you have another man living with you? Please consider how this will all affect your own financial situation. Especially if the R continues to wreak havoc on your emotional and working life, putting your own job in jeopardy. 
 

I get that you’re feeling attacked on this thread - but please look at that. Not a single person here is encouraging you, and that includes those of us who have been branded “affair cheerleaders” and those who are ourselves fOW who are now happily long-term married to our fMM. We are warning you not because we hate OW or don’t want to see any A work out, but because we see red flags everywhere, as do you, and we know you have a habit of ignoring them to your own detriment… so we’re trying to get you to act with your own best interests (and those of your kids) at heart when you seem determined not to. 

[Allupinnit]

OP did you lay out your plan together over the weekend?

[Prudence V]

On 11/4/2021 at 6:29 PM, LShalcy said:

Yes obviously I was devastated that he lied to me. I don’t even want to revisit my past posts - my head was so messed up, I was so hurt. 

obviously, we’ve talked at length about it. I don’t need to go into our conversations, but suffice it to say I believe what he told me and why he did what he did. 

OP have you read “The Psychopath”? It’s a true story, a little more extreme than yours in that he not only lied about his marital status, he went on to marry bigamously (with several OOW on the side who all believed they were in monogamous Rs with him) but what struck me about that guy and the MM who’s been lying to you for so long is that both manifest the same basic traits:
 

• neither has the slightest remorse about how they’ve treated the women in their lives
• both use other people as mere “things”, for their own selfish purposes
• both fake love convincingly while being incapable of real love
• both manage to convince women that they are really all that, and a bag of chips
• lying seems to come so naturally to both guys
• both are losers / failures at actual life
• both were happy to spawn multiple offspring with any old woman, to keep the woman dependant rather than out of actual love or wanting a family

This really doesn’t look like it’s going to end well for anyone. Except perhaps him - he’ll just cruise on to the next victim. 

 

 

[Prudence V]

On 11/8/2021 at 11:28 PM, Allupinnit said:

OP did you lay out your plan together over the weekend?

Would you believe anything he promised, after he lied solidly to OP every single day for two entire years? I wouldn’t. I’m sure in her heart of hearts, even OP would have difficulty really believing. 

[LShalcy]

1 hour ago, Prudence V said:

OP have you read “The Psychopath”? It’s a true story, a little more extreme than yours in that he not only lied about his marital status, he went on to marry bigamously (with several OOW on the side who all believed they were in monogamous Rs with him) but what struck me about that guy and the MM who’s been lying to you for so long is that both manifest the same basic traits:
 

• neither has the slightest remorse about how they’ve treated the women in their lives
• both use other people as mere “things”, for their own selfish purposes
• both fake love convincingly while being incapable of real love
• both manage to convince women that they are really all that, and a bag of chips
• lying seems to come so naturally to both guys
• both are losers / failures at actual life
• both were happy to spawn multiple offspring with any old woman, to keep the woman dependant rather than out of actual love or wanting a family

This really doesn’t look like it’s going to end well for anyone. Except perhaps him - he’ll just cruise on to the next victim. 

 

 

He actually has expressed remorse for lying to me and repeatedly tells me how sorry he is that he hurt me. 

[RebeccaR]

10 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

He actually has expressed remorse for lying to me and repeatedly tells me how sorry he is that he hurt me. 

When is he telling his wife he is leaving?

[LShalcy]

2 hours ago, Prudence V said:

Would you believe anything he promised, after he lied solidly to OP every single day for two entire years? I wouldn’t. I’m sure in her heart of hearts, even OP would have difficulty really believing. 

And yes we did talk and he said he is getting a divorce he is just scared and overwhelmed about what that entails: he said everything he’s read online says that men always end up worse in a divorce and he’s scared that his wife would make it hard for him to see his daughter. He’s also scared “of everything that could happen because it’s all unknown”, that this is what he has known for so long, he’s nervous and really scared.
 

I told him of course she can’t keep his daughter from him and I’ll be there to support him if he wants me go with him to a consultation. He says this is what he wants, his relationship with his wife is “a shell of what it was” and we deserve the chance to explore our relationship in the open. 

I haven’t given him a timeline, but when I see him this weekend we will talk about it further.

ETA: I told him of course he is going to have to tell his wife, he knows obviously. I am not telling him a date he has to do it by, but he knows I’m serious about walking away this time.

 

Edited November 18, 2021 by LShalcy

[vla1120]

24 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

And yes we did talk and he said he is getting a divorce he is just scared and overwhelmed about what that entails: he said everything he’s read online says that men always end up worse in a divorce and he’s scared that his wife would make it hard for him to see his daughter. He’s also scared “of everything that could happen because it’s all unknown”, that this is what he has known for so long, he’s nervous and really scared.

What a bunch of malarkey. This guy is good at deceit. He's just stringing you along.

 

24 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I told him of course she can’t keep his daughter from him and I’ll be there to support him if he wants me go with him to a consultation. He says this is what he wants, his relationship with his wife is “a shell of what it was” and we deserve the chance to explore our relationship in the open. 

Do you mean a consultation with an attorney? Because I would NOT recommend that you attend ANY consultations where his wife would be present. If you cannot trust this GROWN MAN to take care of these affairs (no pun intended) on his own without support from you, then you shouldn't be with him. If he WANTS to leave her, he will, and there will be nothing that can stop him if you are the "true love of his life." Right??

 

26 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I haven’t given him a timeline, but when I see him this weekend we will talk about it further.

ETA: I told him of course he is going to have to tell his wife, he knows obviously. I am not telling him a date he has to do it by, but he knows I’m serious about walking away this time.

I thought you were going to talk about this LAST weekend. It sounds like he is putting you off. Be prepared for the perpetual delays he's going to use as excuses for why he cannot tell his wife. 

 

[elaine567]

41 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

he said he is getting a divorce he is just scared and overwhelmed about what that entails: he said everything he’s read online says that men always end up worse in a divorce and he’s scared that his wife would make it hard for him to see his daughter. He’s also scared “of everything that could happen because it’s all unknown”, that this is what he has known for so long, he’s nervous and really scared.

He is not getting a divorce, sorry to say.

[LShalcy]

16 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

What a bunch of malarkey. This guy is good at deceit. He's just stringing you along.

 

Do you mean a consultation with an attorney? Because I would NOT recommend that you attend ANY consultations where his wife would be present. If you cannot trust this GROWN MAN to take care of these affairs (no pun intended) on his own without support from you, then you shouldn't be with him. If he WANTS to leave her, he will, and there will be nothing that can stop him if you are the "true love of his life." Right??

 

I thought you were going to talk about this LAST weekend. It sounds like he is putting you off. Be prepared for the perpetual delays he's going to use as excuses for why he cannot tell his wife. 

 

We did talk about it. Obviously this is going to be more than one conversation. 

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

He is not getting a divorce, sorry to say.

Talk is talk, words are easy. 

If you read between the lines here, to listen to what he is actually saying, he is not getting a divorce. It would be too inconvenient for him - men always end up worse off, it’s all unknown, he’s scared of his wife, he doesn’t want to lose full custody of his child… This is not a man who is prepared to file for divorce. 

The more convenient solution is to stay married and have an extramarital affair - that’s exactly what he has chosen to do. 

49 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

his relationship with his wife is “a shell of what it was”

Let’s not forget, this is the woman who he called “my love” when he spoke with her on the phone. It’s the woman with whom he spends his weekend, not having any time to spend with you on Sundays. Don’t kid yourself - 

[Allupinnit]

Yeah, this dude's not divorcing his wife.  Of course he's going to come out the loser when he leaves her for you - financially, time with his kid, stability of home life, etc. 

What do you think the divorce attorney is going to tell him when he shows up for a consult with the mistress?!  LOL

Legally she can't keep him from his daughter but he knows his wife and probably knows she's going to take him to the cleaners upon finding out about you, and he'll be paying out the ass for child support, alimony, etc. on top of now having to pay rent on a new apartment - all on a correction officer's salary?  Hell, I'd be terrified, too.

Eventually he will begin to view you as the "agent of destruction" when it comes to his cozy home life and marriage and the shine will begin to wane.  You're asking too much, now - it was supposed to be the fun and sex he was cruising for online.

 

[LShalcy]

9 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Let’s not forget, this is the woman who he called “my love” when he spoke with her on the phone. It’s the woman with whom he spends his weekend, not having any time to spend with you on Sundays. Don’t kid yourself - 

Actually, he didn’t address her as “my love” in front of me, that’s what she was saved as. 

not for nothing, that’s what he’s started calling me. 

 

[LShalcy]

9 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Eventually he will begin to view you as the "agent of destruction" when it comes to his cozy home life and marriage and the shine will begin to wane.  You're asking too much, now - it was supposed to be the fun and sex he was cruising for online.

If I was asking to much, he would tell me and I’m pretty sure we still wouldn’t be talking. I’m not forcing him to do anything or demand he do anything.
 

Yes, he told me he knows it would be hard but he’s willing to do it. 
 

[elaine567]

14 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

Actually, he didn’t address her as “my love” in front of me, that’s what she was saved as. 

not for nothing, that’s what he’s started calling me. 

Cringe.

At least he won't then get you two mixed up..
 

Edited November 18, 2021 by elaine567

[Allupinnit]

5 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

If I was asking to much, he would tell me and I’m pretty sure we still wouldn’t be talking. I’m not forcing him to do anything or demand he do anything.
 

Yes, he told me he knows it would be hard but he’s willing to do it. 
 

Divorcing his wife wasn't his idea, though - it was yours.

[Starswillshine]

18 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Cringe.

At least he won't then get you two mixed up..
 

I thought the same. 

In some cases, the MM does divorce and does start a real relationship with his AP. Not many cases and most are not successful in the long run. 

I don't understand being a grown woman continuing to pursue a relationship with someone who was married, yet scoping out women on online dating, lied to you for 2 years about his marital status, and has continued to string you along. 

This guy has shown you so many times the kind of man he is. Believe it. Why in the world do you want him? I get falling in love with people. I loved the hell out of my ex husband. But when I learned the truth of who he was.... it was not actually the person that I loved. It was based on lies. I ran. This guy is showing you, and you don't have a life invested with him now.... run girl!!!!!

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

Actually, he didn’t address her as “my love” in front of me, that’s what she was saved as. 

Does it really matter? 

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

not for nothing, that’s what he’s started calling me. 

I have no doubt that he does… It means nothing. She wears his ring, sleeps beside him every night, they share a child - 

He calls you by the same affectionate name that he shares with his wife - you have none of those other things. It means nothing. 

[BaileyB]

50 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Divorcing his wife wasn't his idea, though - it was yours.

No, his plan was to keep his marriage and his family intact AND have an affair partner in the side. 

You now know the truth and you have started to place demands and cause him stress… In his next affair, he will keep his relationship status a secret from his affair partner. Lesson learned. 

[BaileyB]

30 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

This guy is showing you, and you don't have a life invested with him now.... run girl!!!!!

Oh, but she does have a huge investment in the man - two+ years. As she previously said, she loves him and she has spent two years of her life with him and she does not want to start over… 

Personally, I would block him, change my number, move - whatever I needed to do to get away from this creep. But, that’s not what she has chosen to do. She believes him when he says he will divorce, if only she could hold his hand and get him to the lawyer…

[LShalcy]

12 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Oh, but she does have a huge investment in the man - two+ years. As she previously said, she loves him and she has spent two years of her life with him and she does not want to start over… 

Personally, I would block him, change my number, move - whatever I needed to do to get away from this creep. But, that’s not what she has chosen to do. She believes him when he says he will divorce, if only she could hold his hand and get him to the lawyer…

You’re absolutely right, I do have two years invested and I do love him and don’t wish to start over with anyone else - he has expressed the same interest and for what it’s worth - he mentioned divorce first, not me.

I don’t think I need to drag him to the lawyer but persistence is key, especially with his personality type. I’ve already stuck around long enough for him to tell me he loves me. I don’t get why people are knocking his fears over ending his marriage - it’s a huge thing to do, who would take that lightly? I’ve spoken to several people on other forums who are in my exact situation, and the MM in every situation are always freaked out at the prospect of upending their lives.