After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[BaileyB]

My advice is the same - you can not, you should not, trust a man who has lied to you in this way.

You have young children for whom you are responsible. It is totally irresponsible to bring a man that you can not trust into their home and into their lives. 

Despite what he may say, he is still married and he has not filed for divorce. How could you ever trust that he has filed for divorce - nothing stopping him from telling you that he has filed and continuing his relationship with his wife (a reversal of  roles, so to speak). 

This is not a win - he is no prize. 

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

he has no connection with her anymore.

Unless they are legally separated/divorced and he has moved out it's unfortunately more of the same 'we're like roommates" style empty promises.

[LShalcy]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unless they are legally separated/divorced and he has moved out it's unfortunately more of the same 'we're like roommates" style empty promises.

We just talked about it yesterday. He said he is leaving her and will be telling her he is moving out. I told him that I was leaving for good if he stayed married. I won’t continue unless he does move out.  
 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

We just talked about it yesterday. He said he is leaving her and will be telling her he is moving out. I told him that I was leaving for good if he stayed married. I won’t continue unless he does move out.  

Excellent. Don't let him camp out at your place or continue to use it as his free BnB or love nest. Mean what you say, say what you mean.

That is...nothing until he is legally separated (you have proof) And he has a new place you have seen/been invited to. Don't reward lies by sticking around. 

He can look for an attorney and a place on his own time and without sex/love from you. No divorce/new place?... no sex/love. It's that simple. Respect yourself.

[elaine567]

8 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

He said he is leaving her and will be telling her he is moving out.

He said...

[Luna66star]

I'm sorry but you have been duped by a dishonest and disloyal man.  He withheld the fact he's married!

He would do the same to you when it gets rough between you.  There are always ups and downs in every relationship.

Please walk away from this deceitful man!

 

[BaileyB]

17 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I won’t continue unless he does move out.  

Prove it.

17 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

We just talked about it yesterday. He said he is leaving her and will be telling her he is moving out.

Has he actually told her? Has he found another place and signed the lease? Has he bought furniture? Found a lawyer? Filed for divorce? What’s his agreement related to shared custody? 

 

[LShalcy]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Prove it.

Has he actually told her? Has he found another place and signed the lease? Has he bought furniture? Found a lawyer? Filed for divorce? What’s his agreement related to shared custody? 

 

I just initiated this conversation yesterday. Yesterday was the first day he explicitly told me that, yes, he will be leaving her. So I wouldn’t expect he could have done all that in a day. I’ve been struggling with the relationship and could no longer take the fact that he’s married. Stupidly, I know, I haven’t before told him that he needs to divorce her if he wants to be with me. I did tell him things like, I can’t share anymore etc, but never came right out and told him he has to divorce her (again, I know, my stupidity). 

when we see each other this weekend, he said we’ll talk more about it and I’m going to be giving him deadlines and dates. If he doesn’t comply, then I’ll know he’s just lying again. 
 

 

[notbroken]

He is a known liar and cheat (to both you and his wife).   Not so sure he is 'the prize'.   Go absolutely no contact with him until you see the divorce completed.   Even then, consider if you are willing to be with a man that would lie to both you and his wife.   Won't you always question his honesty?   Honestly, my advice is to move on - no matter what he does. 

[LShalcy]

1 minute ago, notbroken said:

He is a known liar and cheat (to both you and his wife).   Not so sure he is 'the prize'.   Go absolutely no contact with him until you see the divorce completed.   Even then, consider if you are willing to be with a man that would lie to both you and his wife.   Won't you always question his honesty?   Honestly, my advice is to move on - no matter what he does. 

Yes, I would absolutely always question his honesty. Especially since I’ve been there when he has lied to his wife, and done it very convincingly. But I would also know what to look for and would probably figure out pretty quickly he was lying to me. 
 

honestly, I seriously question if it’s the right thing moving forwards with him (if he does what he says), but Im too much in love with him to not try

[elaine567]

He has a 4 year old daughter.
Leaving I guess is not going to be easy for him.
The daughter also means his wife will now always be in your life... let's hope she doesn't hate you...
Think very carefully about what you really want here, before he blows up his life and hurts people irrevocably.
It is very easy to want to "win" him, but is he really what you want?
How could you ever really trust him?  for starters...

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I just initiated this conversation yesterday. I wouldn’t expect he could have done all that in a day. 

You discovered he was married, months ago. And he has been lying to you about the fact that he is married, for two years. If he wanted to be with you, why did he wait for you to tell him yesterday that he needs to leave his wife. Why has he not done so in the past two and a half years that you’ve known the man? 

6 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

He explicitly told me that, yes, he will be leaving her.

And you rather foolishly believe him…

 

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, LShalcy said:

honestly, I seriously question if it’s the right thing moving forwards with him (if he does what he says), but Im too much in love with him to not try

Same old, same old. 

If you must make a choice between your heart and your head, use your head. 

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

when we see each other this weekend, he said we’ll talk more about it

Suggest you meet at his house with his wife there so he "can talk about it more" and she's in on the conversation.

[LShalcy]

22 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You discovered he was married, months ago. And he has been lying to you about the fact that he is married, for two years. If he wanted to be with you, why did he wait for you to tell him yesterday that he needs to leave his wife. Why has he not done so in the past two and a half years that you’ve known the man? 

And you rather foolishly believe him…

 

I also foolishly haven’t nagged him about it or pressed the issue

It got to the point yesterday where I couldn’t take it anymore. 

[elaine567]

10 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

f you must make a choice between your heart and your head, use your head. 

Especially since there are kids involved...

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Especially since there are kids involved...

Most definitely.

[glows]

49 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

Yes, I would absolutely always question his honesty. Especially since I’ve been there when he has lied to his wife, and done it very convincingly. But I would also know what to look for and would probably figure out pretty quickly he was lying to me. 
 

honestly, I seriously question if it’s the right thing moving forwards with him (if he does what he says), but Im too much in love with him to not try

Does that mean that you live in fear around him if you always question his honesty? I would find this hard to accept as love. How do you reconcile that?

[vla1120]

I think you are making a mistake by trusting him enough to stay in a relationship with you. He lied to you for two years. You've known now for months, but nothing has changed. Now, with pressure from you, he "said" he is going to leave her for you. Now will come all the excuses - he can't walk away from his daughter. His wife needs him to stay and help with his daughter, yada, yada, yada. Judge him by his actions, not by his words. His actions have proven him to be a very convincing liar who had NO problem lying to his wife on a daily basis while stringing you along for TWO YEARS. I would have walked away on DAY ONE when I found out he had lied to me for two years, and used his child to attract me. However, this is your life. 

I'll tell you what I told my daugher when she (unknowingly) fell for a married man who lied to her from day one. He's a cheater. Cheaters cheat. He cheated with you on his wife. What makes you think he's not going to cheat on you with someone else? He cannot be trusted. That much you DO know without question.

[elaine567]

30 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I also foolishly haven’t nagged him about it or pressed the issue

It got to the point yesterday where I couldn’t take it anymore. 

Why would it be up to you to nag him about leaving his wife?
If I were you I think I would be happier had he came to that conclusion all on his own.. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

Yes, I would absolutely always question his honesty. Especially since I’ve been there when he has lied to his wife, and done it very convincingly. But I would also know what to look for and would probably figure out pretty quickly he was lying to me. 

Well, no. It took you two years to catch to the fact that he is married. Your BS-detector isn't very good. 

But even if he does leave and come to you, you're getting the booby prize. His wife will walk away the winner, because she will have shed this poor excuse for a man.

[LShalcy]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Suggest you meet at his house with his wife there so he "can talk about it more" and she's in on the conversation.

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

Call his bluff. You know he's stringing you along and of course needs to come to your place to "discuss it", right?

It's not Halloween anymore so don't treat him of he's just tricking you.

Do Not Invite him to your home. "Discuss it" in a neutral setting. Not same old come to the love nest with more lies and games.

Edited November 3, 2021 by Wiseman2

[LShalcy]

21 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Well, no. It took you two years to catch to the fact that he is married. Your BS-detector isn't very good. 

But even if he does leave and come to you, you're getting the booby prize. His wife will walk away the winner, because she will have shed this poor excuse for a man.

I was actually pretty sure something was up before I confronted him. And I’m very familiar with the things he does to have continued our affair for so long without being detected - so therefore I would know what to look for with his behavior. 

Edited November 3, 2021 by LShalcy

[Snakesalive]

3 hours ago, LShalcy said:

it. I told him I don’t want to pressure him,

Except you are. You really don’t want him -especially on these terms . Let’s just say he leaves -this is not the two of you going off into the sunset together this is a whole lot more complicated than you can ever imagine-it’s not an extension of the fantasy you’ve been living in it’s real life . Men like these are often conflict avoidant-my ex mm was exactly that , he came across as being a very strong character but was actually very weak in many ways and when things blew up between us after we’d left our respective marriages he played the victim card , saying he was confused -pretty sad and pathetic really 

Do you want to be always wondering where he is , checking  his phone, wondering if he will go back to his wife with who he has children and  a shared history? And if he throws in the -“you gave me an ultimatum”you  forced me to choose  , I was confused etc etc “ you’ll realise as others have said he is no prize , there are no winners in this. 
 

The good news is you can come out of this stronger , start respecting yourself again , stop hiding in  the shadows , stop making poor choices , stop disrupting lives but you have to start the journey -it will be tough but believe me ending this and not looking back is the only way to start really living your best life. 

 

Edited November 3, 2021 by Snakesalive