After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[Timshel]

1 hour ago, vla1120 said:

So, this guy DESTROYED your self-esteem, and yet you are still hanging around him like a lost puppy, taking any scrap of affection or attention he'll throw your way.

No, this guy did not destroy her self-esteem, if she had some before he met her, this thread would not exist. The responsibility is equal and it is typical that people who are dysfunctional attract each other. It isn't more complicated than this.

[JRabbit]

On 7/12/2021 at 8:48 PM, LShalcy said:

I guess thats how he’s been able to cheat on his wife for their entire marriage without her knowing.

This is a big assumption. She probably knows and has accepted it sadly.

[JRabbit]

17 hours ago, LShalcy said:

the problem is, I tend to attract the wrong type of guys. I attract the guys who maybe put a lot of emphasis on looks and maybe aren’t really looking to settle down or they maybe just want another girl to sleep with for a night and want to see if they can. Sometimes these guys will lie and tell me they are single when in fact they may have already have a girlfriend.

These are literally the same as your MM yet you see them differently.

[basil67]

21 hours ago, LShalcy said:

the problem is, I tend to attract the wrong type of guys. I attract the guys who maybe put a lot of emphasis on looks and maybe aren’t really looking to settle down or they maybe just want another girl to sleep with for a night and want to see if they can. Sometimes these guys will lie and tell me they are single when in fact they may have already have a girlfriend. So of course, those never go anywhere and last only a few months if that long. These guys always don’t want to deal with kids - and I have two. 

This is a very passive way of approaching the problem.  It's like you're saying that bad guys are attracted to you due to no fault of your own.  Truth is, you don't attract them any more than the rest of us do....those guys will go with anyone who doesn't say "no".   The real problem is that you choose to not walk away when the truth is discovered...or in the past, you're choosing to overlook red flags.

The solution lies in you being more discerning in who you have a relationship with.  And yes, some will make everything seem fine and slip under a woman's radar, so then the onus is on her to end it as soon as it becomes apparent that he's not offering what she wants.  

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

This is a very passive way of approaching the problem.  It's like you're saying that bad guys are attracted to you due to no fault of your own.  Truth is, you don't attract them any more than the rest of us do....those guys will go with anyone who doesn't say "no".   The real problem is that you choose to not walk away when the truth is discovered...or in the past, you're choosing to overlook red flags.

yup! The problem is not the men, it is the woman who choses them. The woman who does not learn from her mistakes, and repeats them over, and over, again…

Edited July 16, 2021 by BaileyB

[HadMeOverABarrel]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

Truth is, you don't attract them any more than the rest of us do....those guys will go with anyone who doesn't say "no".   The real problem is that you choose to not walk away when the truth is discovered

Bulls-eye!

[ExpatInItaly]

On 7/15/2021 at 4:50 AM, LShalcy said:

I tend to attract the wrong type of guys. I attract the guys who maybe put a lot of emphasis on looks and maybe aren’t really looking to settle down or they maybe just want another girl to sleep with for a night and want to see if they can.

Most of us attract guys like this at some point in our lives. 

You just don't say no to them. 

[Prudence V]

On 7/15/2021 at 3:50 AM, LShalcy said:

why I’m not enough for him

Because he sees you - and probably all women- as being equal to only a fraction of himself. You are worthy of only a part of a person (himself - as he told you when you mentioned dating other guys) while he is entitled to as many women as he wants - 100% of each of them, all of them. He literally measures your worth as a fraction of his own. You can whine about that, but by continuing to play his game you are agreeing to his rules, and that’s one of them. 
 

On 7/15/2021 at 3:50 AM, LShalcy said:

What could I do differently to make him want only me?

That ship sailed when you discovered (or first suspected) he was married, and agreed to be his part-time amusement. 
 

On 7/15/2021 at 3:50 AM, LShalcy said:

I tend to attract the wrong type of guys.

So this is a pattern. Tell us again why you are so resistant to counselling?

 

On 7/15/2021 at 3:50 AM, LShalcy said:

Sometimes these guys will lie and tell me they are single when in fact they may have already have a girlfriend.

So you’re a habitual OW. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing - it’s some people’s preferred way of relating - but you choose it repeatedly, and then whine about it. You know what professionals say - if banning your head against the wall hurts, the stop banging your head against the wall. Make different choices. 
 

On 7/15/2021 at 3:50 AM, LShalcy said:

These guys always don’t want to deal with kids - and I have two. 

Of course they don’t - you’ve already stated that they’re not “quality” guys. 
 

So you have a choice - keep on attracting, and settling for, trash - and them complaining when trash treats you like trash, or clean up your act and appeal to a better class of man. But as long as you consider you’re only worth trash, that’s all you’ll attract, all you’ll get, and all your daughters are going to believe they’re worth, too. I hope you choose wisely - for them, if you don’t feel you can do it for yourself. 

[Prudence V]

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Most of us attract guys like this at some point in our lives. 

They’re like flies, hovering around anyone who doesn’t swat them away. Attracting them isn’t a feat - and submitting to their advances less so. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 7/14/2021 at 10:50 PM, LShalcy said:

I’m guessing she decided they had to do something and of course she comes first. 

...until the day you decide you do (i.e. come first).

Hope that day comes sooner than later. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

OP, all this talk about how you're a victim attracting the wrong types of guys when really it's pretty simple to fix.

First you have to want to. 

Second, you have to learn to recognize the traits/red flags. 

Third, you have to decide you won't engage persons with these traits.

And finally, fourth, you have to back up that choice with actions.

So far, you're resistant to learning to recognize the traits to avoid. So, you don't want to attract better because your unwilling to do your own homework or housekeeping (choosing instead to wallow in your victimhood and complaining about it). Thus you can't advance on to steps three and four when you won't even do steps one and two. 

See how simple it really is? It is only as complicated as you choose to make it. It starts with your choice!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Also, it's pretty clear to me (although to be fair you may not be cognizant of it), you feel you are being rewarded to stay in your victimhood. Could be it gets you attention, could be a convenient excuse of why you're not obtaining something better for yourself or reaching your goals, could be a cover for your fears of intimacy...there are a gazillion reasons people cling to their victimhood rather than rebirthing themselves. 

The moment you decide NOT being a victim will bring more reward than being one is the moment your whole world will change. 

[Allupinnit]

On 7/16/2021 at 3:37 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Most of us attract guys like this at some point in our lives. 

You just don't say no to them. 

OMG right!  Married men hit on me a LOT!  They are shameless.

[pepperbird2]

On 7/16/2021 at 1:27 PM, Prudence V said:

They’re like flies, hovering around anyone who doesn’t swat them away. Attracting them isn’t a feat - and submitting to their advances less so. 

The trick is being able to recognize these men ( and women too). It's not always easy, but it can be done.

[pepperbird2]

On 7/14/2021 at 11:45 AM, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Hey sister, have you seen what some of those lovely pieces of swampland in Florida have turned into? I'm thinking to buy up some more of it.

meh, between the heat and the freakin' humidity up here, we may as well be in florida, but I digress,lol.

[pepperbird2]

OP,

Why do you think you fell for this guy? I don't mean the "fluff" stuff , but what about him attracted you? Did you notice any negatives and ignored them? If you think you did, why? I'm asking because it might be a start for you to find out why you make the choices you do.

Understanding him and his motives may prove worthless-you can't control what he does-only he can do that. In the end, his behaviour is hurting you-do the "whys" even matter anymore?

[ExpatInItaly]

58 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

Did you notice any negatives and ignored them?

For some reason, she won't answer this question. 

It's been asked multiple times on this thread and she never really responds. Several posters have asked her very specific questions about their history and how this relationship unfolded. She does not reply to those questions. My assumption (and yes, just an assumption) is that she's known he is married for quite a while - longer than this thread has existed. 

Edited July 18, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[jspice]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

For some reason, she won't answer this question. 

It's been asked multiple times on this thread and she never really responds. Several posters have asked her very specific questions about their history and how this relationship unfolded. She does not reply to those questions. My assumption (and yes, just an assumption) is that she's known he is married for quite a while - longer than this thread has existed. 

Knew from the start and then discovered the wife’s Facebook page that showed he’s actually a “dedicated husband” and the wife is not the crazy hag he said she was. 

[Prudence V]

19 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

she's known he is married for quite a while - longer than this thread has existed. 

If the only guys she does attract are low-quality liars, she’d have had every reason to be suspicious of this guy, too - right from the outset. Which leaves three possibilities:

1) she suspected, but didn’t really care, because that’s what she’s used to, and what she thinks she’s worth; 

2) she suspected, but fancied him, so was prepared to brush aside her concerns in her eagerness to have even a bit of him (or her desperation / fear of being alone / some other issue she’s not prepared to face, yet);

3) he’s a really good con-artist, and had her thoroughly fooled. However, if this was the case, her shock, disappointment and anger on discovery would surely have sent him crashing to the kerb. It didn’t. Which makes this option a little less likely, IMO. If someone were to lie to me like that, so deliberately, consideredly, and consistently for two entire years simply to appease his own need for dirty videos and cheap thrills, my anger would have fried him to a crisp, I’d have reported his fraud to the dating platform, and taken legal action to ensure those videos were destroyed. I’d have gone to enormous lengths to protect myself, my career and my kids… as I think most women would. Yet OP continues to view him as a serious prospect. This option strikes me as less and less likely, as this thread progresses. 
 

I don’t  know why OP is so resistant to counselling - she’s refused to answer that - but given her position, her persistent history of poor relationship choices and her admission of being alone, vulnerable and lacking a social support system, Imreally do think it would benefit not just her but her kids. 

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, jspice said:

Knew from the start and then discovered the wife’s Facebook page that showed he’s actually a “dedicated husband” and the wife is not the crazy hag he said she was. 

That's more or less my theory as well. 

Started as an affair (knowing he was married) and she got upset when she realized he wasn't going to leave his wife and continued to live a "happy" life at home.  

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That's more or less my theory as well. 

Started as an affair (knowing he was married) and she got upset when she realized he wasn't going to leave his wife and continued to live a "happy" life at home.  

Unfortunately it just sounds like the way these thing typically turn out.  Except for 2 OW on this forum, this just always seems to play out the same way.

[Prudence V]

On 7/19/2021 at 8:48 PM, stillafool said:

Unfortunately it just sounds like the way these thing typically turn out.  Except for 2 OW on this forum, this just always seems to play out the same way.

more than 2, but there are pretty big differences between those that “work out”, in the sense of the MM and the OW getting together FT, and the others. Being lied to consistently for two years, being treated poorly and used for cheap thrills are not the hallmarks of EMRs that transition to LTRs. 

[Jyklle]

All great advice here. 
 

I’ll add that it’s not always easy to walk away. People tend to forget that emotions involved for two years isn’t as easy as, block and walk. I understand. 
 

I was in a similar situation when I was younger. I was deceived by a married man. Let me tell you… it doesn’t end well. When, not if but when, his wife finds out… it won’t be pretty for you. Unfortunately lots of times when this happens, when reality happens, he will chose his wife and family.  No matter what he tells you… you can’t possibly trust him. 
 

believe me, I’m trying to save you heart ache,

[LShalcy]

Hi all, I haven’t posted on here in months. I posted about being in a relationship with a married man and not discovering his marriage until two years in. There have been a few developments and just looking for different perspectives.

i have stayed with him all these months despite my misgivings and the anxiety the relationship brings me. I’ve attempted to leave him more than once, but he always drags me back in. We’ve done more as a couple, I’ve met some of his friends, we’ve admitted we love each other. We tell each other it everyday. 
 

this weekend I told him he had to choose, I could no longer be with him when he’s with her, and if he wants me, he has to leave her. I figured he would be vague as always (I need time, yes I want you etc etc). I’ve been struggling with the fact that he’s with her, and it’s been putting me in a really bad mental space the past several weeks. I told him I needed to clear my head, I can’t do this with him anymore, I love him and will think of him but I can’t do it. 

Surprisingly, shockingly, he tells me he’s leaving her for me, he wants a future with me, a baby with me, he doesn’t love her anymore, he has no connection with her anymore. We talked over an hour, texted all day, he says it’s going to be complicated but this is what he wants. I told him the first step is to tell her, because she’s going to try to beg him to stay. He says, yes he is going to tell her, it’s going to be hard but it’s what he wants. 
 

Am I wrong for wanting and believing this? I begged him to only tell me this if he means it, he says yes, he means it. I told him I don’t want to pressure him, but he needs to tell her ASAP because we’re not hiding anymore - he agreed. He says I’m not pressuring him and he’s going to tell her.

thoughts?

Edited November 3, 2021 by LShalcy

[glows]

You've been under the impression that he's believable for two years because you were duped or lied to. It may be difficult now but you don't have to keep believing what he says. Change that belief about him. He's not believable any longer. I went through something similar, much different context, and while it did take time to wipe off the rose coloured lenses, indeed they did come off. I already knew in my brain what my heart didn't want to accept. Acceptance may come later.

I hope you have the strength to move on and leave this situation.