After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[vla1120]

12 hours ago, LShalcy said:

Yes, I did think this was kind of high school but he says it’s because whenever he goes out she  is always calling and checking up on him and it’s just easier not to deal with her. He also says she calls even if he’s just going to the store real quick and he feels as if he’s timed as soon as he leaves the house.

So, regardless of all her seemingly unsuspecting posts on FB, she really DOES have suspicions, obviously.

12 hours ago, LShalcy said:

He also swore on his daughter that he hasn’t met anyone on the dating app after he met me but who knows. 

He swore on his innocent daughter? What a chump! He has lied to you from day one. Do you REALLY believe him now??? Also, I find it comical that he has the audacity to act jealous that you are meeting other men. He's got some nerve.

[Crazelnut]

It's clear that you will stay his mistress, no matter what heinous truth he admits, no matter how horrible he is to every woman in his life. You have willfully chosen to be the OW to a detestable MM. You have no one to blame but yourself.  

[Bittersweetie]

16 hours ago, LShalcy said:

And when I look at his wife’s Facebook I can tell she has no clue.

Because we all know that Facebook is an actual reflection of reality.

FWIW, after my d-day, my H was always calling and texting me when I was out. Because I had broken his trust. So if MM's wife is always calling and texting, there is probably a reason for that kind of behavior and he's reframing it to you as "controlling."

[Starswillshine]

4 minutes ago, Bittersweetie said:

So if MM's wife is always calling and texting, there is probably a reason for that kind of behavior and he's reframing it to you as "controlling."

My xWH painted me as such as well. 

One day, I got a peek into his mind when he went off on some rant on me. He traveled for work a lot, and I would ask for skype calls. During an argument, he said that I was just trying to make sure that there were no girls in his room. I was like, "Huh? I just wanted to see my husband." It should have been a clue and a red flag.... (that yes he was cheating and the issue with the skype call was that he had to remove the woman). I was just innocently trying to stay connected to my husband while he was gone. Big, bad controlling wife I was. lol

[NYAG]

On 7/13/2021 at 2:38 AM, LShalcy said:

Yes, I did think this was kind of high school but he says it’s because whenever he goes out she  is always calling and checking up on him and it’s just easier not to deal with her. He also says she calls even if he’s just going to the store real quick and he feels as if he’s timed as soon as he leaves the house.

 

 

Oh man, she so knows something is going on. It's only a matter of time....

[Wiseman2]

You'll keep doing this until you get sick of it.

Good you're spending time with your family.

Sooner or later you'll see happy couples and families around you and you'll wonder why you're putting up with this half-man.

When that lightening bolt strikes, you'll be ready to date a decent man.

[Crazelnut]

2 hours ago, NYAG said:

Oh man, she so knows something is going on. It's only a matter of time....

Yep, and she's going to find his little stash of videos and figure out who you are, and then you can kiss your career goodbye. 

[pepperbird2]

On 7/12/2021 at 10:38 PM, LShalcy said:

Yes, I did think this was kind of high school but he says it’s because whenever he goes out she  is always calling and checking up on him and it’s just easier not to deal with her. He also says she calls even if he’s just going to the store real quick and he feels as if he’s timed as soon as he leaves the house.
 

It was a lot, especially since he’s never even mentioned her to me before aside from admitting she existed. but I guess if I were her I would be the same because she possibly does have her suspicions. He also swore on his daughter that he hasn’t met anyone on the dating app after he met me but who knows. 
 

 

I almost spit out my morning coffee reading this. You can't really be buying into this tripe? he cna't go out, she keeps him on such a short leash, yet somehow hes managed to cheat on her with you and who knows how many others?

Riiigggghhhhttt......and I've got  a lovely piece of swampland in Florida I'd like to sell you.

[Prudence V]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sooner or later you'll see happy couples and families around you and you'll wonder why you're putting up with this half-man.

When that lightening bolt strikes, you'll be ready to date a decent man.

Or, hopefully, to take some time out and enjoy being single. Learn to be happy without a man. When you are in a strong position, not *needing* a man, perhaps you’ll be less likely to be tempted into yet another toxic relationship. 

[Pumpernickel]

I’m not sure if @LShalcy uses this affair as pure entertainment, until she’s ready for a real relationship, or if she thinks this man and her have a special thing going that’ll eventually lead to an official relationship. I could understand if she saw it as some kind of a no strings attached game between them, but not if she expected more. 

[elaine567]

I guess as she thought she was legitimately dating him for 2 years, prior to the reveal,  it was not just NSA sex.. 

[Allupinnit]

Just now, elaine567 said:

I guess as she thought she was legitimately dating him for 2 years, prior to the reveal,  it was not just NSA sex.. 

I honestly doubt this.

[elaine567]

5 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

I honestly doubt this.

You could be right, some non standard attitudes have been voiced I must say.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

39 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

Riiigggghhhhttt......and I've got  a lovely piece of swampland in Florida I'd like to sell you.

Hey sister, have you seen what some of those lovely pieces of swampland in Florida have turned into? I'm thinking to buy up some more of it.

[Pumpernickel]

8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I guess as she thought she was legitimately dating him for 2 years, prior to the reveal,  it was not just NSA sex.. 

Yes, that’s why I’m wondering. You can’t start a legit R with somebody who deceived you for 2 years. I would even be too proud to have a loose FWB relationship with somebody like that, but she’s not me, so I could understand it if they did the FWB thing after the s*** hit the fan. 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Pumpernickel said:

 

I’m not sure if @LShalcy uses this affair as pure entertainment

 

In her last post, I saw this shift. It is now hard to say who is using who - 

[pepperbird2]

op,

just a question, but how do you feel about yourself? do you feel you are attractive, have a lot to offer, are kind, loyal, loving, that sort of thing?

I'm asking because I can't understand why you stay with this guy. Don't you feel you can do better for yourself? If you don't mind a piece of advice, I would work on myself- get yourself to a place where you feel 100 percent happy in your own skin and are a-okay being on your own. Do that, and any guy you'll be with will be in your life because you want him to be and he makes it better, not worse.

[Doorstopper]

On 7/12/2021 at 9:38 PM, LShalcy said:

He also swore on his daughter that he hasn’t met anyone on the dating app after he met me but who knows. 

Did he use those exact words? Because to me that sounds like someone who has me others on other aps or in other places.

I want to caution you that you could potentially spoil a new relationship. If they find out that you were dating a married man who tricked you, but then found out that he was married, and continued to date him. Are you going to hide that fact? A "nice" guy with strong moral character might not be ok with that fact. 

[LShalcy]

5 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

op,

just a question, but how do you feel about yourself? do you feel you are attractive, have a lot to offer, are kind, loyal, loving, that sort of thing?

I'm asking because I can't understand why you stay with this guy. Don't you feel you can do better for yourself? If you don't mind a piece of advice, I would work on myself- get yourself to a place where you feel 100 percent happy in your own skin and are a-okay being on your own. Do that, and any guy you'll be with will be in your life because you want him to be and he makes it better, not worse.

This whole situation with MM has taken a huge hit to my self esteem. I know I do have a lot to offer but I’ve been doubting myself as to why I’m not enough for him. What could I do differently to make him want only me? His wife and I are not complete opposites, but we’re different enough for me to wonder and compare. I definitely don’t dress like her (horrible), and I wonder if he likes that better? 

But yes, I know I am attractive (I’m only just answering because you asked), and I’ve never, since middle school I would say, had a problem attracting guys. To be honest, if I wasn’t in a relationship, I always had several guys that I could call up to go out with or if I was bored for a night. And besides my kids father, I haven’t been in any long term relationships. I would say the longest has been maybe 2 years so this whole “thing” with MM is pretty high up there in terms of an attachment to one person. 

the problem is, I tend to attract the wrong type of guys. I attract the guys who maybe put a lot of emphasis on looks and maybe aren’t really looking to settle down or they maybe just want another girl to sleep with for a night and want to see if they can. Sometimes these guys will lie and tell me they are single when in fact they may have already have a girlfriend. So of course, those never go anywhere and last only a few months if that long. These guys always don’t want to deal with kids - and I have two. 
 

if I’m being honest I would say that I have formed such a strong attachment to MM because he told me everything I’ve been wanting to hear forever and made all the promises I wanted to hear after all these other guys. He made an effort with me and made me think he really cared.  he insists that everything he ever said was the truth (except marriage?), meaning he would have chosen me and he wants to be with me.
 

We had an argument this morning because he had to cancel our plans for tonight, saying he couldn’t, but I told him yes he could, he just won’t and I haven’t responded to him since. It’s a beautiful night, we could have went out by the water but no, instead he’s out with her and I’m home. I’m guessing she decided they had to do something and of course she comes first. 

 

[basil67]

15 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

What could I do differently to make him want only me? His wife and I are not complete opposites, but we’re different enough for me to wonder and compare. I definitely don’t dress like her (horrible), and I wonder if he likes that better? 

We had an argument this morning because he had to cancel our plans for tonight, saying he couldn’t, but I told him yes he could, he just won’t and I haven’t responded to him since. It’s a beautiful night, we could have went out by the water but no, instead he’s out with her and I’m home. I’m guessing she decided they had to do something and of course she comes first. 

Why would he leave his wife for you when he can have both her and you on the side?   About the only thing you could have done to make him leave her and choose you would have been showing you have the self worth to walk away when you found out he was married.  Something like "I'd really like this to work, but I cannot do this while you're still married".   Thing is, while you're giving him attention and sex, he doesn't need to leave his wife.  

I don't know why you're being mean about his wife - she's done nothing to deserve it.  Criticising her clothes makes you sound petty, and saying that "she decided they had to do something" is completely unnecessary.  She's his wife - so of course she comes first!  If he didn't want to spend time with her, he would have left her.   For all you know, he just wants to spend a night with the family and later, snuggling on the sofa with her.  

Edited July 15, 2021 by basil67

[LynneVicious]

16 minutes ago, basil67 said:

About the only thing you could have done to make him leave her and choose you would have been showing you have the self worth to walk away when you found out he was married.

Bingo 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, LShalcy said:

It’s a beautiful night, we could have went out by the water but no, instead he’s out with her and I’m home. I’m guessing she decided they had to do something and of course she comes first. 

Well, yeah. Of course. 

You don't come first. His wife does. Not sure why you're salty about it when you're now choosing it. You have nobody to be mad at but yourself at this point. 

[Allupinnit]

Careful, OP.  You're starting to sound like too much trouble.  You can't start acting like the jealous gf.  Getting canceled on for the family comes w the territory of being the OW.  

[vla1120]

So, this guy DESTROYED your self-esteem, and yet you are still hanging around him like a lost puppy, taking any scrap of affection or attention he'll throw your way. THIS is exactly when you need to tell him to PACK SAND, block him, and start dating other men. That would be step one in regaining your self-esteem. Attracting the "wrong type of guy" is also a symptom of a self-esteem issue. Let me ask you this - when your daughter is old enough to date, what type of guy do you want her to date? If you do not deem the types of guys you date good enough for your daughter, then they are NOT good enough for you! If you exude confidence and a keen self-awareness, then you will attract the right type of men and you will kick to the curb anyone who does not meet your criteria. Set the same high standards for yourself that you would set for your daughter. You deserve nothing less than what you would want for her.

[pepperbird2]

I think guys like him can pick up on people who already have self esteem issues and they do their damnedest to reinforce these negative views. I don't know if it's intentional or not, but they seem to do their best to erode their OW ( and wife's as well) self esteem so they don't think they can do any better.

Op, you are doing this guy a huge favour. You are a therapist, escape hatch etc., and he has to put in very little (if any) "sweat equity" to keep you. For all you add to his life, what does he add to yours? Complications, sadness, loneliness?

I happen to think you are worth better. I hope you can see that too.