After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[BaileyB]

If anything your daughter’s learn from watching their mother in relationships, I hope you daughters learn to love themselves in such a way that they do not need validation from men. I hope they learn that it’s ok to be single, that one does not need a man to be happy. 

[LShalcy]

5 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

If anything your daughter’s learn from watching their mother in relationships, I hope you daughters learn to love themselves in such a way that they do not need validation from men. I hope they learn that it’s ok to be single, that one does not need a man to be happy. 

Here’s where you’re mistaken, because I don’t need a man to be happy. But obviously if I want a solid relationship I will have to be dating. And my 13 year old knows this. She loves her father but she knows we are not good together.  

 

so my kids are FINE. 

Edited July 11, 2021 by LShalcy

[BaileyB]

17 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I don’t need a man to be happy.

You are of course free to believe whatever you wish, but these are the facts as we know them. 

You have a (if my memory serves me) two and a half year old and you’ve been in a relationship with MM for two years…

You are STILL in a relationship with a married man who has lied to you for two years about his identity, who you now know to be a serial cheat. If one was to read back on your previous posts, it’s quite clear that you have been desperate to cling to this relationship because you did not want to be alone. 

Then, there is the virtual stranger that you “dated” by going to his home and having unprotected sex. 

And this week, there are two other men - while you continue to make plans with your married man because he is such a dreamboat…

I’m running out of fingers…

Edited July 11, 2021 by BaileyB

[HadMeOverABarrel]

5 hours ago, LShalcy said:

Here’s where you’re mistaken, because I don’t need a man to be happy. But obviously if I want a solid relationship I will have to be dating. And my 13 year old knows this. She loves her father but she knows we are not good together.  

 

so my kids are FINE. 

Unfortunately it seems Bailey's comment triggered you to the point you missed imo the most important point, which is your daughter is looking to you to model what an adult romantic relationship looks like. What you're doing will impact every romantic relationship she will ever have in her life. I can speak from experience on that--my mother did not set proper boundaries at a critical time in my development. I lost respect for her (I'm guessing your daughter will too).  It definitely affected my beliefs about men and relationships well into my adult life. 

You are not helping her learn how to form healthy attachments.  I believe you struggle with understanding what healthy attachment and emotional dependence look like for yourself.  

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 7/10/2021 at 5:37 PM, LShalcy said:

He told me that his wife knows nothing about his affairs because he can be very convincing

because he can be very convincing

Umm, shouldn't this tell you something?? Don't you think he's also "very convincing" with you, too?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 7/10/2021 at 5:37 PM, LShalcy said:

He insisted that after he met me, he wasn’t on the site at all anymore because he “found what he was looking for” and didn’t have to look anymore.

Have you considered why this is? Why you're the 'lucky' one? Hint: it's not so he can make you his wife (obviously).

[Softlywhisperss]

28 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

because he can be very convincing

Umm, shouldn't this tell you something?? Don't you think he's also "very convincing" with you, too?

Very true!

[elaine567]

3 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Have you considered why this is? Why you're the 'lucky' one? Hint: it's not so he can make you his wife (obviously).

The most gullible one who didn't ask too many probing questions, so his secret was safe... and, the one who was happy to have him film her having sex...
Maybe none of the others swallowed his BS. or agreed to the filming...
Now you are the one who will put up with him having a wife at home who he apparently loves...and, the one who is happy to be the other woman...

 

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, LShalcy said:

because I don’t need a man to be happy

Your actions of late very much suggest the opposite. 

 

[Starswillshine]

I'm not here to judge you OP; I totally understand how hard it can be to tear yourself away from something you have wanted for so long. You do have to realize though that while it may seem like it, HE is truly not what you want. What you want is a fake version of him that you are trying hard to believe is really him. It is obvious to me that your brain is trying to tell you what you already know, but your heart is holding you back. And you know walking away will be painful, and that scares you. And trust me, it will hurt like hell. But continuing on this path will only make the hurt worse, and even worse, you will hate yourself more. The power you get from walking away and finally saying you will not stand for this is immense! It will give back some of the confidence you have given up being the OW. 

As a poster here for a long time, I think what you see here is a lot of people with lots of experience dealing in their personal lives and also reading here.... and it is so hard to watch what is so obvious to all of us. We feel we are watching a horror movie while the dumb kids does exactly what he shouldn't do and gets axed. We are all yelling at the TV, so to speak. 

I know its hard and lonely being a single mom, but if you can handle single momhood... then you handle anything. And you can definitely handle a break up with a serial cheating married man. And you will get through the other side with so much strength and self awareness of what you can accomplish.  

[Prudence V]

15 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I guess I am seeing him until something else comes along?

You do realise that, as long as you keep seeing him, “something else” isn’t going to come along? You’re simply far too invested in this arrangement (I hesitate to call it a relationship when only one party is invested) to give serious consideration to any other contenders.
 

Your history shows this: soon after a discovery that would have resulted in most women dumping a guy and wanting nothing further to do with him (discovering he really loved his BW, despite his claims, and that he was just using you for sex and salacious videos - I hope he’s not selling those, btw?) you saw another guy you said nice things about… and liked him enough to have unprotected sex with… but then couldn’t bear to “not win” the MM so you dumped the nice guy in favour of the user. You’re not alone in this. There are many threads on this board from other OW who tried dating others, hoping to wean themselves off MM, but the intensity of the R with MM was too strong… and many of those were MM who treated their OW far better than this guy has treated you. I don’t want to put words into anyone’s mouth, but their consensus seemed to be, dump the MM and the other Rs have a chance. 

15 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I really do like him

What is it about him you like? His ability to lie convincingly with a straight face? His easy dismissal of your feelings? His deep and abiding love for his wife? His leading you on? 
 

15 hours ago, LShalcy said:

It’s rare that I’m ever that comfortable with someone.

You’re more comfortable around a guy who treats you worse than Lynndie England treated prisoners of war, than you are around nice guys who cook for you in their homes? I find this disturbing. OP, do you have a history of abuse?
 

15 hours ago, LShalcy said:

eventually he would cheat on me too.

He has already - or have you forgotten that for two whole years he “forgot” to mention he was married? (And, it seems, seeing OOW too)

 

15 hours ago, LShalcy said:

he claims if he were with me he wouldn’t need anyone else for sex

Apart from his wife. And any current OOW he hasn’t explicitly admitted to, yet. 

 

15 hours ago, LShalcy said:

Since I posted last (not yesterday but prior to that) I have been out with two other guys

Please tell me you used protection this time? 

[introverted1]

16 hours ago, LShalcy said:

But he is, unfortunately, still my first choice . 

If your daughter said her first choice for dinner was a candy bar, would you let her have it?

At what point do you stop giving in to your inner two-year-old and start doing what's right for yourself and your children?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

1 hour ago, Prudence V said:

What is it about him you like? His ability to lie convincingly with a straight face? His easy dismissal of your feelings? His deep and abiding love for his wife? His leading you on?

OP, I hope you'll seriously consider these questions. 

[RebeccaR]

OP, the reason you are comfortable with him is because he knows how to play women. Not because you two have so much in common. He really pulled one over on you, not to mention his wife and the OOWomen. I don’t envy his wife AT ALL.

[Allupinnit]

1 hour ago, RebeccaR said:

OP, the reason you are comfortable with him is because he knows how to play women. Not because you two have so much in common. He really pulled one over on you, not to mention his wife and the OOWomen. I don’t envy his wife AT ALL.

OMG this.  I'm always leery when someone says they hit it off instantly with a man, that usually just means he's really good with women and knows just what to say.  

I'm guessing he's very good-looking. 

[vla1120]

Well, I'm happy to hear you dated two other men, but I really wish you'd stick a fork in this relationship with the MM. It's more than done and you know that. If you're still seeing and talking to him, how can you possibly give another man a fair chance? Please, for your own sake, kick him to the curb and be DONE with him. Block him everywhere. He's got PLENTY of other fish to keep him company, apparently. Do not be persuaded by his LIES (and you KNOW he's a liar!)

[LShalcy]

13 hours ago, Prudence V said:

You do realise that, as long as you keep seeing him, “something else” isn’t going to come along? You’re simply far too invested in this arrangement (I hesitate to call it a relationship when only one party is invested) to give serious consideration to any other contenders.

Yes, I realize this. But I am putting myself out there and hoping that maybe I meet someone that I like as much as MM. I just haven’t as yet. I’ve joined a different dating site (NO more POF), and am chatting with some people but I just find the whole process tedious, especially when MM is always in the back of my mind. When I told MM this, he said for me to *not* join any sites and I don’t need to because I have him (same thing he said when I first found out). I told him I went out with a friend the other day (not saying it was a male)and he kind of got upset and asked if he should be jealous (meaning, did I meet anyone) and said he didn’t want to hear about it. And the guys I’ve been out with are ok I guess, but nothing that I’m so excited about. 
 

And no, I do not have any history of abuse. 

6 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

OMG this.  I'm always leery when someone says they hit it off instantly with a man, that usually just means he's really good with women and knows just what to say.  

I'm guessing he's very good-looking. 

yea, he is very good looking and very charming and he does know all the right things to say. I guess thats how he’s been able to cheat on his wife for their entire marriage without her knowing. I guess he’s at the stage now where he’s comfortable that I know and maybe thinks I’m not leaving, because today he spent hours venting to me about her, saying he not only works in a prison he lives in one, he doesn’t have any peace at home, he needs his space from her etc etc. 

he said he can’t wait till next week to see me (I wasn’t able to see him yesterday, I went out with my daughters instead), and he’s off Wednesday and maybe he’ll have his friend cover for him to see me. I said how, he said his friend will call his wife and tell her that they’re hanging out so he doesn’t have to tell her. 
 

I know this is all wrong and this is a never ending cycle that finally needs to end but it’s just so hard, especially when he tells me certain things. I’m sure people are sick of me on here but I really don’t have anyone to vent to about this. And when I look at his wife’s Facebook I can tell she has no clue. I went from being almost positive I was going to tell her, to falling again for everything he’s telling me and of course, sleeping with him is not helping because it just intensifies the feelings.  
 

Part of me just wishes I never met him.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

11 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

no, I do not have any history of abuse

Respectfully, you do match the profile of someone who's suffered trauma and abuse. It is possible you repressed it from conscious memory. 

It would be hugely beneficial to you to explore this is a therapeutic setting...although you seem extremely resistant to this. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

15 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

today he spent hours venting to me about her, saying he not only works in a prison he lives in one, he doesn’t have any peace at home, he needs his space from her etc etc. 

Hmmm yeeeeeaaaahhh, it's time for you to read up on "triangulation." 

He's upping his manipulative games in response to the news you are exploring other options. 

[Allupinnit]

Um guess what we ALL want a break from our spouses and the hum drum of married life COME ON!  Everyone gets annoying to live with at some point.  Perhaps she's suspicious and giving him the third degree at home!  

You're now also helping him prop up his marriage.  As long as he has his fun secret outlet everything at home feels that much more bearable. 

You're getting your kicks at the expense of your heart and soul.  

[Allupinnit]

ALSO your heart is not going to be available to anyone else as long as you're still sleeping with your MM.  I wouldn't even bother with the dating sites if you're still seeing him, you'll just feel worse at the end of every date wishing you were with him instead.

You're not ready to move on you're trying to distract yourself.

[Allupinnit]

I also love that he has his buddy covering for him LOL

 

Quote

I said how, he said his friend will call his wife and tell her that they’re hanging out so he doesn’t have to tell her. 

So I guess we can now add childish to his ever growing list of redeemable qualities.  His BUDDY is going to call the wife for him, what is he, 8 effing years old?  This is just so incredibly stupid, not sure how you can continue sleeping with him.  

Edited July 13, 2021 by Allupinnit

[LShalcy]

2 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

I also love that he has his buddy covering for him LOL

 

So I guess we can now add childish to his ever growing list of redeemable qualities.  His BUDDY is going to call the wife for him.  This is just so incredibly stupid, not sure how you can continue sleeping with him.  

Yes, I did think this was kind of high school but he says it’s because whenever he goes out she  is always calling and checking up on him and it’s just easier not to deal with her. He also says she calls even if he’s just going to the store real quick and he feels as if he’s timed as soon as he leaves the house.
 

It was a lot, especially since he’s never even mentioned her to me before aside from admitting she existed. but I guess if I were her I would be the same because she possibly does have her suspicions. He also swore on his daughter that he hasn’t met anyone on the dating app after he met me but who knows. 
 

 

[Allupinnit]

Just now, LShalcy said:

Yes, I did think this was kind of high school but he says it’s because whenever he goes out she  is always calling and checking up on him and it’s just easier not to deal with her. He also says she calls even if he’s just going to the store real quick and he feels as if he’s timed as soon as he leaves the house.
 

It was a lot, especially since he’s never even mentioned her to me before aside from admitting she existed. but I guess if I were her I would be the same because she possibly does have her suspicions. He also swore on his daughter that he hasn’t met anyone on the dating app after he met me but who knows. 
 

 

Oh please don't believe a damn word he says - and you KNOW his wife knows he's up to something if she's checking up on him.  I'd watch your back, these things have a way of surfacing.  Hopefully she doesn't put a tracker on his car or hire a PI.  My H's friend got caught that way - people will go to great lengths to find out the truth when they know something is afoot.  I mean damn how ANNOYING that your wife wants to know where you are when you're balls deep in someone else - the nerve of her! 

Seriously, think about what you're doing now!!  If you don't stop this is all going to blow up catastrophically in your face.

 

[Prudence V]

7 hours ago, LShalcy said:

hoping that maybe I meet someone that I like as much as MM

You do realise that you won’t, because

7 hours ago, LShalcy said:

MM is always in the back of my mind.

And the intensity, the need to win, the sunk cost, etc will keep you invested in that arrangement at the expense of any prospective new R with anyone else, however attractive, however well they treat you. 
 

7 hours ago, LShalcy said:

When I told MM this, he said for me to *not* join any sites and I don’t need to because I have him

In what ways do you “have” him? Do you have him attending your sister’s party with you? Do you have him spending holidays with you? Do you have him flying you off on exotic trips, posting pictures on SM proclaiming to the world how much he loves you…? (Oops, no, sorry, that’s his BW - his “love” - that has that…

You’re allowed only part of a “man”. He’s allowed at least two whole women. Does he think that’s fair? Do you? 
 

7 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I guess he’s at the stage now where he’s comfortable that I know and maybe thinks I’m not leaving,

He’s correct. You’re not. You continue to invest more and more in the R, no matter how many upsetting revelations he drops on you. I just wonder if there’s anything he could reveal at this point that would actually cross a line and have you dump him, or if he has you so well trained that he can do exactly what he wants with you and you’ll just sit up and beg for more. 

 

7 hours ago, LShalcy said:

And no, I do not have any history of abuse. 

If this is true, I’d be very wary, because it looks as though you’re being groomed into it.