After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[pepperbird2]

Just now, stillafool said:

I hope you're right Pepper however I feel OP really feels contempt for his wife and feels she is the sole reason she and MM aren't together.

I'm always somewhat surprised when an OW is feeling terrible at how they are treated by their MM, yet they are a-okay with him showing an even deeper level of disrespect to his spouse. It's like they think she has him tied down and he can't make choices for himself. I'm also confused about why they so often assume the wife knows he's cheating and is secretly okay with it.

I get it. It sucks to think someone you love and care about could treat you badly. Been there, done that, don't want the tee shirt. The ow and bs often truly are opposite sides of the same coin.

[pepperbird2]

4 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

I'm always somewhat surprised when an OW is feeling terrible at how they are treated by their MM, yet they are a-okay with him showing an even deeper level of disrespect to his spouse. It's like they think she has him tied down and he can't make choices for himself. I'm also confused about why they so often assume the wife knows he's cheating and is secretly okay with it.

I get it. It sucks to think someone you love and care about could treat you badly. Been there, done that, don't want the tee shirt. The ow and bs often truly are opposite sides of the same coin.

The twist to this though is that the OW/OM plays an active role in hurting the BS. I suspect that for some, that reality is hard to face, so it's easier to pretend that if it wasn't for them, the WS would simply choose someone else.
To me, that doesn't say much for the strength of their affair relationship, but of course that's just my own opinion. Flip the coin and it doesn't say much for the relationship with their BS either. It does, however, say a lot about the WS.

[vla1120]

Here are the facts, @LShalcy. 

1. You were deceived by this man for two years.

2. When you outed him, he acted like "So, what's the big deal? Why can't we just carry on as usual?" He didn't even pull the "My wife is horrible, we sleep in separate rooms, she doesn't understand me like you do, I love you..." crap. He outright made it clear you're just his piece on the side and he wanted things to continue as he expected.

4. You snooped enough to find his FB and he's living the good life with her, conveying his love for her for the WORLD to see. (Not you, though. You're his dirty little secret.)

5. You are a single mom with a GOOD career with GOOD benefits, which is a lot to lose in my opinion, but still - you are considering blowing up his life with an email to his wife. (Which will in turn, most likely, blow up YOUR life even worse.)

Take your emotion out of the situation. Stop thinking with your heart and think with your brain. Start thinking about what you have to lose in this current situation. If you stay involved with him, you'll waste YEARS waiting for what, for him to leave his wife? CLEARLY he has no intention of doing that (and you've wasted TWO precious years of your life already!) If you contact his wife, you might be doing her a favor because her husband is a real piece of work. But, would you be contacting her to spite him or her, or for revenge? Because you don't know her and you don't know what her reaction will be, so you need to consider what the consequences might be in YOUR life if you contact her. In your situation, it might be better to just CUT YOUR LOSSES and WALK AWAY. Period. For good. That includes BLOCKING HIM everywhere. 

Like Pepperbird2, I also tend to believe that this irrational behavior is not you. You are not a mean-hearted vindictive person. You misdirected your anger at his BS instead of directing your anger toward HIM, where it belongs. 

It's been long enough, now. It's time to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and put this to rest for good. Did you get the part where I said CUT YOUR LOSSES AND WALK AWAY?

Get a puppy. Better yet, rescue a dog from the shelter. Your daughter will love it, you will love it. I got a dog in February. He's my best buddy and he's the ONLY man I need in my life for now. 

One last time, CUT YOUR LOSSES AND WALK AWAY!! You deserve SO much better than he was ever going to give you. (Doesn't your daughter also deserve to have someone in your life who would be a good role model for her?)

[Prudence V]

17 hours ago, vla1120 said:

Get a puppy. Better yet, rescue a dog from the shelter.

I’m not sure this is a good idea. OP is struggling with her current commitments (her own kids, her students…) and a new dog is a lot of work. Better to join “borrowmydog” or one of the other pet share services, or volunteer to walk the dog of an older or frail neighbour, where it’s an occasional commitment OP can keep up with when her resources allow. Or volunteer somewhere. Or just spend time with her own kids - perhaps in a different environment which isn’t quite so redolent with triggers of MM. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Prudence V said:

I’m not sure this is a good idea. a new dog is a lot of work. 

Agree. "Get a puppy" is sort of dismissive to both animals (like they are toys) as well as to people who are struggling with interpersonal situations.

[vla1120]

3 hours ago, Prudence V said:

I’m not sure this is a good idea. OP is struggling with her current commitments (her own kids, her students…) and a new dog is a lot of work. Better to join “borrowmydog” or one of the other pet share services, or volunteer to walk the dog of an older or frail neighbour, where it’s an occasional commitment OP can keep up with when her resources allow. Or volunteer somewhere. Or just spend time with her own kids - perhaps in a different environment which isn’t quite so redolent with triggers of MM. 

 

32 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. "Get a puppy" is sort of dismissive to both animals (like they are toys) as well as to people who are struggling with interpersonal situations.

Fair enough....I'm going by my own experience. I was in a pretty unfortunate situation for a long time and it took quite a toll on my psyche. For me, getting a dog was the best thing I could have done. To each his own. I take very good care of my pets and do not take them for granted one bit. The "borrowmydog" service is intriguing, though.

Edited June 29, 2021 by vla1120

[pepperbird2]

4 hours ago, vla1120 said:

 

Fair enough....I'm going by my own experience. I was in a pretty unfortunate situation for a long time and it took quite a toll on my psyche. For me, getting a dog was the best thing I could have done. To each his own. I take very good care of my pets and do not take them for granted one bit. The "borrowmydog" service is intriguing, though.

There's a lot of animal rescue groups that can really use a helping hand. I voluntere with one that captures and rehomes abandoned rabbits. It's realy rewarding to know you have helped an animal find a loving home. I also volunteer with a group that socializes abused parrots, budgies, lovies, etc. Again, it's incredibly rewarding.

Op, maybe something like that could work for you. You seem like you have a loving heart, and it would give you a way to help animals and even meet new people who share your interests. It could be the first step to finding "you" again. You'll be ale to measure your value by the good work you do, not by his opinions/actions/the way he treats you.

[NYAG]

18 hours ago, Prudence V said:

I’m not sure this is a good idea. OP is struggling with her current commitments (her own kids, her students…) and a new dog is a lot of work. Better to join “borrowmydog” or one of the other pet share services, or volunteer to walk the dog of an older or frail neighbour, where it’s an occasional commitment OP can keep up with when her resources allow. Or volunteer somewhere. Or just spend time with her own kids - perhaps in a different environment which isn’t quite so redolent with triggers of MM. 

I have a friend who got a dog to fill a gap where she wanted a relationship. Let's just say she's already regretting the decision. Animals are not there to patch up life problems because they are a lifetime commitment and just as much hard work as any partnership.

[vla1120]

Well, the dog issue is irrelevant anyways since the OP hasn't posted since the 24th. (But now I know how people feel about my suggestion after getting my hand repeatedly slapped - I love internet strangers! )

I hope you are doing okay, @LShalcy

Edited June 30, 2021 by vla1120

[Camper]

8 hours ago, vla1120 said:

Well, the dog issue is irrelevant anyways since the OP hasn't posted since the 24th. (But now I know how people feel about my suggestion after getting my hand repeatedly slapped - I love internet strangers! )

I hope you are doing okay, @LShalcy

Don't feel bad. I think I made a similar suggestion! I am a dog lover but never had one because they are so much work. But volunteering for a shelter or rescue organization might be something worthwhile if she likes animals and can swing it. Quite honestly, doing ANYTHING that is as far removed as possible from MM triggers could be helpful.

[BaileyB]

9 hours ago, vla1120 said:

Well, the dog issue is irrelevant anyways since the OP hasn't posted since the 24th.

I think she is likely still trying to make it work with her MM. 

I also think the dog is a lovely idea. Reminds me of the Carrie Underwood song - the more boys I meet, the more I love my dog. If I was OP, I would rather have a dog and my children than a MM… but clearly, she is in a different place and making different decisions. 

[Prudence V]

On 7/1/2021 at 1:15 AM, BaileyB said:

I think she is likely still trying to make it work with her MM. 

I fear you are correct and that it will escalate. 

[Pumpernickel]

On 6/30/2021 at 6:40 PM, Camper said:

Don't feel bad. I think I made a similar suggestion! I am a dog lover but never had one because they are so much work.

Same. - I LOVE dogs, but shying away from the work involved (and who watches them when you travel?)

I think it’s generally a good idea to rescue a dog, to do something good, but for some people, like OP, this would probably be overwhelming right now. Too much hair/cleaning, you’ve gotta make time for walks, they need to play/want attention, etc. - For someone who’s been depressed about her situation, that could be an unbearable extra burden. 

[LShalcy]

Hi all.
 

So I haven’t visited this site in weeks but I found out some things within the past two days and I just have to it get out because I’m beginning to question whether or not I even know this MM and whether or not his actions warrant me to seriously consider telling his wife. Also, after reading through some posts it’s frustrating when there is no update to a story I was interested in. 
 

yes, I have been trying to work things out with him and we have seen each other several times since the last time I posted. We continue to talk and text daily. Last night we had a marathon conversation which ended when I fell asleep around 4 am and continued this morning around 10 am and just ended. We have tentative plans for tomorrow and on the 19th, which I also discovered is his wife’s birthday yet he is spending it with me. (He didn’t tell me it was her birthday, I found out through social media and he said the 19th was his next day free after tomorrow. So I’m assuming she is going out with friends/family which is why he has that day open). 
 

 During the call I found out certain things that are seriously making me question him. First, He admitted that he met FOUR woman off the POF site and slept with all of them. He insisted that after he met me, he wasn’t on the site at all anymore because he “found what he was looking for” and didn’t have to look anymore. So this is at least FIVE woman he has cheated on his wife with. He also told me that sometimes he waits in his car for hours before and after seeing me just to ensure he gets home at a certain time. I suspected this but hearing it made me feel weird. During our talk, I checked his Facebook and saw that he had tagged his wife in a post — all while talking to me and telling me he can’t wait to see me (I timestamped it). 
 

I am really beginning to think something is off with him for what he is going to his wife (I’m sure it has been more than five woman he cheated with) and the things he does to conceal his affairs. He told me that his wife knows nothing about his affairs because he can be very convincing but this is the first real affair he’s had because the others were “one and done”. He also asked me where was I in 2013 because that was BEFORE his wife AND daughter and things would be different. I asked how, he tells me because he is sure he would be with me instead. I felt weird hearing that because he basically was discounting his wife and child.

 

He said he never expected for us to last this long and for feelings to develop as much as they did because that app was just for hooking up but when he met me it was different and he’s so surprised it’s been this long but he doesn’t want it to end. I told him it would have to because I need a real relationship and he says the usual about missing me, sadness etc etc. 
 

I’m just seeing him differently now after hearing about ALL the times he’s cheated on his wife, and I know now I will NEVER be able to trust him, ever. I’m also questioning whether or not I really SHOULD tell her - for HER benefit, because I believe him when he says she has no idea and that he is positive she has been faithful to him for all this time. 
 

I just needed to vent and get this out. 
 

also - I noticed some people mentioning adopting a puppy. We actually DID adopt a puppy in March of this year from a rescue site and she’s a lot of work (five months) but my kids love her and she’s a great member of the family. 

 

Edited July 10, 2021 by LShalcy

[BaileyB]

15 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I’m just seeing him differently now after hearing about ALL the times he’s cheated on his wife, and I know now I will NEVER be able to trust him, ever.

Have you decided to end it? 

[LShalcy]

12 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Have you decided to end it? 

Part of me is still eating up everything he says like a fool and another part of me is completely turned off by him. 

[BaileyB]

 

38 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

He admitted that he met FOUR woman off the POF site and slept with all of them. He insisted that after he met me, he wasn’t on the site at all anymore because he “found what he was looking for” and didn’t have to look anymore.

Smooth.

Edited July 10, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

another part of me is completely turned off by him. 

The fact that he’s a serial cheat in addition to the fact that he lied to you for two years hasn’t turned you off meeting him tomorrow. 

[Wiseman2]

58 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

We have tentative plans for tomorrow and on the 19th

 Congrats on the puppy. Unfortunately, this will keep you hooked.

[LynneVicious]

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

 

 During the call I found out certain things that are seriously making me question him. First, He admitted that he met FOUR woman off the POF site and slept with all of them

It’s really unbelievable that after finding this info out, you are just now questioning him. I just don’t know what to say. You continue to see him, right? 
 

There comes a point when someone gets hurt by another, that the fault switches from the perpetrator to the victim, because they refuse to help themselves or protect themselves. You’re now at that point. And no one can help you but yourself. 

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, LShalcy said:

 So this is at least FIVE woman he has cheated on his wife with.

And there you have it.

My guess is you'd "be enough for him" right up until suddenly you aren't anymore. And you probably wouldn't find out until well after the fact.

Honestly I've been shocked that you didn't bail immediately after the he's been married reveal.

Anyhow, hope THIS is finally enough for you to come to your senses. I may not be the world's most innocent little angel, but I really do feel sorry for whoever ends up with this guy. Suggest you DON'T let that be you.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I am really beginning to think something is off with him 

Beginning? 

[Prudence V]

18 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I have been trying to work things out with him and we have seen each other several times since the last time I posted. We continue to talk and text daily.

OP, what is it you want from your arrangement with that MM? Are you merely biding time until something better comes along? Are you hoping for a future with him? Or have you given up ever having a FTR with someone who doesn’t hide you, doesn’t block you on FB, introduces you to his family, friends and colleagues as his GF and lets the world know how much he loves you, to the extent that you now feel “anything is better than nothing” and you’re happy to be the OW (or perhaps one of several OOW) to this MM forever? 
 

Are your actions and your goals aligned? 
 

[Allupinnit]

21 hours ago, LShalcy said:

Part of me is still eating up everything he says like a fool and another part of me is completely turned off by him. 

You're easily charmed/deceived by his bull.  You know you aren't the only OW he's sleeping with.  Be smarter than this. 

[LShalcy]

3 hours ago, Prudence V said:

OP, what is it you want from your arrangement with that MM? Are you merely biding time until something better comes along? Are you hoping for a future with him? Or have you given up ever having a FTR with someone who doesn’t hide you, doesn’t block you on FB, introduces you to his family, friends and colleagues as his GF and lets the world know how much he loves you, to the extent that you now feel “anything is better than nothing” and you’re happy to be the OW (or perhaps one of several OOW) to this MM forever? 
 

Are your actions and your goals aligned? 
 

I guess I am seeing him until something else comes along?
 

I really do like him and it’s hard for me to express our comfort level with each other, but when we are together it’s great. It’s rare that I’m ever that comfortable with someone. I used to look at him as “safe”,  but after the conversation yesterday when he admitted he cheated on his wife for years with at least five woman, I am well aware he is NOT safe, and that even if we were together, eventually he would cheat on me too. It  seems like one woman would never satisfy him - although he claims if he were with me he wouldn’t need anyone else for sex (I pointedly asked him this).
 

Since I posted last (not yesterday but prior to that) I have been out with two other guys, so it’s not like I’m sitting around and waiting for him - those days are done. I guess I am hoping something develops with one of them and I won’t even want MM anymore. 

But he is, unfortunately, still my first choice . 

Edited July 11, 2021 by LShalcy
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