After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[Camper]

2 minutes ago, NYAG said:

I agree. Companionship is not worth the suffering that comes with it. That's a poor compromise. Time to move on.

Add me to those who say LShalcy, you can do better than the MM for companionship. Your child, a friend, a dog. Ever thought of fostering a dog for a local rescue organization? It gives you a sense of purpose and you'll get an idea whether doggo ownership might be something you'd like to take on. You are a teacher, so in summertime, you will have some time to devote to this, no??

Or use your time to join a club, Facebook group, ANYTHING to get your mind off the lying, cheating, MM.

 

[pepperbird2]

24 minutes ago, Camper said:

Or use your time to join a club, Facebook group, ANYTHING to get your mind off the lying, cheating, MM.

 

This is a great idea op. It would allow you to meet people and make friends that have nothing to do with the affair. Find the companionship and support you need from people who will be your true friends, not just someone who is using you.

[NYAG]

5 hours ago, S2B said:

I will add that after I date someone once (and have gathered enough info during that date) I do a back ground check on them. It’s $50 and worth it! If you get a name and area they’ve lived in you can also access public court records online…mostly for free.

loads of his personal info can be obtained in general conversation on a first date. Like = where did you grow up? Go to school? What made you settle in that area? Do you have family? 
you get the idea - then you use that info to match his back ground info and get his status.

I would say that 6 out of 10 guys pretend to be single when they are married. I’m serious! 

if I’m interested I won’t see them again until I can confirm they aren’t married.

 

one guy stayed at an expensive hotel  while in the area. He tried telling me he lived there. He also said he travels every week back east to care for his parents - I saw his name on his credit card…after our date  he texted how it was a wonderful date - let’s do it again… I responded with “you seem married, are you?”

well, he was. it’s also why I don’t get physical on any first date. If they are truly single and interested they can wait until the next date. I don’t intend to have another gals husband all over me!

I get as much info on a guy as I can before I meet him. Most people will give away enough in their general chat for you to be able to find them online and get a handle on who they really are. Genuine people tend to be quite naive and will tell you about their real life. I do this with all my potential partners whether they are single or not. I don't want to end up dead in an alley way one day. You genuinely don't know who you're dealing with in the early days and I've seen some awful stories recently of the results of that.

[elaine567]

5 hours ago, S2B said:

I don’t intend to have another gals husband all over me!

It seems to me that this is one reason why some women turn down married/attached men.
They don't want to be having sex with a guy who is also having sex with his wife/gf. The ick factor kicks in
Some women however seem to be able to ignore that aspect of an affair.
The OP seemed to be able to compartmentalise well,  she was prepared to keep seeing him, but was thrown into a tailspin when it became apparent just how involved and invested this man was in his wife.

[introverted1]

My sense is that OP either knew this guy was married or was deliberately in denial.  She has continued to ignore any post that asks about what he said when they had normal conversations about how long he'd been divorced, how/why his marriage broke down, how custody was shared with his daughter, whether he ever wanted to marry again...  all the "normal" stuff that is exchanged when two people start dating.  She has also ignored posts asking whether they ever went on real dates -- out to dinner, away for the weekend, double dating with friends, meeting each other's families, spending holidays together.  And then the elephant in the room that she didn't ask why, in two years of having sex with this guy, she'd never been to his house.

A background check only helps if the person actually wants to know the truth.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

My sense is that OP either knew this guy was married

Honestly, this has been my assumption since shortly after the thread started. 

[Daliah]

On 6/16/2021 at 12:42 PM, LShalcy said:

I didn’t take anytime away from his family and I am not harming his family. He is. 
 

if he isn’t concerned about that, why should I be? I’m not. And what part of the story are you not getting?! I’ve written countless pathetic posts here, so much so I’m sure people are sick of seeing me on here.
 

I’m  just wondering if his wife suspects anything. How could she not suspect something? I’m sure he sweet talks her and they enjoy their little date nights as evidenced by that picture. 
 

And what wife never has access to her husbands phone - ever? I’m sure I am muted when she is with him, but she’s married to him and tolerates him keeping a lock on his phone at all times?! But she has him and i don’t so who I am to judge her? Some part of me wants her to know and ruin this farce of him being this perfect family man. I want her to see one of those tapes - how will she feel then?! Like I feel now. 
 

 

 

She probably doesn’t give a  s**t about his phone. It’s his.  He’s her husband. Why would she want to see what’s in his phone? If she trusts him it won’t bother her. 
 

You might ask yourself why you’d be spiteful enough to want her to witness your collusion in her husbands debauchery regarding the videos of your sexual activities. That could put you in a very tenuous position, and we all know that that stuff, once  it’s out there, on the internet, NEVER goes away... don’t you consider that a rather horrifying possibility?  That if found by this horrid individuals  wife she could well plaster it all over the internet before packing his bags?  For your children to come across at some point in the future?

That would have been enough for me had I been careless enough to allow intimate video footage of me in the first place.

You would be wise to encourage this man to delete them. In your sight, and permanently, because rest assured, if his wife does get hold of them, the proverbial fallout will bring you a whole raft of unimaginable pain on top of your current suffering.

On 6/16/2021 at 12:42 PM, LShalcy said:

 

 

[Wiseman2]

On 6/24/2021 at 12:29 AM, LShalcy said:

he gives me the companionship I crave so it’s hard to let that go. 

Tell his wife. That solves a lot of problems for you.

May cause some for him, but he opened Pandora's box by cheating in the first place.

It gets rid of him and it frees you from all the wondering.

It puts the final nail in the coffin you need to bury this mess.

When you send the message you composed, he'll bow out of this and you'll have peace.

Edited June 25, 2021 by Wiseman2

[introverted1]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

When you send the message you composed, he'll bow out of this and you'll have peace.

Until the wife demands to see his phone, finds the videos, and goes scorched earth.  At that point, OP will be exposed to her family, her children, and her employer.

Might not be the best approach.

[elaine567]

I  think it is spiteful to tell his wife. She is the innocent here, she w ill be the one destroyed... he will just find some other women to deceive...

Be careful too, before you blow up people's lives for "revenge".
https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2020/oct/12/dorset-police-officer-strangled-lover-after-she-revealed-affair-court-told
"A police officer murdered his lover by strangling her in a pub car park moments after she revealed their 10-year affair by sending a text saying “I’m cheating on you” from his phone to his wife, a jury has been told.

PC Timothy Brehmer, 41, is accused of “angrily and deliberately” throttling Claire Parry, also 41, with such force that he broke a bone in her neck."


 

[stillafool]

9 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

he will just find some other women to deceive...

This is so true.  Rule #1 for OW - I must be able to trust that you will stay a secret and that you won't try to blow up my life.

Once that rule is broken in comes the OOW.

[jspice]

2 hours ago, introverted1 said:

Until the wife demands to see his phone, finds the videos, and goes scorched earth.  At that point, OP will be exposed to her family, her children, and her employer.

Might not be the best approach.

She doesn’t care. If she did she wouldn’t have made them in the first place. She doesn’t care about what happens with her kids, or her job or his family. 
 

the posters in this thread care more about the consequences for her than she does. 
 

I say send the email, OP. 

[heartwhole2]

OP, I think you're cycling through various stages of grief trying to avoid the actual grieving. You were in denial for a while, and then the FB photos burst that bubble. Now you're bargaining that maybe telling BW will blow up his marriage, or at least that you'll get a momentary release for your anger. But how will you feel after?

I really encourage you to work with a therapist on these issues. You have a lot of feelings to process, which is perfectly normal given your situation. You need someone to help guide you through making healthier choices and understanding yourself. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, heartwhole2 said:

OP, I think you're cycling through various stages of grief trying to avoid the actual grieving. You were in denial for a while, and then the FB photos burst that bubble. Now you're bargaining that maybe telling BW will blow up his marriage, or at least that you'll get a momentary release for your anger. But how will you feel after?

I really encourage you to work with a therapist on these issues. You have a lot of feelings to process, which is perfectly normal given your situation. You need someone to help guide you through making healthier choices and understanding yourself. 

She has unequivocally refused to seek counselling. I believe the quote in the previous thread was something like - “Stop telling me to attend counselling. It’s not going to happen!” 

She is absolutely cycling through the stages of grief and the absolute (not reluctance) rejection of any suggestion that encourages her to move forward in this process (even if that suggestion is just to make a healthy choice for herself like counselling, or no contact, or stop sending this guy videos) tells us that she is not done rattling around between denial and anger and sadness and bargaining. 

Edited June 25, 2021 by BaileyB

[pepperbird2]

OP,

I'm getting the sense that you are starting to blameshift. You are trying to place the blame for this actions and choices on his wife.
Turn the situation around. Should she blame you? After all, you were part of the "dynamic duo" that put a target on her back and she didn't even know it. 
The truth is, the one who created this whole mess was the MM (her WS). She is no more responsible for his actions and choices than you are. Normally, I'm in favour of the BS being told what's going on, if only for their own physical and mental health. I have seen om/ow let them know what's up, but it was done out of concern, not malice. It was done in the kindest way they could, given the situation, and causing the BS pain was the last thing they wanted to do.
I could be wrong, but you don't strike me as someone who is malicious and cruel. Before you met this guy, would you have gone out of your way to hurt someone the way you want to hurt his BS just so you can feel a tiny bit better? If you answer is "no", then this will come back to bite you in the emotional behind. The satisfaction you may get from overturning his smug little life will fade quickly when you realize you've hurt someone to their very core who has done nothing to you.
In other words, if you tell her, make sure it's for the right reasons. That way, it will continue to sit well with you long afterwards. You'll have opened her eyes to what's going on, and given her some control over her life. If you do it out of anger and a desire for revenge on your MM, that double edged sword will cut you just as much. It all comes down to who you are at heart. Like I said, I get the sense you are a moral person but you are also very lonely and trusting.

Even if he didn't realize it, he took advantage of that.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, introverted1 said:

Until the wife demands to see his phone, finds the videos

True, he may be stupid enough not to delete them.

[BaileyB]

31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

True, he may be stupid enough not to delete them.

We are talking about a man who went on a dating site to seek a sex partner and carries on a secret affair - lying to both women for two years! He doesn’t seem like he is concerned about being caught. And, he obtained those videos for a purpose. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, pepperbird2 said:

You are trying to place the blame for this actions and choices on his wife.

I see this all the time from OW who love to blame the wife.  Never taking into account their poor choice to have sex with their husbands.  All of a sudden they develop a victim mentality. It's called entitlement.

 

1 hour ago, pepperbird2 said:

The satisfaction you may get from overturning his smug little life will fade quickly when you realize you've hurt someone to their very core who has done nothing to you.

OP has said numerous times she doesn't care about the wife and so email sent is meant to hurt the wife.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

 he obtained those videos for a purpose. 

Yes to masturbate to, lol.

Tell his wife. Not for revenge or to get him back, etc. but so that he hates you enough to end it. 

You have nothing to lose. Revenge porn is against the law. And everyone knows that.

[BaileyB]

48 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes to masturbate to, lol.

I wonder if this guy has a collection of videos with different partners. 

My point being, he has shown a callous disregard for both women. I don’t see him deleting the videos out of concern for his wife (lest she accidentally discover them) or his affair partner (should the relationship end and she grow uncomfortable and ask that the videos be destroyed/deleted). Let’s hope he or his wife don’t decide to share them, but the reality is - LShalcy has no control here. She hasn’t been too worried because she trusted the guy - this man who lied to her for two years about his identity and his intentions. Still, my money is on the possibility that he will at the very least keep them for all prosperity… 

Edited June 25, 2021 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

26 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I wonder if this guy has a collection of videos with different partners. 

I said this to another OW in a different thread.  It wouldn't surprise me if these guys have a library of videos of OW and their sexual activities.  They know just how to get their clothes off and get them in front of a camera.  It's too easy for them.

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

I said this to another OW in a different thread.  It wouldn't surprise me if these guys have a library of videos of OW and their sexual activities.  They know just how to get their clothes off and get them in front of a camera.  It's too easy for them.

And I imagine that keeping the videos is part of the game… there is power in both convincing a woman to make the video and keeping it as a sign of accomplishment. 

[pepperbird2]

16 hours ago, stillafool said:

OP has said numerous times she doesn't care about the wife and so email sent is meant to hurt the wife.

You're right, but I'm getting a sense that's not who she really is at heart. That's why I said while it may feel good in the moment, that won't last. Eventually, the OP is going to have to face up to the role she played in hurting another human being who has done absolutely nothing to her, and if and when that happens, it's going to drive her self esteem down even more.
If she doesn't, that would indicate a lack of empathy, which is a whole other issue to deal with.

[heartwhole2]

2 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

You're right, but I'm getting a sense that's not who she really is at heart. That's why I said while it may feel good in the moment, that won't last. Eventually, the OP is going to have to face up to the role she played in hurting another human being who has done absolutely nothing to her, and if and when that happens, it's going to drive her self esteem down even more.
If she doesn't, that would indicate a lack of empathy, which is a whole other issue to deal with.

It's hard to have love for others if you haven't yet mastered love for self.

OP, what is happening is that you don't have the coping skills to deal with the curveball he threw you. I suspect you lack self-esteem and you ignored the oddities of him not introducing you to people, bringing you home, etc., because you were desperate to feel any kind of affection. I am not saying this to blame you for the areas where you struggle, but to help you identify them so you can figure out how to work on them (and this is where a counselor would be really helpful). If you had abundant self-esteem, then when you figured out he was married, you would have been so confident in what you deserve and your ability to find it elsewhere with a non-lying, non-married man that you would have kicked him to the curb. 

How do you develop self-esteem? Well you need to unpack your history with a trained professional -- what messages you received growing up, what you saw modeled, how those messages and behaviors were unhealthy and unproductive. Then you will start to see these patterns repeating in your present life and will brainstorm strategies for choosing healthy behaviors.

You deserve a rich, healthy life. I wish things were easier for you, but we have to face the fact that they're not. You have to work with what you've got, but if you commit to making a healthy you a priority, I have every confidence you will succeed.

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

If she doesn't, that would indicate a lack of empathy, which is a whole other issue to deal with.

I hope you're right Pepper however I feel OP really feels contempt for his wife and feels she is the sole reason she and MM aren't together.