After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[BiancaSW]

7 hours ago, PhoenixRising8 said:

She is a teacher who is in an affair with a married man, making sex videos and neglecting her job duties (late report cards, on LS during class etc).  If the videos were shared there would be consequences because you know .... moral turpitude. 

I guess it depends on the law and what it says. She needs a legal advice on that I suppose.

[ ]

Edited June 23, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
doesnt address first post

[PhoenixRising8]

3 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

I guess it depends on the law and what it says

It's less a case of the law as it relates to OP and more about her employment contract.  If there is a morality clause, and many teachers' contracts do, it could be cause.

And what about her x-H and teen daughter?  Would be a poop-show if they found out.  I don't think I need to spell out potential repercussions with the x and daughter.

Edited June 23, 2021 by PhoenixRising8

[BiancaSW]

4 minutes ago, PhoenixRising8 said:

It's less a case of the law as it relates to OP and more about her employment contract.  If there is a morality clause, and many teachers' contracts do, it could be cause.

And what about her x-H and teen daughter?  Would be a poop-show if they found out.  I don't think I need to spell out potential repercussions with the x and daughter.

yeah they better not find out. it would be terrible for the author.

Anyway, it’s best if we hear what she thinks about the whole situation... hopefully she did not send that email

[BiancaSW]

8 minutes ago, PhoenixRising8 said:

It isn't about whether or not people are allowed a private life.  Of course they are.  When the private life becomes public and affects reputation, employers can and do opt to sever ties.  It may cost them to do so, but the cost is often considered to be minimal compared to reputational impact.  When minor children are involved, there is a standard that is expected.  YMMV

I hope he never proceeds with his evil plan and never reveals her videos and photos. She can of course do the same to his employer, but that will make such a mess of things. it’s best she just waits out when the dust settles.

yes, when one is working with minors - they are scrutinised very closely from the moral point of view. The wife in my case would be found guilty of five charges - three administrative and two criminal ones. she would stand no chance, she would be taken off the teaching register in no time. 

the author here did not break the law so she could always argue her case and yes, it does depend on the contract. Is he her colleague? If that is the case - he would never share stuff like that

Edited June 23, 2021 by BiancaSW

[BaileyB]

11 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

the author here did not break the law

Whether she broke the law or not does not matter. It will not be well received by her employer, as there is a certain professional standard that must be upheld. The employer has the right to take disciplinary action for employees who fail to meet their professional standards and bring negative attention to the organization. 

Edited June 23, 2021 by BaileyB

[BiancaSW]

7 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Whether she broke the law or not does not matter. It will not be well received by her employer, as there is a certain professional standard that must be upheld. 

she also needs to re-read the contract. also, is her face seen on these videos? 

argh, it annoys me when people do stuff like that to one another. private photos and videos should stay private! one should never blackmail the other with stuff like that! 

Edited June 23, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Bittersweetie]

LShalcy, I am sorry that you are so hurt and upset. I hope you can use this anger to propel yourself out of the holding pattern you've been in recently. Turn that anger into action, like going NC, focusing on your well being and your family, and working on your own issues in order to rebuild your inner strength. Anger can be good when it's used to better oneself...but it can also be bad when it's used to cause pain to others.

Make a conscious choice on how to use your anger.

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It will not be well received by her employer, as there is a certain professional standard that must be upheld.

It also won't be received well by the parents of the children who may not want her around there kids anymore.

[LShalcy]

No, I haven’t yet sent the email.
 

I was so angry last night that I was going to send it, but I decided to calm myself and think first. I was so shaken up that I wasn’t even thinking about the fact that he has pictures and videos of me that can be detrimental to my career (yes, my face is visible in the videos and pictures). If I were to tell his wife, I don’t know what he would do with those. I am certain he wouldn’t do anything with them but I guess you never know. And would she find them on his phone? 

but he is a correctional officer so I really don’t think he is trying to do anything to break the law and lose his job. If however, those videos did get it I would probably lose my job and it would possibly be really hard to get another job in education again.  
 

I just don’t know why he did this to me. When I haven’t answered him since last night he text me, do I really want to cancel our night together and he cherishes all the time he spends with me .

 

Edited June 23, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[stillafool]

Why haven't you blocked him?   If his wife finds those videos who knows what she may do with them.

Edited June 23, 2021 by stillafool

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

When I haven’t answered him since last night he text me, do I really want to cancel our night together and he cherishes all the time he spends with me

So even though you have proof that he's been lying to you and gaslighting you're still ready to engage him again?  If so, please don't blame him anymore.

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

When I haven’t answered him since last night he text me, do I really want to cancel our night together and he cherishes all the time he spends with me .

Yes, you really do. 

It seems a rather obvious response for someone who has been deceived and betrayed. Not sure why he would be surprised that you don’t want to see him - except for the fact that you have continued to text with him like there is no problem here. There is obviously a problem here…

Edited June 23, 2021 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, BiancaSW said:

well why would she lose her job due to private videos? It’s her own agenda - what she does in her private time. He on the other hand would be commiting serious criminal offence and will 100% lose HIS job. 

Not necessarily so - Lshalcy is apparently a schoolteacher and they can and do get fired (as do other folks sometimes) for "socially inappropriate" things such as nude videos floating around the web that parents (or kids) might see, etc. She is a single mother, so a lot riding on that job.

Yes, there is the threat of legal counter action but IF it were released as a spur of the moment thing, the damage could well be done regardless of follow up. Very hard to say how the cookie might crumble with something like this, hence the (quite reasonable IMO) calls for caution.

[mark clemson]

30 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

he cherishes all the time he spends with me .

Perhaps, but he apparently cherishes his family life (including his wife) as well. Time to start facing up to that, sadly.

[lana-banana]

Laws in the US are incredibly inconsistent regarding so-called "revenge porn" and vary widely by jurisdiction, but it's absolutely not as clear-cut as getting in trouble or going to jail over it. 

Unfortunately, the rules for teachers are far more strict to the point of being absurd. Teachers have lost their jobs for being LGBT+ at Christian schools or for having an OnlyFans account (even if it has no connection to their school). It's extremely unfair, but that's not something we can fix right now.

The problem is the videos themselves don't even have to come up. All the wife has to do is tell her school "I have proof that she's engaged in an ongoing sexual affair and may be producing adult videos", which can be enough to start an investigation.

There are a number of reasons why contacting his wife is a bad idea and the plethora of evidence (you said he filmed almost every encounter for almost 2 years?!) is just one part of it. Leave well enough alone---block him and start moving on with your life, for real this time. 

[pepperbird2]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Whether she broke the law or not does not matter. It will not be well received by her employer, as there is a certain professional standard that must be upheld. The employer has the right to take disciplinary action for employees who fail to meet their professional standards and bring negative attention to the organization. 

My husband's ex-ow lost her job ( in part) because of her actions re: their affair.
It was very brief ( a few weeks) but when it ended, she took it out on me. She even went as far to to email him "anonymously" while he was deployed to try and convince him I was cheating on him( I wasn't).  the problem for her was she used a work (military) computer to send the email, and it blew up in her face. That sort of thing is not looked kindly upon.

I bring this up because the law and policy and procedures don't always have to be the same for action to be taken. Legally, she had done nothing wrong, but that didn't matter one bit.



 

Edited June 23, 2021 by pepperbird2

[pepperbird2]

3 hours ago, LShalcy said:

No, I haven’t yet sent the email.
 

I was so angry last night that I was going to send it, but I decided to calm myself and think first. I was so shaken up that I wasn’t even thinking about the fact that he has pictures and videos of me that can be detrimental to my career (yes, my face is visible in the videos and pictures). If I were to tell his wife, I don’t know what he would do with those. I am certain he wouldn’t do anything with them but I guess you never know. And would she find them on his phone? 

but he is a correctional officer so I really don’t think he is trying to do anything to break the law and lose his job. If however, those videos did get it I would probably lose my job and it would possibly be really hard to get another job in education again.  
 

I just don’t know why he did this to me. When I haven’t answered him since last night he text me, do I really want to cancel our night together and he cherishes all the time he spends with me .

 

OP,

this may come down to you weighing out the benefits and risks to you if you stay with him. Think the long game here. What do you want out of life? From a relationship? From the man you choose to share your life with? Can he realistically ever give that to you?

I once read of an exercise where an OW or OM was asked to imagine they are sitting face to face with the BS in their situation. Imagine yourself looking into her face and explaining to her why your are involved with her spouse and why you don't want to stop. It's not meant to make you empathize or sympathize with her- it's more to help bring you some clarity.

You are not an evil person. You are not a stupid person. You sound like a lonely person with a lot of love to give. I hope you can see that this affair will hurt you more than help you, and you can do so much better. he porblem is we can all tell you that, but you have to believe it.

 

[BiancaSW]

[ ]

i suspect since they are meeting up / contemplating on a date - things are not as scary as they are. I doubt if he wants to go on a date he will start thinking of spreading their videos and stuff. I suppose if she speaks to his wife about his misbehavings - then s*** will hit the fan. I guess what you and I are both trying to say - even if husband comes clean HIMSELF on a D-day - things go in a horrid way. If she contacts his wife herself - they will go even worse! I don’t think the author will do it tho. She knows its dangerous.

Edited June 23, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to removed content

[LShalcy]

8 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

OP,

this may come down to you weighing out the benefits and risks to you if you stay with him. Think the long game here. What do you want out of life? From a relationship? From the man you choose to share your life with? Can he realistically ever give that to you?

I once read of an exercise where an OW or OM was asked to imagine they are sitting face to face with the BS in their situation. Imagine yourself looking into her face and explaining to her why your are involved with her spouse and why you don't want to stop. It's not meant to make you empathize or sympathize with her- it's more to help bring you some clarity.

You are not an evil person. You are not a stupid person. You sound like a lonely person with a lot of love to give. I hope you can see that this affair will hurt you more than help you, and you can do so much better. he porblem is we can all tell you that, but you have to believe it.

 

You’re right, I am lonely . And I do want someone to marry and spend my life with. To do everything with. 
 

i know he can’t give me that. But he gives me the companionship I crave so it’s hard to let that go. 
 

i keep staring at the pictures on his Facebook driving myself insane 

Edited June 24, 2021 by LShalcy

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, LShalcy said:

i know he can’t give me that. But he gives me the companionship I crave so it’s hard to let that go. 

Can't you get another man for that?  They aren't running out of them.

[stillafool]

I don't know which state you live in LShalcy but in some states the BS is allowed to sue OW/OM for getting in an affair with their spouse.

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Can't you get another man for that?  They aren't running out of them.

Or a dog? Or, spend time with your kids? Or, find a new best friend? 

So many other ways to meet this need than this MM.

[pepperbird2]

9 hours ago, LShalcy said:

You’re right, I am lonely . And I do want someone to marry and spend my life with. To do everything with. 
 

i know he can’t give me that. But he gives me the companionship I crave so it’s hard to let that go. 
 

i keep staring at the pictures on his Facebook driving myself insane 

The thing you have to ask yourself is whether or not his companionship is worth the pain it's causing you. It's just my opinion, but I don't think it is. You have a lot to offer someone, so much love and kindness, a loyal and giving heart- why on god's green earth are you wasting yourself on him? You can do better!

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, LShalcy said:

But he gives me the companionship I crave

Bit it's part-time, secret companionship. It's companionship that only functions in the shadows, whenever it is convenient for him.  

Is that really what you're craving?

[NYAG]

6 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

The thing you have to ask yourself is whether or not his companionship is worth the pain it's causing you. It's just my opinion, but I don't think it is. You have a lot to offer someone, so much love and kindness, a loyal and giving heart- why on god's green earth are you wasting yourself on him? You can do better!

I agree. Companionship is not worth the suffering that comes with it. That's a poor compromise. Time to move on.