After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[basil67]

As rough as it is, I'm so so glad you found the truth.  Use that anger to propel yourself out of the mental place you've been in and to a new future without him.  

Being conned by a conman is nothing to be ashamed of - you were a victim and the shame is squarely on him.    

[BaileyB]

Just be sure when/if you send the email to his wife, you do it with the intention of providing her the truth with absolutely no other agenda or expectation. Do not send that email out of anger, to punish him, or as an attempt to manipulate the situation with the hope that she will leave him so that he can be with with you. You have no right to harm the woman any more than has already been done. 

[Starswillshine]

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

So I did a lot of digging and found his Facebook. I think he had me blocked so I created a whole new account because I couldn’t ever find him.
 

and I am devastated.

almost every post, a note to his wife. Constant “I love you’s” etc. the same memes he sends to me? He tags her on them on Facebook. The same funny pictures and jokes he sends me - he tags her on them.

who in their right mind does that?!!! I am so utterly ashamed and embarrassed and SAD.

and when he was busy all last weekend? Third wedding anniversary

I texted him that no, we are not meeting on Friday. My hands are shaking so much I can barely type. 

I am so sorry you are going through this. I'm sure seeing these things had to hurt to the core. 

Compose your email, but wait some days to send it. You have to give her all the information. But only in factual undeniable ways. Or at least give her some contact information and let her control it if she wants more information. The problem is.... she could open this email/message at work, at a family event, etc... it is not fair to do that to a fellow victim. But you should only do this because she deserves to know the truth. Not because you want to hurt her or hurt him. 

[PhoenixRising8]

54 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I have started composing an email to his wife. (Before anyone asks, I never asked for his Facebook because I don’t use it - my last post was who knows how many years ago - my profile picture is my 13 year old - when she was 7).

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT send any emails!!!  You have as much to lose as he does.  He has sex videos of you.  What are you going to do if she takes his phone before he has a chance to delete things?  Gets your contact information, and contacts your family, friends, school.  You found his Facebook, she may very well do her due diligence in finding you.  Read Bianca's thread.  I'm sure you already have.  You know what the BS did in her case.  Do you want the same to happen to you?

You knew 2 months ago he was married.  You knew he had her listed as 'my love'.  What were you expecting?  Why the outrage now?  Because he sent her the same memes and jokes?  Of course he did!  Like every other, he's lazy and if it works for one, he knows it will work on another.

You are involved in an affair, you will have no moral high ground with anyone, especially since you chose to continue after you found out he was married.  Two months ago you could have said you were duped, now it can be said you accepted it.  This will not end well for you if you send that email, my prognostications earlier may very well come to fruition.  But I doubt you will listen  Given your lack of empathy for his spouse and your dismissal of all the good advice, it is difficult to muster empathy for you now.

For your daughters' sake I hope you listen and don't do it.

Edited June 23, 2021 by PhoenixRising8

[BaileyB]

30 minutes ago, PhoenixRising8 said:

You have as much to lose as he does.  He has sex videos of you. 

Good point. You have no control once you tell his wife, and there is no telling what either of these people will do.

[LShalcy]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Good point. You have no control once you tell his wife, and there is no telling what either of these people will do.

I understand this but I am just so hurt. Yes, I found out two months ago and yes we  continued, so it’s not a complete surprise obviously - but to see those pictures was devastating. She definitely has no idea her husband is cheating on her. 
 

My hands started shaking as I looked through those pictures and I couldn’t get them to stop.The picture he sent me that I knew his wife had taken? There were more, including them together arms around each other, him as if her were about to kiss her cheek.
 

How could he lead such a double life?! What gives him the right?! I am just so angry, so hurt. I thought I had settled into this accepted state of constant depression/fear/anxiety but this is worse than anything by far. 
 

I don’t know what he or she would do if I told her, but I feel as if I need to take my chances.

[BaileyB]

45 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I don’t know what he or she would do if I told her, but I feel as if I need to take my chances.

What is your reason for telling her? And what is your desired outcome?

Because this - 

Quote

I understand this but I am just so hurt.

Is not a good enough reason. If you are hurting you have the right to end the relationship.

Because you hurt does not give you the right to inflict pain on an innocent person. 

Edited June 23, 2021 by BaileyB

[PhoenixRising8]

50 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I don’t know what he or she would do if I told her, but I feel as if I need to take my chances.

What is your end game?  Are you hoping she’ll throw him out and he’ll come running to you?  That thinking would be both delusional and self destructive. You are seriously entering bunny boiler territory. There is no good reason to tell her. That you are prepared to take your chances when you have so much to loose if she or he get vengeful speaks to your extreme self absorption and hatred/jealousy of her. Do you really want to risk your reputation, livelihood and daughters?  If you do, I really feel sorry for you. 
 

My grandmother had a saying I think is appropriate in the circumstance: be careful of digging a grave for someone lest you fall into it yourself. She was a wise woman. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, LShalcy said:

How could he lead such a double life?! What gives him the right?!

Whatever gave you the right to continue seeing him even after finding out he was married, I would wager. 

[basil67]

I agree with those telling you to not send the email to his wife.  It could create a tit for tat situation with your nudes being ammunition.   

At this point, your self protection is paramount.

[BiancaSW]

5 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I understand this but I am just so hurt. Yes, I found out two months ago and yes we  continued, so it’s not a complete surprise obviously - but to see those pictures was devastating. She definitely has no idea her husband is cheating on her. 
 

My hands started shaking as I looked through those pictures and I couldn’t get them to stop.The picture he sent me that I knew his wife had taken? There were more, including them together arms around each other, him as if her were about to kiss her cheek.
 

How could he lead such a double life?! What gives him the right?! I am just so angry, so hurt. I thought I had settled into this accepted state of constant depression/fear/anxiety but this is worse than anything by far. 
 

I don’t know what he or she would do if I told her, but I feel as if I need to take my chances.

Don’t send her an email!!! - I was in the same mindset once - wanted to let MMs wife know about us... I never did. OMG. I told his colleagues - not on purpose just because it turned out like that - that was the biggest mistake I could ever make - still beating myself up for it.

in my situation MM told the wife HIMSELF about us and she tried to contact me - I never spoke to her but I became their WORST enemy for NO f***** reason - HE was the one who told her. They teamed up against me - yep, the person i loved did it because he got caught!! At the end it was so bad I had to get a restriction order letter so she stops trying to contact me via third parties.

please, don’t send that email - it will backfire and You will hate yourself for doing it for many many months to come!!

what to do - you draft it. Reread it, rewrite it - draft it again, save it, reread it. Keep adjusting and rewriting and once you get sick of it - bin it. Never ever send it. She will not believe you and no matter how much evidence you will present her with - he will deny deny deny everything!! And she will believe him because she will want to save her marriage.

Edited June 23, 2021 by BiancaSW

[BiancaSW]

23 hours ago, LShalcy said:

So I did a lot of digging and found his Facebook. I think he had me blocked so I created a whole new account because I couldn’t ever find him.
 

and I am devastated.

almost every post, a note to his wife. Constant “I love you’s” etc. the same memes he sends to me? He tags her on them on Facebook. The same funny pictures and jokes he sends me - he tags her on them.

who in their right mind does that?!!! I am so utterly ashamed and embarrassed and SAD.

and when he was busy all last weekend? Third wedding anniversary

I texted him that no, we are not meeting on Friday. My hands are shaking so much I can barely type. 

I hate what he did to you by involving you in his life and making you to fall for him. We can’t control who we love, sometimes the feeling is so strong we cannot fight it!! I know what I am talking about

I know EXACTLY how it feels - I know what nightmare you are going through!! It’s so painful to know he is spendings time with HER, while you are sitting and waiting for him to contact you. Wee signs of affection towards her hurt like hell. It sucks so much!!

Please don't do anything silly - make sure whatever you do - they cannot start any legal action against you. Always be on a high horse from the legal aspect. 

He cannot share your nudes - it’s a criminal offence, but he can show it to her. My MM had no pictures to show but he MADE them up in a verbal way and the wife blamed me for luring him in through my “nudes and videos” and destroying his innocence. And never send his nude or provocative pictures to ANYONE. You will most likely end up with a criminal record. 

Edited June 23, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
langauge

[NYAG]

9 hours ago, LShalcy said:

So I did a lot of digging and found his Facebook. I think he had me blocked so I created a whole new account because I couldn’t ever find him.
 

and I am devastated.

almost every post, a note to his wife. Constant “I love you’s” etc. the same memes he sends to me? He tags her on them on Facebook. The same funny pictures and jokes he sends me - he tags her on them.

who in their right mind does that?!!! I am so utterly ashamed and embarrassed and SAD.

and when he was busy all last weekend? Third wedding anniversary

I texted him that no, we are not meeting on Friday. My hands are shaking so much I can barely type. 

You thought you were special. That's how they hook you. You weren't. Of course he was circulating the same pictures, jokes etc. He's not clever enough and doesn't care enough to think you are different people. You're just a wife extension. You're not special. OWs never are. I wouldn't even waste my time tracking him. Walking away is all you need to do.

[BiancaSW]

14 hours ago, NYAG said:

You thought you were special. That's how they hook you. You weren't. Of course he was circulating the same pictures, jokes etc. He's not clever enough and doesn't care enough to think you are different people. You're just a wife extension. You're not special. OWs never are. I wouldn't even waste my time tracking him. Walking away is all you need to do.

yes and no. OW is WHAT MM makes her to be. It depends on the person he is and how he treats a new lady, who he’s chosen to voluntarily engage in his life. If he is not a liar and follows up with his promises - OW might be the happiest girl in the world! If he treats her badly - she will be miserable. Her status and internal emotional state is a reflection of what he is as a man and what he does for her in order to make her feel like a priority 

Edited June 23, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[elaine567]

I don't really know what you expected?
You stuck in there thinking he was bound to ultimately choose you, that his wife was an inconvenience that he would soon ditch.
You were the replacement and it was only a matter of time before he would install you in your rightful place as his partner and lover... 
As you were around he could not possibly love and cherish his wife...
BUT wrong!
As you have found out, she is the one he loves and cherishes, you are "the other woman"..
The woman who will let him act out his sexual fantasies, but you are the sidepiece, the mistress...
You can't beat it, you can't make him take you seriously.
You are the side show and she and his child are the main act...  

There is a thing called dignity.
Walk away with your head held high.
You got it wrong, you made a mistake, you lost, own it and learn a lesson..
Lashing out will hurt a lot of people including you and keep you stuck for weeks, months even years....
Just let it go. 
Stay out of the mire.
Onwards and upwards.

[basil67]

39 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

 follows up with his promises - OW might be the happiest girl in the world! 

Until she gets nervous with the realisation that if he cheats with her, he'll cheat on her.

[Crazelnut]

4 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

He cannot share your nudes - it’s a criminal offence, but he can show it to her.

I don't believe that a man who happily breaks his marriage vows really gives a flip about following the law. He's not exactly a rule followerer. He will do whatever achieves his goal -- making himself happy.

[pepperbird2]

op,

Sorry if this has already been addressed in the thread.

I'm wondering if part of the confusion and pain you're is that when he says he loves you, cares about you etc. it feels so real. That's likely because, at least to him, it is real. It could be that he loves you, in as much as he is capable of loving anyone. he likely also loves his wife and child the same way.
The problem is, it's a shallow, self centred sort of love. It's not love for you or them  per se, but love for what others give to him. It's also tied up with external images. A perfect example of this is the way he sends you all these photos of him with his daughter. Could be I'm old fashioned, but when my kids were small, I spent the time with them playing and interacting. I wasn't worried about taking a whole bunch of pictures all the time, because that would have taken me out of being with them. It sounds very much to me like these photos are, at least in his mind, a way to prove to the world that he's a good dad. Like I said it's all about external images. When he shows them to you, your loving heart take sit as a sign he's a god dad and sharing his life with you, and he knows that. It makes him seem safe to you.

In your shoes, I would be asking myself how this man, who claimed to love me, could possibly lie, even if by omission, to my face day after a day after day.  How could he possibly be willing to risk putting me through a horrible time if he really cared? Again, he's showing you his emotional depth. He's not capable of putting others ahead of himself, and that doesn't matter if you're his ow, his wife, his child or anyone else. He will always come first. Don't take that as a reflection of your worth and value as a person. You could be the perfect combination of a porn star. martha stewart and miss universe, and he would still treat you like this That's because it's coming form inside him- something inside him says it's okay to treat people like dirt if it gets him what he wants. He was like that before you came along, and he will continue on in the same fashion. It's not your fault, his wife's fault or anyone elses. It's all in him. A selfish toddler who never really grew up.

Edited June 23, 2021 by pepperbird2

[stillafool]

14 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

OW is WHAT MM makes her to be....

This is utterly ridiculous thinking.  OW is what she choses to be and makes of herself.  MM is not holding a gun to her head demanding she be his mistress.  She goes into it eyes wide open knowing this is a married man (someone else's husband); thinking they're so special that he is going to give up his wife because another woman allows him to have sex with her no strings attached.  Her status and emotional state is what she allowed from a man she had no right to in the first place.  Stop blaming the MM for your poor decisions.  OW are not the victim unless she had no idea he was married when they got involved.  If she knows she'd better be able to roll with the punches because they're coming.

Edited June 23, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language in quote

[pepperbird2]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

This is utterly ridiculous thinking.  OW is what she choses to be and makes of herself.  MM is not holding a gun to her head demanding she be his mistress.  She goes into it eyes wide open knowing this is a married man (someone else's husband); thinking they're so special that he is going to give up his wife because another woman allows him to have sex with her no strings attached.  Her status and emotional state is what she allowed from a man she had no right to in the first place.  Stop blaming the MM for your poor decisions.  OW are not the victim unless she had no idea he was married when they got involved.  If she knows she'd better be able to roll with the punches because they're coming.

There should be a special place in hell for people who lie about their marital status like the op's MM did. He allowed her (and encouraged her) to create a future with him, he knew full well he would never be able to give her.
It's sick.

[BiancaSW]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

People make poor decisions all the time - consider the fact that he even has videos as evidence of this. Making those videos puts her job a risk, if they are ever shared. And while it is against the law, people sadly do it every day. 

This is not a man that I would want to test.

well why would she lose her job due to private videos? It’s her own agenda - what she does in her private time. He on the other hand would be commiting serious criminal offence and will 100% lose HIS job. 

[BiancaSW]

32 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

op,

Sorry if this has already been addressed in the thread.

I'm wondering if part of the confusion and pain you're is that when he says he loves you, cares about you etc. it feels so real. That's likely because, at least to him, it is real. It could be that he loves you, in as much as he is capable of loving anyone. he likely also loves his wife and child the same way.
The problem is, it's a shallow, self centred sort of love. It's not love for you or them  per se, but love for what others give to him. It's also tied up with external images. A perfect example of this is the way he sends you all these photos of him with his daughter. Could be I'm old fashioned, but when my kids were small, I spent the time with them playing and interacting. I wasn't worried about taking a whole bunch of pictures all the time, because that would have taken me out of being with them. It sounds very much to me like these photos are, at least in his mind, a way to prove to the world that he's a good dad. Like I said it's all about external images. When he shows them to you, your loving heart take sit as a sign he's a god dad and sharing his life with you, and he knows that. It makes him seem safe to you.

In your shoes, I would be asking myself how this man, who claimed to love me, could possibly lie, even if by omission, to my face day after a day after day.  How could he possibly be willing to risk putting me through a horrible time if he really cared? Again, he's showing you his emotional depth. He's not capable of putting others ahead of himself, and that doesn't matter if you're his ow, his wife, his child or anyone else. He will always come first. Don't take that as a reflection of your worth and value as a person. You could be the perfect combination of a porn star. martha stewart and miss universe, and he would still treat you like this That's because it's coming form inside him- something inside him says it's okay to treat people like dirt if it gets him what he wants. He was like that before you came along, and he will continue on in the same fashion. It's not your fault, his wife's fault or anyone elses. It's all in him. A selfish toddler who never really grew up.

this is very well said!

[BaileyB]

Your story is valid Bianca, thank you for posting. OP needs to understand that once the news is revealed to the wife, she has absolutely no control of the situation at that point. Unfortunately for you, the consequences were quite serious. 

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, BiancaSW said:

Yeah. OW can leave, BS can leave too... but what if they don’t want to leave - then it’s kinda up to him

Why would OW expect BS to leave when she is the one he actually proposed to, said vows and promises in front of her friends and family, had babies together, bought and share a home together and are legally married?  You're right it is up to him to decide who he wants to be with which most times is his wife.  The MM who are planning to leave for the OW start making concrete plans to be with her (which seems to be happening with the MM on the other thread you referenced) setting up a business together and looking at real estate to buy.  He's putting his money into it and that is why people know he's serious about his OW.  They probably will end up together; but that is as rare as a black canary.

 

10 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

it’s easy to think so rationally unless you are exactly in that situation and you love the person and want to believe everything he says.

There is also a thing called common sense and proof.  If he isn't presenting proof that he's left his wife use your common sense and realize it's not happening.

[PhoenixRising8]

17 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

well why would she lose her job due to private videos

She is a teacher who is in an affair with a married man, making sex videos and neglecting her job duties (late report cards, on LS during class etc).  If the videos were shared there would be consequences because you know .... moral turpitude. And neglect of duty. oh yes, and if she is using school Wi-Fi or equipment, there is a digital trail of what she is doing online during class hours.

Edited June 23, 2021 by PhoenixRising8