After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[LShalcy]

10 hours ago, S2B said:

You were the one who said you weren’t taking time away from his family - I clarified by saying he does miss time with his family every time he’s paying attention to you. When he texts, calls and you go spend time with him.

you are helping him ruin his family/marriage.

and be careful - you end up with him… he will do that to you too.

you would be better off ending it now. He’s no prize. Stop helping him cheat. He will find another willing OW within a week.

notify The website you met on. He will do it again.

You’re missing the point. I’m not helping him ruin anything. They’re not my family so I have no allegiance or concern to them. He’s ruining it, not me. 

[Allupinnit]

On 6/19/2021 at 3:24 AM, LShalcy said:

You’re missing the point. I’m not helping him ruin anything. They’re not my family so I have no allegiance or concern to them. He’s ruining it, not me. 

I know that people like to absolve themselves of any morality if they're not the ones *technically* cheating.   Yet you're an intruder, you know it, and yet you're not staying in your lane.  That's HER life you're messing with.  Now it's part of your story, too.  The mistress.  

I'm also positive that telling yourself the above doesn't help you sleep any better at night, because it's just another lie to add to the pile of lies being flown around that is your life right now. [ ]

Edited June 19, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I can’t be unfaithful to someone who was basically cheating on me for two years.

You are spitting hairs.

You have had sex with another man so if you have sex with your MM again without telling him the truth, you are exposing this man and his unsuspecting wife to whatever STDs you have have encountered. That is a rotten thing to do to other people. So, before you go arguing your behavior is somehow more respectable/less reprehensible, you should ask yourself again - is this really the kind of person that you want to be be?

13 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

He has no right to ask me to be faithful to him when he goes home to a wife. 

True. But the fact that he expects this tells you a lot about the man - does it not? 

Edited June 18, 2021 by BaileyB

[LShalcy]

7 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Did you see him again @LShalcy?  Is the shine starting to wear off the man?

I was supposed to see him. He calls and tells me he couldn’t get off work. Then he tells me he’s been using all his personal days to see me and has to wait at least another week to make up some time. So I ask him if I’m really supposed to wait all this time and what about his regular day off then? He says he needs to spend that day with his daughter. After he says that, I basically cut him off for the entire day, no texts, no calls, nothing. He begins love bombing my phone with texts (“is this really it?” I’m so sorry for everything” etc), memes, pictures (he even sent a picture of him as a little kid, asking could I really be mad at that face) and keeps calling. I meant to not respond but I accidental hit a reaction to one of his texts so that started the conversation again. Magically (I guess) he says he can see me next week. I say, I don’t know. So now he’s asking how can he make it up to me somehow. 
 

so, yes I am beginning to get more frustrated with him and I guess some of the shine is wearing off. 

[Allupinnit]

I mean, you're in a typical affair now.  Love bombing you is part of the deal. 

[LShalcy]

7 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

I know that people like to absolve themselves of any morality if they're not the ones *technically* cheating, but there is a reason people are called "home wreckers" - because you're an intruder, you know it, and yet you're not staying in your lane.  That's HER life you're messing with.  Now it's part of your story, too.  The mistress.  

I'm also positive that telling yourself the above doesn't help you sleep any better at night, because it's just another lie to add to the pile of lies being flown around that is your life right now.  Best of all you are good at lying to yourself.

No, if I said I had a bunch of concern and care for his wife, then that would be a lie. I literally have not one care to spare for her. If that sounds bad, I apologize. But it’s the absolute truth.

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I’m not helping him ruin anything. They’re not my family so I have no allegiance or concern to them.

You may need to tell yourself this to sleep at night, but you don’t fool anyone by trying to pass the blame to the man. There is an element of personal accountability here that is sorely lacking. 

When an individual robs a bank and they are caught, both that person that held the gun and the person who drove the get away car get charged, convicted, and serve time. While the person who committed the robbery will get a longer sentence, the person who aided and was an accessory to the crime is not absolved of their responsibility because they were not the one holding the gun. 

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I was supposed to see him. He calls and tells me he couldn’t get off work. Then he tells me he’s been using all his personal days to see me and has to wait at least another week to make up some time. So I ask him if I’m really supposed to wait all this time and what about his regular day off then? He says he needs to spend that day with his daughter. After he says that, I basically cut him off for the entire day, no texts, no calls, nothing. He begins love bombing my phone with texts (“is this really it?” I’m so sorry for everything” etc), memes, pictures (he even sent a picture of him as a little kid, asking could I really be mad at that face) and keeps calling. I meant to not respond but I accidental hit a reaction to one of his texts so that started the conversation again. Magically (I guess) he says he can see me next week. I say, I don’t know. So now he’s asking how can he make it up to me somehow. 
 

so, yes I am beginning to get more frustrated with him and I guess some of the shine is wearing off. 

This is ridiculously predictable. 

[ExpatInItaly]

11 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

if I said I had a bunch of concern and care for his wife, then that would be a lie. I literally have not one care to spare for her

Then you can't expect people to feel sorry for you when you're crying into your Cheerios about this.

Like attracts like. 

[stillafool]

13 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I meant to not respond but I accidental hit a reaction to one of his texts so that started the conversation again.

LOL!  Really? Okay

[Bittersweetie]

When I was in my A, I strongly compartmentalized MM's wife. She was his problem, not mine. I thought about her very little.

One night MM and I stayed out late having a good time. I found out later that during that time, his wife was out of town for work in a third world country on a humanitarian mission. (I am not making this up.) And he had hired a babysitter to watch his kids, both under 5 at the time.

Let's say that again: while his wife left her family and traveled out of the country to help others, this MM left his young kids with a babysitter so he could go out with another woman. 

And that woman was ME.

I was horrified, and I still am about my part in all of this. Yes, one could say that if it wasn't me it would've been someone else. But it WAS ME and I participated not only in lying to my own husband but in allowing someone else to lie and cheat with their spouse. One can choose to treat others with respect or one can not. I chose back then to disrespect others for my own selfish purposes and I regret it every day.

LShalcy, What kind of person do you want to be moving forward? Are your current actions/choices supporting that goal?

[LShalcy]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

LOL!  Really? Okay

I really didn’t. I really wanted to basically see how long he would continue to text/call without any response from me. Lame, I know but it’s the truth. 

Edited June 18, 2021 by LShalcy

[LShalcy]

4 minutes ago, Bittersweetie said:

When I was in my A, I strongly compartmentalized MM's wife. She was his problem, not mine. I thought about her very little.

One night MM and I stayed out late having a good time. I found out later that during that time, his wife was out of town for work in a third world country on a humanitarian mission. (I am not making this up.) And he had hired a babysitter to watch his kids, both under 5 at the time.

Let's say that again: while his wife left her family and traveled out of the country to help others, this MM left his young kids with a babysitter so he could go out with another woman. 

And that woman was ME.

I was horrified, and I still am about my part in all of this. Yes, one could say that if it wasn't me it would've been someone else. But it WAS ME and I participated not only in lying to my own husband but in allowing someone else to lie and cheat with their spouse. One can choose to treat others with respect or one can not. I chose back then to disrespect others for my own selfish purposes and I regret it every day.

LShalcy, What kind of person do you want to be moving forward? Are your current actions/choices supporting that goal?

Retrospectively, you felt bad and regret it. Perhaps, one day I will also feed bad. But that day is not today. 

[Bittersweetie]

 

16 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

Retrospectively, you felt bad and regret it. Perhaps, one day I will also feed bad. But that day is not today. 

True. Could you please answer my question in the last line of my post? Because I am beginning to wonder if you actually want to address this issue or make a change in your current situation. 

22 minutes ago, Bittersweetie said:

LShalcy, What kind of person do you want to be moving forward? Are your current actions/choices supporting that goal?

Edited June 18, 2021 by Bittersweetie

[PhoenixRising8]

I doubt I will get an answer but I for one would like to know, how often per week did you see him and how often did he cancel, pre-revelation compared to now.  Sounds like you've only seen him a couple of times in the last 6 weeks and now he has cancelled because he has no days left to take.  Or maybe there is someone more fun he is seeing instead.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

That’s your perception of it

To be fair, it’s everyone’s perception based on the information you have shared. 

Context is everything. If he was a single guy and you were to tell us that you had been dating for a two months and you were having wild monkey sex we would probably think that you were in the infatuation stage of a new relationship. Not a mature committed relationship - one in which he had cooked you dinner at his home, you had met his friends and family, you had cared for him when he was sick, you had been away together, etc… But still, perhaps building something… 

The fact that he was a married man looking for a woman on a dating site who found a partner willing to allow him to film your sexual encounters puts this “relationship” into an entirely different context. 

Edited June 18, 2021 by BaileyB

[pepperbird2]

17 hours ago, LShalcy said:

You’re missing the point. I’m not helping him ruin anything. They’re not my family so I have no allegiance or concern to them. He’s ruining it, not me. 

he couldn't do it without you.

[pepperbird2]

18 hours ago, LShalcy said:

No, if I said I had a bunch of concern and care for his wife, then that would be a lie. I literally have not one care to spare for her. If that sounds bad, I apologize. But it’s the absolute truth.

op,

don't you see...you get back what you give. It's not "karma' so much as the end result of choices you make.
You helped a man to cheat on is spouse. By doing so, you invited dishonesty into your life. You invited a man who you know you can't trust and who you know has absolutely no porblem lying if it gets him what he wants to take up space in your heart and mind,and now here you are.

I know you don't see him cheating on his wife as bad, and don't care how hurt she is or what he has done to her as an issue, but you really should. Not out of care and concern for her, but because he is showing you how he treats those he claims to love.

One more thing...I get the appeal of blaming all of this on him and his wife ( the typical "he's a wonderful man who would never cheat but for his witch of a wife") but that's what a child does. Just like she can't blame you for his actions, you can't blame her...yet you do. The danger is that is it takes away your power. You don't have to live like this. You don't have to be in this sort of pain. You have different paths you can choose to take. You can choose short term pain ( end the affair full stop and telling him to hit the road for good) and long term happiness, or you can choose short term happiness ( enjoy the ego kibbles, as the saying goes) and long term pain.


Still can't walk away? Try this. Think of how his wife feels about all of this. How much pain she must be in, how angry, scared and alone she feels. She;s also got a child and what the impact of all of this is on them to consider as well.  As hard as it may be, put your anger and disdain for her to the side, Se her as a human being who has been treated really shabbily by her husband. Imagine how you would feel in her shoes. What you you be thinking/feeling? What would you be afraid of? What would it do to your self esteem?

Once you feel you have an inkling of what this is doing to her, swap her out and put yourself in her place. That is your future should you stay with this guy. This is a man who makes a woman feel that way without so much as a pinprick of conscience. You can not change him. He is what he is. He's sitting there, likely a smug smile on his face, knowing he's got at least two women in a tizzy over him. I expect it's a huge boost to his ego.

 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

@pepperbird I think you made a super good attempt at demonstrating empathy and trying to get OP to understand empathy and why it's important.

I totally agree with your comments about inviting dishonesty into one's life, etc.

Unfortunately, lack of empathy is one of the things OP and her MM seem to have most in common apparently. For OP, it's not just lack of empathy for MM'S BS, but also her own children, her students, society (her impact on her students and lack of self-governance/responsibility in her job performance), and even for MM's child by extension. All that matters to OP is her, her fantasy, her outcome with MM, and what she is/is not getting from him. I'm not sure she has the capacity for empathy based on the above.

OP, are you capable of putting yourself in another's shoes? Are you able to act when something does not involve your own enrichment? Have you ever reflected on this? When is the last time you did for someone else (not MM) that was to benefit them without benefiting yourself?

Edited June 19, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Consider each post giving advice or perspective something like the following...

Where:

A = Individual poster's personal life experiences including observating others he/she has known irl

B = Individual poster has read many threads on LS (and observed commonalties in other posters' stories)

C = Input from your posts

D = advice/perspective offered by individual poster

A+B+C=D

It's wise that if you see the same advice/perspective repeating from several posters to consider it likely has at least a kernal of truth in it. 

[RebeccaR]

I get that you shared personal thoughts, but since he didn’t share the crucial personal information that he was married, it kind of puts this soul-baring in a different light. This is not a minor personal omission. 

[LynneVicious]

Op,

Sorry you’re hurting.

question I think other posters are wondering: compared to past relationships, was this one generally the same as far as socially? Did you guys go on dates, the movies, beach etc? Like normal dating/relationship progression?

[HappyAgain2014]

[]

Couple of things to note:

• He didn’t leave his wife when he confessed to being married. That told you everything you needed to know. 
• His wife seemingly knows nothing about this yet you vacillate between being angry and indifferent to her. Isn’t her betrayal much worse than yours? She’s tied with this sob for the rest of her life because of their child. 
• This guy sounded like a mediocre boyfriend even before you knew he was married. You’ve never met his family or friends? Never been to his home? I’m struggling to understand how you felt valued long before you realized you were his side piece. 
• They all say they’ve never felt such a connection. Never done certain sexual things with anyone else. It’s all part of the grooming to make you feel special because, the more special you feel, the more special you think they are. It’s all bs based on the fact that MM have to put their game into overdrive to find someone willing to put up with their crap. 

I’m not a betrayed spouse. I was an OW many years ago who finally woke up and realized it was all a fantasy.  Blew it straight up and told his wife in the most respectful way possible. Never looked back. 

Edited June 22, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Off topic

[LShalcy]

So I did a lot of digging and found his Facebook. I think he had me blocked so I created a whole new account because I couldn’t ever find him.
 

and I am devastated.

almost every post, a note to his wife. Constant “I love you’s” etc. the same memes he sends to me? He tags her on them on Facebook. The same funny pictures and jokes he sends me - he tags her on them.

who in their right mind does that?!!! I am so utterly ashamed and embarrassed and SAD.

and when he was busy all last weekend? Third wedding anniversary

I texted him that no, we are not meeting on Friday. My hands are shaking so much I can barely type. 

Edited June 22, 2021 by LShalcy
.

[LShalcy]

I have started composing an email to his wife. (Before anyone asks, I never asked for his Facebook because I don’t use it - my last post was who knows how many years ago - my profile picture is my 13 year old - when she was 7).

Edited June 22, 2021 by LShalcy