After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[vla1120]

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

And what wife never has access to her husbands phone - ever? I’m sure I am muted when she is with him, but she’s married to him and tolerates him keeping a lock on his phone at all times?! But she has him and i don’t so who I am to judge her? Some part of me wants her to know and ruin this farce of him being this perfect family man. I want her to see one of those tapes - how will she feel then?! Like I feel now. 

You are correct. Who are you to judge her? Your anger and frustration is misplaced. She is a victim just like you were - before you uncovered the fact that he was married. That was well over a month ago. Now, you are a willing participant in the deceit. I don't know why you would wish your pain and sorrow on another woman who has done you NO wrong.

Why don't you reach as far down as you can and muster up some STRENGTH so you can kick this loser to the curb once and for all. Stop groveling. Stop giving in to your middle school tendencies and be DONE with him. Move on with your life. Put your focus back where it belongs, on your children and your livelihood!! He's just a human being (and not a very good one, at that.) Feelings fade (if you give them time.) Let all of this GO!

[stillafool]

13 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

So I asked him to clarify what he meant and this was his text back: I was saying that the stuff I would do with her is basic and everything I can do to you it's amazing fireworks every time.

LOL, Really?  What else did you expect him to say? "Because you let me do things to you I wouldn't even ask my wife to do".

[HadMeOverABarrel]

12 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

So I asked him to clarify what he meant and this was his text back: I was saying that the stuff I would do with her is basic and everything I can do to you it's amazing fireworks every time.

^^^What he writes. 

What you think he is saying: You're so special to me. We have a real and lasting connection, so much better than I have with my wife. It is you who I really want and love.

What he is actually saying: I 'love' and 'respect' my wife (in his own way which is not commendable by most people's standards) too much to treat her like a trashy sex toy, but with you I have no such concerns. With you, I can act out however I please without concern for you or how it impacts you. It feels great...FOR ME! 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I didn’t take anytime away from his family and I am not harming his family. He is. 
 

if he isn’t concerned about that, why should I be? I’m not. 
 

I’m  just wondering if his wife suspects anything. How could she not suspect something? I’m sure he sweet talks her and they enjoy their little date nights as evidenced by that picture. 

Well if you aren't concerned about her stop talking about her and just enjoy what part of MM you have. Stop being jealous of his wife.  Just stay in your lane.

[introverted1]

@LShalcy You are very selective about the posts/questions you respond to.

Quote

You met on a dating site and he had a child.  Most people have initial conversations around what they are looking for, how long they've been single, what caused the demise of their last relationship, etc.  How did you manage to skip all that, not just at the beginning but for two full years?  At the same time, your friends and family would surely have asked some of these questions about him to you. How did you respond?

Can you address this? 

Also, since your family thinks he is a regular bf and that you are still seeing him (you said they assumed it was him you were seeing when you had your date with the other guy), how did you explain his lack of presence at your sister's shower/dinner? Does your sister know the real story and that's why she watches your kids for you?

Someone else asked and it's a good question: Why are you resistant to seeking counseling when it's clear you are unable to gain control over your emotions/life?

[Starswillshine]

2 hours ago, LShalcy said:

And what wife never has access to her husbands phone - ever? I’m sure I am muted when she is with him, but she’s married to him and tolerates him keeping a lock on his phone at all times?! But she has him and i don’t so who I am to judge her? Some part of me wants her to know and ruin this farce of him being this perfect family man. I want her to see one of those tapes - how will she feel then?! Like I feel now. 

Likely a wife who trusts her husband, and he is abusing that trust. 

Has he ever told you he loves you? Has he ever used the "L" word outside of "I love being with you," "I love our time together," "I love f******* you."????? Because everything you ever say in regards to his feelings is only sexual in nature. Sex=/=Love. Freaky sex=/=Love

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, LShalcy said:

and I want to ask him, how long does he expect me to be celibate and wait around for him?

Do you have no input, no influence?
Why are you hanging around waiting for a man who is obviously quite happily married to "my love"...
 Do you really believe sex trumps his wife and his family?
He has not come running after you, pleading for forgiveness NO, he is hoping you will slot right back into the way it was before you found out he had a wife.
You are supposed to be an educated woman, so why haven't you figured out the reality of the situation and do the dignified thing and leave him to it, instead of acting like some sex crazed addict waiting for your next fix...
 

[LShalcy]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

You are supposed to be an educated woman, so why haven't you figured out the reality of the situation and do the dignified thing and leave him to it, instead of acting like some sex crazed addict waiting for your next fix...
 

I am definitely not a “sex crazed addict waiting for [my] next fix”.
 

Sex is not hard to find, I feel much more emotionally connected to him than anything else. and we don’t just talk about sex - that just  seems to be what everyone thinks. 

[RebeccaR]

You feel emotionally connected to him, but his investment in your “relationship” seems to be primarily about sex. Would you agree? Can you accept that you may be projecting your emotional attachment onto him, where it doesn’t exist?

sure, he sends you a sweet comforting text when you have a bad day at work. That’s the price of admission for him and he’s happy to pay it (realistically it just takes a minute out of his life). That’s not what a relationship is built on.

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I am definitely not a “sex crazed addict waiting for [my] next fix”.
 

Sex is not hard to find, I feel much more emotionally connected to him than anything else. and we don’t just talk about sex - that just  seems to be what everyone thinks. 

You are more emotionally connected to him than anything else. Sex is an expression of the love and emotional connection you feel for the man.

The men on this board often say differently. For men in affair, the primary motivation and benefit is sex. He knows what your currency is and he exploits that to get what he wants. Just like you know what his currency is (adventurous sex, filmed for prosperity) and you exploit that to get what you want. Do you both still enjoy the other - probably. But, you have formed a mutually beneficial relationship in which you are both getting your primary needs met. 

Women mistake sex for love all the time. Don’t make the mistake that he thinks or feels the same way that you do because he doesn’t. He is not you. And men think about sex and relationships very, very differently than women do. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

So I asked him to clarify what he meant and this was his text back: I was saying that the stuff I would do with her is basic and everything I can do to you it's amazing fireworks every time.

Smooth. 

Notice, he is still having sex with his wife. He doesn’t even attempt to deny it. Most MM on this site will at least try to make this more palatable for their OW by telling them stories about how their wives are not interested, they live separate lives and sleep in separate bedrooms. Not your guy. His message to you, yeah I’m having sex with my wife - deal with it. His strategy is to flatter you by telling you how wonderful the sex is with you - because he knows this is your currency. You like to feel wanted, you like to please, you want his attention and approval, and now you need to feel “more than” his wife. You take all of this as more proof of an “emotional connection” while to him, it’s just what he has to do to get sex. He knows a few nice words and she falls into bed… I wouldn’t take this as a compliment or a sign of his affection for you. Even basic sex with the woman you love is good sex. 

Edited June 16, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I want to ask him, how long does he expect me to be celibate and wait around for him? Indefinitely?

Yes. He has made it clear that his expectation is that he will keep his wife, and have sex with you. While he expects you to stay loyal and exclusive to him. That’s not going to change next week. It’s not going to change next month. Or next year. If you are in a relationship with the man, this is what he expects of you. 

If you don’t like it, if you think it’s arrogant and entitled and you don’t think it’s fair, dump him!

[pepperbird2]

28 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I am definitely not a “sex crazed addict waiting for [my] next fix”.
 

Sex is not hard to find, I feel much more emotionally connected to him than anything else. and we don’t just talk about sex - that just  seems to be what everyone thinks. 

but that's the thing. you are NOT emotionally connected to him. it's all projection and wishful thinking on your part.
I once read that, in an affair, it's really easy to make plans, use high flung language, make promises etc. because it's all in a bubble. It's easy to promise the moon when it's not yours to give and you'll never have to actually do it anyway. 

If you still can't help yourself, look at it this way. If you had an adult son or daughter, and they were in your shoes. what would you advise them? Would you advise them to stay and continue to pine, or would you advise them to walk away?

[pepperbird2]

9 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Smooth. 

Notice, he is still having sex with his wife. It may not be as exciting as the sex that he with you (which is how he measures value in your relationship as per his original comment), but they are having sex. 

op,

this is not meant as a dig at you, but really, really really think about this. He is, without her knowing it, exposing his wife to potential physical and mental health risks by having sex with you. If this were two other people, say a good friend of your and her hsuband, how would you feel about it? How would you feel about a man who, without her knowledge or consent, exposes his wife to this sort of thing? Would you think it was awful or would you excuse it?

That's what's he's doing. THAT'S who he is.

I'm not asking you to have any empathy or sympathy for his wife. I'm just saying that he is showing you who he is. he's not like this because of his wife...he's like this because it's who he is, and if it wasn't you he was cheating with, it would be somebody else. When you love someone, you never want to see them hurt. you wouldn't engage in behaviour that hurts them, yet this man is doing it to at least TWO women (you and his wife) plus who knows how many others, and the worst part of all? He feel 100 percent entitled to do so because it makes him feel good.

Please explain to me how that is "love"?

[BaileyB]

25 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

but that's the thing. you are NOT emotionally connected to him. it's all projection and wishful thinking on your part.

This is really true. You feel like you have an emotional connection to the man, but it is a house built on sand. He lies to you about the fact that he is married - that’s one crack in the foundation. He has sex with his wife and tells you about it - that’s another crack in the foundation. You want him to come to your gathering and he is not available, that’s another crack in the foundation…

Sincerely, have you been able to sit and talk with him honestly about your feelings since this was all revealed? Have you shared with him in person your hurt, your pain, your disappointment? Has he responded with kindness, empathy, and understanding? What has he done to ease your pain? Does he text you to ask how you are coping? Does he ask how this is affecting your sleep, your work, or your children? Does he show any concern for your well-being at all? Does he offer you anything more than a vague “I’m working on it…” and “I don’t want you to have sex with any other men.” Sincerely - this is what it means to have an emotional connection with a man. You can be vulnerable, share your feelings and he will respond to offer comfort and support. He will wrap you in his arms and tell you that while he may not be able to solve your problem, he will be with you such that you are not alone. If he has not done these things, you do not have an emotional connection. What you have is a personal coping strategy in which you use your involvement with this man to deal with your loneliness, stress, and anxiety. 

Edited June 16, 2021 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

We only think based on what you have written here.

Respectfully, THAT is not true. I've seen a LOT of stuff projected into this thread (and particularly the earlier one), including stuff that eventually got deleted by mods, that seems to have much more to do with whatever's going on inside the responder's mind than what has been provided by OP.

She may addicted in some sense (e.g. limerence, possibly or just general neediness from a lonely single mother) but I doubt it's to the sex part, and OP has indicated that as well.

This is not to bash you (or anyone else, really) as your reads tend IMO to be quite reasonable ones, and we all necessarily project a bit around here.

Edited June 16, 2021 by mark clemson

[LShalcy]

34 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

They're well-suited for each other.  As she is now cheating on him and lying to him as well. *shrug* 

Some people just insist on leading chaotic lives, as evidenced by the choices they make.

I can’t be cheating on him as he’s already married. I lied to him as he lied to me too so *shrug* 

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, what are you going to do when he eventually gets bored of you or his wife finds out and he drops you?

[PhoenixRising8]

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

I can’t be cheating on him as he’s already married. I lied to him as he lied to me

I doubt he would agree.  Have you not figured out yet that what is good for the goose is not good for the gander in his view?  Why would you be desperate to hang on to someone who has made it very clear that rules that apply to you (fidelity/monogamy) do not apply to him?

[BaileyB]

47 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I want to address the poster above who is accusing me of taking him away from his family. They’re not my family - they’re his. If he wants to take his time and spend with me, he’s taking the time away from them, not me.

His responsibility is to his child the same way that your responsibility is to your own children. If you are texting with him, you are making the decision to take that time away from your children. That is yours to own. For the past month and half, if not before, you have been distracted, emotionally unstable, and you have absolutely no intention or plan to change that. 

[stillafool]

On 6/16/2021 at 7:42 AM, LShalcy said:

I want her to see one of those tapes - how will she feel then?! Like I feel now. 

Why do you want to hurt her?  She hasn't done anything to you.  You're jealous and your anger is misplaced.

[lana-banana]

On 6/16/2021 at 1:23 PM, LShalcy said:

I can’t be cheating on him as he’s already married. I lied to him as he lied to me too so *shrug* 

 

On 6/16/2021 at 7:42 AM, LShalcy said:

I want her to see one of those tapes - how will she feel then?! Like I feel now. 

 

On 6/16/2021 at 7:42 AM, LShalcy said:

I didn’t take anytime away from his family and I am not harming his family. He is. 
 

if he isn’t concerned about that, why should I be? I’m not.

All else aside, are you really proud of yourself, talking and behaving this way? Is this who you are?

[elaine567]

On 6/16/2021 at 6:23 PM, LShalcy said:

I can’t be cheating on him as he’s already married.  

To cheat is to be sexually unfaithful.
As far as he knows you have been sexually faithful, but you slept with another man.
You have been sexually unfaithful hence you cheated...
Whether he is married or not is immaterial to the definition.

[Allupinnit]

Did you see him again @LShalcy?  Is the shine starting to wear off the man?

[LShalcy]

7 hours ago, elaine567 said:

To cheat is to be sexually unfaithful.
As far as he knows you have been sexually faithful, but you slept with another man.
You have been sexually unfaithful hence you cheated...
Whether he is married or not is immaterial to the definition.

Still. I can’t be unfaithful to someone who was basically cheating on me for two years. He has no right to ask me to be faithful to him when he goes home to a wife.