After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[PhoenixRising8]

He doesn’t want you seeing anyone else because if you go bareback with him, you may go bareback with someone else. He doesn’t want to spoil a ‘good thing’ by bringing an STD home to BS. Would be hard to explain. How can you not see this?

And you’re concerned if you tell him he won’t want to see you?  Seriously, why do you want it to continue?  So you can continue to be miserable?  In the end, it’s your choice. 

[stillafool]

Are you that desperate for him LShalcy?

[LShalcy]

12 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Are you that desperate for him LShalcy?

Yes.

[BaileyB]

29 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

Yes.

It’s a darn shame that you don’t value yourself or your children more than this man. But until you do, there is not much anyone can say or do. He will use you as long as you agree to let him…

Edited June 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

I understand you may be sexually intoxicated by this “person”

I don’t think for her it’s sexual, although I do think she gets validation because he “wants” her and she has absolutely confused sex with love. I think the need here is emotional. A healthy and well adjusted woman, the mother of two girls, simply does not allow this in her life unless there is something really broken… 

I do agree. This, to me, is the saddest thread on the board right now. One of the most shocking, but also the saddest if for no other reason than she believes that she can’t let go…

Edited June 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

You should be out there dating single available men. It's none of his business because you're not exclusive.

It's impossible to be exclusive with someone who goes home to a spouse after they zip up and leave.

[Acacia98]

On 6/14/2021 at 6:16 PM, RebeccaR said:

 

@LShalcy: Get yourself a decent therapist and start attending sessions. You seem to live in a country where mental health resources are available. Make use of them. If you don't care enough to do it for your own sake, do it so that your kids have an emotionally healthy and present and actively engaged mother in their lives. I've seen you protesting to the high heavens that you're not neglecting your kids, but you're lying to yourself. When I was pre-teen and my siblings were teens, my maternal grandfather died. The result: my mum was depressed for more than a year. Theoretically, she was able to function and to do all the things that mothers are supposed to do, all the things you say you're doing. But she wasnt completely there emotionally. And some really messed up stuff happened to us as a result. She was not aware of what happened as it happened. And she still isn't aware today. We bottled it all up and life went on. Her situation was not as chaotic as yours, nor was there a self-destructive aspect to it. But it still took a toll.

Understandably, sitting here and reading you posting what you're posting is making me very angry. You have no idea what seeds you may be planting today in your life and the lives of your kids by pursuing the path you have chosen. It really pisses me off that you can make a better choice (specifically, getting professional help) and are seemingly choosing not to. My mother did not have any access to mental health resources all those years ago. She did the best she could under very difficult circumstances. I would like to believe she would have grabbed at the chance for therapy if it had been an option. What is your actual reason for not wanting to seek professional help?

Edited June 20, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted post

[LShalcy]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You should be out there dating single available men. It's none of his business because you're not exclusive.

It's impossible to be exclusive with someone who goes home to a spouse after they zip up and leave.

Yes, I know.
 

I am so broken right now, I asked him to send me a picture so he sends me a really nice one of him in the city by the water, all dressed up and smiling so warmly at the camera.
 

I know EXACTLY who took that picture! I need to not type right now before I start crying in the classroom

[lana-banana]

Pull it together. Get professional help.

I don't think you realize (or care?) that your life is riding on it.

Edited June 15, 2021 by lana-banana

[BaileyB]

The single best decision you can make for yourself in this moment is to reach out for help - call EAP. They won’t ask you to end this relationship. They will support you during this difficult time. Please call for assistance. 

[LShalcy]

On 6/15/2021 at 9:48 AM, RebeccaR said:

 

I didn’t come here looking for success stories, I came here because I had just discovered that the man I was seeing was married and I didn’t know what to do!

Yes, everyone in my family knew I was seeing him and his name, job, his pictures etc...wouldn’t I have had to have someone watch my kids when I went out with him? We didn’t just only meet at my house to have sex. They thought it was strange that we didn’t take a short trip together away from the kids (he would blame his job and having to watch his daughter) and once I started noticing more and more red flags I just didn’t talk about him as much because I didn’t want to be embarrassed in case my suspicions were true (which they were ). When I went out with the other guy last week, they just assumed I was going out with MM...so he was not a secret. 
 

we met on plenty of fish, which I had always thought was not the dating site to meet the best people, but there you go. So we did not meet on a site for married people as someone had previously suggested. 
 

I know it is my best interest and the best interest of my kids to cut him out of my life, I am just having a hard time doing it. And yes, I do use this as a place to vent because who am I going to talk about this with??! Every time I think I’m getting better, something happens that just makes me feel like I’m just going down again.

This is the first day I have cried at work in a while. I am just so sick of this and everything. I can’t take much more of this, I really can’t. 

Edited June 20, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted post

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I can’t take much more of this, I really can’t. 

What are you going to do about it then? 

Respectfully, it’s been a month and a half of this drama. NOBODY could cope well with this kind of emotional stress for that long. If you can’t take much more, you need to do SOMETHING! Lots of good advice on this and your other thread. You can’t just bury your head in the sand forever with the hope that things will be different when you come back up for air. 

Edited June 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[Allupinnit]

Honestly?  I'd blow it all up.  Eff that guy.  Tell his wife, she deserves to know.  Then you'll have your closure.

But I get it - you won't, because you don't want him to hate you.  

But I mean just take a look around.  People just like you who can't break away so here they are YEARS later as their life passes them by. 

[PhoenixRising8]

54 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

Yes, everyone in my family knew I was seeing him and his name, job, his pictures etc...wouldn’t I have had to have someone watch my kids when I went out with him? We didn’t just only meet at my house to have sex. They thought it was strange that we didn’t take a short trip together away from the kids (he would blame his job and having to watch his daughter) and once I started noticing more and more red flags I just didn’t talk about him as much because I didn’t want to be embarrassed in case my suspicions were true (which they were ). When I went out with the other guy last week, they just assumed I was going out with MM...so he was not a secret. 

So they know about him and his name.  With your current emotional state, what if someone googles him, finds him on FB, whatever?  Your "secret' is out.  Wouldn't you rather tell them, turns out he lied and I ended it rather than wait for someone to find out due to snooping because of you mental state.  Think xH, daughter etc.  You get sympathy for being duped, you won't get nearly the sympathy as the mistress who is wallowing over a married man who lies, cheats etc.  Just a thought.  Then again, until you stop being desperate for his presence, you won't do any of that.

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

I came here because I had just discovered that the man I was seeing was married and I didn’t know what to do!

I'm having a hard time buying this.

You met on a dating site and he had a child.  Most people have initial conversations around what they are looking for, how long they've been single, what caused the demise of their last relationship, etc.  How did you manage to skip all that, not just at the beginning but for two full years?  At the same time, your friends and family would surely have asked some of these questions about him to you. How did you respond?

 

[BaileyB]

31 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

Oh please! These things don't just HAPPEN to you. You are doing this to yourself. 

So true. But we know based on the decisions that she has made, she doesn’t believe that she has control here.  

The thing is LShalcy, these things are going to continue to happen. First, it was the call. Now, it’s the picture. Next, he won’t be available to see you because it is their wedding anniversary and they have something planned together. And then, she will be pregnant with their second child… There will always be something because you are trying to date a married man. If you can’t deal with this, you need to make a different decision.

Edited June 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[Bittersweetie]

I think I said this in your other thread...no one is going to swoop in to save you from this situation.The only person who can help you out of all this is YOU. And yes it really freaking sucks and yes it is really freaking hard. I understand how it feels to be addicted to the fixes a person gives you. I understand how it is to be in a situation where there is no good outcome, and when I (you) refuse to see that very important fact. For me, I look back at the things I told myself to make that relationship okay and it's mind boggling to me. And eventually the real world intervened (I got an STD, which you seem to be on the path to as well...please, you don't want to go there). My STD led to my d-day which led to me having to examine all the issues I've ever had and learn new coping skills and a new way of approaching life. It was hard and painful and took time but you know what? It ended up being a much better way of living than living lies and being addicted to texts and skating through life thinking that things happened to me instead of me making things happen.

It's all up to you, LShalcy. If this is not where you want to be, then make a change. Your future is in your own hands.

Edited June 15, 2021 by Bittersweetie

[HadMeOverABarrel]

3 hours ago, LShalcy said:

This is not necessarily true.
 

You are the only one here who believes this. 

For those who have posted here for a long time, we have come to know some patterns. It's one of the reasons I keep coming back--to remind me of what to look for irl.

We see it even though you refuse to. You are actually lying to yourself. You refuse to take on board the avalanche of excellent advice you've received here that would change your course drastically for the better. Instead you cling to self-destructive behaviors that inevitably bring your kids down with you. That alone makes you an incredibly selfish human being. It's one thing to destroy yourself, but it's another to let it affect innocent children. 

I wonder how well you are able to teach the children in your classroom? Are they also being affected by your half-hearted presence? We here know where the other half of you is most of the time: in your fantasy bubble where MM is holding you in his arms, whispering sweet nothing's to you, and so on. Your body might be in the classroom or at home with your kids, but your mind is not. 

My high school friend 'J' was a drinker. Several people tried to help her over the years. I gently suggested to her several times to get counselling or try some programs to quit. She would tell me that she quit and it had been x days since she took a drink. We are in our early 40's...well, at least I am. She died from her addiction in December. By the way, my sis works in the same hospital and peeked at her chart. my sis said her last drink was actually days before her final hospital admission.

My mom's best friend invited her grandson to live with her while he attended college. Being in his early 20's and the first time away from his parental supervision, he went out with friends partying and acting irresponsibly during Covid. My whole family have been very close to her for 4 decades. We warned her that her grandson was putting her at risk. She didn't heed the warnings because she loved him and wanted to spoil him. She died from Covid related complications a couple months ago. Very sad. 

So it is with people like you who refuse to listen to good reason and common sense.  You choose your own demise over listening to those who are throwing you lifelines, one after another after another. Those who fail to get help or accept it when they most need it end up either dead or wallowing in the worst life has to offer. Above are a couple of examples from my personal life.

You are beyond a point where you can handle this on your own and you certainly aren't accepting the free help being offered here. Besides, you need a ton more help than posting to strangers on the internet.

If you want to destroy your own life so be it, but you should not get to affect children with your poor choices along the way. You are not mentally/emotionally in a place to competently supervise children. Get help for the lives you are damaging--it is what you're doing regardless of how much you deny it. 

[PhoenixRising8]

8 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

You are not mentally/emotionally in a place to competently supervise children.

I suspect soon enough she will be on some disciplinary trajectory with the school.  You can't be late on your lesson plans, grading papers, doing report cards or crying in class because you are thinking about him and posting on LS.  When she is fired then her school charges will not have to suffer through her poor choices.  Her daughters - another matter altogether, sadly.  She hasn't hit bottom yet and it seems that is the only thing that has a chance of saving her - hitting rock bottom.  Too bad others will be swept up in the drama.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

13 minutes ago, PhoenixRising8 said:

I suspect soon enough she will be on some disciplinary trajectory with the school.  You can't be late on your lesson plans, grading papers, doing report cards or crying in class because you are thinking about him and posting on LS.  When she is fired then her school charges will not have to suffer through her poor choices.  Her daughters - another matter altogether, sadly.  She hasn't hit bottom yet and it seems that is the only thing that has a chance of saving her - hitting rock bottom.  Too bad others will be swept up in the drama.

Collateral damage for sure. Hopefully when her work life blows up it will trigger an intervention in her personal life so her kids will get some assistance too.

If I were a parent of one of her students, and I found out my child's learning was being compromised because of the teacher's teen fantasy, I would go bananas on the school administration. I would be relentless until I know those kids are getting what they need. 

Edited June 15, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel

[BaileyB]

28 minutes ago, S2B said:

There is no action on his part that shows he “wants her”.

He “wants her” in a sexual way - for sex. 
That was my intention. Otherwise, I agree with you.

[PhoenixRising8]

15 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

I found out my child's learning was being compromised because of the teacher's teen fantasy, I would go bananas on the school administration.

I can see parents screaming ' moral turpitude ' if an affair and videos come to light.  Doubt a teaching career comes back from that.

LShalcy, I wish you no harm.  Really I don't.  I know what it's like to have my head wrapped up in nothing but a dead end relationship.  And this is why I say, you have to consider the worst case scenario, because this is where you are headed.  If that still makes you desperate for him, well i guess he must have some game & form.  Are you really willing to risk everything for this lying, deceptive, cheating d-bag?  If you are, we can't help you.

[LShalcy]

3 hours ago, S2B said:

I would have thought if you had dated him for two years you would have met the 4 year old child.

yet you took his time and focus away from his family!

and you still do that after knowing he’s married. 
 

just stop. You are helping him harm his family!

I didn’t take anytime away from his family and I am not harming his family. He is. 
 

if he isn’t concerned about that, why should I be? I’m not. And what part of the story are you not getting?! I’ve written countless pathetic posts here, so much so I’m sure people are sick of seeing me on here.
 

I’m  just wondering if his wife suspects anything. How could she not suspect something? I’m sure he sweet talks her and they enjoy their little date nights as evidenced by that picture. 
 

And what wife never has access to her husbands phone - ever? I’m sure I am muted when she is with him, but she’s married to him and tolerates him keeping a lock on his phone at all times?! But she has him and i don’t so who I am to judge her? Some part of me wants her to know and ruin this farce of him being this perfect family man. I want her to see one of those tapes - how will she feel then?! Like I feel now. 
 

i saw a few posts re my job & not being able to be fully present there - you’re right, I haven’t been, I have been slacking and extra snippy with the kids but the 7th graders are taking finals and the 8th are about to graduate so there is little in the way of “real learning” going on at the moment. Luckily this happened at the end of the school year and not the beginning. 
 

I know this is not sustainable and I spent the entire car ride home yesterday and half the night crying. That picture broke me. And I didn’t respond to him all day and he texts me, he has been thinking about me & did I forget about him today? He could have been doing anything when he sent that text. I want to text him that no, I haven’t forgotten him yet but  I want to because every day we talk it hurts more and more. and I want to ask him, how long does he expect me to be celibate and wait around for him? Indefinitely? Just until I nag him enough? And what about the fact that we are supposed to see each other this week?!?

 

Edited June 16, 2021 by LShalcy
.

[pepperbird2]

OP,

I'm getting a sense of desperation in your posts- that is not good for you at all. Please take a minute, breathe and centre yourself.
 

Why does this man matter so much to you? Please don't say you love him because you don't. I'm not saying there's no love but the person you love isn't real. He's a fantasy, created partly by your own wishes, hopes and dreams and also the lies he's told you. You don;t even know who he really is. He only allows you tiny sliver views of his life.

Ask yourself this- if you had met him, and right off, he'd told you the truth about his life, would you have been interested, or would you have told him to hit the road? At this point, he's hurting you far more than he's benefiting you, and on some level, he knows that. He knows that, but he doesn't care enough about you to stop. His feelings, his needs, his issues are FAR too important ( at least to him) , and in his mind, if he has to hurt you to get those met, so be it.

In the end though, it's really not about him. It's about you. What makes you stay with this guy who treats you with such disrespect? Why are you with a man who would treat any women with such disrespect? Someone who would put his child(ren) and wife's mental and physical health at risk just so he can get his jollies?  Who does that sort of thing? Sounds to me like he's a grown man with the selfish mind of a toddler. He even went as far as to hide that he was married for two years so that you wouldn't be able to make an informed choice about whether or not to get involved with am married man. You'll never be able to trust him...not ever.

When I hear stories like yours ( and mine when I was a BS-we can be just as naive, following our hearts when our brain is screaming at us to stop) it reminds me of a poster that used to hang in my dad's office. He had a background in mycology, and it read " I must be a mushroom. I get kept in the dark and fed bullsh$t. ".

Stop being a mushroom.

Edited June 16, 2021 by pepperbird2

[HadMeOverABarrel]

You don't think a teacher needs to be present to help her students prepare for their finals? Sheesh! Aren't those finals a big part of their grades/marks for the entire year? Aren't they going to make a lasting impression on how the kids feel they performed and how they will be assessed by the school for their next grade/level/form? I earned up to my masters degree so I've had a lot of teachers--they were all charged with prepping us for big exams as far as I remember. Test scores are the measuring stick for the quality of learning...you're going to let that slide? These kids deserve so much better!! Your ownchildren do too!

Come on! Do you really think you can't just tell this d-bag, "I'm not going to meet you this weekend." and stick to it? Really? You really don't have the ability to say, no this isn't working for me? If you can't handle telling someone you can't meet up this weekend, how do you think you can handle influencing all these little lives? You can't! And snapping at them? Isn't that totally crappy of you? Teacher is signing herself up to be constantly dissed by a d-bag and she takes it out on her young students whom she's been charged with adding value to their lives??

No way! Not cool. I know teaching is not easy and many teachers are faced with doing well in tight budgets, but what you are doing is totality unacceptable. I tell you, if you were my kid's teacher, I'd have your head on a platter. I'm certain there are at least a couple of parents of your students who feel the same if they knew. If you keep this up, it will only be a matter of time before it all comes crashing down. 

What difference does it make if it's the beginning or ending of the school year? Do you think the summer break will magically resolve your MM problem? It will only get resolved when you cut him loose, and you've not taken a single step in that direction so far. What's going to change between now and the new school year? Nothing if you don't change!