After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

The inconsistency is the basis for the "intermittent reinforcement"  one of the most powerful manipulation tactics on the planet.
The craziness, the longing, the pining, the addiction are all part of the consequences of that manipulation.
 

 

I’ve said it before, but in studies related to attachment theory - children are placed into three groups, those who have a consistent and secure attachment with their parents, those who are neglected by their parents, and those who have an inconsistent attachment (ie. parents are sometimes loving and attentive, other times not). The children who have the most difficult time, the most challenging behavior, the most mental health issues, the most difficulty having a healthy relationship are the children who have an inconsistent attachment with their parents. It messes them up such that even those who were neglected by their parents have better outcomes. 

Edited June 13, 2021 by BaileyB

[PhoenixRising8]

Nothing will change until YOU change it. He isn’t going to. Why would he. You have 3 choices:

1. kick him to the curb as he is married. Deal with the pain. It will eventually subside. He has not even acknowledged anything has changed. If you’re waiting for him to choose you, you will wait a very long time. 
2. accept what you are - the other woman and enjoy the sex and whatever crumbs he throws your way. No point in obsessing over his marriage and deception. They are what they are and obsessing just makes it worse. Acceptance of your lot will minimize the drama and pain. 
3. continue on your trajectory wanting explanations, commitment and a future with a callous liar. This ultimately prolongs your agony and at this point you are choosing to do it to yourself. He has no need to feel guilty about your pain because it’s all out in the open yet here you are. I doubt he ever would feel guilty in any case. 

There are no other choices. You have chosen the most unhealthy option because you have chosen to let him “run the show”. You can say it isn’t your choice but remember, not making a decision is a decision in and of itself. Are you really going to wait until it all blows up with a Dday or your family finding out you are just a side chick?  You think they will respect you, especially you teen daughter? It was one thing that you were duped. Now you know, yet here you are. It won’t be worth it when you experience the fall out - it will be so much worse. If you think you’re falling apart now, just wait. This will feel like a walk in the park. 

[PhoenixRising8]

1 hour ago, PhoenixRising8 said:

Are you really going to wait until it all blows up with a Dday or your family finding out you are just a side chick?  You think they will respect you, especially you teen daughter? It was one thing that you were duped.

Worst case scenario?  Dday and he drops you like a hot potato. She seeks vengeance, your family, friends and school board finds out, intimate videos are disclosed and you lose everything that REALLY matters. Imagine that, for your own sake. It is not unlikely in the least. Maybe not all of those happenings, but some combination, all of which are devastating. 
 

The OW thinks it’s possible things will work out. Sure, anything is possible. The more salient question is, “is it probable”?  Odds in betting are based on probability, not possibility, because anything is possible, but not probable. He duped you for 2 years, lying to 2 women. He is going as though nothing is different when everything is. In the case of Dday, he will do some fancy foot work and likely walk away with minimal consequence while you are decimated. You’re an educated woman. Surely you know this. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, PhoenixRising8 said:

Surely you know this.

Knowing it and actually accepting it are two very different things. 

[LShalcy]

So he *finally* acknowledge the existence of a wife.
 

i almost slipped and told him about last weekend and said that I almost went out with someone else. he demanded to know if this was someone I was attracted to, what could possibly tempt me to cheat (?) on him and he doesn’t know what would happen if I were to see someone else. He tells me, “you shouldn’t be jealous because I don’t do half the things I do with you to my wife”. He has never said the word “wife” to me. He then repeats that he doesn’t want me to see anyone. else, and he’s trying to work on it but it’s so difficult.

 

I know why it’s difficult — because you’re married! 

[BaileyB]

38 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

“you shouldn’t be jealous because I don’t do half the things I do with you to my wife”.

He’s assuming that you consider sex as the measure of a good partnership. He’s much more sexually inhibited with you - you should be so pleased. It’s a gift - you lucky girl! You rise above the rest, because you allow him to do things that he would never do with his wife/she would never allow. 

He has it backward. You don’t get to do half the things he does with his wife - and that is the problem. 

You are thinking “relationship” and he is thinking “sex.”

How’s that double standard working for you? You are not permitted to “cheat” on him while he has been “cheating” on you with his wife (well, I guess that is reversed now) for the past two years. In other words, do as I say, not as I do. 

He is a prize alright. Future happiness is yours to have - just as soon as he figures out how to leave his wife. Of course, that is until he becomes bored with the sex and he goes searching on another dating site for another woman…

 

Edited June 14, 2021 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

This guy is so gross. 

On every level.

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, LShalcy said:

  I don’t do half the things I do with you to my wife”. 

He seems like a complete jerk. You can do much better than this.

 

 

[elaine567]

Do not mistake jealousy for love or caring.
They are completely separate.
Most men are jealous of other men,  whether they feel something for the woman or not.
Most fwb relationships involve men playing the field and being open to other relationships/hook ups but most men do NOT want the woman to be doing the same.
They don't want to be compared, to compete, to be getting sloppy seconds.
Do they love? No. Do they care? No. 
Are they jealous and territorial? YES...

This guy does not want you seeing other men as he wants to keep you at his beck and call for his consumption only.
You are HIS sex toy, he gets to pick you up and play with you when HE wants to. 
He knows sex means a lot to you, he is thus playing on the idea that sex = love.
He has "better" sex with you, hence you assume  he loves you more.
WRONG! it doesn't work like that.

[introverted1]

8 hours ago, LShalcy said:

“you shouldn’t be jealous because I don’t do half the things I do with you to my wife”. 

Of course not.  She is the mother of his child, the woman he loves (assuming he is even capable of that).  He "makes love" to her.  He may even respect her to some degree (albeit not enough not to cheat on her). With you, he is free to act out his sexual fantasies...  and film them.  He loves having a sex object on the side, but this is not who he plans to make a life with.  Look up Madonna/Whore Complex.  She is the Madonna: "my love".

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Do not mistake jealousy for love or caring.

So much this.

He wants his plaything all to himself.  From a practical perspective, he has invested quite a lot into you: first, he had 2 years of skulking about, hiding the existence of his wife. Now, it's out in the open and he is no doubt delighted to learn that your knowledge of his wife has made absolutely no difference:  you are still texting, having sex, making films, etc. 

Imagine how much work it would be to have to groom a new plaything if you were to meet someone new and leave him.  He believes, apparently correctly, that you do not have the self-respect or self-preservation to leave of your own volition, but he's less certain that you'd stick around if you were to meet a new man who might actually care about you.  Don't for a minute think this is love. 

[pepperbird2]

On 6/12/2021 at 3:37 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

I agree. 

You need to see reality here, OP. He does all of these things and so much more with his wife. What you saw of him is just a fraction of who he is. He has a whole daily life that you do not factor into. It's best not to deny that to yourself. 

OP,

This is so true. You are not seeing who he really is. You're seeing the tiny sliver of his world.

[pepperbird2]

On 6/12/2021 at 10:56 PM, LShalcy said:

Just a post to vent and because I’m so sad, I'm sorry. 
 

Tonight is bad. Not only did I wish MM was with me at my sisters dinner, and that she was with someone who was truly hers, he texted me that tomorrow is his birthday and he doesn’t want to do anything, because he can’t see me. Last year we were together on his birthday, and he told me today that I was the best birthday present he ever got. How can I move on from this? He seems to know exactly what to say to me. I’m so sad

You're mistaking words for feelings. Words are easy, especially texting. He can send you his sad words and depressing emojis and then turn around and tell his wife he loves her while giving her a huge hug and kiss.

[lana-banana]

He "finally" acknowledges the existence of a wife? Didn't he tell you this a month ago? Why would you expect him to bring her up?

At any rate, you are focused on the wrong point. He's not cheating because he's unhappy or in a bad marriage. He is not looking for a replacement, he's looking for an addition. He's just cheating so he can get extra uninhibited fetish sex. The question is, why are you content to be his sex object?

[vla1120]

10 hours ago, LShalcy said:

So he *finally* acknowledge the existence of a wife.
 

i almost slipped and told him about last weekend and said that I almost went out with someone else. he demanded to know if this was someone I was attracted to, what could possibly tempt me to cheat (?) on him and he doesn’t know what would happen if I were to see someone else. He tells me, “you shouldn’t be jealous because I don’t do half the things I do with you to my wife”. He has never said the word “wife” to me. He then repeats that he doesn’t want me to see anyone. else, and he’s trying to work on it but it’s so difficult.

 

I know why it’s difficult — because you’re married! 

It really must be difficult. It was probably SO much easier when you thought he was single (though you suspected.....)

Are you able to step outside this situation and look at it from the outside at all? If you did, you would see just how little he thinks of you - telling you not to be jealous because he doesn't do half the things to his wife that he does with you. In the same breath, he tells you he doesn't want you to see anyone else....as if he loves you SO much, he can't bear to think of you with another man....puullleeezzzeee. Tell me you're not falling for that nonsense.

[Starswillshine]

2 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

It really must be difficult. It was probably SO much easier when you thought he was single (though you suspected.....)

Are you able to step outside this situation and look at it from the outside at all? If you did, you would see just how little he thinks of you - telling you not to be jealous because he doesn't do half the things to his wife that he does with you. In the same breath, he tells you he doesn't want you to see anyone else....as if he loves you SO much, he can't bear to think of you with another man....puullleeezzzeee. Tell me you're not falling for that nonsense.

And this bit gives you a lot more insight into what he thinks your relationship is....  sex, sex, more sex. His proof of caring about you is that he gets more "freaky" with you than his wife? That's all he can come up with? He's a sleaze. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

OP, you are getting some cream of the crop advice here. 

His using the word "wife" with you is all just part of normalizing further your place in his life: other, sidepiece, afterthought, position #2, sex toy.

It's true that his seeming protectiveness over you is just about his being territorial, as in "I don't want any other man putting his D in my repository."  Sorry that is crude but it's accurate. 

It would be nice to see you caring about yourself as much as these strangers on the internet care about you. 

Now you know the truth about his situation. So long as you continue to engage in it, you are CHOOSING this for yourself. You are not just his victim any longer. You are now choosing to victimize yourself. And you can choose to stop it. 

What will you do to stop this, if anything?

Edited to clarify: when I say cream of the crop advice, I'm referring to many other posts above. Many posters have made several excellent points. 

Edited June 14, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel

[Allupinnit]

@LShalcy - why wasn't he invited to your sister's engagement party?  Just a matter of weeks ago he was your legit boyfriend, right?  

Why can't you answer when we ask you what this r'ship was outside of sex and videos at night?

[stillafool]

12 hours ago, LShalcy said:

He has never said the word “wife” to me. He then repeats that he doesn’t want me to see anyone. else, and he’s trying to work on it but it’s so difficult.

Yes, that and he doesn't want you to catch an STD that he may bring home to his wife.  This is typical of MM doing everything they can to not get caught.

[pepperbird2]

op,

Obviously I don't know you, but there is something behind your words that sounds wounded to me. What is it in you that accepts being treated like this?

We all carry our baggage, often without realizing it. Was there something in your life, even way back to when you were a kid, that made you feel "less than" or bad about yourself?  Instead of worrying about what makes him tick, focus on yourself. Figure yourself out first, and you won't need to worry about why he does what he does.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

25 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

Instead of worrying about what makes him tick, focus on yourself. Figure yourself out first, and you won't need to worry about why he does what he does

Good advice. In this case, I think figuring out the why he does what he does is so that OP can figure out how to 'fix it' so she can get what she wants (or so she thinks). In reality, OP, you need to figure yourself out to get what you want. That involves you confronting all that you are avoiding. You will not get what you want until you confront what you're running from. Addictive behaviors like drinking and affairs are the bandaids for pain. The wound will not heal until you attend directly to the wound. You can't do that by covering it up and running from it. 

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

He tells me, “you shouldn’t be jealous because I don’t do half the things I do with you to my wife”.

This is so disrepectful.  I'm sorry OP but he is talking to you as if you're some sex worker.

[Birdies]

Ugh, this guy is such a creep.  Take back your power and block him.  Trust me, it only gets harder and more painful as time goes on.  You are the only one who can put a stop to this self-inflicted suffering.

[Crazelnut]

Gotta repeat what Birdies said, for emphasis: SELF-INFLICTED suffering. This is all on you now. You are playing this game with your eyes wide open. 

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, LShalcy said:

And he might even not want to see me again if he finds out that I had sex with someone else. 

I thought this was the reason.  At least you're honest.  Never be afraid to lose what you never had.

[LShalcy]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I thought this was the reason.  At least you're honest.  Never be afraid to lose what you never had.

I may make stupid decisions but I’m really not an idiot. He is definitely not the type of guy who would tolerate me sleeping with other people - even though he is.