After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[basil67]

Yep, MM will be doing something with his wife tomorrow night.  Along with doing the appointments, groceries and snuggling on the sofa watching their favourite TV show.  It's good that you're starting to get real about what real his life entails. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

And the fact that my youngest sister is having an engagement dinner tomorrow night and all I can think is: if only MM could come with me...

It’s difficult to have a relationship with a married man. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

I’ve just settled into this constant state of anxiety, depression and confusion. I wake up knowing that I’ll be feeling like this and I go to bed knowing I’ll be feeling like this the following day.

Such is the life of the other woman. It ends whenever you are ready for it to end. 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

Yep, MM will be doing something with his wife tomorrow night.  Along with doing the appointments, groceries and snuggling on the sofa watching their favourite TV show.  It's good that you're starting to get real about what real his life entails. 

I agree. 

You need to see reality here, OP. He does all of these things and so much more with his wife. What you saw of him is just a fraction of who he is. He has a whole daily life that you do not factor into. It's best not to deny that to yourself. 

[elaine567]

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Edited June 12, 2021 by elaine567
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[elaine567]

How do you see the future here?
Are you actually content to be the other woman, if you can get past this jealous/territorial emotional phase?
Would you actually want him to leave his wife or would you be quite happy with the apparent part time arrangement you had, even when you thought you were dating him?
Busy single mothers who are happy with once a week, once every two weeks meetings or even less...  are always going to be prey to guys who are either married/attached or are managing a bevy of different women.
Texting can give an intimacy to a relationship, which is false and misleading.
Whilst he was texting you, he could have been doing literally anything else...
It is not the same as spending one on one time with a person IRL.

[Wiseman2]

Get to a physician/therapist about your anxiety and depression.

No relationship, especially one that was skewed, will fix what is broken in your life.

Reflect if this inertia is what led to overlooking red flags because he always made it easy.

[RebeccaR]

What if the engagement dinner had been a month ago? Would you have asked MM along as your date? Did your sisters know you had a boyfriend for 2 years? (It’s completely normal to tell your sisters about your boyfriend).

Assuming your relationship was always on the dl,  I think there’s some kind of avoidant behavior going on here. You were ok dating a married guy as long as you could both pretend he was single, but now it’s out in the open, you can’t handle the imbalance.

You could definitely benefit from therapy to understand why you are choosing a relationship (or relationships) without a future. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, RebeccaR said:

What if the engagement dinner had been a month ago? Would you have asked MM along as your date? Did your sisters know you had a boyfriend for 2 years? (It’s completely normal to tell your sisters about your boyfriend).

Going to an engagement dinner with you is something one would expect a boyfriend to do. You can bring your boyfriend, but not your affair partner. You are trying to have a “relationship” with a man who is already in a relationship with another woman. No doubt, they have other plans that evening. Whether they have a “date night” planned, or they plan to spend time at home together as a family, or whether she is working and he has caring for their child - he is not available because he has other obligations and other things he wants/needs to do. As such, it’s going to leave you lonely, sad, and heartbroken. This is just the first of many such occasions. It won’t get better, it will only get worse. 

Edited June 12, 2021 by BaileyB

[HadMeOverABarrel]

@LShalcy Just wondering if you read this new thread, especially its original post:

 

[LShalcy]

Just a post to vent and because I’m so sad, I'm sorry. 
 

Tonight is bad. Not only did I wish MM was with me at my sisters dinner, and that she was with someone who was truly hers, he texted me that tomorrow is his birthday and he doesn’t want to do anything, because he can’t see me. Last year we were together on his birthday, and he told me today that I was the best birthday present he ever got. How can I move on from this? He seems to know exactly what to say to me. I’m so sad

Edited June 13, 2021 by LShalcy

[basil67]

But of course, the truth is that he will have a lovely birthday with his wife and family.  Just as it should be.  

Just how many times will you accept his figurative punches to the belly?

Edited June 13, 2021 by basil67

[basil67]

14 hours ago, RebeccaR said:

What if the engagement dinner had been a month ago? Would you have asked MM along as your date? Did your sisters know you had a boyfriend for 2 years? (It’s completely normal to tell your sisters about your boyfriend).

I would also like to know the answer to this.  If you were seeing him as a BF for two years, why was he not invited the the dinner with you?  

[torn_heart]

11 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

Just a post to vent and because I’m so sad, I'm sorry. 
 

Tonight is bad. Not only did I wish MM was with me at my sisters dinner, and that she was with someone who was truly hers, he texted me that tomorrow is his birthday and he doesn’t want to do anything, because he can’t see me. Last year we were together on his birthday, and he told me today that I was the best birthday present he ever got. How can I move on from this? He seems to know exactly what to say to me. I’m so sad

Gotta say, I'm in a scenario like your MM. It's very difficult to leave, believe me. My suggestion is that go full NC. In the end will help both. The deal I have with my OW is that I won't contact her unless I'm single and I'm not sure if I will. For you it will help you to move on, get stronger. Do whatever you need, keep posting here, tell the secret to a close friend who cares about you, go to therapy, meditate, work out. 

I wish you the best. Try to think outside this vicious circle, think of the person you want to be and start going there. 

[LShalcy]

7 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

Gotta say, I'm in a scenario like your MM. It's very difficult to leave, believe me. My suggestion is that go full NC. In the end will help both. The deal I have with my OW is that I won't contact her unless I'm single and I'm not sure if I will. For you it will help you to move on, get stronger. Do whatever you need, keep posting here, tell the secret to a close friend who cares about you, go to therapy, meditate, work out. 

I wish you the best. Try to think outside this vicious circle, think of the person you want to be and start going there. 

But why can’t you be with your OW if you want to be? That’s both so selfish and so unfair, and not only to the OW, but to your wife. 

Edited June 13, 2021 by LShalcy

[torn_heart]

25 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

But why can’t you be with your OW if you want to be? That’s both so selfish and so unfair, and not only to the OW, but to your wife. 

Because, as so many people here have said, it's not only about love, it's also the aftermath you have to deal with afterwards.

 

There are other things that make it difficult for me to end things with my gf, but mainly is:

1. I love her (yes I know people don't believe it even though right now I want to be with my OW)

2. She is going through a rough patch in her life like she lost her job recently and has almost no friends (yes, maybe it's also an excuse for me)

3. The change in all my social dynamic without her, as many here have said, what you have with your AP is like a capsule outside of normal time and space, you don't really know how it's gonna be a real relationship with that AP, and for whoever is in a relationship it's a bet they need to make. With my OW we fantasized some of these dynamics but still, you don't know.

And to make things even more difficult, my OW made me promise to never tell my gf about the affair, this because if we get into a relationship she doesn't want to be seen as the "home wrecker" even though some actions she took recently (before the deal) made me think she no longer cares about that.

My OW is not waiting for me and you shouldn't wait for your MM. 

Edited June 13, 2021 by torn_heart

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, LShalcy said:

How can I move on from this?

How can you not move on from this? 

It’s so hurtful and so unfair for him to do this to you. Why do you allow him to do this? 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, LShalcy said:

He seems to know exactly what to say to me.

Indeed. He plays you like a fiddle…

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, LShalcy said:

How can I move on from this?

By realizing he does not love you and does not respect you. He plays you like a fiddle.

By realizing the future you dream of is not going to happen. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Indeed. He plays you like a fiddle…

Great minds think alike!

[RebeccaR]

8 hours ago, LShalcy said:

Last year we were together on his birthday, and he told me today that I was the best birthday present he ever got.

Sounds like teenage stuff again. 

[lana-banana]

8 hours ago, LShalcy said:

he texted me that tomorrow is his birthday and he doesn’t want to do anything, because he can’t see me. Last year we were together on his birthday, and he told me today that I was the best birthday present he ever got. How can I move on from this? He seems to know exactly what to say to me. I’m so sad

Oh, please. He has a nice birthday lined up with his wife and kid, even if it's just a card and maybe his favorite meal. Or he's having some beers and barbecue with his friends. What do you get? A single text message before he goes about his day. And you're satisfied with that?

Would you be satisfied with a friend who regularly treated you like dirt but then sent you texts about how much she cares? Probably not, right? So why do you think so little of yourself that you'll accept his *words* about how great you are when his *actions* indicate he doesn't care much at all?

[elaine567]

Best birthday present ever this year, he doesn't need to lie, nor pander to you to keep you sweet..
He can spend his birthday doing whatever he wants and you have been relegated to the other woman spot.
"See you later darling, you do understand don't you?"

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, lana-banana said:

Would you be satisfied with a friend who regularly treated you like dirt but then sent you texts about how much she cares? Probably not, right? So why do you think so little of yourself that you'll accept his *words* about how great you are when his *actions* indicate he doesn't care much at all?

One of the posters here frequently talks about how MM have it so much easier than single men. Past the initial honeymoon phase when everyone is having fun, the relationship is established and he begins to balance life with two women (this is what your guy is now doing). His goal is then to maintain the relationship and he does this in part by offering the occasional words of love, lamenting about how much he misses his AP - words easily said and cherished by many women who in turn, take it from there to support the idea of this fantasy relationship and build a fantasy life that often requires very little from MM to maintain. In that way, he plays you like a fiddle. 

What’s more,  MM have it easier than single men because they treat their affairs partner badly - offering very little of his time, missing all the major holidays and events in life, communicating only when convenient for him, never taking his partner out on a real date, not able to meet his affair partners friends or family, etc… and the women - they stick around. Amazingly they stick around because she is  “addicted” and she can’t help it because she “loves him so much.” She convinces herself that the little he offers is gold! When really, if she was single she would be on this site complaining about the inconsistency/lack of communication, or he won’t put any effort into a relationship and take me on a proper date,  he just wants to stay home and have sex all the time, and he won’t commit to me - he keeps putting me off hen we talk about moving forward together in life. Single women wouldn’t put up with this kind of behavior for very long but in an affair, she feels like she’s really got something! Something worth fighting for… Something worth holding onto…

Edited June 13, 2021 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

The inconsistency is the basis for the "intermittent reinforcement"  one of the most powerful manipulation tactics on the planet.
The craziness, the longing, the pining, the addiction are all part of the consequences of that manipulation.