After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Taramere said:

Continually posting about this disaster of a relationship isn't going to help your depression.  It's going to worsen it.

I couldn't agree more.  

[Allupinnit]

@LShalcy - so nobody knew about this man, EVER, in your real life?  Why is that?  I think you knew he was married, just never asked, just like you are now (even now you wish you were in the dark), avoiding any conversation that would interrupt, what, I'm not exactly sure...?  The sex you get during certain hours of the week when he can sneak away?

You are leading a double life, just like he is.  That's what lies do, though, they isolate us.  And it eats away at you.  There's a reason they say "The truth will set you free" - but people don't want to deal with any sort of fallout regarding their choices so they rot inside.

You have a two year old, a baby!  He's been around just as long as your little girl has been alive, were you both looking for an affair?  Did he know you had a newborn?

[LShalcy]

18 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

@LShalcy - so nobody knew about this man, EVER, in your real life?  Why is that?  I think you knew he was married, just never asked, just like you are now (even now you wish you were in the dark), avoiding any conversation that would interrupt, what, I'm not exactly sure...?  The sex you get during certain hours of the week when he can sneak away?

You are leading a double life, just like he is.  That's what lies do, though, they isolate us.  And it eats away at you.  There's a reason they say "The truth will set you free" - but people don't want to deal with any sort of fallout regarding their choices so they rot inside.

You have a two year old, a baby!  He's been around just as long as your little girl has been alive, were you both looking for an affair?  Did he know you had a newborn?

No, I meant that no one in my real life knew about the guy on Friday, and where I went. I assumed they thought I was with MM.

 

and yes,  when I met MM, he knew my daughter was around 8 months or so. And maybe this helped make it easier for him to lie, because I didn’t have all the time in the world to see him. So I wasn’t as available and I guess that was convenient for him. Once we started seeing each other more, I started noticing all the red flags - and admittedly ignored them until I couldn’t anymore.   

Edited June 8, 2021 by LShalcy

[PhoenixRising8]

So that clarifies what you meant about who no one in your life knows about but doesn’t answer whether or not they know about MM. I have also been curious about whether he has met your kids. 

[Alfano]

On 6/6/2021 at 8:09 PM, LShalcy said:

 he doesn’t want to hurt me - he would never want to hurt his wife.

He might not want to hurt you but he doesn't mind that he's tearing you apart while fulfilling his own needs at your expense.

This guy is going to put you into a mental institution and won't give it a second thought.

He'll be out looking for a new woman to cheat on his wife with the day you're committed.

Who knows maybe he's already got a few others on the hook.

 

Edited June 8, 2021 by Alfano

[Negotaurus]

15 hours ago, LShalcy said:

No, I am definitely not enjoying this.

Who are you trying to convince - us or yourself? 

It's a thrill for you, a game. It's all about you and what you want. Of course you are enjoying this.

[elaine567]

19 hours ago, LShalcy said:

Ok, yes I knew what would happen when I went there. And it was reckless.

 

Of course it was reckless.
You are the mother of two small children, why would you put your life in potential danger by hooking up with a random in his house.
You had no idea what he was capable of.
Yes women do this every day and not all men are rapists and murderers but some are and as a mother you should be a bit more responsible.
How would your kids feel?
Mum was raped and killed because she went out looking for sex from a stranger...

In your distressed, upset, angry and tipsy state, you were in no position to do a proper risk assessment of the situation.

[BaileyB]

25 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I broke down and texted him last night that I couldn’t do it anymore and he texted me back, why, what’s wrong?

How exactly did that feel? 

25 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I can’t believe a word he says. 

No, you can not. 

[LShalcy]

5 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

How exactly did that feel? 

Horrible. He knows exactly what’s wrong. Why does he play dumb and want me to spell it out for him? I was okay yesterday, I’m a mess today and the day has just started. My emotions are all over the place. I’m just posting here so I do not text him. 

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

Why does he play dumb and want me to spell it out for him?

I believe you know the answer to this question. 

It must feel awful when he dismisses your feelings. But this is all he can do right now. He can’t and won’t offer you anything more. 

Why do you give him this kind of control? How can you begin to take that back?

Edited June 8, 2021 by BaileyB

[RebeccaR]

22 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

He knows exactly what’s wrong.

But from his end, nothing is wrong, other than you complaining. Because despite your claims on your first thread, he never took this seriously other than for sex. And he probably didn’t think you did either. 

I can understand your disappointment, but I would never chase someone, ANYONE, if it turned out my feelings weren’t requited. I don’t know how you can show yourself such little respect. 

Edited June 8, 2021 by RebeccaR

[Allupinnit]

22 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

Horrible. He knows exactly what’s wrong. Why does he play dumb and want me to spell it out for him? I was okay yesterday, I’m a mess today and the day has just started. My emotions are all over the place. I’m just posting here so I do not text him. 

Why don't you just block him and be done with all of it?  You could actually start moving on.  It's going to hurt at first (but what's worse than this?) because what he's doing now is gaslighting you.  Do you like being lied to, strung along, used and gaslighted?

[RebeccaR]

1 minute ago, Allupinnit said:

Why don't you just block him and be done with all of it?  

She is avoiding texting him not to end their communication, but to make him miss her - middle school stuff.

[Allupinnit]

5 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

She is avoiding texting him not to end their communication, but to make him miss her - middle school stuff.

Yeah I'm wondering if along with Loveshack she's got another tab open googling advice on how to get him back.

OP when you don't text him guess what?  It doesn't have nearly the same impact because he simply doesn't care like you do.  He could just then text his wife without a second thought.  He's not sitting around waiting like you are.  He's going about his life and trying to keep you on the hook for the secret video sex you provide him.

You DO realize this is all it is right?  The video fetish. 

How long after your baby was born did you separate from your H?  WERE you actually separated?  I suspect you and the MM might have been looking for the same thing, maybe on a site like Ashley Madison.  I don't know many single moms with a baby just a few months old who have the time nor inclination to swipe Tinder but hey what do I know.

Edited June 8, 2021 by Allupinnit

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

He knows exactly what’s wrong. Why does he play dumb and want me to spell it out for him? I was okay yesterday,

Because you continued to see him and have sex with him and text with him "like normal" after your discovery, he assumed you were fine being the OW. 

You have to stop making it seem like you can handle this. You can't (rightfully so) The fleeting moments of his attention are not enough to sustain a pretend relationship. 

[vla1120]

2 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I broke down and texted him last night that I couldn’t do it anymore and he texted me back, why, what’s wrong? & says he’s posted at a different spot at work and doesn’t have good cell service there.  I can’t believe a word he says. 

The words above in bold - him saying "Why? What's wrong?" - as if it is perfectly normal for a man to LIE to a girlfriend for two years, then for her to find out that he is married - that is astounding to me, absolutely incredulous (and so blatantly disrespectful to you!) How cold-hearted does someone have to be to stomp all over your emotions and then act oblivious, like you have no right to your feelings.

The sentence "I can't believe a word he says." is the most sound thing you have said. Keep repeating that to yourself. You can't believe a word he says! You can't believe a SINGLE word he says!!

You need to get ANGRY so that it overshadows any feelings of love you ever had for this "man."

Edited June 8, 2021 by vla1120

[BaileyB]

46 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Because you continued to see him and have sex with him and text with him "like normal" after your discovery, he assumed you were fine being the OW. 

This is true, but what else can he do? He can’t change the fact that he’s married - he’s not even offering to try and change that fact. 

He could express remorse for the fact that she is having difficulty dealing with them pain he has caused her - but, he doesn’t. And that is telling. He throws out a few words about how he didn’t want to hurt anyone - but his actions tell a different story. 

At the end of the day, nothing has changed for him. He is just waiting for you to decide if you are really willing to continue along as they have been. Sure, you have thrown out a few words that let him know you are upset and you are “done” (after the call from his wife that interluded on your date night), but your actions also tell a different story. There has been no consequence for the fact that he has lied and betrayed you. You have indicated to him that you are still invested by continuing to text, send pictures, and have sex with the man. Sure, you are upset but he is just waiting this out, hoping that whatever upset you are feeling will blow over sooner than later… He is hoping to keep his wife AND his girlfriend. He wants to get back to the sex. And in the meantime, he has your videos that he can watch to tide him over…

Edited June 8, 2021 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

Like so many in one sided relationships, you assume that he thinks like you, that he is as upset as you are. That he is in love like you are, that he will be as determined to make it all right again, just like you are.
BUT this guy is made of different stuff.
Different even from many of the MMs we talk about on here.
Not content with stepping out on his new wife and young child, he fabricates a different world, where he is single and he is "dating" you.
The fact he managed to pull this off for 2 years, indicates a very mixed up, cold, calculating and worrying individual. 
Now he has been found out, he denies any wrongdoing at all, by refusing to discuss the matter.

"All is great, what you upset about now?
Don't worry your silly little head about it
Wanna f*ck?"

[spiderowl]

I feel for you, OP.  You have been hit by shock and disbelief when you found out this guy lied to you.  You are going through a stage of dealing with those feelings and trying to make sense of it all.  Other posters are right in saying that there is no point trying to make sense of it; he's just the kind of guy who is thinking of himself and not others.  I can appreciate though that you desperately want to understand. 

The only way you will get any peace from this is when you get to the stage where you realise you will not be able to understand, that some things cannot be understood - at least not in the way you would want to.  You are thinking this guy is kind because he says he does not want to hurt anyone, and yet he is hurting at least two (his wife and you) and possibly his children.  He is not a nice guy: he is a fantasist who was living a fantasy extra-marital life with you and taking pictures of it for him to relive when he was bored.  He is living in a dream world and dragging others into it.  He has hurt you, no doubt about it. 

Anger is the next stage after shock and disbelief.  It sounds like you are heading that way.  The emotional part of your mind is hurting and acting out.  Your rational mind does not know what to do.  For the moment, just avoid drinking and please seek help from your doctor.  You are going through a trauma and it will take some processing.

I think perhaps you are feeling powerless because all this pain has been inflicted on you because of his lies and you are now faced with having to process it and come to terms with it.  It was not a shock to him because he already knew the truth.  He hasn't been hit by a bombshell.  No wonder you are feeling 'out of control', you are still reeling. It is not a good place for you to be so it is best to acknowledge that you need support in your real life (not just on here).

The MM is doing the 'I don't know what the problem is' thing.  It is an escape mechanism for him, absolves him of all responsibility if he doesn't know there is a problem (and we all know he does know).  However, he is living in a fantasy world, so who knows how he deals with all this?  He probably makes up all sorts of stories in his head about what is happening.  What is important is that you don't buy into his stupid fantasy world and that you shut this guy out of your life as he has nothing to offer you any more other than more hurt.

It is ok to feel hurt.  It is also ok to acknowledge you need help to cope with it.  You are riding a wave of pain at the moment.  It will diminish and fade, so trust that it will.  Trust that you will recover from this.  You have done nothing wrong except love a guy.  He has done wrong, betraying your trust.  Be proud that you could love him until you knew what he was really about.  You can leave him behind and go forward with pride, knowing you are a better person than he was.

For your own sake, cut contact with him and cry your tears until this wave of pain fades away.  I know it is hard to look after children and be there for them when you are hurting but I know you will try.  Some things do not make sense; we just have to accept that they don't and never will.  It is natural for the mind to want to understand but once you have exhausted all rational explanations you will be able to give up on that endeavour and preserve your energy for someone more deserving.

 

 

Edited June 9, 2021 by spiderowl

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 6/4/2021 at 5:54 PM, lana-banana said:

PhoenixRising8 paraphrased some of the best advice I've ever heard on this site: "this all ends when you say it does."

When I was recovering from getting out of my situationship with xMM, I asked my therapist, "When will I finally be over him?" She replied, "When you decide."

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 6/5/2021 at 3:31 PM, LShalcy said:

And I also feel guilty about what happened (even though  I shouldn’t l) because I like him but it’s no comparison  between him and MM so I guess I used him to feel less lonely and get back at MM

Don't feel guilty. He used you too.

On 6/6/2021 at 5:04 PM, LShalcy said:

divorce is so common these days - why don’t MM ever get divorced if they’re cheating on their wives?! 

Because they don't want divorce. They do allow OW to believe their wives are horrible even though they usually never say so or actually believe so. They do enjoy the triagulation at times to get their ego boosts. They may enjoy the thrill of bamboozling more than one woman at a time so they can enjoy feeling superior. 

But divorce? No, that's not what they are interested in. You've got to stop seeing this guy as a victim of his wife (more probably she is the greater victim between the two of them). He's not sitting around saying, "Gee if I could just figure out how to divorce so I can finally be with LShalcy and we can get on with our perfect life together." No, those are YOUR thoughts that you're projecting onto him. His thoughts are more like, "I'm bored. I wonder what LShalcy is doing. Maybe I can get her to have some fun flirty sexual chat with me. Yeah that will be fun!"

Aside, it's nice to see some flashes of anger. Hopefully you will channel that into breaking your bond with this deceitful user. You do need professional assistance to get through this. 

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, BaileyB said:

This is true, but what else can he do? He can’t change the fact that he’s married - he’s not even offering to try and change that fact. 

He could express remorse for the fact that she is having difficulty dealing with them pain he has caused her - but, he doesn’t. And that is telling. He throws out a few words about how he didn’t want to hurt anyone - but his actions tell a different story. 

Yeah, exactly. That is my point. 

He isn't going to change his marital status. OP conceded and went along with it anyway there for a few weeks, so she gave him the impression that she is okay with this arrangement. If she's not (and she's clearly not) the only option is to end it. 

[BaileyB]

9 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

When I was recovering from getting out of my situationship with xMM, I asked my therapist, "When will I finally be over him?" She replied, "When you decide."

This is true with most everything that happens to us in our lives and we become “stuck.” At a certain point, one has to accept and let go… and, whenever one decides to do that, this is when the pain ends. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

7 hours ago, BaileyB said:

This is true with most everything that happens to us in our lives and we become “stuck.” At a certain point, one has to accept and let go… and, whenever one decides to do that, this is when the pain ends. 

Yes, and when we can't 'see the forest through the trees,' remembering things like this script borrowed from the 12 steps programs may be beneficial (not sure if exact quote):

Lord, help me accept the things I cannot change, have courage to change the things I can, and giveme wisdom to know the difference.

[Prudence V]

On 6/8/2021 at 2:07 PM, LShalcy said:

I’m just posting here so I do not text him. 

OP, I’m guessing by your silence that you gave in and texted him, and that things have just slipped back into how they were before. 
 

Or rather, I’m hoping that that explains your silence, and not that the BW found the videos on his phone, and blew things up for you. 
 

I hope that whatever you’re going through isn’t eating your soul alive. You lived through a brutal betrayal, and that’s a heavy load to carry alone.