After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[Prudence V]

13 hours ago, LShalcy said:

he’s acting like everything is normal - and it’s not.
 

oh, but it is. Everything about your behaviour is reassuring him of that. As you yourself said, 

14 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I was just happy to be with him again. 

Pick one. You can’t have it both ways. Either everything has changed, as you say, or nothing has - as you do. 

[Prudence V]

13 hours ago, LShalcy said:

Her father and I had a very volatile relationship before it ended 

This MM is not your first poor relationship decision. This isn’t about him, or about him deceiving you. This is about you choosing poorly - repeatedly. We don’t know you, or know about you, beyond what you’ve posted on your two threads. But so far, we know of:

1) kids’ father

2) MM

3) unprotected sex with random (Friday guy). 
 

This is a pattern. You are damaging not only yourself and your future, but also your daughters. You dismiss counselling, but honestly, without professional help I just don’t see you recovering from this. 

[Allupinnit]

I think you may need to take a man-hiatus for at least one year.  These "relationships" are destroying you.

[Taramere]

On 6/5/2021 at 10:03 PM, LShalcy said:

I know it’s not good for my kids to see me so upset and just laying in bed. I took my youngest out this morning and we played a little in the backyard, but that’s all I could do. I don’t have the energy for anything else. 

It sounds like less a case of not having energy at all, more a case of expending your energy elsewhere. 

Would it be possible for your sister to take the children on a full time basis?  It sounds as though she's better equipped and more committed to caring for them than you are. Also, if she were to take them, then it would free you up to spend 100% of your time thinking about what your married man is doing with his family...without the inconvenience of your own children interrupting your tormented laments with their needs.

[lana-banana]

So then what are you going to do differently going forward? It is hard to watch you complain about how much you hurt when you keep making (knowing, intentional) choices that hurt you. Until you commit to positive changes this will just keep happening.

Edited June 7, 2021 by lana-banana

[BaileyB]

59 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

last night I texted him and didn’t hear back until this morning. So what was he doing all night?! .

Probably enjoying a beautiful summer evening with his family and then having sex with his wife. 

How is it that you feel entitled to interrupt their evening? 

59 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I would so much rather have never found out about MM because this event has really upended things for me. 

I do believe that you would have preferred to remain ignorant, much easier to deny reality than deal with it. 

55 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

It is hard to watch you complain about how much you hurt when you keep making (knowing, intentional) choices that hurt you.

Very much so.

In much the same way that a toddler throws a tantrum when they can’t get their way or a teen complains about how unfair “life” is when they can’t get what they want, it’s definitely not attractive to see a grown woman do the same. 

Edited June 7, 2021 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

57 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

No one in my real life knows anything about this, this is the only outlet I have.

Maybe people in your real life need to know about this affair and what you're doing.  It may give you more accountability if not to you but to your kids.  Do you want your 13 year old daughter to think this is how a grown woman is supposed to handle herself over some man?  An a MM at that.

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

and then last night I texted him and didn’t hear back until this morning. So what was he doing all night?!

Sleeping? Just a guess...

 

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

I haven’t even answered and I’m going to force myself to not respond to him today. 

Baby steps. But yeah if you're going to end this, gotta start somewhere.

[BaileyB]

20 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Baby steps. But yeah if you're going to end this, gotta start somewhere.

Except, she’s not really ending it. She is playing games. She is withdrawing and going silent in an attempt to get his attention. She is trying to “punish” him. In much the same way that she had sex with the other man last weekend - it’s all a ploy to get his attention, a desperate attempt to try and regain some control, or at the very least make him step up to show that he cares...

It feels terrible when you have no power, no control, in a relationship - doesn’t it OP? Not many options left for you... 

Edited June 7, 2021 by BaileyB

[PhoenixRising8]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

It feels terrible when you have no power, no control, in a relationship - doesn’t it OP? Not many options left for you... 

Imagine how the kids must feel ...

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, PhoenixRising8 said:

Imagine how the kids must feel ...

Well, consider the fact that this post said:

Quote

Would it be possible for your sister to take the children on a full time basis?  It sounds as though she's better equipped and more committed to caring for them than you are. 

And the response was: 

Quote

I would so much rather have never found out about MM because this event has really upended things for me. 

All I could think this weekend was that he is obviously sleeping with his wife and just blatantly lying to me when he said wasn’t seeing anyone else. I couldn’t contain my anger. 

And then last night I texted him and didn’t hear back until this morning. So what was he doing all night?! .

[mark clemson]

17 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Except, she’s not really ending it. She is playing games.

Perhaps. I think sometimes "playing games" is or at least can be a precursor to ending things.

OP is an adult and will make her own choices. If she chooses not to end things but to engage by "playing games" instead - well, that is her choice. Certainly doesn't seem like the healthiest way to maintain a relationship and is perhaps a ultimately essentially a waste of time, but c'est la vie. There is plenty of this in the world, really, affair or no.

[vla1120]

OP, what do you see happening, here? You KNOW he's not going to leave his wife. You KNOW he doesn't want anything to change between you. He wants his bit on the side, like he's had for two solid years. He's fine JUST the way things are. He'll keep baiting the hook to keep you where he wants you. He'll tell you what you want to hear (except the words "I love you and I'm leaving my wife for you." - You'll never hear those words @LShalcy.)

You, on the other hand are on the precipice - your career is in danger, your sobriety is in danger, your health is in danger (both mental and physical), and your decisions are putting the welfare of your children in danger!

You need to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and sort this out once and for all. I don't believe in playing a part in D-Day, but for crying out loud, if that's what it will take for you to SNAP out of this, maybe you SHOULD tell his wife about his true nature. I mean, your life is blowing up and he doesn't care. Maybe he'd leave you ALONE at the prospect of HIS life blowing up.

[PhoenixRising8]

Except she still loves and wants him and believes he doesn't want to hurt her.  It's all about her, her pain, her suffering ... her kids?  Well I haven't seen much concern there from her ... We are wasting our time I fear.  What I actually fear is the well being and long term effects on her children, what she is teaching them.  they have no choice in any of this.   If I knew where she lived or who she is, I would contact child protective services.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

and then last night I texted him and didn’t hear back until this morning. So what was he doing all night?! . 

Spending time with his wife. 

Remember, you are now choosing this for yourself. Get angry is silly when you opted to go down this road after finding out he was married. He doesn't owe you any communication or explanation for what he does with his time at this point. 

[stillafool]

28 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Except, she’s not really ending it. She is playing games. She is withdrawing and going silent in an attempt to get his attention. She is trying to “punish” him. In much the same way that she had sex with the other man last weekend - it’s all a ploy to get his attention, a desperate attempt to try and regain some control, or at the very least make him step up to show that he cares...

It feels terrible when you have no power, no control, in a relationship - doesn’t it OP? Not many options left for you... 

I agree that her withdrawal and silence is to get MM's attention but I think the sex with the other guy this weekend was for validation.   She still wants MM to think she's all his and enjoys being submissive to him.  OP he uses you like a rag doll and you seem to love it.

[BaileyB]

18 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I agree that her withdrawal and silence is to get MM's attention but I think the sex with the other guy this weekend was for validation.   She still wants MM to think she's all his and enjoys being submissive to him.  OP he uses you like a rag doll and you seem to love it.

Agree. A little male attention is very validating for some women when they have been rejected by their relationship partner. 

Still, making MM jealous is also very validating. Consider this comment...
 

Quote

he doesn’t know about my date. He has always said he will be so jealous if I was with anyone else. One time I told him a clerk at a store was flirting with me (he was waiting outside), the next time we went to the store he drove up right next to the door because he said he wanted to make sure he didn’t flirt with me again.

She enjoys it when he is jealous. If he is jealous, that means he cares - he loves me. That is a different kind of validation. 

She is obviously not telling the man because she doesn’t want to lose the relationship. 

Edited June 7, 2021 by BaileyB

[Allupinnit]

@LShalcy - are you snapping at your kids, walking around with all of that white hot rage pent up inside of you?

You're acting like a jealous girlfriend.  You're not the girlfriend, you're the mistress!  If you don't like being the mistress then you need to block this mfer once and for all.  Your'e going to wake up a month from now and have nothing left of your life.  Pretty awful how he made you believe you were the gf all that time, huh?  You thought all of that sex and fun actually meant something to him, the way it did for you.  Well now you know better.  How are you going to feel when she gets pregnant again, and the new baby is in all of those sweet pics he sends?  With the same phone he saves those raunchy videos of you on.  The baby he teased YOU with. 

Man, sometimes I'm just astonished at how people author their own demise, even when they see it happening in real time.  You can switch course, @LShalcy.  This doesn't have to be your life.  You CAN be someone you're proud of, whom your daughters are proud of.  An authentic life.  No more lies and hiding and jealousy, and isolation with this pain you can't share.  He isn't worth it, he's NOT!  YOU matter.  YOU have worth beyond what a man thinks of you and your sex.  

Edited June 7, 2021 by Allupinnit

[pepperbird2]

18 hours ago, LShalcy said:

He never will. He is completely conflict-avoidant. I’ve only known him two years and he doesn’t want to hurt me - he would never want to hurt his wife. And I know this. I don’t know what I think is going to change. 

OP I'm calling bull on this, It's just that...pure bull.

Before you dismiss those words, consider this. He would never want to hurt his wife, so he cheats on her? He even risks her mental health/physical by making his own sex video with you?
If she asked him, I expect he'd tell her he loves, her, there's no one else but her he would do anything for her, blah, blah, blah blah.

THAT is how he "loves". he lies, he chats, he steals her time and attention. He has made a commitment to her- what on god's green earth makes you think he will treat you any better?

You have so much love to give- you also sound very loyal and like you ave a huge heart. You deserve so much more than his "love". I can tell you that, everyone on this board can tell you that until the cows come home, but until YOU believe it, you'll be stuck right where you are.

Aren't you worth more than a few scraps from him? I think you are.

Edited June 7, 2021 by pepperbird2

[LShalcy]

I think some of you are very confused. My children are not, and have never been, neglected in any way or there is no way I would have them: their father's family is very protective of them as is my own family, and would not hesitate to take them if they saw any signs of abuse (neglect being a form of abuse, of course). Their father sees them regularly as well - and even drives my 13 year old to and from school sometimes (his apartment is very close). So he is an attentive father even though we are not together. My point being that no one, on either side of their family, would allow my children to be neglected or abused. I give my children everything they want, we go on vacations every year and they might even be too spoiled. So I definitely needed to clarify that. 

 

 For the past month or so I have been very depressed and as such, I haven't been as present as I should have been - however, that is not something that is or has ever been common. Yes, on Saturday I was depressed and my sister took the kids out for me, but I was out all day yesterday with my youngest, playing outside and my other daughter and I went to pick up food at her favorite restaurant at night. I wanted to take her to do her nails but she wanted to go back home to play her video games. So, I am in no way a neglectful mother who doesn't care about my children. I do think I need to model better habits when it comes to dating and men and I’ve admitted that. I have been angry and upset lately but I don’t take it out on my kids, I take it out on myself, not taking care of myself as I should and making bad choices.
 

this event with MM has really thrown me for a loop and I started to see myself slipping into bad habits but I am aware of this and working on it. 

I just needed to clarify the kids issue because I was reading those posts just baffled.

[BaileyB]

Quote

I started to see myself slipping into bad habits but I am aware of this and working on it. 

What can you do this week to get yourself and your children to a better place? 

Edited June 7, 2021 by BaileyB

[Pumpernickel]

Thanks for clarifying that.

[Crazelnut]

OP, what are you doing to make things different or better?

[Taramere]

25 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I just needed to clarify the kids issue because I was reading those posts just baffled.

I'm really glad you have switched your focus (in that post at least, to the children).  You might be baffled by the posts placing so much emphasis on the children - but likewise other people have probably been baffled by the lack of emphasis in your posts on the children.  What you focus on in these posts, on this thread, will inevitably impact on what you're focusing on in real life...and I suspect most people on here who have been posting about your kids have been doing so in an effort to switch your focus on this thread away from the situation with the MM and onto the children.   

In this latest post of yours, where you manage to get it together enough to talk about the children's situation, you sound like an adult.  In the other posts where your focus is on the MM you sound like a distraught teenager.  Continually posting about this disaster of a relationship isn't going to help your depression.  It's going to worsen it.  

Can you think of one good thing you could do for yourself this week?  An activity you enjoy like reading a book or spending an hour or so listening to uplifting music by a band you like?  And maybe one positive choice you could make that is doable for you?  Depression doesn't go away on its own.  You need to approach getting rid of it like a project...and that means making a point of doing things you normally enjoy, even if you don't get the level of enjoyment you used to out of them.  It also means catching yourself thinking about things that make you feel worse and distracting yourself away from thinking about them. 

If you're getting something out of posting on LS, then maybe it means starting a whole new thread relating to wellbeing and feeling better.  You have it in you to beat this, and start presenting a far better role model for your children...but you won't get there by persisting in this awful thread.   If you leave this thread, and the hot mess you've been on it, behind and start afresh with a more positive thread relating to pursuing better mental wellbeing, I bet plenty of people who've posted on here will be rooting for you (and, more to the point, for your kids).

 

[LShalcy]

2 hours ago, Taramere said:

In this latest post of yours, where you manage to get it together enough to talk about the children's situation, you sound like an adult.  In the other posts where your focus is on the MM you sound like a distraught teenager.  Continually posting about this disaster of a relationship isn't going to help your depression.  It's going to worsen it.  

My focus on this board hasn’t been my children because this not a parenting board; my focus here was as the name of the board suggests - my relationship with this man who is married. I’m only posting about that slice of my life - not every aspect of it. When it comes to this MM,  I still feel anxious and distracted and I can’t help that. Our communication this past week has been minimal - partly from me but also partly from him too. I’m posting about that troubled slice of my life because when I reread other people’s stories who have had the same things happen, in some weird way I feel better that I’m not alone. And I posted about what happened this weekend because it’s what happened and I think I needed to hear how stupid and reckless it was. My children don’t know where I went on Friday - no one in my “real life” knows. They just know I went out - and probably  thought I was seeing MM as usual. 
 

I understand how it would seem that I’m just focused only on this MM and yes, he is taking up way too much headspace, but I’m still a mother and even as I’m typing this my two year old is in my lap. I didn’t think I would have had  to mention that before, because that’s not the thread was about. 
 

I’m just so sad still,  but I’m not going to stop being a mother. This MM has messed with my head so much. I needed that validation from someone else on Friday. But of course I won’t tell MM because I’m just terrified of ending that communication. 

Edited June 7, 2021 by LShalcy