After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[LShalcy]

4 hours ago, Prudence V said:

Two years and counting. Even the drive to your date last night was “spent” (or wasted) on him. Probably the entire date he was lurking in the back of your mind, and even during the sex you weren’t fully present. 
 

And that is a choice, not an inevitability.

Yes, all true. But I have to admit that being with someone new did help and I do feel a little better today. 

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

Yes, he always films them (for the most part). Probably not the best idea but I can’t say no to him.

Again, the is not cute. 

You have control over whether you chose to make a pornographic video with your affair partner or not. Own that. 

 To simply throw your hands in the air and say “I can’t say no to him” is pathetic. I’m sorry, there is just no other way to say it. 

[LShalcy]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Again, the is not cute. 

You have control over whether you chose to make a pornographic video with your affair partner or not. Own that. 

 To simply throw your hands in the air and say “I can’t say no to him” is pathetic. I’m sorry, there is just no other way to say it. 

I’ve never really had a problem with him filming us. 

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I’ve never really had a problem with him filming us. 

That’s the problem. 

[Allupinnit]

2 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I’ve never really had a problem with him filming us. 

I'll bet his wife doesn't like it so he gets to live out that fantasy with you instead.  There's no way he's walking away from this.

You act as if you have zero agency in your life and you are at the mercy of this man's salacious whims.  

You're now having casual sex with two men.  One of whom is married.  

[LShalcy]

53 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

I'll bet his wife doesn't like it so he gets to live out that fantasy with you instead.  There's no way he's walking away from this.

You act as if you have zero agency in your life and you are at the mercy of this man's salacious whims.  

You're now having casual sex with two men.  One of whom is married.  

I didn’t mind him filming us because I thought I had a future with this man. I trusted that he wouldn’t do anything with the videos - and I still think he won’t do anything with them. 
 

I know that I am acting pathetic when it comes to him - I’ve already admitted that. I have never acted like this about any man before and I’m not proud of it. I still can’t understand how he would promise me all these things - and then turn out to be married! Until I understand that, I don’t think I will ever be okay. And now we are talking like nothing has ever happened, how do I walk away? A part of me wishes I never knew the truth.

I also know I probably shouldn’t have had sex with the other guy. I was just so angry at MM, at him (of course) sleeping with his wife and lying about it. I don’t know why I continue to make bad choices and that was definitely one (especially when we didn’t use protection ).  
 

divorce is so common these days - why don’t MM ever get divorced if they’re cheating on their wives?! 

[Bittersweetie]

I remember the time after my d-day, I was a complete mess. My life was in shambles all because of my own choices. The one person who I was supposed to protect was angry and hurt and betrayed because of my actions. My life was an utter disaster (I didn't have children at that time).

I laid around in bed for a week at my parents house. It was Christmastime and I barely got up to open gifts or eat a nice dinner. I spent a lot of time laying around and crying. It was a dark, dark time.

But after a week or so I realized I needed to start getting my stuff together. I started making lists. The first thing on my list was to return home. I was terrified but I knew I didn't want to start the new year apart from my husband. So on New Years Eve I packed my car and drove back home, a six hour plus drive. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I didn't know what to expect; my H could've immediately kicked me out, he had every right to. I guess at that point I would've gotten back in the car and drove another six hours. As it is he barely acknowledged my presence that night.

My point is that there are times when it's really, really hard to move forward. I've been severely depressed too and having that on top of everything else is even more tough. But you need to think not only of yourself, but of your children. You need to get your stuff together, sooner rather than later. That means less focus on MM; more focus on you. You are the one that matters here. Make lists. Make plans even though you may not be in the mood to do anything. Take one small step forward every day. You can do it. You are a grown woman who is strong! Dig deep for that strength and utilize it, use it to your advantage. You can choose not to be pathetic...you can choose to be a warrior. Fight through this dark time and emerge on the other side stronger and better. It won't be easy but it is worth the effort.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

I still can’t understand how he would promise me all these things - and then turn out to be married! Until I understand that, I don’t think I will ever be okay.

$#@^ happens. Deal with it.

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

I didn’t mind him filming us because I thought I had a future with this man. I trusted that he wouldn’t do anything with the videos - and I still think he won’t do anything with them. 
 

How does this account for the fact that you sent more pictures and I would assumed made another video after you knew he was married and you did not have a future with this man? 

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

I don’t know why I continue to make bad choices and that was definitely one (especially when we didn’t use protection ).  

Respectfully, we don’t know either because this in not the behavior of a grown woman. This is the behavior of a rebellious teenager. We have been having this discussion for over a month now and you are well aware of the risks and the consequences. If you chose to place yourself at risk by making self destructive decisions, that is an informed decision you are making. If you are going to chose to stay with this married man and film videos of the two of you having unprotected sex - own it! It’s not cute to say “Gosh darn it, we forgot to use protection again!  Why do I keep making all these bad decisions... ” I will tell you honestly, my pre-adolescent niece would make a more responsible decision than this! 

Edited June 6, 2021 by BaileyB

[Prudence V]

On 6/6/2021 at 2:04 PM, LShalcy said:

I trusted that he wouldn’t do anything with the videos - and I still think he won’t do anything with them. 

Perhaps - as he stands to lose, too.

But his wife might. She stands to lose nothing - and may see herself having a lot to gain from it. 
 

And the only way you can be sure she never sees them is if he destroys them. Every copy. In your presence. 
 

Do you really want the fear of what she might do with them, who ought get to see them, hanging over your head for the rest of your life? Would you be happy for your kids to see them, your principle, your school board, the parents of the kids in your class..? Your sister? 

 

On 6/6/2021 at 2:04 PM, LShalcy said:

I still can’t understand how he would promise me all these things - and then turn out to be married!

Because he’s a user. He doesn’t see other people as people, just as objects for his own gratification. 
 

 

 

On 6/6/2021 at 2:04 PM, LShalcy said:

Until I understand that, I don’t think I will ever be okay.

You’ve had that explained to you many times, on this thread and your last one. You’re choosing not to accept it. That’s not about understanding, that’s about refusing to accept responsibility for having to take the action that you know you’d need to take if you let up on your ceaseless denial. 

 

On 6/6/2021 at 2:04 PM, LShalcy said:

I don’t know why I continue to make bad choices

Because you want to. Because doing the sensible thing means growing up and taking responsibility, and you’re enjoying this adolescent fantasy with this MM and won’t want to leave that and face the consequences. Which are headed your way, whether you want to face them or not. 

 

On 6/6/2021 at 2:04 PM, LShalcy said:

why don’t MM ever get divorced if they’re cheating on their wives?!

Some do. I know a good few who have, and know of more. 
 

This guy? Notsomuch. His BW may dump him and divorce him, but he won’t be the one to do so. 

[PhoenixRising8]

You are trusting a proven liar to do the right thing and not share the videos? You wants answers from that same liar?  Do you expect him to tell you the truth?  You are holding on to the fantasy of riding off into the sunset with a liar and a cheat, with no moral compass. Why would you even want to?  Sounds like a nightmare to me. But if by some chance your desire came true, I’d be willing to bet in no time, you’ll be back on here crying he’s cheating on you. 
 

You were duped. Now you know the truth but you still want him?  You are literally letting him destroy you. You know what you are getting now and yet you still want it, so what exactly can any of us do to help?  You’ve had tons of good advice you’ve chosen to ignore every shred of.  For your own sake, but more importantly for your daughters, please put your big girl pants on, return the broken toy to its owner and stop insisting it’s the only one you want. That is your only way out. 

[BaileyB]

To be very fair, it is possible to become over invested in a relationship, to loose perspective, and to be hurt and despondent when the relationship ends... and still not make irresponsible and self destructive decisions. The two are not mutually exclusive. There are many women on this site that are lost and bereft but they still have the good sense not to have unprotected sex and record themselves with their ex-lover/married man. 

Edited June 6, 2021 by BaileyB

[LShalcy]

1 hour ago, Prudence V said:

Some do. I know a good few who have, and know of more. 
 

This guy? Notsomuch. His BW may dump him and divorce him, but he won’t be the one to do so. 

He never will. He is completely conflict-avoidant. I’ve only known him two years and he doesn’t want to hurt me - he would never want to hurt his wife. And I know this. I don’t know what I think is going to change. 

Edited June 7, 2021 by LShalcy

[LShalcy]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

How does this account for the fact that you sent more pictures and I would assumed made another video after you knew he was married and you did not have a future with this man? 

I don’t know. I was just happy to be with him again.

[PhoenixRising8]

5 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I don’t know. I was just happy to be with him again.

Was the momentary happiness worth it?

[PhoenixRising8]

How many more times will you jump into the fire to see if it will burn?  How fair are you being to your kids?  They should be your concern. 

[LShalcy]

32 minutes ago, PhoenixRising8 said:

How many more times will you jump into the fire to see if it will burn?  How fair are you being to your kids?  They should be your concern. 

Just texting him today is breaking my heart because he’s acting like everything is normal - and it’s not. It’s just meaningless because what do we have? We can’t go on a vacation together, we can’t spend multiple nights in a row together. I’m just living for his texts & when I get to see him. I need to do better, especially for my 13 year old because she shouldn’t think this is what relationships should look like. Her father and I had a very volatile relationship before it ended (and yes,  both of my kids have the same father - we separated and then reconciled before separating for good). She needs to see her mother in a stable relationship. The first thing I need to do is get plan b tomorrow to ensure I don’t get pregnant by this guy I barely know from Friday. And then figure out how to cut this MM out of my life - even though the idea is killing me. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, when I just wish so badly that I could be with him. 

Edited June 7, 2021 by LShalcy

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I need to do better, especially for my 13 year old because she shouldn’t think this is what relationships should look like.

No, she should not. 

13 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

She needs to see her mother in a stable relationship.

Yes, she does. But first, she needs to see her mother happy and healthy - as a single woman. Let’s not teach her that she needs a man in her life to be happy and to feel validated. Let’s teach her to find that for herself, through your example. 

[LynneVicious]

Op,

I have to say after reading both your threads that your mental health is what’s glaringly obvious. Your reckless behavior is honestly concerning. I think it would be in your best interest to immediately see a doctor. Ask for some mental illness screenings - bipolar, depression, ptsd. Because it sounds like you have a mix of all three at this point. 
 

This behavior isn’t sustainable. You need help putting things in perspective. I hope you see a doctor pronto as well as find someone you can confide in: a friend, family member perhaps? Anonymous Internet forum advice can only go so far. Get help from professionals. Like yesterday. 
 

After you get help and stabilized, you’ll be able to see things clearer and can make better decisions - both for yourself and your children. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, LShalcy said:

The first thing I need to do is get plan b tomorrow to ensure I don’t get pregnant by this guy I barely know from Friday.

And also get tested for STIs and HIV. 

I have to say, the way you talk about all of this reminds me of a rebellious teenager showing off how cool they think they are by being so "dangerous." 

Edited June 7, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[elaine567]

12 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I didn’t mind him filming us because I thought I had a future with this man.

When did taking pornographic videos, equate to a man who you would choose to share your future with?
He thinks very little of you, that is why he films you, that is why he lied to you.
 He thinks - If you stick around, that is fine,  if you don't stick around then that is fine too.
That is why he is not bending over backwards to say sorry to you.
You don't matter to him.
He doesn't see you as relationship material, you are just a disposable, gullible woman he uses for sex and "titillation".

Your little jaunt to have sex with some random, will merely underline what he already thinks of you.

 

Edited June 7, 2021 by elaine567

[Starswillshine]

13 hours ago, LShalcy said:

divorce is so common these days - why don’t MM ever get divorced if they’re cheating on their wives?! 

Because why would they? They have a woman at home giving him the perfect illusion of a normal, respectable man to society. Someone who loves him, cares for him, likely does his dirty laundry, etc.... and then he gets to have a side piece or pieces to to live out his hedonistic ways. And this is highly apparent in his desire to film and talk dirty with you often. 

8 hours ago, LShalcy said:

Just texting him today is breaking my heart because he’s acting like everything is normal

He is acting like this because he sees you nothing but a pleasure toy. He doesn't want to talk about the deep stuff. He simply doesn't care about your hurt. It is all about him and his pleasure. Get angry that he is using you, and don't allow him to keep him getting ego boosts and thrills at your expense. 

 

8 hours ago, BaileyB said:

, she does. But first, she needs to see her mother happy and healthy - as a single woman

And to add to what BaileyB said, she needs to see you be a strong, independent woman. She needs to see that sometimes you can be not ok, but you can't live there. Show her that she can get through hard times. You CAN be strong!!!! You ARE strong... find that strength and self respect! 

[LShalcy]

26 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Your little jaunt to have sex with some random, will merely underline what he already thinks of you.

I’m not planning to tell him about that.

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

its so unfair for one person to do that to someone else. 

Indeed, it was unfair of him to do that to you. 

It’s even more unfair to your children that their mother has chosen a man over her children. 

What are you going to do this week to find a better path for yourself - besides getting yourself some emergency contraception? 

Edited June 7, 2021 by BaileyB

[Prudence V]

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

its so unfair for one person to do that to someone else. 

If you really thought that, you wouldn’t be carrying on with this guy as if that revelation hadn’t happened. 
 

You can’t have it both ways. Either this dude is evil incarnate, doing terrible things to a poor unsuspecting mother of small children…. Or he’s someone you enjoy spending time with, are happy to trust with intimate pictures and videos of sexual encounters, and still envision a future with. 
 

If the former, you’d have dropped him instantly, taken out some kind of order to recover any and all intimate pictures and videos, and made sure he was unable to contact you ever again… (and notified the dating site he picked you up on that he’s married, so they can prevent him deceiving other women), *at the very least*. 
 

If the latter, you can’t continue to blame him in any way for your behaviour. Yes, he did deceive you - but by continuing to see him, to have unprotected sex with him, to send him pictures and to consent to being filmed by him, etc, you have become an accomplice. You are no longer a victim. You now share his guilt and share the responsibility for everything that happens not only to you, but to the other victims of this situation (his BW and other unknowing GFs, his kid, your kids, etc). 
 

Pick one, and own it. You can’t pretend both are true, because they aren’t and can’t be. 

[Prudence V]

14 hours ago, LShalcy said:

he doesn’t want to hurt me

So he says. People who don’t want to hurt other people don’t actively lie to them and deceive them, and don’t use them in the way he carelessly uses everyone around him.