After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[Allupinnit]

Speaking from experience, if you go to this guy's house and sleep with him you're going to feel 100X worse tomorrow and want to hear from your MM even more.  

Don't call it a date, it's a booty call.  You're not a robot, you're a human being and right now you are bonded to this man and trying to swap out the D is just a child's bandaid on a surgical wound.  

Here's how it will play out:

You'll go over there tonight wishing the ENTIRE TIME it was your MM you were going to see.  You might get drunk, sleep with this guy, the whole time stealing glances at your phone hoping to see *his* name.  Maybe you won't, and you'll spiral even more.  

Tomorrow morning maybe he'll be at the grocery store with his wife and you won't hear from him then, either.  You'll feel maybe hungover and regretful, hating yourself even more than you did already for sleeping with a man you don't even like, and you'll text the MM again looking for that little breadcrumb that will get you through the next hour or so.  And you'll want to see HIM again to sort of undo what you did the night before.  

And on it goes.  That's your weekend. 

Edited June 4, 2021 by Allupinnit

[LShalcy]

1 minute ago, Allupinnit said:

Don't call it a date, it's a booty call.  You're not a robot, you're a human being and right now you are bonded to this man and trying to swap out the D is just a child's bandaid on a s

He asked what I wanted to do and I was the one who suggested just stay in and watch a movie. He did suggest going out but I didn’t feel up for it. 

 

1 minute ago, Allupinnit said:

You'll go over there tonight wishing the ENTIRE TIME it was your MM you were going to see.  You might get drunk, sleep with this guy, the whole time stealing glances at your phone hoping to see *his* name.  Maybe you won't, and you'll spiral even more.  

^^^* this is why I was going to cancel. 

[elaine567]

Do you actually know this guy?

[BaileyB]

18 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Speaking from experience, if you go to this guy's house and sleep with him you're going to feel 100X worse tomorrow and want to hear from your MM even more.  

I agree. 

You are already a hot mess, having difficulty focusing and dealing with your responsibilities. Let’s make this more complicated... 

Kindly, it’s been one week since you “ended it” with your MM. SEVEN DAYS!  You haven’t even begun to heal - in large part because you are still in contact with the man. You have yet to make a single decision that will legitimately help you to recover from this situation. You have yet to make an appointment with a physician, a counsellor, or contact AA. You are instead choosing to mask the pain - you have previously chosen to self medicate with alcohol, and now you have now turned to another man/sex. You are simply at this point trading one addiction for another in attempt to find some kind of comfort. 

As you have said, you have absolutely no business dating anyone right now. A fling may be fine for some when trying to get over a breakup, but I would presume they are generally in a healthier and more stable place emotionally. You say you feel like you are on the verge of an emotional breakdown. Sure - you could have sex with this guy but the fact that he is not the man that you WANT to be having sex with is going to leave you feeling worse. And then, how will you cope? 

Edited June 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[LShalcy]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

As you have said, you have absolutely no business dating anyone right now. A fling may be fine for some when trying to get over a breakup, but I would presume they are generally in a healthier and more stable place emotionally. You say you feel like you are on the verge of an emotional breakdown. Sure - you could have sex with this guy but the fact that he is not the man that you WANT to be having sex with is going to leave you feeling worse. And then, how will you cope? 

Yes, I agree with everything you said. I feel mentally unstable at this point. I can’t focus on anything, I can’t give energy to anything. I feel pathetic for feeling this way but I can’t help it I have never felt this before. I have been posting like crazy but this is the only release that I have!! 
 

And I am feeling so much white hot rage and anger that in part I want to do this because how dare he do this to me for two damn years?  How dare he take away my agency in this, convincing me he was seeing no in one else but me, convincing me that he didn’t want to see anyone else but me?! What gives him the right?!

I still want him and I wish behind anything I could have him. But if he doesn’t want to hurt me, of course he’s too scared to ever hurt his wife, who he is married to and has a child with! Because he’s too much of a coward to ever do it. I’ve never even heard him yell in all the time I’ve known him. I don’t know the state of his marriage, and it’s not my marriage to understand, but if you have been sleeping with someone else for almost the same amount of time you’ve been married, then you’re not happy!! If it makes him feel like s*** making me upset, then how would he ever divorce his wife?!? I just wish I could ask him all these questions but I’m not and I’m just going to pathetically wait for our next time together. He wants to blame his job for our not spending more time, he works the night shifts, officers are short staffed, a cap on the number who can be out, but it’s not only his job it’s his damn wife! So there will never be enough time together.
 

I just need to forget this. I have planned things for my kids for tomorrow (weather permitting) and I won’t be neglecting them because I haven’t been fully present for them admittedly, but I need something for myself to prevent me from contacting him, and maybe hurt him in the process. 

Edited June 4, 2021 by LShalcy

[lana-banana]

11 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I don’t know the state of his marriage, and it’s not my marriage to understand, but if you have been sleeping with someone else for almost the same amount of time you’ve been married, then you’re not happy!!

Gently: you have to stop going down this road. This has nothing to do with his wife, or being unhappy, or being in a "bad" marriage. This guy is just a remorseless and probably lifelong cheater, full stop. If not you, it's someone else. And to be honest he doesn't seem unhappy at all---seems like he's exactly where he wants to be: loving family life with sexy no-strings-attached action on the side.

@PhoenixRising8 paraphrased some of the best advice I've ever heard on this site: "this all ends when you say it does." He is not keeping this going. You are. Even if you aren't ready to never speak to him again right now, you have to believe that YOU have the power to end it, not him. You do not need to wait for his every text or drive yourself mad wondering what he's doing with his wife. You do not need him in any capacity. This all ends when you say it does.

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, PhoenixRising8 said:

I remember what my neighbour said to me many years ago when my grandmother was dying.  I was doing everything possible to keep her alive, even when I knew there was no hope.  I needed her to live.  She asked me if I was really prolonging my grandmother's life or her dying process.  That really put things in perspective.  Her body was shutting down and I really was just prolonging her death.  Your relationship as you knew it is dying and you are holding on to any shred of it that you can.  It will never regenerate to what it was and what you are doing is prolonging your own suffering.  There is no short cut to ending the pain when you are actively continuing the relationship.  The short cut is to end it now.

I also think this is very good advice. I had the same conversation with myself when my mother was dying... When we made the decision to send her to palliative care, I had a moment of doubt when I thought that it was my decision that was sending her to her death. What helped deal with this moment was when I came to the realization that going home to resume life as we knew it was not an option anymore. She was dying, and all I could do was pick the best from some really bad options. It was then that I decided that the best option was for her to go to palliative care where she could pass in comfort and surrounded by the people she loved. 

It’s similar to the decision you have to make. Going back to the life you once had - when you thought he was yours and you planned a future with the man - in not an option anymore. Your only option is to chose the best from some bad options - one of which being that you can continue as you have been but accepting the role of OW and another being that you end all contact and walk away. As PhoenixRising said above, the end of this relationship is inevitable (in much the same way that her grandmother’s death and my mother’s passing was inevitable) - the question at this point is how long are you going to prolong the suffering? Of course, making the decision to end the relationship is painful and difficult but it is surely better than the suffering that you will endure if you stay and die a death of a thousand cuts... 

Edited June 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I need something for myself to prevent me from contacting him, and maybe hurt him in the process

For him to hurt the way you want him to, he'd need to care a lot more than he does. 

[Allupinnit]

Did you end up seeing the other guy?

[LShalcy]

2 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

Did you end up seeing the other guy?

Yes 

[LShalcy]

On 6/4/2021 at 2:38 PM, Allupinnit said:

You'll go over there tonight wishing the ENTIRE TIME it was your MM you were going to see.  You might get drunk, sleep with this guy, the whole time stealing glances at your phone hoping to see *his* name.  Maybe you won't, and you'll spiral even more.  

Tomorrow morning maybe he'll be at the grocery store with his wife and you won't hear from him then, either.  You'll feel maybe hungover and regretful, hating yourself even more than you did already for sleeping with a man you don't even like, and you'll text the MM again looking for that little breadcrumb that will get you through the next hour or so.  And you'll want to see HIM again to sort of undo what you did the night before.  

And on it goes.  That's your weekend. 

So you were right. I do regret it.
 

Up to the last minute I wanted to cancel but I didn’t because I felt bad. On the way there, MM actually texted me (I did not text him first as I vowed I wouldn’t do)telling me he was tired at work etc etc and then started flirting as usual, sending memes and TikTok’s (I know). The last one he sent was meant to send to someone you want to have sex with so I asked him, “ really?” and he responded “yes”, and said that he had watched the video of our last time together and it was amazing along with a bunch of heart eye emojis. Then he said if I sent him a picture he would send me the videos.At this point I had arrived at “other guys” apartment so I couldn’t respond and it turned out I had terrible service there so I couldn’t even send any texts if I wanted to.

Yes, I ended up drinking a little (not enough to be hungover though) and I regretfully did sleep with “other guy”. He was really nice and very sweet and this morning before I left he asked if I wanted to hang out again today or tonight. But on the way home, of course I texted MM and he responded as usual but there has been no response since (around 930) and it’s already past 3 and a beautiful day outside so all I can think is that he’s out with his wife and daughter . And I also feel guilty about what happened (even though  I shouldn’t l) because I like him but it’s no comparison  between him and MM so I guess I used him to feel less lonely and get back at MM

 

[LShalcy]

I just keep making terrible choices and I am so thankful for this board because I see I’m not alone, and people are helpful even if sometimes a little tough And I’m crying because of MM. I just hate this life. 

[BaileyB]

44 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

it’s already past 3 and a beautiful day outside so all I can think is that he’s out with his wife and daughter

I hope you take your children outside and have some fun with them. 

[LShalcy]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

I hope you take your children outside and have some fun with them. 

My sister took them for me.

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

My sister took them for me.

Aunties are the best! But seriously, don’t waste your weekend perseverating on this MM. 

Yes, he is no doubt enjoying the day with his family. Just as you should be enjoying the day with yours...

It’s a beautiful day here too. I would do literally anything to be at my brothers swimming in the pool with my little nieces and nephew. But, we have a lockdown here and I am not allowed to visit their home right now. Go and have fun with your sister and your kids this weekend - they need you and you need them! 

Edited June 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[LShalcy]

26 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Aunties are the best! But seriously, don’t waste your weekend perseverating on this MM. 

Yes, he is no doubt enjoying the day with his family. Just as you should be enjoying the day with yours...

It’s a beautiful day here too. I would do literally anything to be at my brothers swimming in the pool with my little nieces and nephew. But, we have a lockdown here and I am not allowed to visit their home right now. Go and have fun with your sister and your kids this weekend - they need you and you need them! 

I know it’s not good for my kids to see me so upset and just laying in bed. I took my youngest out this morning and we played a little in the backyard, but that’s all I could do. I don’t have the energy for anything else. My sister and I are not that close anymore but she loves my kids (my youngest used to call her “mommy” and me “mama”), and she will always take them when I need her to. I would never be able to tell her any of this because she is very judgemental (as is my entire family). So I’m glad I can come to this site and vent. No one needs to respond, I just have to get it out sometimes.  

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I know it’s not good for my kids to see me so upset and just laying in bed.

The obvious point being that you shouldn’t be upset and laying around in bed. 

What are you going to do to change that, such that you will be able to live your own life again and parent your children?  I’m not saying that to be judgmental, I’m just stating the obvious. You have been distracted and having difficulty coping for a month now... how much longer is this going to continue? 

Quote

My sister and I are not that close anymore but she loves my kids (my youngest used to call her “mommy” and me “mama”), and she will always take them when I need her to.

This, while endearing, make me wonder just how much time your child has spent with her aunt while you have been entertaining or texting/perseverating on your MM? I love my nieces and nephews like they are my own - they have never called me mommy. 

Edited June 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[LShalcy]

14 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

This, while endearing, make me wonder just how much time your child has spent with her aunt while you have been entertaining or texting/perseverating on your MM? I love my nieces and nephews like they are my own - they have never called me mommy. 

Too much. I spent two years on a liar. She is only two and a half. 

[BaileyB]

56 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

Too much. I spent two years on a liar. She is only two and a half. 

Sadly, I agree. I hope you can do something nice with them tomorrow. 

You may have wasted two years on the man. Don’t let him take this lovely weekend too. 

[Pumpernickel]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

The obvious point being that you shouldn’t be upset and laying around in bed. 

It’s depression, triggered by a stressful event. First step: get some meds just to bridge the worst. 

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

It’s depression, triggered by a stressful event. First step: get some meds just to bridge the worst. 

I don’t disagree. I have been suggesting for weeks that she needs to make an appointment with a counsellor or a physician - we have been told in as many words that it’s not going to happen. Hopefully, she will change her mind. 

Edited June 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[Prudence V]

17 hours ago, LShalcy said:

he had watched the video of our last time together

He’s been filming your sexual encounters? You’ve agreed to this, even after you knew he was married? Even knowing his BW could send them to your school board, or your principal, or the parents of kids in your class? Knowing he could upload it to a revenge porn site, or just to a DVD that he could leave in a computer where your daughter could find it? 
 

I know you’re not new to the whole infidelity scene, but this just strikes me as really, really naive.

[Prudence V]

15 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I spent two years on a liar.

Two years and counting. Even the drive to your date last night was “spent” (or wasted) on him. Probably the entire date he was lurking in the back of your mind, and even during the sex you weren’t fully present. 
 

And that is a choice, not an inevitability.

[jspice]

17 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I know it’s not good for my kids to see me so upset and just laying in bed. I took my youngest out this morning and we played a little in the backyard, but that’s all I could do. I don’t have the energy for anything else. My sister and I are not that close anymore but she loves my kids (my youngest used to call her “mommy” and me “mama”), and she will always take them when I need her to. I would never be able to tell her any of this because she is very judgemental (as is my entire family). So I’m glad I can come to this site and vent. No one needs to respond, I just have to get it out sometimes.  

So his kids get a happy mom and dad and a day out, and yours get a mess who doesn’t get out of bed. You chose to have kids. Pull yourself together.  

[LShalcy]

4 hours ago, Prudence V said:

He’s been filming your sexual encounters? You’ve agreed to this, even after you knew he was married? Even knowing his BW could send them to your school board, or your principal, or the parents of kids in your class? Knowing he could upload it to a revenge porn site, or just to a DVD that he could leave in a computer where your daughter could find it? 
 

I know you’re not new to the whole infidelity scene, but this just strikes me as really, really naive.

Yes, he always films them (for the most part). Probably not the best idea but I can’t say no to him. And now we’re back to texting like nothing has happened so I foresee a lot more problems in the future