After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[Taramere]

8 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

She also has a toddler/preschooler who demands more attention than the 13 year old. 
She has an entirely different problem with her 13 year old, who is watching her mother drink herself to sleep every night as she pines for a man that she can not have. While she may not be aware of the details, she is watching and she is learning about relationships and how to cope with stress from her mother... She is likely scared and just as concerned for her mother as we are. 

I didn't catch that.  Very scary indeed.  OP if you don't address this situation very quickly, I hope family members or child care professionals will step in and address it for you.  A toddler simply cannot thrive and may very well be at risk in a situation like this.  I really hope the next post we see from you is a sober, constructive outline of the immediate steps you'll be taking to get proper help and ensure a safe environment for your children...even if that means enlisting family members to look after them (particularly your toddler) while you get the help you need.  If the next post from you is yet another absorbed-in-your-own-feelings lament about this guy, then God help your poor kids.

[mark clemson]

Consider time exercising outside instead of alcohol. Not constantly, obviously, but maybe a routine to help keep your mind occupied. Maybe do it with your daughter so it's some "quality time".

Generally speaking, "getting over" the other person (when it's required) takes a lot longer than we'd like, but it DOES happen eventually. So recognize that. An important first step is to resolve to be done with the relationship, which can be easier said than done.

If it was me, I'd actually consider a fling (I think) but everyone's different so perhaps not for you.

[Allupinnit]

@LShalcy - do you exercise?  You need something to get you up and moving out of the house.  Play tennis.  Going to a boutique gym like Orangetheory.  Sitting around pining for a man who's at home with his wife while getting drunk is probably the most self-defeating thing you could do for yourself and your impressionable daughters.  And guess what?  He doesn't care.  He doesn't want you feeling like crap because that's not fun for him, it's not that he cares about your feelings.  

You're in a fight for yourself at this point.  Seriously eff that guy!!!  

[Wiseman2]

Get to AA. People who have unhealthy dependent relationships with substances have unhealthy dependent relationships with most everything/everyone else in their lives.  

The alcohol dependence and turning a blind eye to a cheating man is from the same place. Fix the alcohol issue and the other issues will become clear. Get the support of others who struggle with this. 

[Bittersweetie]

Yes, I wonder if you are hesitant to start counseling because it may bring up a host of other things other than your MM. That may be a valid concern because our behaviors often reflect the stuff going on within and from our past experiences. And addressing those issues can be very, very scary because one feels like, there's so much wrong with me, how can it ever get all fixed? I might as well not even try.

It's not necessarily about getting "fixed" (I mean, come on, no one is perfect) it's more about creating and utilizing healthy coping skills. I dealt with stressful stuff before my affair; I deal with stressful stuff now. But my coping skills have changed after I did the work to see how what I was doing (i.e an affair) wasn't really helping me in any way...in fact it made things worse.

That's why people are suggesting a professional...because deep diving into this stuff is hard and it's important to have a non-judgmental person to drive the discussion and hold one accountable. My life is not perfect but I am much more content and happy now, being honest and authentic, than I ever was before and when I was in my affair. It did take a lot of work on myself to get here...but I am so glad and thankful I did. 

[Pumpernickel]

5 hours ago, mark clemson said:

 

If it was me, I'd actually consider a fling (I think) but everyone's different so perhaps not for you.

A fling always helps me, too.

[Soak]

On 6/3/2021 at 2:22 AM, LShalcy said:

conversations with people I have spoke to before just to distract myself really

Please stop using people to make yourself feel better. You may end up hurting people that don't deserve it.

Edited June 4, 2021 by Soak

[LShalcy]

I am having a really really rough night of it this morning. He reached out to me twice yesterday, morning text, afternoon texting and everything was like normal but radio silence since then and it’s 6 am. I was very noncommittal in my responses- one of two words only. Now I am obsessively checking my phone and want to scream and cry that he hasn’t gotten back to me. This was sometimes normal - sometimes he would work in a different facility with limited service and it hasnt bothered me this much before. 
 

I’m just wondering is he texting someone else, what’s happening, is he over me? Maybe I should have been friendlier in my texts back to him?! The obsessive thoughts has me still on this board while I need to be getting ready for work!!

9 hours ago, Soak said:

Please stop using people to make yourself feel better. You may end up hurting people that don't deserve it.

I don’t want to use anyone I just want to feel better. I did make plans with someone because like some others have said, a fling can help, attention from someone else can help but he’s talking about a movie and dinner at his house and I can’t bear the thought of that and yes, I would be using him because I don’t really care about him.
 

I just want this to be over. How can I go to work with red eyes and crying?! I should just stay home. 

Edited June 4, 2021 by LShalcy

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

 want to scream and cry that he hasn’t gotten back to me. 

 

Yikes. Sounds worse than alcohol withdrawal.

You are better off seeking help and support from sobriety groups than from infidelity groups.

[HowToQuit]

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

Now I am obsessively checking my phone and want to scream and cry that he hasn’t gotten back to me. 
 

 

Look into Intermittent Reinforcement. This is exactly what’s happening and will be happening more and more, all at your mental health expense. 

[LShalcy]

28 minutes ago, HowToQuit said:

Look into Intermittent Reinforcement. This is exactly what’s happening and will be happening more and more, all at your mental health expense. 

I will look into yet. 

[LShalcy]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yikes. Sounds worse than alcohol withdrawal.

You are better off seeking help and support from sobriety groups than from infidelity groups.

Yes, but without the headache. I haven’t drank for the entire week though.

[LostMoon]

LShalcy, i feel your pain as its my own pain, i understand you.

I was in this, i felt like this, i wanted not to cry, but sceam and clime the walls. I begged God to hear me just that one time, and i promissed never to ask Hes help again. I could die for my MM, i could walk the ocean,  i could walk the fire. Just for see MM again, just for one message, just for one word, just for something..

 

I also have 2 daughters and at that time i didnt had any energy left for them. I was beyond any pain, in such a horror...

I was reading this forum, because it made me feel not alone, and it was taking me away from crying but i could not take any of such a generous advices of so many people. (Im impressed,  how much love and support is here, people not only share their experiences, but they really put an effort to be in your shoes). 

I was crying 24/7... One day i was standing at the busstation, and was crying as usual,  wanted just to lay down there and disappear... Took the phone and called to the health station. I said i feel so sad, and i dont know what to do. I got appointment with my doctor, said to him what is going on and how i feel. I got medication, as he said, to help to get to the state of mind, where i can think. Medication helped from the day 1, after maybe 3 weeks i was able to go to therapy, i stopped crying, i started to be more and more present. 

 

I think, you need some emergency help now. Maybe doctor? 

You dont have to give up on your MM. Have a faith. Believe me, i know how you feel... But first please help your self. See you self as small crying child who is hurt and needs hes mom. Please, be that mom, take small step back from the situation. Write a plan. Lets say for tomorrow:

1. Calling to get appointment with doctor. Write the time, set alarm, do it.

2. Please, take a risk to believe me. You know, how in dreams we sometimes falling, but we are ending up in bed? Fall like that to what i am saying. Believe me, its possible to feel better. 

3. Your MM is still there. He will be in your life as long as you need it and want it. Nobody is taking him away. Because thats how it is, no matter common rules..  Say for your self, that you let it be for now. Its not over.

I hope my post is not to emotional and not to messy. I really want to support you!

Messages you want to send for him, write them here. They all will be answered. 

Im with you. 

 

[LShalcy]

23 minutes ago, LostMoon said:

LShalcy, i feel your pain as its my own pain, i understand you.

I was in this, i felt like this, i wanted not to cry, but sceam and clime the walls. I begged God to hear me just that one time, and i promissed never to ask Hes help again. I could die for my MM, i could walk the ocean,  i could walk the fire. Just for see MM again, just for one message, just for one word, just for something..

 

I also have 2 daughters and at that time i didnt had any energy left for them. I was beyond any pain, in such a horror...

I was reading this forum, because it made me feel not alone, and it was taking me away from crying but i could not take any of such a generous advices of so many people. (Im impressed,  how much love and support is here, people not only share their experiences, but they really put an effort to be in your shoes). 

I was crying 24/7... One day i was standing at the busstation, and was crying as usual,  wanted just to lay down there and disappear... Took the phone and called to the health station. I said i feel so sad, and i dont know what to do. I got appointment with my doctor, said to him what is going on and how i feel. I got medication, as he said, to help to get to the state of mind, where i can think. Medication helped from the day 1, after maybe 3 weeks i was able to go to therapy, i stopped crying, i started to be more and more present. 

 

I think, you need some emergency help now. Maybe doctor? 

You dont have to give up on your MM. Have a faith. Believe me, i know how you feel... But first please help your self. See you self as small crying child who is hurt and needs hes mom. Please, be that mom, take small step back from the situation. Write a plan. Lets say for tomorrow:

1. Calling to get appointment with doctor. Write the time, set alarm, do it.

2. Please, take a risk to believe me. You know, how in dreams we sometimes falling, but we are ending up in bed? Fall like that to what i am saying. Believe me, its possible to feel better. 

3. Your MM is still there. He will be in your life as long as you need it and want it. Nobody is taking him away. Because thats how it is, no matter common rules..  Say for your self, that you let it be for now. Its not over.

I hope my post is not to emotional and not to messy. I really want to support you!

Messages you want to send for him, write them here. They all will be answered. 

Im with you. 

 

Thank you for this, it made me cry. 
 

I do need something to stabilize my mood and end these incessant and obsessive thoughts. I ended up texting him good morning and he responded right away and now we’re having a regular conversation. But it’s breaking my heart.

[Prudence V]

2 hours ago, LShalcy said:

But it’s breaking my heart.

OP, you have handed this MM the power to control your moods, to make the difference between you having a good day or a bad one, between you being able to function and not. That’s a lot of power to give someone. Do you trust him to put your best interests first - above even his own? Has he given you evidence that he will do so? 

[Prudence V]

3 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I haven’t drank for the entire week though.

The self-control that stops you drinking yourself into a coma can stop you letting this dude walk all over you, too. 

[PhoenixRising8]

6 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I am having a really really rough night of it this morning. He reached out to me twice yesterday, morning text, afternoon texting and everything was like normal but radio silence since then and it’s 6 am. I was very noncommittal in my responses- one of two words only. Now I am obsessively checking my phone and want to scream and cry that he hasn’t gotten back to me. This was sometimes normal - sometimes he would work in a different facility with limited service and it hasnt bothered me this much before. 

I’m just wondering is he texting someone else, what’s happening, is he over me? Maybe I should have been friendlier in my texts back to him?! The obsessive thoughts has me still on this board while I need to be getting ready for work!!

I just want this to be over. How can I go to work with red eyes and crying?! I should just stay home. 

It will only be over when you end it.  Until then you will continue to obsess over where he is, who he is with, who he is texting.  The only person who can make this over is YOU.  It will never go back to what it was pre-revelation.  If you don't end it, he will at some point because you are now shifting moods and behaviour with him - you aren't the good time girl any longer.   It may take a month, two, three, who knows but in the meantime you are killing yourself slowly.  Then you will have no choice.  You will have to go through the pain at some point, you are just choosing to prolong the pain, thinking if you hang on long enough, he will choose you in the end, except nothing he has said or done shows that to be the case.  

I remember what my neighbour said to me many years ago when my grandmother was dying.  I was doing everything possible to keep her alive, even when I knew there was no hope.  I needed her to live.  She asked me if I was really prolonging my grandmother's life or her dying process.  That really put things in perspective.  Her body was shutting down and I really was just prolonging her death.  Your relationship as you knew it is dying and you are holding on to any shred of it that you can.  It will never regenerate to what it was and what you are doing is prolonging your own suffering.  There is no short cut to ending the pain when you are actively continuing the relationship.  The short cut is to end it now.

As for why he wasn't responding, you THINK it's because he was a different location, but you DON'T actually know, do you?  If you are not aware of this, you can 'mute' texts and calls from a specific number meaning they still show up in your queue when you open it but you don't get alerts.  That may be why you never saw any texts from his wife for 2 years.  He muted her while with you.  He may just as easily been with someone else and muted you last night.

[Allupinnit]

Oh girl - you should have been NICER to him?  *sigh* look I know the heart wants what it wants, but this guy isn't worthy of the dog crap on your shoe, and you're being a bit ridiculous with this school-girl pining.  You're a professional.  A teacher.  A MOM!  And you are simply existing for a TEXT from this guy.  A DAMN TEXT.  Let that sink in!  He's not offering you a relationship, an apology, hell not even a REAL DATE. And yet you're incapable of functioning if you don't see his name pop up on your phone.  That sounds worse than heroin!

Do you know what HE'S busy doing?  Yeah, you do.  And that's why it hurts so much.  You're clamoring for a mere few seconds out of his day to type a meaningless message to you, at the same time he's probably drinking coffee with his wife as they discuss their day or maybe vacation plans for the summer.  Maybe a sick relative.  Who's picking up the kid from daycare.  REAL LIFE STUFF that has nothing to do with you.  Come on, @LShalcy you need to sack up and face your reality.  What do you want him to say to you?  That he's leaving her?  He's not!!!  So keep yourself on this hamster wheel, he's happy to oblige.  Men are incredibly good at compartmentalizing and he'll be ready to pull you off the shelf and play with you when he can sneak away again, and put you back where you belong at the end of the night.  

[LShalcy]

12 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Oh girl - you should have been NICER to him?  *sigh* look I know the heart wants what it wants, but this guy isn't worthy of the dog crap on your shoe, and you're being a bit ridiculous with this school-girl pining.  You're a professional.  A teacher.  A MOM!  And you are simply existing for a TEXT from this guy.  A DAMN TEXT.  Let that sink in!  He's not offering you a relationship, an apology, hell not even a REAL DATE. And yet you're incapable of functioning if you don't see his name pop up on your phone.  That sounds worse than heroin!

Do you know what HE'S busy doing?  Yeah, you do.  And that's why it hurts so much.  You're clamoring for a mere few seconds out of his day to type a meaningless message to you, at the same time he's probably drinking coffee with his wife as they discuss their day or maybe vacation plans for the summer.  Maybe a sick relative.  Who's picking up the kid from daycare.  REAL LIFE STUFF that has nothing to do with you.  Come on, @LShalcy you need to sack up and face your reality.  What do you want him to say to you?  That he's leaving her?  He's not!!!  So keep yourself on this hamster wheel, he's happy to oblige.  Men are incredibly good at compartmentalizing and he'll be ready to pull you off the shelf and play with you when he can sneak away again, and put you back where you belong at the end of the night.  

You are right in everything you said. And yes, that is why it hurts so much. 
 

i have a date later tonight and I guess I won’t cancel like I was going to, if only to get my mind off of him. I just can’t believe how he lied and told me he definitely wasn’t sleeping with anyone else when he was he sleeps in bed at night with his wife! He even told me we had to take it slow at first (when we first met) because he hadn’t had sex for a while.
 

im pathetic. 

[Pumpernickel]

Glad you didn’t cancel your date tonight. Enjoy and have fun! I’m sure it will help you disengage from this person. At least a little bit. One step at a time.

[Vivalavi]

57 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

You are right in everything you said. And yes, that is why it hurts so much. 
 

i have a date later tonight and I guess I won’t cancel like I was going to, if only to get my mind off of him. I just can’t believe how he lied and told me he definitely wasn’t sleeping with anyone else when he was he sleeps in bed at night with his wife! He even told me we had to take it slow at first (when we first met) because he hadn’t had sex for a while.
 

im pathetic. 

I'm sorry you are going through all this pain. When it comes to obsessing over MM, you and I have tons in common. I feel your pain. My MM ended it a week ago but we stayed in touch. Texting and sending pics every day. It hurts seeing his face knowing I won't be able to touch him or kiss him ever again. I'm pretty much torturing myself. Just like you, I'm overthinking why he didn't respond early or why he said this or that. He takes hours someday. I can't let go yet, but I know I will have to soon because this killing me emotionally.

When you mentioned your MM taking it slow because he had no sex for a while, it reminded me when mine said after first kiss that he is a bit rusty because it's been a while. Thinking back, I don't think it was truth. 

Just like someone before wrote you - look up intermittent reinforcement. It make so much sense. Except, I don't get how someone can play with other's feelings like that. 

Anyway, reading your posts helps me. It keeps me a little calmer to know that I'm not alone. Sending hugs. Btw, i hope you have a wonderful date night!

 

[LShalcy]

7 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

I'm sorry you are going through all this pain. When it comes to obsessing over MM, you and I have tons in common. I feel your pain. My MM ended it a week ago but we stayed in touch. Texting and sending pics every day. It hurts seeing his face knowing I won't be able to touch him or kiss him ever again. I'm pretty much torturing myself. Just like you, I'm overthinking why he didn't respond early or why he said this or that. He takes hours someday. I can't let go yet, but I know I will have to soon because this killing me emotionally.

When you mentioned your MM taking it slow because he had no sex for a while, it reminded me when mine said after first kiss that he is a bit rusty because it's been a while. Thinking back, I don't think it was truth. 

Just like someone before wrote you - look up intermittent reinforcement. It make so much sense. Except, I don't get how someone can play with other's feelings like that. 

Anyway, reading your posts helps me. It keeps me a little calmer to know that I'm not alone. Sending hugs. Btw, i hope you have a wonderful date night!

 

Thank you and it helps to know I’m not alone. How did he end it? Did he come right out and say he didn’t want to see you anymore? 
 

and thank you re the date. I hope I have fun but I doubt it. I seriously wasn’t even planning on ever going and I was going to cancel last minute (horrible I know), but I’m just feeling so much anger and hurt right now that maybe this might help. He said he he will be cooking and we can watch a movie (we both like scary movies), so I’m going to try to relax and have a nice time. This will at least prevent me from texting MM tonight. 

Edited June 4, 2021 by LShalcy

[Birdies]

The best and ONLY way to get over him is to block his a$$ and start No Contact.  Continued contact equals continued hurt.  This guy is a lying, slimy, scumbag and you and your kids deserve better.

I'm not someone who thinks all cheaters are evil POS.  I had an affair when married, with a married man.  We actually both ended up getting divorced, and we are now happily married with a family.  I think cheating is a dick move, but that some cheaters are good people who make terrible, selfish choices... and some cheaters are unredeemable jerks.  Your guy is the latter.  

Block his a$$, it's the ONLY way to move on.  What you are feeling right now is a literal addiction, and the only way to get past it is to start having No Contact.  You can't heal until you start that.  It will never get easier, it will just get harder.  So do it now.

Edited June 4, 2021 by Birdies

[Vivalavi]

11 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

Thank you and it helps to know I’m not alone. How did he end it? Did he come right out and say he didn’t want to see you anymore? 
 

and thank you re the date. I hope I have fun but I doubt it. I seriously wasn’t even planning on ever going and I was going to cancel last minute (horrible I know), but I’m just feeling so much anger and hurt right now that maybe this might help. He said he he will be cooking and we can watch a movie (we both like scary movies), so I’m going to try to relax and have a nice time. This will at least prevent me from texting MM tonight. 

He ended it saying his wife wants another baby and he could not continue without feeling guilty. He said he doesn't want to lead me on in any way. Whatever he meant by it. He said we both knew this could not go on forever and while I knew that, I don't understand his timing. He ended it when I told him that he is more than a friend to me and asked what's this for him. That's why I have a hard time to believe it was because of another baby. Either way, all I can think of is him being happy after having his cake and now having tons of sex with his wife during their baby making season. It hurts. I should be happy for him. 

Does your MM know about your date?

[LShalcy]

5 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

He ended it saying his wife wants another baby and he could not continue without feeling guilty. He said he doesn't want to lead me on in any way. Whatever he meant by it. He said we both knew this could not go on forever and while I knew that, I don't understand his timing. He ended it when I told him that he is more than a friend to me and asked what's this for him. That's why I have a hard time to believe it was because of another baby. Either way, all I can think of is him being happy after having his cake and now having tons of sex with his wife during their baby making season. It hurts. I should be happy for him. 

Does your MM know about your date?

Omg that is horrible, I’m so sorry that happened to you and he said that. I would be thinking exactly the same thing as you and it would drive me absolutely insane. Just imagining MM at home with her is driving me crazy. Like, absolutely crazy.

no, he doesn’t know about my date. He has always said he will be so jealous if I was with anyone else. One time I told him a clerk at a store was flirting with me (he was waiting outside), the next time we went to the store he drove up right next to the door because he said he wanted to make sure he didn’t flirt with me again. And all that time, he knew he was married but tried so hard to keep me only for him!
 

I haven’t told him and I won’t I’m just going to try to not contact him at all this weekend and maybe he’ll reach out to me.