After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[Allupinnit]

For heaven's sake don't date anyone right now.  First of all you're not ready and secondly nobody likes to play as a filler while you pine for the married guy.  Dinner and a movie at his home would also most likely lead it to the bedroom, and you are VULNERABLE right now!  Stay away from men for the moment!

I have also used alcohol to cope when dealing with a sad breakup and looking back I really wish I hadn't.  Alcohol exacerbates your anxiety, gives you crap sleep, not to mention all of the other dumb stuff we do when under the influence.  It dulls the pain at the moment but the cost to our mental health and bodies (and our LOVED ONES) takes a tremendous toll, and as you know it's not worth it.  You're going to have to face the reality of this sitch head on and not at the bottom of the bottle.  It's time to sack up and take control of this situation, sister! 

This MM isn't dumb and he very well knew you wanted to talk about his wife on Friday (how could you NOT?), and might even be astonished that you held back and slept with him anyway.  The fact that even HE acknowledged that you're going to get hurt tells you that the dynamic has changed permanently and not in your favor.  You want to know what he's doing because if he doesn't reply to your texts you picture him at home with his family!  And girl you would be right, a married man is busy doing married man things.  

At the heart of things I feel you want to know you mattered.  And you DO.  But you can't seek the validation you want from this empty barrel.  You get the sex and the texts but that's all he has to offer you.  He's taken and he's not leaving.  

I'm really hoping that something snaps in you, and fast.  But you have to block his number.  Strap oven mits on your hands if you have to but you NEED TO BLOCK HIM!

 

Edited June 2, 2021 by Allupinnit

[LShalcy]

37 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

This MM isn't dumb and he very well knew you wanted to talk about his wife on Friday (how could you NOT?), and might even be astonished that you held back and slept with him anyway.  The fact that even HE acknowledged that you're going to get hurt tells you that the dynamic has changed permanently and not in your favor.  You want to know what he's doing because if he doesn't reply to your texts you picture him at home with his family!  And girl you would be right, a married man is busy doing married man things.  

This exactly. Before I didn’t care that I wasn’t in constant communication with him all day, but now I care and feel like I need that. I literally feel like I’m going crazy. I’m just thinking of him in a house with another woman all day and I feel like there is a scream inside of me that can’t get out. I have never felt this way before and I hope to never feel it again. I knew he thought he had got away with everything when the entire night passed and I never mentioned his wife because the look on his face when that call came in was priceless. He did not know what to say, stayed silent for a while and then just started stuttering that he couldn’t answer the text because he was driving (I had yelled at him to answer the damn text already). 

 

37 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

For heaven's sake don't date anyone right now.  First of all you're not ready and secondly nobody likes to play as a filler while you pine for the married guy.  Dinner and a movie at his home would also most likely lead it to the bedroom, and you are VULNERABLE right now!  Stay away from men for the moment!

I have also used alcohol to cope when dealing with a sad breakup and looking back I really wish I hadn't.  Alcohol exacerbates your anxiety, gives you crap sleep, not to mention all of the other dumb stuff we do when under the influence.  It dulls the pain at the moment but the cost to our mental health and bodies (and our LOVED ONES) takes a tremendous toll, and as you know it's not worth it.  You're going to have to face the reality of this sitch head on and not at the bottom of the bottle.  

Yes the wine is a bad idea and I haven’t been falling down drunk but I have drank way too much this past month and I can see the same patterns developing from when I did have a problem in the past- and it’s because of him. I am planning not to drink this week but it’s the urges that are bothersome because it’s how my problem started last time.
 

I also know that seeing someone new right now is not the best idea but it’s easy to just try to forget him with the attention of someone else - although I am not really interested it is a distraction that takes me away from thinking of him. I know the end result of that dinner and movie would end up in his bedroom and I don’t want that. He is already mentioning that I can spend the night.

thank you for this board because I have been reading everything ALL day and it’s comforting me.
 

i also want to sincerely apologize for my reactions over the weekend, I was just feeling deeply hurt and used and worthless. I know the advice I received was given with the best intentions. 

Edited June 2, 2021 by LShalcy

[BaileyB]

 

18 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

i also want to sincerely apologize for my reactions over the weekend, I was just feeling deeply hurt and used and worthless. I know the advice I received was given with the best intentions. 

As we know that your response was related to the fact that you were deeply hurt and having difficulty coping. 

I am concerned about the fact that you are not at work again today - if you are spending the day reading the board. If you were in the classroom, you would not have time to be reading and replying. Have you taken a leave or called in sick again? Even though work is not your priority at the moment, protecting your employment is very important. 

 

[Allupinnit]

Honestly, it sounds like you're on the verge of a mental break!  The obsession, the addiction, I dunno - I hope you can call someone sooner rather than later.  You need to tell someone in your real life what you're going through, even if you're ashamed.  Call a hotline.  This is unfortunately the terrible fallout of affairs that nobody considers before getting entangled in one - the excruciating pain that accompanies it.  You cannot do this alone - as you are now seeing for yourself.  

If you don't block him now, trust that you have years ahead of you feeling THIS badly.  I don't think anyone can survive that.  It's either HIM OR YOU.

[LShalcy]

26 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I am concerned about the fact that you are not at work again today - if you are spending the day reading the board. If you were in the classroom, you would not have time to be reading and replying. Have you taken a leave or called in sick again? Even though work is not your priority at the moment, protecting your employment is very important. 

Because if COVID, we are still doing remote learning but only on Wednesdays; the kids work independently and teachers are in common planning meetings. So while I should be working on my lessons, I’ve just been reading this board. 

 

15 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Honestly, it sounds like you're on the verge of a mental break!  The obsession, the addiction, I dunno - I hope you can call someone sooner rather than later.  You need to tell someone in your real life what you're going through, even if you're ashamed.  Call a hotline.  This is unfortunately the terrible fallout of affairs that nobody considers before getting entangled in one - the excruciating pain that accompanies it.  You cannot do this alone - as you are now seeing for yourself.  

It feels like I am on the verge of a mental break, it really does

Edited June 2, 2021 by LShalcy

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, LShalcy said:

why am I not good enough for him?

This is an irrelevant question when the man is married - it's not as though he opted for another woman. He's always had another woman in his life who takes precedence. You just didn't know it. So, it was never a question of him choosing you. That wasn't going to happen, and now you know it. His wife is his choice, regardless of how little respect he has for her (or you)

This affair is likely going to come an end soon anyway, OP. He does not at all seem the type to stick around when the OW gets emotionally involved and wants more than he is willing to give. He doesn't seem like a guy who will be interested anymore when his terrible behaviour starts to openly hurt his OW. This dude is about free-wheeling and good times and reckless abandon - you can expect he will start fading out, because this won't be light and "fun" for him anymore. 

 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, LShalcy said:

It feels like I am on the verge of a mental break, it really does

So have you booked in a session with a counsellor?  Found an AA group?

Venting here is achieving nothing.  You need to take some steps towards recovery.

[MsJayne]

8 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I thought he was someone else & I’ve also been reading all our texts and I don’t know how someone can lie like that without meaning anything. And when I told him I was done he seemed sad,  and said he was being selfish and he’s sorry, and that I have the right to feel mad. But nothing that sounded extra sincere. 
 

 I still can’t help texting him throughout the day and he responds right away like normal. I’m just still so confused and hurt. This has given my self esteem a terrible blow. Like, why am I not good enough for him? I really thought there was a future there for us and the loss of that is the worst. 

1. He IS with someone else, he's married to her. You aren't, and never were, Number One. 

2. He can lie like that because he has no conscience, as evidenced by the way he treats his wife.

3. You have to stop with the texting, your weakness is feeding that monstrous ego of his. 

4. Why are you not good enough for him? Because no woman is, not even the one he married. Sociopaths don't love anyone. 

5. You haven't lost anything, you have gained your freedom. Your kids deserve to be the focus of your future plans, not some married buffoon. 

Sorry if all that sounds mean.  If he contacts you, please take back a bit of power by ignoring him - that's the best revenge you can get on one of these people, they can't stand to be ignored because it reduces them to nothing, which is what their fragile ego is all about. 

 

[lana-banana]

4 hours ago, LShalcy said:

It feels like I am on the verge of a mental break, it really does

The teary-eyed emoji are not cute when you are unable to attend to your children and work responsibilities, and giving in to the urge to drink excessively. Why are you so stubbornly resistant to even the idea of counseling? People are not suggesting it because they think you're crazy (you're not) or helpless (you definitely aren't, despite what you seem to think). We're recommending it because at this point the situation calls for a professional. Every single post indicates you're in a rapidly expanding crisis - why won't you take the most important step to protect yourself?

There is no shame in getting professional help. I saw counselors on and off for many years and have used my EAP before. That's why they're there: to offer resources and support when you can't do it alone. You can't do this alone, and you don't have to. Won't you please look after your health - if not for your sake, for your children's? I know some of these posts might seem harsh but all of us sincerely wish you the best.

Edited June 2, 2021 by lana-banana

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This affair is likely going to come an end soon anyway, OP. He does not at all seem the type to stick around when the OW gets emotionally involved and wants more than he is willing to give. He doesn't seem like a guy who will be interested anymore when his terrible behaviour starts to openly hurt his OW. This dude is about free-wheeling and good times and reckless abandon - you can expect he will start fading out, because this won't be light and "fun" for him anymore. 

^^^This^^^Once the affair is no longer fun but constant discussions it's no fun.   When MM detect that the affair is causing the OW to become unstable they really get scared because they fear what you might do to wreck his life, aka tell his wife.

[LShalcy]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This affair is likely going to come an end soon anyway, OP. He does not at all seem the type to stick around when the OW gets emotionally involved and wants more than he is willing to give. He doesn't seem like a guy who will be interested anymore when his terrible behaviour starts to openly hurt his OW. This dude is about free-wheeling and good times and reckless abandon - you can expect he will start fading out, because this won't be light and "fun" for him anymore. 

 

He has repeatedly said he hates to see me hurt and it makes him feel like s*** - but then he tells me he wants me to wait for him because I have waited for him before, why not now and he’s really happy when he’s with me - so just basically going around in circles. And I’m scared I’m going to lose him over blowing up at him last weekend and then sending him a bunch of texts telling him it was over and he was selfish and basically forced me to fall for him while lying to me for two years. I wasn’t the “fun” girl this weekend, I was basically the nag but what was to be expected? And I just don’t understand how he can do those things to me and then go home and kiss his wife like nothing?! It baffles me to no end and makes me feel worthless and gross. How can he lay next to her after what we do? How can someone do that? 

 

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is an irrelevant question when the man is married - it's not as though he opted for another woman. He's always had another woman in his life who takes precedence. You just didn't know it. So, it was never a question of him choosing you. That wasn't going to happen, and now you know it. His wife is his choice, regardless of how little respect he has for her (or you)

^^^this. Nothing has changed for him, nothing is different but for me everything is different because I know I will not be his first choice — he already had a first choice. Why do this to someone?! 
 

I literally feel like I am losing my mind because I cannot think of anything else — I have to reiterate I have NEVER felt like this ever in my entire life, with any relationship that I have ever had.  I have been reading these boards all day/weekend and have been reading about “love-bombing” and I guess thats what it was. 

 

I know I will have to reach out for help because  I can’t do this much longer, I haven’t been myself and it’s affecting everything. I guess I will have to look into talking to someone before I do lose everything. And especially with school almost over, I’ll be home all day and I know now it won’t be good. And I’ll be just be waiting for his breadcrumbs. 

[BaileyB]

38 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I’m scared I’m going to lose him over blowing up at him last weekend

 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, LShalcy said:

And I just don’t understand how he can do those things to me and then go home and kiss his wife like nothing?!

Becuase he doesn't care. That's how he was able to play you for 2 years. To him, it is essentially nothing. This is why remaining the OW is a terrible idea, because it will be a constant reminder that you don't mean much to him. 

And I would bet any money that you are not the first woman he's cheated with, either. He's very comfortable with infidelity - this ain't his first rodeo. 

Edited June 3, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[BaileyB]

24 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And I would bet any money that you are not the first woman he's cheated with, either. He's very comfortable with infidelity - this ain't his first rodeo. 

It probably won’t be his last either. 

[ExpatInItaly]

11 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It probably won’t be his last either. 

Totally agree. 

 

[Wiseman2]

On 6/1/2021 at 8:23 PM, LShalcy said:

  I did have a drinking problem years before, and I see myself sliding into those same bad habits.

Ok. It's not about him. It's about still using alcohol to cope.

Get to a physician about the moods and anxiety and an evaluation of your overall health.

Get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Also get involved in sobriety support. You won't get as beaten up or judged in a situation where it's about getting sober

See if this is for you:

https://www.aa.org/pages/en_us/is-aa-for-you-twelve-questions-only-you-can-answer

Edited June 3, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Starswillshine]

Anything that has "he said" before ot toss it out. Any words he used does not matter. What does his action show? Forget what he says. Words are easy. Watch actions. 

[introverted1]

21 hours ago, LShalcy said:

Like, why am I not good enough for him?

At this point, the real question is:  Why is he good enough for you? 

Don't you think you deserve a man of your own, one who will be satisfied with just you?

Don't you want a man who will bring you peace, not anguish, so that you can be happy in your own life and present for your children?

I agree that you should seek counseling to help you move forward.  Your current path is damaging to your kids, to your career, to your own mental well-being.  There is no shame in counseling; it's just a tool to use when we get stuck.

 

[Prudence V]

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And I would bet any money that you are not the first woman he's cheated with, either.

In OP’s original thread, she said as much - she’d asked him if he’d met and dated other women off the site, and he’d said yes. So she knows he’s serially unfaithful. The question is, is he unfaithful serially or in parallel? While he’s had other OW before, and will certainly have other OW again, it’s an open question in my mound as to whether he has OOW concurrently with OP and BW. I’m not saying he does or he doesn’t, but his modus operandi would certainly allow for that and there is every chance, IMV, that OP might find she’s merely one of several. 

[Prudence V]

22 hours ago, LShalcy said:

like normal.

Because this is “normal” for him. Nothing has changed. He still has a BW, like before, and (at least one) GF, like before. No consequences, except GF has become a bit more “high maintenance”. 

[Prudence V]

22 hours ago, LShalcy said:

why am I not good enough for him?

No woman is enough for him, however good. Because he doesn’t want an adult relationship. He wants to play at being a teenager, and no real woman is going to be satisfied with that. 

[Crazelnut]

You're still in a bit of denial if you think this guy is a prize. You're still afraid to "lose him," but you don't actually "have him." His wife does, unfortunately for her. You have a fantasy of a relationship that does not and will not ever exist.  You only have 2 choices here: (1) Be the sleezy OW and endure that pain constantly for as long as you see him, or (2) end it and endure the temporary pain. 

[Taramere]

13 hours ago, LShalcy said:

He has repeatedly said he hates to see me hurt and it makes him feel like s*** - but then he tells me he wants me to wait for him because I have waited for him before, why not now and he’s really happy when he’s with me - so just basically going around in circles. And I’m scared I’m going to lose him over blowing up at him last weekend and then sending him a bunch of texts telling him it was over and he was selfish and basically forced me to fall for him while lying to me for two years. I wasn’t the “fun” girl this weekend, I was basically the nag but what was to be expected? And I just don’t understand how he can do those things to me and then go home and kiss his wife like nothing?! It baffles me to no end and makes me feel worthless and gross. How can he lay next to her after what we do? How can someone do that? 

Well, lots of people on this thread are probably reading your posts and wondering "how can this woman, who has a 13 year old daughter who needs her to be practical, present and in good health, turn her back on that daughter's needs and carry on focusing obsessively on a married man who's messing her around?  How can somebody do that?"   

Not only is that a far more important question for you to address (for your daughter's sake, if you're currently too trapped in self loathing to do what's right for your own well being), but unlike this guy's thinking patterns and behaviour...its actually something you can take direct, constructive action in.

People are being harsh here because you've had so much practical advice about the immediate action you need to take in order to be a healthier, more present mother for an actual child who needs you, yet still you keep coming back to this board with talk of this married man and how devastated your feel about the situation.  As though you're the child and he's the parent who needs to shape up and put your interests first.  No doubt he's behaved badly, but you're not a child, he doesn't need to put your interests first - and he isn't going to.

If you google AA in your area right now, chances are that you'll soon find a website where you can have an initial discussion with somebody.  I'm sure it wouldn't be the sort of lengthy discussion about this man.  No serious, effective helper is going to entertain that.  Most likely it'll be a brief discussion about you not feeling in control of your thoughts, feelings and drinking - and, mainly, practical advice about where to find an AA meeting to attend either online or in person depending on Covid restrictions in your area.  It's well within your power to do that.  Stop making excuses and do it now.

[pepperbird2]

20 hours ago, LShalcy said:

Because if COVID, we are still doing remote learning but only on Wednesdays; the kids work independently and teachers are in common planning meetings. So while I should be working on my lessons, I’ve just been reading this board. 

 

It feels like I am on the verge of a mental break, it really does

Please , please, please take a step back! He isn't worth your mental well being!

I know this may be hard to hear, but if you want to see who and what this guy is, look at how he's treating his wife. Ask yourself if there is anything she could have done that would warrant the level of disrespect he's showing her. She's likely a lot like you, just a woman trying to make her way in the world the best way she knows how, and this is how he chooses to treat her?
Think of it as a glimpse into your future. You don't deserve that level of disrespect....no one does. You have value, you are worthy of a man who treats you (and others) with dignity and respect. With so much to offer, why are you wasting your time and your love on someone who isn't capable of reciprocating it in a healthy way? I'm just some stranger on the internet, and I even think you deserve so much more than he can give you...but YOU have to believe that.

[BaileyB]

18 minutes ago, Taramere said:

Well, lots of people on this thread are probably reading your posts and wondering "how can this woman, who has a 13 year old daughter who needs her to be practical, present and in good health, turn her back on that daughter's needs and carry on focusing obsessively on a married man who's messing her around?  How can somebody do that?"   

She also has a toddler/preschooler who demands more attention than the 13 year old. 
She has an entirely different problem with her 13 year old, who is watching her mother drink herself to sleep every night as she pines for a man that she can not have. While she may not be aware of the details, she is watching and she is learning about relationships and how to cope with stress from her mother... She is likely scared and just as concerned for her mother as we are. 

Edited June 3, 2021 by BaileyB