After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[RebeccaR]

3 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

There is no game you can play that he cannot play better and win.

The text message he received in his car, her nickname in his phone - I would be shocked if this was not all part of his game. He is a pro, you are an amateur.

Edited May 30, 2021 by RebeccaR
Typo

[LShalcy]

4 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

The text message he received in his car, her nickname in her phone - I would be shocked if this was not all part of his game. He is a pro, you are an amateur.

I see his phone all the time and I’ve never seen him get a text from her until Friday. 

[RebeccaR]

1 minute ago, LShalcy said:

I see his phone all the time and I’ve never seen him get a text from her until Friday. 

Exactly, what do you think has changed aside from you knowing he is married? He is putting you in his place by showing you his wife’s place in his life

[BaileyB]

29 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I’m not going to counseling, so you can stop suggesting it. 

Fair enough. You can continue to wallow in misery, refusing to eat for days, unable to do your job and be present with your children... you know what’s best. 

8 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I’m going to make it harder for him and see what happens. 

You made it harder for him on Friday night and he walked away. He told you to have a nice life. 

He didn’t fight for you then. What makes you think he is going to fight for you now. 

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Fair enough. You can continue to wallow in misery, refusing to eat for days, unable to do your job and be present with your children... you know what’s best. 

You made it harder for him on Friday night and he walked away. He told you to have a nice life. 

He didn’t fight for you then. What makes you think he is going to fight for you now. 

We also know that the moment the OW gets too clingy and demanding it's no more fun.  He already has a wife.  That is when they start looking for a new and improved OW.

[PhoenixRising8]

10 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

Well, this is the OW forum, after all. This OW is getting judged harshly because she seems extremely vulnerable and is destroying her own life and impacting her children. Not just because she is seeing a married man, which pretty much every thread starter here is doing.

Any OW who wants support in continuing to pursue a lying, cheating MM (yes they all lie but he’s taken it to new levels) is likely not going to get support in achieving that goal here. If she wants true support in being the OW and getting him to stay, there is a forum that is more supportive in that regard.

what support can we give to someone who is hellbent on destroying her life: she won’t get therapy, she won’t let him go, she isn’t ready to help herself. She has this toy she’s been playing with that she’s found out belongs to someone else, who will be hurt and angry to find out she’s been playing with it. But she doesn’t care and now hates her, even though this owner did nothing to her. On top of that, the toy is badly broken and it’s brokenness is now causing her harm. But none of that matters because she wants that toy, even hates the owner, because that broken toy is this only one she wants to have. It’s like trying to reason with a spoilt toddler. Very sad for her but more so for her own children and those she has care of at school who she is supposed to be a role model for. 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I see his phone all the time and I’ve never seen him get a text from her until Friday. 

The cat was out of the bag by then?

[Starswillshine]

This seems so over the top ridiculous it is becoming hard to believe. 

[LShalcy]

22 minutes ago, PhoenixRising8 said:

Any OW who wants support in continuing to pursue a lying, cheating MM (yes they all lie but he’s taken it to new levels) is likely not going to get support in achieving that goal here. If she wants true support in being the OW and getting him to stay, there is a forum that is more supportive in that regard.

Whatever, I’m done with this board. I won’t post anything again, I came here looking for support, not for people to tear me down, when I already feel so low.

Edited May 30, 2021 by LShalcy

[LShalcy]

15 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

This seems so over the top ridiculous it is becoming hard to believe. 

What’s so hard to believe? So don’t say anything, no one asked for you to chime in. 

[LShalcy]

5 minutes ago, S2B said:

you were never going to be anything else.

You don’t know anything.

[LShalcy]

I know I said I wasn’t going to post here but I really need help! If you’ve read my previous thread, you know the man I was seeing for two years was secretly married and we just recently saw each other on Friday when I happened to see a text come through from his wife. But I don’t know how to deal with the potential end of this relationship. We were texting last night and he told me he loves seeing me and spending time with me but he doesn’t want to see me hurt because he saw how mad I got at the text he received and it made him feel like s***. I told him I wanted to still see him (stupid I know), and he said, ok and he still wants to see me but it’s the “but” that is getting to me!

I couldn’t go to work today because I spent the last few days just drinking wine and trying to forget everything. I made myself get up for my daughter and I know I got defensive before, but this is really jeopardizing my health. I did have a drinking problem years before (before my 13 year old was born), and I see myself sliding into those same bad habits this last month, ever since I found out he was married. 
 

I want to just initiate NC and disappear but I’m scared of doing it. We messaged just good morning today and that’s been it. I don’t know what to do to save myself. I made tentative plans with another guy for Friday just so I can distract myself but I already know I’m going to cancel. 

Edited June 2, 2021 by LShalcy

[basil67]

How to save yourself?   At this point, therapy to support you in moving on from this, combined with attending AA.  Being the best you can for your kids is more important than being with this no-good liar.  

 

[BaileyB]

Counselling. And apparently, AA. 

[lana-banana]

You have got to get professional assistance immediately. It is abundantly clear that you are in no state to care for children, either as a parent or a teacher. If I were an aunt, grandparent, or other relative to your children I would be worried for their well-being in your custody.

Call your EAP right now---most have help 24/7---and get an appointment. Your life as you know it might depend on it.

[Starswillshine]

You need something to distract you right now. I definitely think counseling would help, but you also need some other outlet. 

What hobbies do you enjoy? Do you like being outdoors? This was my go to on days that I started to feel panicky. I would go for long walks. It was an easier way to distract myself because I can engage all my senses. Focusing on what sounds I was hearing, what I could smell, the feel of the sun or wind on my face, etc. I know it sounds silly, but if you can engage in those things, you can get my brain a rest from all the pain and hurt you feel. You need it for your sanity. It can be a challenge, and you have to constantly refocus back to it. 

I dont suggest you actually try to find someone to date right now, but maybe sign up on online dating site to just find some people to chat with for fun. Something, anything to keep you distracted. I had a lot of friends in the same situation as me when I went through my separation, and constantly messaging those friends kept me from messaging my ex. It kept me busy. 

Do what you can to keep yourself busy. Try to get out of bed. Clean, scrub, garden, do anything to busy yourself and your mind. Everytime you think of him, think of something negative associated with him and then try to refocus on whatever it is you are doing. Engage your senses to give your brain a break. 

[LShalcy]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

You need something to distract you right now. I definitely think counseling would help, but you also need some other outlet. 

What hobbies do you enjoy? Do you like being outdoors? This was my go to on days that I started to feel panicky. I would go for long walks. It was an easier way to distract myself because I can engage all my senses. Focusing on what sounds I was hearing, what I could smell, the feel of the sun or wind on my face, etc. I know it sounds silly, but if you can engage in those things, you can get my brain a rest from all the pain and hurt you feel. You need it for your sanity. It can be a challenge, and you have to constantly refocus back to it. 

I dont suggest you actually try to find someone to date right now, but maybe sign up on online dating site to just find some people to chat with for fun. Something, anything to keep you distracted. I had a lot of friends in the same situation as me when I went through my separation, and constantly messaging those friends kept me from messaging my ex. It kept me busy. 

Do what you can to keep yourself busy. Try to get out of bed. Clean, scrub, garden, do anything to busy yourself and your mind. Everytime you think of him, think of something negative associated with him and then try to refocus on whatever it is you are doing. Engage your senses to give your brain a break. 

Thank you, I do need something to take my mind off of this. I have been reading and reading the responses to my last thread all day and trying to wrap my head around the fact that he is  NOT who I thought he was. I couldn’t even understand being so in love with someone and cheating on them for two years. When I love someone, I don’t even want to look at anyone else, let alone kiss them and have sex with them. I was actually seeing someone before I met him and once I started falling for him I completely cut it off and told the other man I couldn’t see him. And this man wanted a serious relationship with me, I was over his house, he expressed interest in making plans for the future.

I thought he was someone else & I’ve also been reading all our texts and I don’t know how someone can lie like that without meaning anything. And when I told him I was done he seemed sad,  and said he was being selfish and he’s sorry, and that I have the right to feel mad. But nothing that sounded extra sincere. 
 

 I still can’t help texting him throughout the day and he responds right away like normal. I’m just still so confused and hurt. This has given my self esteem a terrible blow. Like, why am I not good enough for him? I really thought there was a future there for us and the loss of that is the worst. 

Edited June 2, 2021 by LShalcy

[Starswillshine]

10 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I don’t know how someone can lie like that without meaning anything.

Some people are just like this. People who say what they mean and mean what they say have a hard time understanding it. People are selfish by nature and look after their needs/wants first. They do what they have to do to continue life as it. Not understanding how he can do that just means you are a good person. 

 

12 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

why am I not good enough for him?

It really has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. One woman will never be enough. Monogamous people realize that it is not possible for one person to be everything and will focus on the good qualities of their "person" and be happy with that. Men (and women) like your MM will just seek to have multiple people to fit all the ideals he has. As my ex-husband explained it, there will be someone that would be best to go to concerts with but that person may not be the best to lay around on a rainy Sunday with. Yet another one would be a blast to hang out doing some physical activity. My ex has women who he does certain things with. His concert girl, his travel girl, his backpacking girl, etc. etc. He has a live in girlfriend and he still has other women he does things with. (It's pretty sad all around, but I can't say anything because I'll just be made out to be the jilted ex wife). 

[Bittersweetie]

On 6/2/2021 at 7:41 AM, LShalcy said:

 I still can’t help texting him throughout the day 

Yes, you can help it. You do have control over yourself, you are a grown adult. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but this relationship is affecting your parenting, your career, your health. No one is going to swoop in and save you from all of it. [] get yourself the help you need. You can do this, you can start on the path toward healing and growth. Sending positive thoughts to you LShalcy.

Edited June 20, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Rude

[pepperbird2]

OP, I know its may come across as mean, but what the heck are you thinking? You have NO right to turn to drinking to try and soothe yourself when you know you formally had some issues with alcohol. You have a daughter who needs you to be in top form, not drowning your sorrows in a glass of wine.

It sounds to me like you are really hurting, but you know alcohol won't really help. It will just make it worse and add to the negativity in your life. Do your daughter and yourself a HUGE favour and kick this guy to the curb. You can do so much better than a proven liar who will just break your heart over and over and over and over and over ad nauseum. Fix yourself and you won't even give a snake like him a second look because you'll know you are worth so much more.

[LShalcy]

35 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

OP, I know its may come across as mean, but what the heck are you thinking? You have NO right to turn to drinking to try and soothe yourself when you know you formally had some issues with alcohol. You have a daughter who needs you to be in top form, not drowning your sorrows in a glass of wine.

It sounds to me like you are really hurting, but you know alcohol won't really help. It will just make it worse and add to the negativity in your life. Do your daughter and yourself a HUGE favour and kick this guy to the curb. You can do so much better than a proven liar who will just break your heart over and over and over and over and over ad nauseum. Fix yourself and you won't even give a snake like him a second look because you'll know you are worth so much more.

I know and I agree completely.
 

At this point I am really hurting and I can safely say completely obsessed - even more obsessed than I was before, because before I never had to want to text him first or have to know what he was doing but now, now I feel like I need to know and I need to ensure he’ll respond to my texts. I sent him a message apologizing for freaking out this weekend, and he responded that it was ok and things were cool and the same line about I have a right to my feelings. 

2 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

I dont suggest you actually try to find someone to date right now, but maybe sign up on online dating site to just find some people to chat with for fun. Something, anything to keep you distracted. I had a lot of friends in the same situation as me when I went through my separation, and constantly messaging those friends kept me from messaging my ex. It kept me busy.

I agree that I’m not ready to date anyone else, I’m really not interested at all, but since I found out about his marriage, I reinitiated conversations with people I have spoke to before just to distract myself really; one guy wants me to come over Friday for dinner and a movie and I accepted but I already know I’m canceling Friday afternoon (but the fact that he actually wants me at his house is a good sign I guess). I just really do not want to see anyone else.  

Edited June 2, 2021 by LShalcy

[LShalcy]

7 minutes ago, S2B said:

You are handing him too much of YOUR power!

the feelings you have are valid - no reason to cover them up with drinking.

get some professional help to learn how to take your power back.

hopefully you can see and realize who he really is - and eliminate him from your life - no good is going to come from ever seeing him again. He’s been using you - stop allowing it. It’s causing you harm.

I completely agree, I am giving him everything while he is just taking. To be fair when the call came in he looked completely shocked and had this like deer in the headlights look, like he didn’t even want me to remember he has a wife. He just wants things to stay as they are, while that can’t work because there is no future. I have already lost two years of my life to him, if I continue to see him I know I’m going to lose even more of myself and more time. I know what I need to do I just can’t do it

 

[PhoenixRising8]

I know my posts in the previous thread angered you and I'm sorry for that.  They likely did so because what I said hit a nerve.  We all want to help and have given you advise.  We've advised you to end it for your own mental and physical health, and the well being of your kids. You insist you can't and want to fight for him.  We've advised you to go NC but you say you can't.  You don't understand how he could do this to you (I didn't understand it either with x MM).  We've suggested you go to counselling and you have flat out said you won't.  Now you tell us you started drinking when you've previously had a drinking problem.  You will undoubtedly self destruct if you continue to follow your heart and not your head.  In this case, your heart is not your friend or  You know what you need to do:

1. End it and go NC.  There is no future here.  He hasn't said he's leaving for you and he hasn't said he is.  By his silence he is telling you in actions he is happy with the status quo. Take it one minute at a time - forever is hard, so focus on getting through the end and NC moment by moment.  If you have an urge to reach out to us on this board.  We respond.
2. Go to counselling ASAP.  You can not do this alone.  We can only help to a point.  You need to understand why you need the validation of someone like MM.  There is something in you that needs healing and only counselling will help you with that.
3. Stop drinking and go to AA meetings.  Do you really want to add a drinking problem to your anxiety etc.  And if you are on medication, the interaction between meds and alcohol can be unpredictable.  People drink to drown out the pain but often it has the opposite effect in amplifying it.
4. Only you can take the steps to help you and that means you need to be honest and rational with yourself.  If your mother, sister, friend was in your situation, would you recommend she fight for someone else's husband, not go to counselling and start drinking?  I doubt it.  You would counsel her to end it, seek counselling and stop drinking.

Whether you want to admit it, and you must if you want to get beyond this, you need help and you need to end it.  Full stop.  You are harming yourself and your children.

[BaileyB]

If I could add one more thought to the list above.

5. Don’t date. You need to be single for a while because you have some work to do to stabilize yourself and heal this pain. While it may be tempting to distract yourself with another person, a band-aid solution is not going to help you when you have a broken arm. This is much bigger than “distract yourself by having some casual fun with another man.” You have some addiction issues to address, and lots of other work to do with a counsellor. Give yourself the time and space to do what you need to get your life back on course. 

Relationship decisions made from fear and desperation tend not to be good decisions. You are vulnerable right now. Let’s not take an already bad situation and make it worse by jumping from one unhealthy relationship to another. 

Edited June 2, 2021 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

21 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I have already lost two years of my life to him, if I continue to see him I know I’m going to lose even more of myself and more time. I know what I need to do I just can’t do it

Try to visualize 5 years from now you still pinning for someone else's husband.  You will have aged from the stress of the affair and wanting him, so mentally and emotionally messed up that you've wasted your looks and you still don't have him.   If you turn into a drunk I can guarantee you will be replaced with another Ow.   If you can't get help for yourself at least do it for your kids.