After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, LShalcy said:

he told me yes, he had met one person before but he they only went out once because he didn’t like her in person. I can’t remember how long he said he was on the site for but I’m thinking he said a few months or so. 

You can be assured that most anything that he says is a lie.

[RebeccaR]

If his wife finds out through carelessness or any other way, his daughter will hate you forever. You think he will sacrifice his relationship with his daughter for you? He couldn’t even be bothered to tell you the truth - you are not that important to him.

Also, your kids - does he really want to raise someone else’s toddler? I know you are not thinking of their best interests right now, but you need to wake up and fast.

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You can be assured that most anything that he says is a lie.

I don’t disagree, but I also wouldn’t doubt it. The man was on a dating site looking for an affair. It’s entirely possible that he met more than one woman. 

6 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I cannot understand being married for only one year and then going on a dating site.

That’s the thing. It is incomprehensible except to say that a man with any kind of personal character or integrity would not do this. 

Edited May 30, 2021 by BaileyB

[introverted1]

 

25 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I know it’s wrong but I do hate her. A part of me wants her to find out so she can feel what I feel. But no, I’m not going to tell her and I’m not going to threaten him that I will tell her. I just want her him to feel the pain I’m feeling. 

Fixed it.

There is something really off that you hate a woman who has done nothing to you and is being deceived even worse than you have been, but continue to long for this pathetic excuse of a man.

If you can't or won't get counseling for your own best interest, then do it for your daughter.  You have an obligation as a parent to be not only present but to model healthy behaviors for her.

Edited May 30, 2021 by introverted1

[LShalcy]

14 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

If his wife finds out through carelessness or any other way, his daughter will hate you forever. You think he will sacrifice his relationship with his daughter for you?

I’m not suggesting that he sacrifice his relationship with his daughter. But I wouldn’t be the one to hurt her - he will - because he’s the one cheating on her mother. 

[RebeccaR]

Just now, LShalcy said:

But I wouldn’t be the one to hurt her - he will - because he’s the one cheating on her mother. 

Whether or not this is true (and now you are knowingly in an affair it’s not so clear cut), she WILL still blame YOU. And if she hates you, he will not take your side.

[elaine567]

39 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I know it’s wrong but I do hate her. A part of me wants her to find out so she can feel what I feel. But no, I’m not going to tell her and I’m not going to threaten him that I will tell her. I just want her to feel the pain I’m feeling. 

This is primal and instinctive. Territorial.
He is HER man how dare the wife get in the way...
She hates the woman, not the man. She loves the man.
She wants to fight the wife for her beloved man's attention

[RebeccaR]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

This is primal and instinctive. Territorial.
He is HER man how dare the wife get in the way...
She hates the woman, not the man. She loves the man.
She wants to fight the wife for her beloved man's attention

There is no man in the planet worth competing for. If someone doesn’t choose me without a competition, bye bye, have a nice life. 

[BaileyB]

27 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I’m not suggesting that he sacrifice his relationship with his daughter. But I wouldn’t be the one to hurt her - he will - because he’s the one cheating on her mother. 

Rebecca is correct, his daughter (and perhaps also his wife if his affairs are ever discovered) is likely to blame the other woman because they have a preexisting relationship with this man and it is sometimes very difficult to assess the situation rationally and believe that someone you hold affection for could be the source of your pain. 

You don’t believe me - consider the fact that you chose to blame and hate his wife rather than placing the blame with the source of your pain - the man with whom you have a relationship and hold affection. Your thinking is not rational here - so why would you expect his family to think rationally and place the blame with the source of their pain - their husband and father. 

Just as it’s easier for you to hate his wife, it’s much easier for them to blame the other woman. It takes great strength, and empathy, and understanding to consider the point of view of the woman who was complicit in the destruction of your family. Not everyone is capable of that. 

Edited May 30, 2021 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

Just now, RebeccaR said:

There is no man in the planet worth competing for. If someone doesn’t choose me without a competition, bye bye, have a nice life. 

Same here. If a man is comparing me to another woman, I am out of there.
I want to be #1 always. Any hesitancy on his part means I am not #1, so adios amigo..

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Same here. If a man is comparing me to another woman, I am out of there.
I want to be #1 always. Any hesitancy on his part means I am not #1, so adios amigo..

Absolutely! 

If I ever discover there is another woman - she is welcome to have the lying, cheating man. This is not a man worth fighting for...

[introverted1]

3 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I’m not suggesting that he sacrifice his relationship with his daughter. But I wouldn’t be the one to hurt her - he will - because he’s the one cheating on her mother. 

He's robbing the bank but you're driving the get-away car. You're both cheating.

If you're in the US, you can even be sued by the wife for "alienation of affection" in some states. There's also a related legal condition called "criminal conversation," which your exchange of pictures falls under.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I cannot understand being married for only one year and then going on a dating site.

You also have no clue if they've only been married a year. Why do you believe anything he tells you?

 

3 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I know it’s wrong but I do hate her.

This is ridiculous. 

She didn't choose this. You did, the moment you found out he was married and you continued anyway. You've got it all wrong. 

You hate him for hurting you so badly. At least direct your hatred in the appopriate direction.

Edited May 30, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[LShalcy]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

You also have no clue if they've only been married a year. Why do you believe anything he tells you?

They have been married for three years, this year. I meant that they were only married for a year when we met and he was on the dating site.

 

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She didn't choose this. You did, the moment you found out he was married and you continued anyway. You've got it all wrong. 

 

I already know it’s wrong that I hate her. She apparently  doesn’t know her husband has been cheating on her for at least two years. And she’s married to him so yes, it would be even more devastating for to find out. But I can’t help how I feel about her. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

They have been married for three years, this year. I meant that they were only married for a year when we met and he was on the dating site.

My point is that you have no idea if anything he tells you is true. 1 year, 3 years, 10 years. You're in the dark. You know nothing about him, other than what he tells you. And you know he lies to you, a lot. 

Further, your hate is misguided. I would examine why you "hate" someone who has nothing to do with either or his or your bad choices and poor conduct. 

Edited May 30, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[LShalcy]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

Your hate is misguided. I would examine why you "hate" someone who has nothing to do with either or his or your bad choices and poor conduct. 

I don’t have to examine why, it’s clearly because she has something I want.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, LShalcy said:

I don’t have to examine why, it’s clearly because she has something I want.

Nah. 

I don't think so. I think you're mad as hell as him but you're in such deep denial that you don't know where to direct your anger. 

You need to get real with yourself about who hurt you and who you're really mad at. 

[LShalcy]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

Nah. 

I don't think so. I think you're mad as hell as him but you're in such deep denial that you don't know where to direct your anger. 

You need to get real with yourself about who hurt you and who you're really mad at. 

I am mad at him. But I also know that she is the obstacle in this. I already said I know it’s wrong because she is getting deceived even worse than  me. 

[introverted1]

5 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I am mad at him. But I also know that she is the obstacle in this. I already said I know it’s wrong because she is getting deceived even worse than  me. 

She's not the obstacle.  His character is.

If by some miracle he was to leave her and be with you, how long do you think it would be before he was on a dating site looking for his next side piece?  As you've said, this is a man who was using OLD to find some extra marital sex within months of getting married.  His commitment to you would be just as fluid.

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I don’t have to examine why, it’s clearly because she has something I want.

 

7 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I also know that she is the obstacle in this. 

The fact that you still see this man as a prize worthy of “winning” is a problem for you. Hopefully, with a little time and distance and counselling you can develop a better perspective on this...

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

She's not the obstacle.  His character is.

If by some miracle he was to leave her and be with you, how long do you think it would be before he was on a dating site looking for his next side piece?  As you've said, this is a man who was using OLD to find some extra marital sex within months of getting married.  His commitment to you would be just as fluid.

Never mind this - now that this relationship has apparently ended, my bet is that his profile will be back on the dating site sooner than later and he will be fishing for woman to deceive. Another sex partner. A man who does this kind of thing is not interested in monogamy...

OP, we recently had a woman here who met her married man on a dating site and she swore to us that he also had the best of intentions. They had a relationship until she finally ended it because he said he would leave but never did. If memory serves, he was eventually discovered or left his wife to be with her and returned home. His affair ended, and back in his unhappy marriage, he went back to the dating website and found himself another woman only to be faced with a real conundrum at one point - he was forced to chose between is wife and TWO other women. Thankfully, that poster finally came to her senses and left this man in her past. 

You stay with him, you would most definitely be sharing him with another woman - whether that be his wife or another affair partner, 

Edited May 30, 2021 by BaileyB

[Prudence V]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I wouldn't rule it out, given how nonchalant he appears to be about it. 

Nor would I, if he were an adult. But emotionally he’s an adolescent, living in some fantasy world where “fate” makes all the decisions for him.
 

I’m guess from the timings the OP described here (4 year old kid, married 3 years) that marrying his BW “happened” because of the kid, and the kid “happened” because he didn’t do anything to prevent pregnancy. So if another kid “happens”, it will be “fate” again and he’ll leave it for “fate” (ie someone else) to mop up his mess for him. 

[RebeccaR]

If the OP were to fake a pregnancy, she will see how he would react to a real one

[Prudence V]

5 hours ago, LShalcy said:

It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world...

OP by your own admission, you can’t even parent the kids you’ve got right now. Single parenting them *and another kid* whose sperm donor probably won’t even acknowledge that kid won’t make it easier. 
 

And if he does play any part in such a kid’s life, you know how that will play out, don’t you? He’ll be sending pix of that kid (interspersed with pix of his genitalia) to his other girlfriends, to hook them in the way it worked so well with you. Would you be happy for your kid to be used in that way? 

[Prudence V]

5 hours ago, BaileyB said:

To have such a nonchalant attitude about pregnancy is not normal. 

... for a rational adult. He’s not.