After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[BaileyB]

11 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I know I need to walk away, to leave for good, but I don’t think I’m there yet. 

My goodness, if this doesn’t do it for you, I don’t know what you need to happen. 

11 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

If he was going to leave her, that would have been the perfect opportunity to say it.

Yes, it would have been the perfect opportunity. The fact that he didn’t even make a feeble attempt to tell you he was going to leave says a lot. He has absolutely no intention of leaving his wife. He did not fight for you at all. He let you rage and walk away - and then sent a ridiculous text that basically said “too bad it didn’t work out differently.”

You have no choice but to walk away. There is nothing here anymore.

 

Edited May 30, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, Minnie Moo said:

Then I sincerely hope you aren’t pregnant.  In fact I would go so far as to say it would be worth ensuring you aren’t. If I were you I’d be obtaining emergency contraception. I’d also be seeking to be STI tested. I would get myself some counselling/therapy arranged.

In that order, yes. 

[Minnie Moo]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

In that order, yes. 

I’ve just got an awful feeling if she doesn’t we’ll end up with a new thread not long in the future saying how she’s now pregnant with his baby but he still refuses to step up and leave his wife (‘his love’)  

I just hope LShalcy proves me wrong  

Edited May 30, 2021 by Minnie Moo

[ExpatInItaly]

If you're not using protection, I do hope you're at least getting tested for STIs/HIV. 

I would trust this man one bit to not be sleeping with other women in addition to you and his wife - if not regularly, then at least occasionally. I also would not trust his word that he's clean. The man's MO is lying and decpetion, and remember, he's got no problem lying to you.The enormous risk to your health is not worth it. How pissed are you going to be if he infects you with something? And you won't have anyone to blame but yourself. 

I also think it's a good thing you saw that message from his wife and the fact that he refers to her as "my love". You need to get out of the clouds you're currently in. It's not just that he has sex with her too. It's also that they live their daily lives together: probably cuddle at night in bed sometimes, wake up together, go to get medicine from the drugstore when the other is sick, chat about their day and vent over morning coffee, share videos of their daughter together - the video he sends you? He's probably sending them to her, too. Heck, he probably gets some of them from her. He probably brings her coffee or flowers or her favourite candy sometimes. The usual stuff. 

You want to believe their marriage must be bad but it's more likely just like most marriages (on the surface) - every day life, mixed with highs and lows. It's obviously not that bad or he'd have given some indication that he might leave her. But he hasn't. He likes the way his life is, and that includes his marriage to his wife. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, Minnie Moo said:

I’ve just got an awful feeling if she doesn’t we’ll end up with a new thread not long in the future saying how she’s now pregnant with his baby but he still refuses to step up and leave his wife (‘his love’)  

For all we know, this man might be comfortable with unprotected sex because he's had a vasectomy or something. I realize he likes to play make-believe with OP's imagination about what their hypothetical kids might look like but who knows if he's actually still able to conceive. 

I wouldn't rule it out, given how nonchalant he appears to be about it. 

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He likes the way his life is, and that includes his marriage to his wife. 

And his girlfriend... He liked having a fantasy relationship with his girlfriend and then going home to his “love” and his child. He doesn’t want that to change. And, in the event that OP is not willing to keep up the fantasy anymore, he has nothing to offer. 

[LShalcy]

4 minutes ago, Minnie Moo said:

I’ve just got an awful feeling if she doesn’t we’ll end up with a new thread not long in the future saying how she’s now pregnant with his baby 

It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world...

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world...

If you honestly believe that, you're extraordinarily naive. 

Time to be an adult instead of acting like a teenager in love for the first time with the local bad boy. Seriously. 

[Minnie Moo]

3 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

 

8 minutes ago, Minnie Moo said:

I’ve just got an awful feeling if she doesn’t we’ll end up with a new thread not long in the future saying how she’s now pregnant with his baby 

It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world...

 

Then I wish you all the luck in the world as I don’t think you’ve any intention of taking anyone’s advice on board and being in control of your own life/body/future at all.  You’re quite prepared to let the whims and wants of this ‘child man’ dictate what happens to you.

You can play the ‘pick me’ dance till you’re blue in the face but this guy has no intention of ‘picking’ you. You’re a side piece and nothing more. Having his child won’t change that it will just make things more difficult all round. 
 

Let’s hope he has had the snip then and you’re not pregnant as clearly you’re seeing being so as an opportunity to gain leverage on him.  
 

After x19 pages of advice and pretty much everyone on here singing from the same hymn sheet I think you’re too far in denial and too convinced this guy is worth fighting for to actually do anything whatsoever to protect yourself, your child and your career   
 

Respectfully, I’m not convinced there’s anything anyone can say that will help you see sense on this matter 

 

[lana-banana]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

For all we know, this man might be comfortable with unprotected sex because he's had a vasectomy or something. I realize he likes to play make-believe with OP's imagination about what their hypothetical kids might look like but who knows if he's actually still able to conceive. 

I wouldn't rule it out, given how nonchalant he appears to be about it. 

This is what I've thought since the beginning. No scares in 2 years of regular sex and he's talking about their future kids or whatever? The only reason he's so comfortable doing it is because he knows it's never going to happen, vasectomy or otherwise.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, lana-banana said:

This is what I've thought since the beginning.

Same. 

I don't think he can have more kids, and I think he's known that all along. He tricks OP into thinking he wants kids with her because he knows she will keep having sex with him while they pretend to have this fantasy future.

 

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, lana-banana said:

This is what I've thought since the beginning. No scares in 2 years of regular sex and he's talking about their future kids or whatever? The only reason he's so comfortable doing it is because he knows it's never going to happen, vasectomy or otherwise.

That said, he does have a young child. He would not have had a vasectomy if they were planning to have another child. 
That said, it does seem odd that there were no scares in two years. To have such a nonchalant attitude about pregnancy is not normal. 

[Minnie Moo]

12 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

For all we know, this man might be comfortable with unprotected sex because he's had a vasectomy or something. I realize he likes to play make-believe with OP's imagination about what their hypothetical kids might look like but who knows if he's actually still able to conceive. 

I wouldn't rule it out, given how nonchalant he appears to be about it. 

Let’s hope he has then.
Adding a pregnancy to this saga will just be far too sad.
Imagine his wife finding out he’s fathered another child with another woman. Surely that would break someone.   

[LShalcy]

15 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

That said, he does have a young child. He would not have had a vasectomy if they were planning to have another child. 
That said, it does seem odd that there were no scares in two years. To have such a nonchalant attitude about pregnancy is not normal. 

His daughter is only 4 and he’s only 33 so I don’t think he would have had a vasectomy already but it’s not impossible I guess. And it has been strange that I haven’t become pregnant already, really, since we have never used protection, not even the first time and we have had sex at all parts of my cycle. I did admit that I think it was weird that he started the conversation about what our kids would look like and saying how beautiful they would be. I can’t even think about that now without crying, my eyes have been swollen since yesterday, even my 2 year old asks what’s wrong and I’m just not even present for her, doing things she wants to do, just giving her the iPad so I can wallow in my misery. It’s horrible. I guess I do need help because I cannot continue like this much longer. 
 

thank  you to everyone who has offered me advice on this board, I appreciate it and although it seems I’m not listening, I’m taking it all in. 

Edited May 30, 2021 by LShalcy

[RebeccaR]

13 minutes ago, Minnie Moo said:

Surely that would break someone.

OP hates the wife so she is hoping the wife is the one

[RebeccaR]

1 minute ago, LShalcy said:

His daughter is only 4 and he’s only 33 so I don’t think he would have had a vasectomy already but it’s not impossible I guess

Maybe he is infertile and the daughter is a stepkid - you just don’t know 

[LShalcy]

4 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

Maybe he is infertile and the daughter is a stepkid - you just don’t know 

His daughter looks identical to him.

Edited May 30, 2021 by LShalcy

[RebeccaR]

1 minute ago, LShalcy said:

His daughter looks identical to him.

I guess he is taking precautions somehow, isn’t there a male pill?

[ExpatInItaly]

7 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

even my 2 year old asks what’s wrong and I’m just not even present for her, doing things she wants to do, just giving her the iPad so I can wallow in my misery.

If you won't get away from him for you, do it for your daughter. 

She doesn't deserve to be dismissed because you are not making wise choices. 

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I guess I do need help because I cannot continue like this much longer. 

Finally! 

Please, seek help. 

[LShalcy]

14 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

OP hates the wife so she is hoping the wife is the one

I know it’s wrong but I do hate her. A part of me wants her to find out so she can feel what I feel. But no, I’m not going to tell her and I’m not going to threaten him that I will tell her. I just want her to feel the pain I’m feeling. 

Edited May 30, 2021 by LShalcy

[BaileyB]

7 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I know it’s wrong but I do hate her. 

This woman had the rather unfortunate luck of marrying a man before he went on a dating site looking for an affair partner. 
You should tell her the truth of her marriage. She deserves to know the man to whom she is married. 

Edited May 30, 2021 by BaileyB

[RebeccaR]

6 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

But no, I’m not going to tell her

Only because you don’t want him angry with you 

[LShalcy]

3 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

Only because you don’t want him angry with you 

You’re right

[LShalcy]

12 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

This woman had the rather unfortunate luck of marrying a man before he went on a dating site looking for an affair partner. 

I cannot understand being married for only one year and then going on a dating site. It’s common on dating sites to ask the person you’re talking to if they have ever met anyone off the site. I asked him that during our first conversations and he told me yes, he had met one person before but he they only went out once because he didn’t like her in person. I can’t remember how long he said he was on the site for but I’m thinking he said a few months or so. So he had cheated on his wife even before he met me and he just married her!