After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[LShalcy]

 

8 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Maybe she wants her to see the pictures. “Accidental” discovery may be helpful if your goal was to live happily ever after with your affair partner. 

Perhaps she is just naive enough to believe that she wouldn’t share the pictures with her employer. 

No, I do not think she will ever see the pictures because he seems pretty good at covering his tracks (apparently). If she did, how would she even know where to send them? I agree I probably shouldn’t send any more. And no, I don’t want her to find them. And I’m trying not to think about his sex life with his wife. 

 

 

Edited May 29, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted references to removed content

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I’m not planning to be the other woman and I already told him I don’t want this to be our last time to meet and he asked, why would it be?

You have said before that you don’t expect him to leave his wife but what exactly do you see as the alternative option? 

Here, you seem to be making the assumption - drawing the line between “I don’t want to be the other woman” and “he will leave his wife” because he says to you “why would this be out last time together?” If you “don’t want to be the other woman” and he “doesn’t want this to be the last time” - the only solution is that he files for divorce - correct? 

Don’t be surprised when the answer tonight is “I’m trying... I’ll do what I can... I need to stay for my daughter... I’m working on it...” As was said above, he will tell you anything you want to hear because it is what he does... and you will want to believe him because that’s what you do...

[Prudence V]

12 hours ago, LShalcy said:

No, I do not think she will ever see the pictures because he seems pretty good at covering his tracks (apparently).

Not that good - you discovered he was married, after all. 
 

And since that taught him that discovery has no consequences, he’ll be less concerned about covering his tracks in future. 

[Prudence V]

12 hours ago, LShalcy said:

If she did, how would she even know where to send them?

Depends on what he’s prepared to do to get her to calm down, when she finds them. If he tells her you’re a teacher, even if he doesn’t tell her where, she’ll make sure she finds out. Don’t underestimate the lengths some people go to to exact revenge. We’ve had members on these boards doxxed and hunted down by people who weren’t even the BS of their MM, just some random BS on these boards, because they were so incensed. Don’t assume anything - be very careful with what power you give someone else to make your life hell. He’s already shown you that the only person he thinks of is himself. Don’t count on him suddenly being on your side, when his own life(style) is on the line. 

[BaileyB]

13 hours ago, LShalcy said:

And I’m trying not to think about his sex life with his wife. 

I know you are. You would prefer that she not exist. You don’t want to think about her at all because it’s harder to stay in this relationship and to have sex with the man if you are aware that he has a wife and another sexual partner. But, denying her existence isn’t going to help you to make a good decision here. 

[elaine567]

13 hours ago, LShalcy said:

No, I do not think she will ever see the pictures because he seems pretty good at covering his tracks (apparently). If she did, how would she even know where to send them? I I agree I probably shouldn’t send any more. And no, I don’t want her to find them. And I’m trying not to think about his sex life with his wife. 

For an educated women and a teacher you seem to be very naïve.
This man is in no hurry to run to you, so the minute his wife finds out he will do almost anything to try to keep her, as that is how it usually pans out,  
If she asks who you are, he will then tell her and throw you under the bus.
If she sees the pics or even if she doesn't but she knows who you are, then it is not a far stretch for her to then contact your work, to try to make maximum trouble for you...

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, LShalcy said:

And I’m trying not to think about his sex life with his wife. 

But think about that: to "date" this man, you have to block out reality. 

This is going to end only one way. 

[PhoenixRising8]

16 hours ago, LShalcy said:

 

No, I do not think she will ever see the pictures because he seems pretty good at covering his tracks (apparently). If she did, how would she even know where to send them? I agree I probably shouldn’t send any more. And no, I don’t want her to find them. And I’m trying not to think about his sex life with his wife. 

 

 

If you don’t know already, it is possible to identify who people are having only a picture. Lots of facial recognition software out there for example. A name given while trying to placate the BS leading her to an exhaustive search of you digital footprint: LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest etc. Unless you have none of these, it’s fairly easy to track someone down. A text observed by BS can very easily become a hunt through his phone. Lots of ways a BS can get information.

[LShalcy]

10 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I know you are. You would prefer that she not exist. You don’t want to think about her at all because it’s harder to stay in this relationship and to have sex with the man if you are aware that he has a wife and another sexual partner. But, denying her existence isn’t going to help you to make a good decision here. 

So.... We had a great night together. We watched a movie, ate, and yes, we had sex. I didn’t bring his wife up. I couldn’t. I didn’t want to ruin it. Everything was great - until he got a text message alert and it popped up on the car radio because he had his phone connected. This is the first time he’s ever gotten a message from her in the years years we have been together. The name he had saved for his wife? “My love”. I lost it. I told him it was over and I was done. After he dropped me off, he texted me that “fate should have bought us together sooner”. But he didn’t mention he was leaving his wife. So I’m done. I am in so much pain. We had such a nice night - and then this. I’m devastated.

[RebeccaR]

I am so sorry for your pain, and I hope for your sake that you are truly done.

[Alfano]

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

This is the first time he’s ever gotten a message from her in the years years we have been together.

That you know of.

[RebeccaR]

8 minutes ago, Alfano said:

That you know of.

I assume he thought he didn’t need to be careful anymore now she knew about the wife and accepted the situation.

[BaileyB]

I agree with Rebecca. He must have assumed that there was no longer any need to hide his wife. He must have assumed that because you had agreed to be with him, you had accepted the situation. 

I am also very sorry for your pain.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, LShalcy said:

So I’m done. I am in so much pain. We had such a nice night - and then this. I’m devastated.

The "this" has been there the whole time. 

And it was there last night before she messaged him, too. It's not as though she just suddenly appeared on the scene. I am sorry you're in pain, but you needed a reality check here. Perhaps this will propel you to finally give up this awful man. 

[elaine567]

You a such a nice night because you had your fingers in your ears going  lalalala and you were living in fantasy land.
She didn't exist, everything was "normal", you were in a little happy cocoon.
BUT nothing was real and it was unsustainable.

You were being naïve and foolish, a man who was leaving his wife would have made that clear the minute you found out about his other life, but he didn't.
He wanted to maintain the status quo and you let him think it was OK.
Now you are upset, he is not fighting for you or promising you he will leave  because he has no intention of leaving his wife for you.
You are the other woman, you accept it and play nice or you walk, that is your clear choice.

(Part of me wonders if he actually set up for you to see that message so you would end it, and he wouldn't have to...managing an OW with expectations is probably a lot more difficult than managing a clueless woman who thinks she is in love.) 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, LShalcy said:

, he texted me that “fate should have bought us together sooner”. 

End it for good.

His text is barf-worthy

[Prudence V]

10 hours ago, LShalcy said:

“fate should have bought us together sooner”

Still unwilling to accept responsibility or exercise agency in his own life - unwilling to act like an adult. When we’re kids, stuff happens to us, and we don’t have much control. We become adults when we take control, and don’t just float about driven by the changing winds. He’s clearly not there yet. 
 

OP, I’m going to buck the trend and not join the chorus of “I’m sorry for your pain”. I’m sorry that you have to go through this, but I’m also pleased - pleased that it happened now, and not much later, when you’d lost your job, lost your kids, lost your agency completely. I’m pleased that that text shocked you out of the spell he’d cast over you, so that you can do something before it’s too late. I’m sorry it hurts so much - but pleased that it’s only this amount, and not the much, much worse that was on the cards if you let it fester longer. Think of it as an abscess that has now ruptured, rather than the septicaemia you would have gotten had it not. 
 

 

[Prudence V]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

a man who was leaving his wife would have made that clear the minute you found out about his other life, but he didn't.

...or, at any time over the two years before OP found out, would have left his wife so that she never had to find out. 
 

He didn’t, because he had - and has - no intention of doing so. 

[elaine567]

6 minutes ago, Prudence V said:

He didn’t, because he had - and has - no intention of doing so. 

 I guess now the OP is trying  to think up ways to force his hand, ways to win... ways to be OK with the status quo even...

[LShalcy]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I guess now the OP is trying  to think up ways to force his hand, ways to win... ways to be OK with the status quo even...

I want to say you’re wrong, but you’re not. I just don’t know how yet. 

Edited May 30, 2021 by LShalcy

[Minnie Moo]

13 hours ago, LShalcy said:

So.... We had a great night together. We watched a movie, ate, and yes, we had sex.

@LShalcyPlease tell us you exercised caution and used protection this time? 
 

im also glad his wife text whilst he was with you.  I’m also convinced he engineered it to happen so you would ‘end’ things and he doesn’t have to admit any responsibility on his part for the situation you’re in.  
 

my Ex mm didn’t tell me his wife was pregnant. He waited (5 months) for me to discover it on FB and then had the cheek to be affronted when I called him out on it.  That was the beginning of the end for our ‘relationship’ 

You need to use this wake up call (because quite frankly you’ve ignored all the others) to get angry enough to push him away for good. It’ll hurt like heck but it’ll be so worth it in the long term for you, your career, your child, your mental health, your self esteem etc etc etc  

Just hope to goodness you don’t end up pregnant by him after sex last night or you’ll be caught up in this saga forever    

 

[lana-banana]

Well, here you are. He isn't leaving his wife. Now what? What steps will you take to move forward?

[LShalcy]

10 minutes ago, Minnie Moo said:

LShalcyPlease tell us you exercised caution and used protection this time? 

No, we didn’t. 

 

5 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

Well, here you are. He isn't leaving his wife. Now what? What steps will you take to move forward?

We didn’t even talk about it but I inferred that based on his response to me the next day. If he was going to leave her, that would have been the perfect opportunity to say it.

 

I don’t know what my next steps are. I know I need to walk away, to leave for good, but I don’t think I’m there yet. 

[Minnie Moo]

3 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

No, we didn’t. 

Then I sincerely hope you aren’t pregnant.  In fact I would go so far as to say it would be worth ensuring you aren’t.  Falling pregnant by him and turning this whole situation into something even more messy and upsetting than it already is won’t serve you or your child any good whatsoever.  
If I were you I’d be obtaining emergency contraception. I’d also be seeking to be STI tested. I would get myself some counselling/therapy arranged. I would be blocking him on every single level of contact possible. I would be confiding in someone at work that you’re having a stressful time at the moment and is there any help they can offer you/EAP available? I would be making a cons list of all the reasons NOT to be in contact or in a relationship with this pathetic excuse for a man and I would be getting the heck out of there.  
Please use this as your chance to walk away with your head held up and your dignity still ‘vaguely’ intact.  Anything else is emotional suicide.   x 

[lana-banana]

6 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I don’t know what my next steps are. I know I need to walk away, to leave for good, but I don’t think I’m there yet. 

Even if you aren't "there yet", if you don't take concrete steps in that direction, you'll never move at all. You can start by getting counseling to help you process this experience and move forward.