After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[LShalcy]

6 hours ago, Crazelnut said:

You are correct -- you're doing EVERYTHING wrong. You KNOW this stuff is wrong and will only cause you more pain the long run, but you are determined to get your "fix," aren't you? You're already experiencing a taste of what's in store for you by willingly choosing to **** someone else's husband. 

Yes, “karma is a b****” & all that etc etc but I do need my “fix” of him as you say and I won’t be thinking of her. 

 

3 hours ago, S2B said:

and you agreeing to meet him again... yes, you have a choice! And YOU can choose to cancel even at the last minute!

it’s on YOUR conscience now - you are willingly involved in another marriage - and purposely choosing to help him cheat on his wife.

Yes I know I can cancel but I know me and I know I’m not going to. I need that sort of validation that I have him even for the one night. 

 

4 hours ago, PhoenixRising8 said:

Despite all the good advise you have chosen to ignore, you will do what you have set out to do.  Do not be too surprised or disappointed when it now starts to go downhill.  I may be wrong but I highly doubt it.

I have read some extremely invaluable advice, and I keep re reading and re reading certain posts  but I’ve also been furiously reading through this LS forum and it seems that a lot of the advice that people give to people in my situation is exactly the same - notwithstanding that every “relationship” is different. I haven’t seen many of these “relationships” working out and I don’t expect this to be any different.
 

And  I know I have given up any power or agency in this thing but I feel as if I do need to see him face to face since the whole “revelation”. If he tells me he won’t leave her, then I know my path forward. But i need for him to answer some questions for me such as: why was he on a dating site just one year into his marriage? And why did he aggressively persue me when he had a wife? Did he suspect that I knew? When was he going to tell me if I didn’t figure it out? Was everything he ever told me a lie? What was he endgame in all this?? Did he intent to string me along forever? 

Edited May 28, 2021 by LShalcy

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, LShalcy said:

Instead of focusing on his deception (not telling me he was married) though, I am more focused on torturing myself thinking about the time he is spending with his wife.

Such is the life of the other woman... This is unfortunately your new reality if you decide to stay with the man. 

I can believe that you plan to meet the man and I do believe that you will have sex - you have told us this is your plan all along... What I have difficulty believing is that you continue to send him explicit pictures - it’s like you truly don’t have any instinct for self preservation. I’m not saying that to be unkind, it just kind of astounds me that you would still send him pictures. 

And, I have to say, the fact that he is sending you #@$% pics says a lot. I would not find that not flattering at all... In fact, it would feel like a complete and utter insult that he could think that I would dismiss the fact that he is married because he sent me a picture of his #@$%. I’m sure, the fact that he is able to lie to you and treat you so disrespectfully but you still keep him around is very arousing to him, indeed. 

Please come back and tell us what he says... at this point, I would very much like to hear his explanation. Not that I would really believe a word he says - but I’m still interested to know how he will even try to explain this. 

Edited May 28, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

For goodness sake, if you do have sex with the man tomorrow - please use protection. Some kind of birth control is important. To become pregnant by a married man - particularly when you have two children and you are a single mother already - is not a good thing.

Edited May 28, 2021 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, LShalcy said:

But i need for him to answer some questions for me such as: why was he on a dating site just one year into his marriage? And why did he aggressively persue me when he had a wife? Did he suspect that I knew? When was he going to tell me if I didn’t figure it out? Was everything he ever told me a lie? What was he endgame in all this?? Did he intent to string me along forever? 

Do you serioulsy expect him to be honest with his answers?

This is a pretend relationship, OP. It's going to blow up and hurt you terribly. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, LShalcy said:

 I do need to see him face to face since the whole “revelation”. 

If you need face to face to get closure that's fine. Is he willing to see you?

Telling him off in person may provide the appropriate satisfaction for this level of deception.

When he gives you the lines about roommates and staying for the kids, give him a swift kick in the butt on his way out the door.

It's odd he would want to continue since tricking and fooling women is his game.

[Starswillshine]

This sounds a lot like the hysterical bonding that happens when a spouse finds out his/her spouse has been having an affair.

It is now a sort of competition to show she is better than  his wife thus he should pick her. The lovely pick me dance. Which is so humiliating. 

Yes, the fact that he is sending pictures of junk is quite telling what he thinks. He cannot believe his luck. He lied to you all this time and you are still willing to see him and give him some thrills. I am going to guess OP isn't wanting to use protection just in case this time she does get pregnant and he will leave his wife for her.... the pick me dance. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

I am going to guess OP isn't wanting to use protection just in case this time she does get pregnant and he will leave his wife for her.... the pick me dance. 

That’s my fear. To become pregnant hoping that he will decide to leave his wife and child is a poor decision.

Edited May 28, 2021 by BaileyB

[vla1120]

18 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I agree that [sending explicit photos] probably wasn’t the best idea.

Even though I live in one of the most liberal states in the Union, I find our teachers are held to a higher standard. What if his wife gets ahold of those photos you've been sending him? What if she sends them to the Board of Ed or your principal or just distributes them among your community? In my many years working here, I've seen two teachers "pushed" out of the district after they were discovered having affairs with married men. Of course, that was not the reason that was given for their departure, but I always thought it was ironic that soon after the discovery of their affairs, they either did not make tenure, or found another job in a neighboring district. By the way, both of the affairs were with married men in our district. One of the betrayed wives sent out an email to a number of staff members, revealing the affair. 

You are putting your very livelihood, and the way you support your children, in danger by knowingly carrying on with this man. I hope it doesn't come back to haunt you.

[BaileyB]

19 hours ago, LShalcy said:

Instead of focusing on his deception (not telling me he was married) though, I am more focused on torturing myself thinking about the time he is spending with his wife.

Sorry to be blunt - but if you want a dose of reality, consider the fact that after you have unprotected sex this weekend - he is likely to go home and have unprotected sex with his wife. Maybe he sent you a picture of his junk right before he initiated sex with his wife - and she took care of it? Wouldn’t that be a thrill for him? And, how does that feel for you? Still fantasizing about seeing the man?  

You have this fantasy, that he is sitting at home thinking of you and watching your videos... he is sending you pictures of his junk because he just misses you that much!! You both can’t wait to be together again... It’s just very typical affair behavior. He is enjoying the sex and you are enjoying the fantasy.

Edited May 28, 2021 by BaileyB

[Starswillshine]

9 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Sorry to be blunt - but if you want a dose of reality, consider the fact that after you have unprotected sex this weekend - he is likely to go home and have unprotected sex with his wife. Maybe he sent you a picture of his junk right before he initiated sex with his wife - and she took care of it? Wouldn’t that be a thrill for him? And, how does that feel for you? Still fantasizing about seeing the man?  

Or he had unprotected sex the morning before he meets up with her? Did he shower or do a mere wipe down? 

Maybe after he goes home, he is with his wife and now can perform for longer giving more romantic love versus the film making kind... 

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Or he had unprotected sex the morning before he meets up with her?

In anticipation of the sex he is going to have with his affair partner later today... It’s an exciting day for him. 

Edited May 28, 2021 by BaileyB

[lana-banana]

I don't think speculating about the pictures does any good (even if they do suggest poor judgment), and it feels gross and tawdry to focus on his sexual relationship with his wife. All I can say is that it's now abundantly clear how this entire situation came about. You ignored the obvious red flags, just as you're now ignoring his lying to you for two years, and you are happily partaking in your own suffering and self-sabotage, even when it could cost you everything.

Seek counseling. You still haven't answered why you haven't yet. But this is a situation that internet advice can't fix. Please speak to a professional.

Edited May 28, 2021 by lana-banana

[Bittersweetie]

12 hours ago, LShalcy said:

But i need for him to answer some questions for me such as: why was he on a dating site just one year into his marriage? And why did he aggressively persue me when he had a wife? Did he suspect that I knew? When was he going to tell me if I didn’t figure it out? Was everything he ever told me a lie? What was he endgame in all this?? Did he intent to string me along forever? 

A huge lesson I have learned in life is that there are questions you are never going to get answers for. I have questions that will never get answered for a former best girlfriend. For my own parents. For others. These questions will never get answered...and that is okay. You can move on and grow and be happy without the answers to those questions...in fact, it's easier and healthier to let the questions go rather than hold on to them. I learned this from experience...you can find closure yourself. You don't need someone else to do it for you. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, lana-banana said:

it feels gross and tawdry to focus on his sexual relationship with his wife.

It does, absolutely. 

But, she is planning to reunite with the man this weekend as if he does not have a wife at home caring for his child. She is anticipating the reconnection and the sex with pleasure - which would be fine if he didn’t have a wife at home that she wanted to ignore because it’s not convenient. Not withstanding, as you say, the fact that he lied to her for two years. 

I mean, women do it all the time... they convince themselves that the wife doesn’t exist (which OP has said previously she would like to do, she can not even consider her pain), or they convince themselves that they are entitled to the man because the wife is obviously deficient in some way (she is controlling, she doesn’t love him enough, there is no sex, she is always working or focused on the children, he was pressured into marriage, etc...). 

[LShalcy]

6 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

Yes, the fact that he is sending pictures of junk is quite telling what he thinks.

I didn’t mean to say that those are the only pictures he is sending me, it’s just one the few, that has not been the only thing we have talked about. 

 

31 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

She is anticipating the reconnection and the sex with pleasure - which would be fine if he didn’t have a wife at home that she wanted to ignore because it’s not convenient. Not withstanding, as you say, the fact that he lied to her for two years. 

Yes I am looking forward to connecting with him and having sex with him (yes, I know that it will happpen) but you can be sure I am going to be addressing of all this - his lies, what was his motivations etc. my eyes are not closed, despite what some of you may think. I am fully aware of what is happening and whether it is a mistake or not is the question. 

 

3 hours ago, vla1120 said:

What if his wife gets ahold of those photos you've been sending him? What if she sends them to the Board of Ed or your principal or just distributes them among your community

I don’t see how she would ever get the pictures etc so I’m not concerned about this.

[lana-banana]

42 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

but you can be sure I am going to be addressing of all this - his lies, what was his motivations etc.

Why do you believe you can trust anything he tells you? The only things you know for sure is that you have poor judgment and this guy is comfortable just outright lying to you. He's just going to tell you exactly what you want to hear and you'll eat it up.

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

Why do you believe you can trust anything he tells you? The only things you know for sure is that you have poor judgment and this guy is comfortable just outright lying to you. He's just going to tell you exactly what you want to hear and you'll eat it up.

And then, they will have sex - probably unprotected. 

I don’t mean this to sound as harsh as it may sound but how can you have sex with a man who has purposefully mislead you and used you in this way for his own selfish purpose? After the hurt that he has caused you, how is it possible that you want to be intimate with him? 

Edited May 28, 2021 by BaileyB

[Starswillshine]

What does this man give you? What is it with this man that you are devaluing yourself and disrespecting yourself?

I get that you are hurting and you are trying to "win" him even though you only recently learned you were in a competition. I see absolutely no upside. The only thing you have mentioned in this about your relationship seems only sexual. Is that how you base love? Someone's desire to sex you? 

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

What does this man give you?

I also wonder this. She has also mentioned the fact that they were in constant conversation, so I imagine there is a feeling of companionship and support (ie. you are not alone) that is appealing when you are a single parent and as per what she has said, she doesn’t have many close friends or family nearby. Unfortunately, the loneliness and lack of social support makes her vulnerable to a man who comes along with not the best of intentions... the other thing that I think he gives her is the idea of a future together... it’s hard to let that go. 

But, in terms of a legit relationship with a good man - he has nothing to offer at all. I don’t think she can accept that yet. 

[mark clemson]

I would think that the pics thing is a substantial issue and a risk you simply don't need to take here. I would have him delete those in front of you and also don't send him any more. You could always send a pic with clothing on that wouldn't get you fired.

I'm not sure the lurid imaginings here are "constructive". I do think you should be asking yourself why you're ready to accept this (if you aren't already). Considering a therapist might not be a bad idea. Some people unconsciously try to "fix" issues left over from their family of origin in their relationships. Not sure that's you, but it's something a genuinely skilled therapist could help you explore.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I don’t see how she would ever get the pictures etc so I’m not concerned about this.

Seriously?

All she has to do is go through his phone on a day when he happened to forget to delete them. 

You need to take your head out of the sand. 

[Prudence V]

16 hours ago, LShalcy said:

If he tells me he won’t leave her, then I know my path forward.

He’ll tell you whatever he thinks will keep him in your bed. 
 

16 hours ago, LShalcy said:

But i need for him to answer some questions for me such as: why was he on a dating site just one year into his marriage?

Because he wanted to be a carefree teenager again.

16 hours ago, LShalcy said:

And why did he aggressively persue me when he had a wife?

He wasn’t looking for another wife. He was looking for someone to engage in teenage dating antics with. 

[Prudence V]

16 hours ago, LShalcy said:

Did he suspect that I knew?

He suspected (correctly) that it didn’t matter to you. 
 

 

16 hours ago, LShalcy said:

When was he going to tell me if I didn’t figure it out?

Probably never. why would he? It was working for him. 
 

 

16 hours ago, LShalcy said:

Was everything he ever told me a lie?

Perhaps not a lie, but a strategy which worked. 
 

 

16 hours ago, LShalcy said:

What was he endgame in all this?? Did he intent to string me along forever? 

Until he got bored with you. Or you started wanting more. Or someone even easier came along. Who knows? I doubt he planned too far ahead - adolescents aren’t known for that. 
 

[Prudence V]

3 hours ago, LShalcy said:

don’t see how she would ever get the pictures etc so I’m not concerned about this.

I do hope you’re not naive enough to believe this...?

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, Prudence V said:

I do hope you’re not naive enough to believe this...?

Maybe she wants her to see the pictures. “Accidental” discovery may be helpful if your goal was to live happily ever after with your affair partner. 

Perhaps she is just naive enough to believe that she wouldn’t share the pictures with her employer.