Starswillshine Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 You keep "ending" it in hopes that this will make him want to run to you and finally leave his wife. Except it doesn't have the immediate response, so you tuck tail and run right back to him. Lowering your standards along the way. You want him, that is clear. Your ONLY chance at getting him is to walk away. Completely. Tell him when he gets the balls to leave his wife, he can contact you, otherwise silence. Period. 3 1
HadMeOverABarrel Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 3 minutes ago, BaileyB said: You decide to love yourself more than you love him. Also stop seeking approval/validation from him/others. Validate yourself instead. The love you give him--give it to yourself instead. When your mind wanders to him, refocus it on yourself--something you enjoy, your goals, your achievements, your life, your other relationships,your responsibilities.
LynneVicious Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 Op, I think you mentioned you have child(ren)? Why do you need him or ANY other man at this point? Seriously. You are honestly in no condition to be dating at all right now... married or otherwise. After a terrible marriage that ended 6 years ago and a failed relationship after that, I have been truly single. And I love it. I have fully 100% devoted my time to my children. This is time you cannot get back op. You’ll never get a re-do. And it sounds as though you’re already living regrets. Its a cop out to say you’re not strong enough to block him. Its as simple as hitting a few buttons on your phone and ignoring him at work. The truth is you don’t want to. It will be hard at first and each day slowly or will get easier until you wake up one day and then go to bed without thinking about him at all. In the meantime, devote your time to your children, who are worthy of your love and who probably desperately need it and learn to practice selflessness. good luck! 3
BaileyB Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 (edited) 11 minutes ago, BaileyB said: You decide to love yourself more than you love him. Right now, you think that you can love yourself AND love him. But, you can’t. It’s not very loving to yourself to settle for second best. It’s not very loving to yourself to offer yourself for sex to a man who says he loves you, but does not chose to be with you. It’s not very loving to chose to stay in a relationship that makes you so desperate to hold on, because you feel like you can’t let go. It’s not loving to yourself to hold onto a relationship that makes you so anxious, you need to take medication to cope. Do you see what I’m saying. Choosing to love yourself is letting all of this go. It’s scary, and you will need the support of the counsellor. But imagine how strong you will become if you can let go and learn to stand on your own. Edited May 3, 2021 by BaileyB 3
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 3, 2021 Author Posted May 3, 2021 12 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said: You sound like someone who knows she needs to get out but is having a difficult time committing to it. There's a part of you that still believes this could work it the way you want it to. Once that part dies, the choice to commit to getting out will be easy. That’s spot on 1
Acacia98 Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 3 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: Thoughts? You're setting yourself up for failure. The only way to end things with him is to literally end things with him: a clean break. Also, if you're serious about finding someone else, you need to ask yourself a bunch of questions: For instance, how fair would it be to this hypothetical future boyfriend of yours to come into your life tomorrow and find that you have up until last week or whenever been having sex with your married man? You're supposed to deal with all your issues now so that, in future, if the right person comes along, there will actually be room for him in your life. Otherwise, there'll be no difference between the way your MM has been stringing you along and the way you'll string your hypothetical future boyfriend along. 1 1
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 3, 2021 Author Posted May 3, 2021 1 hour ago, Acacia98 said: You're setting yourself up for failure. The only way to end things with him is to literally end things with him: a clean break. Also, if you're serious about finding someone else, you need to ask yourself a bunch of questions: For instance, how fair would it be to this hypothetical future boyfriend of yours to come into your life tomorrow and find that you have up until last week or whenever been having sex with your married man? You're supposed to deal with all your issues now so that, in future, if the right person comes along, there will actually be room for him in your life. Otherwise, there'll be no difference between the way your MM has been stringing you along and the way you'll string your hypothetical future boyfriend along. This is so true. I feel as if I’m so needy and need him there till I replace him
BaileyB Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 (edited) 7 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: This is so true. I feel as if I’m so needy and need him there till I replace him Lots of people do this. It’s not a healthy way to be though. The fact that you feel this way is a clear sign that you are not in a good place right now. Reread LynneVicious’ post. You don’t want to be single, but it is probably the single best thing you could do for yourself and your children. Correction - not probably. It is the single best thing you could do for yourself and your children. Edited May 3, 2021 by BaileyB 2
Stupidkupid Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: Did you do this too? I did the "trying to draw away slowly" crock. It worked for about as long as we were apart. Next time we were together all thoughts of my slow exit were gone. I even thought by dating I would meet someone and that would mean I left him behind. What happened in reality was I met lovely men who I genuinely liked but was constantly thinking about MM. I was cruel to those men, one or two of which genuinely liked me and were blindsided when I ended things with them before any proper intimacy and I was cruel to myself. Because it was that kind of man i deserved but wouldn't allow myself to be with. Nothing changed until I cut him off completely and started therapy. Edited May 3, 2021 by Stupidkupid 5
mark clemson Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 JMO, but I find the thinking that this MM wants primarily sex and is somehow manipulating Scotgirl into providing it to be distorted and based on general assumptions about how men operate, rather than thinking of them as unique individuals. They've only had sex 3 time in a year, and at her instigation at that. She says no "love", only sex, and he's taken aback. Even manipulators slip up and "show their hand" once in a while. This is not him manipulating her. He's be a lot more interested in sex if he was + he could probably find more convenient and regular "sources" for that. (Possibly his wife.) She is the one suggesting the sex. IMO what this guy wants primarily is the emotional attention that he apparently doesn't get from his wife. Sex is secondary for him. That doesn't mean he won't "accept it" perhaps, but it's not why he's in this. Recognizing this at some level may be part of why you offered sex as a backing off/weaning practice, Scotgirl. As expected he's not overly thrilled with the idea of an "emotional withdrawal". I DO agree with many others above that this approach is not likely to have the effect you probably want. 1
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 3, 2021 Author Posted May 3, 2021 4 hours ago, LynneVicious said: Op, I think you mentioned you have child(ren)? Why do you need him or ANY other man at this point? Seriously. You are honestly in no condition to be dating at all right now... married or otherwise. After a terrible marriage that ended 6 years ago and a failed relationship after that, I have been truly single. And I love it. I have fully 100% devoted my time to my children. This is time you cannot get back op. You’ll never get a re-do. And it sounds as though you’re already living regrets. Its a cop out to say you’re not strong enough to block him. Its as simple as hitting a few buttons on your phone and ignoring him at work. The truth is you don’t want to. It will be hard at first and each day slowly or will get easier until you wake up one day and then go to bed without thinking about him at all. In the meantime, devote your time to your children, who are worthy of your love and who probably desperately need it and learn to practice selflessness. good luck! Thank you for your advice I know I have been throwing myself into time with my children and doing enjoyable things with them also
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 3, 2021 Author Posted May 3, 2021 55 minutes ago, mark clemson said: JMO, but I find the thinking that this MM wants primarily sex and is somehow manipulating Scotgirl into providing it to be distorted and based on general assumptions about how men operate, rather than thinking of them as unique individuals. They've only had sex 3 time in a year, and at her instigation at that. She says no "love", only sex, and he's taken aback. Even manipulators slip up and "show their hand" once in a while. This is not him manipulating her. He's be a lot more interested in sex if he was + he could probably find more convenient and regular "sources" for that. (Possibly his wife.) She is the one suggesting the sex. IMO what this guy wants primarily is the emotional attention that he apparently doesn't get from his wife. Sex is secondary for him. That doesn't mean he won't "accept it" perhaps, but it's not why he's in this. Recognizing this at some level may be part of why you offered sex as a backing off/weaning practice, Scotgirl. As expected he's not overly thrilled with the idea of an "emotional withdrawal". I DO agree with many others above that this approach is not likely to have the effect you probably want. You are so right he wants the emotional connection more. He says he wants to be wanted and I make him feel wanted. Sex is never a big concern to him he said he is desperate to have sex in a bed with me when places open up but he doesn’t want to just do it in cars etc as I mean more and he wants to make me feel special spend his time on me. We’ve played about in the car but it’s generally me that starts it he’s happy to drive cuddle kiss and watch the sunset 1
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 3, 2021 Author Posted May 3, 2021 Just now, Scotgirl84 said: You are so right he wants the emotional connection more. He says he wants to be wanted and I make him feel wanted. Sex is never a big concern to him he said he is desperate to have sex in a bed with me when places open up but he doesn’t want to just do it in cars etc as I mean more and he wants to make me feel special spend his time on me. We’ve played about in the car but it’s generally me that starts it he’s happy to drive cuddle kiss and watch the sunset What do you think would have the best response? Blocking him would destroy him I think and I am not strong enough to completely cut him off.
BaileyB Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 59 minutes ago, mark clemson said: IMO what this guy wants primarily is the emotional attention that he apparently doesn't get from his wife. Sex is secondary for him. That doesn't mean he won't "accept it" perhaps, but it's not why he's in this. Recognizing this at some level may be part of why you offered sex as a backing off/weaning practice, Scotgirl. As expected he's not overly thrilled with the idea of an "emotional withdrawal". I couldn’t agree more. I have to wonder if this was her way of trying to “punish him” - she is taking away that which he seems to want most and making him settle for something else. And of course, he wasn’t thrilled because sex doesn’t seem to be his currency in this relationship... the emotional support and adoration is what he seems to value more. 2
BaileyB Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 (edited) 6 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: Blocking him would destroy him I think Again, he will get over it. He can turn to his wife - or find himself another woman. Or play golf with his buddies. I don’t mean to make assumptions or minimize your feelings, but I think you assume that you mean the same to him as he means to you. That’s not necessarily true. He is a big boy, he has been through this before... he had to know that this day would come. You’ve given him all kinds of notice that you are unhappy this week. He will deal with it. Edited May 3, 2021 by BaileyB
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 3, 2021 Author Posted May 3, 2021 10 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I couldn’t agree more. I have to wonder if this was her way of trying to “punish him” - she is taking away that which he seems to want most and making him settle for something else. And of course, he wasn’t thrilled because sex doesn’t seem to be his currency in this relationship... the emotional support and adoration is what he seems to value more. I was trying to punish him slightly to say he can’t commit so I’m no falling more in love I’m pulling back and making it casual
ExpatInItaly Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 8 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: Sex is never a big concern to him Maybe his equipment doesn't work as well as it used to. OP, this guy is a scumbag. You're not his first OW. He's gross, plain and simple. His homelife sucks - gee, wonder why? He's out diddling other women. How exactly is his wife supposed to feel? I would imagine there has been more infidelity than what he's told you. What damage do you suppose he has inflicted on their marriage? He's a terrible husband, you know that for sure. He's a liar. He's disloyal. So even if you wound up with him, you would be winning...nothing. He's a man most women would toss in the NAY pile without a second thought, and for good reason. Your desire for love and attention is leading you to make some very poor choices. Would this guy be on your radar at all if he weren't interested in you? 2
ExpatInItaly Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 1 minute ago, Scotgirl84 said: I was trying to punish him slightly to say he can’t commit so I’m no falling more in love I’m pulling back and making it casual I promise you he sees right through this. Your plan is completely transparent, Scot. 1
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 3, 2021 Author Posted May 3, 2021 13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Maybe his equipment doesn't work as well as it used to. OP, this guy is a scumbag. You're not his first OW. He's gross, plain and simple. His homelife sucks - gee, wonder why? He's out diddling other women. How exactly is his wife supposed to feel? I would imagine there has been more infidelity than what he's told you. What damage do you suppose he has inflicted on their marriage? He's a terrible husband, you know that for sure. He's a liar. He's disloyal. So even if you wound up with him, you would be winning...nothing. He's a man most women would toss in the NAY pile without a second thought, and for good reason. Your desire for love and attention is leading you to make some very poor choices. Would this guy be on your radar at all if he weren't interested in you? Yeah without being vulgar he seems to have some impotency problems I think he always seems kinda nervous a bit as if he is worried about pleasing me
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 3, 2021 Author Posted May 3, 2021 14 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I promise you he sees right through this. Your plan is completely transparent, Scot. So why does he accept it then? If it’s not serving him a purpose he wants emotional connection more than the sex?
Snakesalive Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 36 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: You are so right he wants the emotional connection more @Scotgirl84can I ask what’s the age difference between you? 1
elaine567 Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 (edited) 7 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: Update I have met him spoke to him and I told him I’m moving on but we can still be friends see each other when I’m free and when I get serious with someone then we can call it a day. I said I’m no hanging about anymore waiting. I’ve cried my last tear. I said let’s just be casual. He didn’t seem pleased said we are more than casual but had to agree to it. I said I’m pulling back my feelings and taking a new view on it. He was kinda lost for words he said so we won’t still see each other the way we did? I said no we can’t but we can catch up now and again I said but I’d prefer it was for sex rather than emotional stuff like chat hugs n kisses. I said might as well get something out it. He said I didn’t want us just to be about sex. I said well that’s all you can offer I’m afraid so I’ll find someone who can give me whole package and when I do I’ll let you know I’m moving on. He seemed so shocked and kinda taken aback cos I’ve said I’m basically using him until I find someone else. But he said he loves me so much and wants to see me as much as I can give. Ok so he agrees to this but he starts to withdraw, he doesn't take you up on your offer of casual sex... He spends his time with another woman, he walks his dog with another woman... How do you deal with that? Edited May 3, 2021 by elaine567
BaileyB Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 28 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I promise you he sees right through this. Your plan is completely transparent, Scot. Yes, and you are waiting for him to do something that can and SHOULD be in your complete control. This should be your decision, not his.
BaileyB Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 29 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Maybe his equipment doesn't work as well as it used to. I also wondered this, particularly because he is older.
BaileyB Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 (edited) 20 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: So why does he accept it then? If it’s not serving him a purpose he wants emotional connection more than the sex? He’s playing games just like you! He is likely waiting for you to cave. He knows you will give in - how does he know that? Because you previously told him that it was over and then you called him up - you are back in! Your word is meaningless, you have showed him that you don’t mean what you say. Edited May 3, 2021 by BaileyB
Recommended Posts