Moving forward

[emotionallybroken9]

Hello all. Been a while. I appreciated the updates of others that came years later in their posts. It helped me, and I guess I’m gonna hopefully help someone else. 
 

im not sure where I left off last. you can click my profile and find my threads. I’ll do a quick sum up and where I am now. 
 

2010. so... two young people (me 24 and stbex 27) get into a love relationship. Both not mature and stable enough. Deception was evident from the beginning, but alas, we don’t tend to think about the bad stuff until time passes and we grow. 
 

2014. have a kid, try to make it work. Relationship is distant because, well, two idiots having a kid before their relationship was stable... over stressed and overworked. 
 

2016 move to canada to start new life together. I use marijuana to mask my depression (unbeknownst to me). She leaves to the USA with kiddo while I get new home ready. 
 

2017 I get an apartment and work a lot. Relationship is still very, very distant. Thought she was depressed because new country, no friends, no job, no status. I keep working on myself but pointless when I’m using weed to mask all distance between me And her. She smokes as well, but only at night. 
 

2018 I help her with her education. I’m happy. We have a new car, she has a career plan, making friends, I was happy  

mid 2018. I thought she was having an affair with her schoolmate, but I never asked because I was ignoring all the signs (or trying to with weed). The weed also made me forget that I was scared to ask. I avoided it like a sharp blade hanging over my chest.

 

2018-219. I intercept a text between her and some random name I don’t know. I ask her who it was. Turns out her ex from 2005. I’m crushed. I go through what every BS goes through. Questions. Questions. Questions. Trying to make sense of my reality. Her emotional affair was about 10 months, followed by trickle truths.

she trickle truths me for 3+ more months. All I can say is... I can’t believe that I trusted her every time. This comes into play later. she goes to USA to stay with family for summer to give me time to heal. I quit weed that very day. No more need for a mask.
 

I join loveshack to post about my life. I shared the threads with her because I wanted to be completely open. She reads them and takes it that it’s over. She ends it with me through FaceTime. I’m shattered. 

She returns to my home because she still has to make money to move out. But it’s over. Of course I still had hope. Alas... I didn’t know she had started dating almost immediately. 
 

Eventually I date someone. Been having personal therapy for months. But the ex is here, and I love her. I end up breaking up with the girl I’m dating to see how this goes. 
 

almost two years pass, but it’s just not the same. We have sex and talk more, but it’s not the same. Eventually we take mushrooms together and I end up relapsing on weed for 6 months or so. Stopped therapy. Masking the pain that this marriage is actually over. Helped her find permanent work because... well, love I guess. we’re not together, but I can’t hate her for wanting out. Just wish it wasn’t this way, because now it’s too painful to be friends. Maybe in time, but who knows. 
 

she plans to move out on March 1st 2021. Feb 28, I look through her phone to hopefully not find anything. I find texts between her and old friends. She told them about me and her dates. Information I didn’t know. Information that sent me back to 2018. I really really wish I didn’t learn her ex’s name or read the hate she had for me. Especially on the night before she moves out.
 

she moved out March 2nd or 3rd. Can’t remember. I’m single dad now with daughter living with me. Lost job because of Covid. She took the vehicle. Country goes to lockdown and I have to be home 24/7 to support kiddo through her online learning. Kid is 6
 

Apr 7. STBEX takes kiddo to stay with her as she had to be in lockdown for the next 4 weeks. Haven’t touched drugs since Apr 7. Trying to... heal? Learn what life is about? 
 

with every day, my memories return, and so do the things I had masked. The marriage was one of them, but the pain goes back to my early teen years. 

I’m learning a lot about myself. I know that I’ll always believe what she says. I’m gullible. But that belief will also be accompanied with a knife in my heart. Anything is possible now. Anyone can lie. I’m trying to learn to trust humans again without that stabby feeling in my heart. If you’re a BS, I think you know what feeling I’m talking about. 

started phone counselling last week. First session was me unloading what i had written in this thread. Next session is may 5.

It’s April 27. today, her affair partner’s name popped up in my head. It’s a sign my mind is healing from the weed. I looked him up on Facebook. I think I found him but I wouldn’t know nor do I want to confirm it. Really wish I didn’t know his name. Maybe time will help me forget it completely, like I forget elementary school friends names, heh. 

my heart got that stabby feeling. I couldn’t ground myself. Tried to relate to others on here by scrolling through threads. Didn’t work. 
 

so... here I am, updating the world and trying to ground myself out of that wave of pain. Seems to have worked, but still sad. 
 

it’s a sad feeling to lose an 11 year constant from my life. She was my friend first, and now I can’t even last 15 minutes around her before my heart gets the stabby feeling. I try, but it’s just so hard. We’re separated and will probably get divorced after pandemic is over and she can go apply for a divorce.

 

she showed true remorse, and as far as I know, she’s been honest about everything. We’re on friendly terms. We don’t text about anything other than kiddo/finances. I texted her today that she may need to keep kiddo for tomorrow or next day, as the memory of the name really shook me to the core. 
 

some love would be nice... I don’t feel like connecting to anyone around me. I don’t think people who haven’t been betrayed can get how lonely I feel right now, even though I have a super close small circle of friends that have been there for my breakdowns. I’ll be okay in an hour. I know it. But damn, that hour seems so far away lol. 
 

If you’ve followed my life so far, thank you for reading my thoughts. And thanks to this site for being here for us. I know it’s not “live,” but it feels like I’m talking to you, and I appreciate you letting me tell you my whole story uninterrupted. 

I’ll keep updating as time continues. 
 

oh, a big positive is I’ve cut out all bad relationships, habits, and distracting nonsense in my life. I’m slowly becoming a more complete person. I wouldn’t ever want to forget what happened. Painful as hell, but I’ll be damned if I can go back in time and change this. I like how the future is looking, pain and all  

 

all that’s written above is from this 35 year old man now. We’re all broken. There’s no reason to hate. Had I been asked about life before all of this.. well, I don’t think I’d have responded like this. 
 

heh... I wonder what my post will be when I’m 40 years old. Hey future me, how are you? I hope you didn’t fall back into old ways. 100% or 100% lies is the way to be. There is no middle. It doesn’t work. Fyi, being 100% honest is really nice. Right now I’m 100% honest with people, even when it’s painful to them. But unlike past me, I’m Able to navigate through those hard truths with people because it’s what I would and want to people to do with me~
 

being able to sleep knowing I have zero lies is... my god... it’s so liberating! 
 

love u all. Hope your journies are going well! ❤️

Edited April 27, 2021 by emotionallybroken9
More info

[Alfano]

Your story can indeed help others.

Shows you how not worth it getting back together can be.

At least two years of your life wasted, you'd be in such a better place now if you hadn't gotten back with her against your better judgment.

Live and learn.

 

[emotionallybroken9]

9 minutes ago, Alfano said:

Your story can indeed help others.

Shows you how not worth it getting back together can be.

At least two years of your life wasted, you'd be in such a better place now if you hadn't gotten back with her against your better judgment.

Live and learn.

 

Really? I don’t consider any of last 11 years wasted. What’s a better place? I didn’t know there was a definition out there

[Alfano]

I interpreted your post "things just aren't the same" as meaning the last 2 years weren't all that good.

Which means, to me at least, that the time could have been spent moving on with your life and meeting someone new, which could be a "better place" than you're in now.

Places don't have to be geographical. Sort of like in the Marvel Movie I just watched. It was about Thor's home world "Asgard". We learn that Asgard isn't a place, it's a people.

 

 

[emotionallybroken9]

Yeah. Makes sense  Nah, I got lucky. She’s a good person, just chose a really painful way to get out. I chose weed, she chose an affair. I know that a lot of BS’s out there aren’t so fortunate and have WS that are still so far from helping their BS heal. 
 

if it wasn’t for her and this affair, im Not sure I would’ve gotten to Asgard by the age of 35. Would probably still be running away from my problems prior to the marriage. 
 

I’m glad she’s on her own journey to her version of happiness. As for me, I’m taking it one day and post at a time. Still learning. 
 

but those waves... they sure do get ya from time to time >.<