Not so Mr Perfect?

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, beentheredonethat77 said:

He has always been someone to run late/ run over with meetings

6 hours ago, beentheredonethat77 said:

hes been a crap texter since the day one

He's been this way since the beginning.

38 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Im going to stay vigilant -- my heart is on guard for now. 

I believe we often set these gaps aside because we believe they will be different or improve in the future.

Clearly, that did not occur in this situation. In reality, things worsened.

[FMW]

Maybe he's just the type that focuses on work intently, or maybe he's seeing other women.  It really doesn't matter why he does what he does.  What matters is that what he's doing is making you unhappy and suspicious. It's not worth it.  

[lana-banana]

I have been on both sides of this situation (working a high-risk job that involved surprise warzone travel AND being in a relationship with someone doing the same). There is no reason whatsoever that he can't give you basic information (e.g. "I'm out of pocket for the next 72 hours, talk to you then") or communicate expectations about his ability to be in touch. He's just choosing not to, and it's BS. There are a million ways he could show you he was dedicated and thinking of you if he wanted to; my now-husband once had his office mates bombard me with phone calls when he had to disappear for a bit. 

Yes, there are some guys whose philosophy is "wheels up, rings off", but who knows whether that's the case here. The point is he doesn't have to approach the situation this way. This is his choice and it's pretty disrespectful. Only you can decide whether you're going to put up with it any more.

[MsJayne]

You're being treated with disregard. Busy people are on their 'phones all the time, so it's not like he didn't see your texts, but he did choose not to answer, not even a quick, "Call you later. Can't right now X".  Using work as an excuse for being rude is self-importance in action, and being rude to you is him taking you for granted. I would ignore all of his communications until he acknowledges his rudeness and apologises, but you might be waiting forever. 

[beentheredonethat77]

5 hours ago, Pumpernickel said:

What are the other 1% of LinkedIn likes about? Not business related? 
Doesn’t matter. That’s not the point. The point is that he has Internet connection and everything’s working just fine and he’s playing around on LinkedIn but not replying to your messages. That’s what it’s about.

Exactly -- it all comes down to that for me.  The 1% -- the post he liked that wasn't business related was a piece of art work done by someone in his industry (who just happened to be a much younger beautiful woman).  Yep --- red flag... big neon lights flashing, waving in the wind red flag.   This was the one thing that keeps me unsettled.  

 

If he is a crap texter/runs late --- its not a deal breaker for me as ive been around long enough to know that no guy comes without flaws ... (whether it be sexual issues / difficult family / mental illness... etc -- there is always something that isn't great ) -BUT... if hes disrespecting me to just hit on other women... im done.   So when i say im guarding my heart -- its to determine which of the two he falls into .. the former, inconsiderate/poor texter who i can work with as im far from perfect myself ---- or the latter.. the unfaithful jerk, who shall be kicked to curb upon confirmation.

 

 

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

Based on what you have said, I think he clearly is disrespecting you. Whether he is hitting in the beautiful artist or not is immaterial in my mind. I agree with the others who noted how simple it is to just set the right expectations and reply to say sorry I missed your call (or late response to the text you sent this morning or whatever). Definitely stay vigilant but I’ve learned enough and been through enough to know it would not work for me to date someone who ignored my feelings or distress.

Ultimately trust is key. Sadly even if he was texting a lot that is no guarantee of loyalty! My ex husband always communicated and checked in while on trips multiple times a day. Often we chatted on the phone but not always daily, esp. if he was overseas. He was a good liar I learned later as he was hooking up with people. The person who said “wheels up, rings off” hit a chord. Anyway, I wish you luck and to do what is best for you.

I certainly would not reply to his little “miss you” crumb. 

[glows]

He doesn't treat you the way you wish to be treated despite him knowing how you feel. 

Yes, it's time to close the door on this. I don't think it will get better. People show you what they are and it's best to believe it.

[Fletch Lives]

He's married to his job. It's hard to juggle a 2nd girl.

[Pumpernickel]

4 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

He's married to his job. It's hard to juggle a 2nd girl.

I don't think OP necessarily has an issue with somebody being married to their job. She seems very driven herself, and that's a good thing.

Personally, I love people who have good work ethics, and if their job takes priority, I am the last one to feel neglected. I'd rather be supportive. What I cannot accept is lies and deception, though, and OP's BF seems to think he can get away with it. I would want to find out what's really going on, and I would be very tempted to do some research there. 

 

[IrinaM]

i'm thinking of the show "who the bleep did i marry"
i think this guy is living a double life, likely NOT a "successful businessman" probably just a run-of-the-mill con artist.

[prince0fgame]

On 4/22/2021 at 9:39 AM, beentheredonethat77 said:

Hi everyone, 

I am looking to glean some wisdom from the many experienced daters on here.   Ive had a lot of experience myself but this one has me stumped. 

Ive been dating/ in a relationship with a man for just under a year.   We are both in our mid 40's.    It moved quicker than i would have liked in terms of feelings on both side, him first and me following.   We both agreed that we cant believe how lucky we are to have found the other person at this point of our lives.  His brother even expressed that hes never seen him this happy. 

Now this next point, i only mention this due to its potential relevance  of the bigger picture and it may alter your view on this;  he is extremely busy with multiple companies he owns; over a thousand people rely on him for their jobs.  He flies to Europe/ US and asia constantly and a lot for business and has asked me to join him whenever i can.  So far ive been unable as UP until recently ive been busy with my own business ventures.   We seem to both be very secure mentally and financially; so with this relationship its a case of not needing eachother but genuinely loving and enjoying eachother.

In all my years of dating, relationships and marriage, i have never been so attracted, physically/sexually and intellectually stimulated.   Basically, he is a bit of a unicorn to me... or so i thought. 

2 things:

1. He has always been someone to run late/ run over with meetings but in the past few months this has been happening at a higher rate... last date he was over 1 hour late to meet me and didn't text me to tell me... as he said 'he couldn't use his phone, it was a stressful meeting tying up a crucial deal.  Fine -- understand.  

After the last time -- i told him kindly, calmly and firmly that it hurt my feelings that he was late -- not because i cant fill in one hour .. but it told me he didn't respect my time; i let him know that my time is as important as his, regardless of what he is doing -- that he can go to the restroom and text me if need be.    He conceded and apologized and said while he cant control meetings running over he knows he should have more courtesy with letting me know.   (As a side note, he left me waiting both times at my residence, so not at a public place etc.   STill... i ran like a crazy person to be ready for him, re-arranged other plans etc .. and then waited.... 

2.   Now THIS is the real issue for me.   On his business trips he is *terrible* at keeping in communication.  He hates texts at the best of times.. hes been a crap texter since the day one.. but when hes away hes worse.   This last trip was on the heels of him being late to see me .. and he was going to a fairly dangerous country.   He fell off the grid for 3 days.  This triggered me to make the cringeworhty mistake of blowing up his phone with "this isn't working for me" .. to "are you ok?" .. "im seriously worried" -- (but some of it was long-annoying  blocks of text .... yep.    He didn't respond.   This infuriated me.   I tried calling his phone -- just once.. .. NO answer.   I feel at the very least he could have fore-warned me he'd be out of contact for a while, i'd have been fine with that.. but no warning and just nothing. 

Eventually he responded (assumably because he saw my missed call and replied with a with a semi-cold (very different to his usual warmth "i cannot talk.  NO ghosting. No ignoring you -- i am working, i am busy. .. i am in a warzone checking out sites.. i have terrible IT and will call you when i can".  ( -- i know where he is and have seen video footage hes sent from there-(its a dangerous location but he goes back to hotel at night.. hes not in some bunker) -- AND..i see him liking some posts, including one non-business related post on linkedin --- one was an attractive female (who is in his field.. so maybe coincidence).   And...  He didn't call .. i didn't message him again. 

2 days later.. 

So here i am .. with what has been this lovely man (aside from the lateness those times, he hasn't faltered in his impeccable manners and kindness.  and another 2 days go by with no phone call.    After conferencing with my girlfriends we all decide it needs to be over.  If he isn't already ending it by his bizarre pulling away .. (it takes two seconds to send me a text, and i know he has wifi since he liked some posts on linkedin.  

Today i received a VERY sweet.. " i miss you so much.. " -- type text.    

 

I have not responded.. and dont plan to yet.    Im hurt by this treatment while he was away on business..i feel like he has devalued me (hes jokingly accused me in the past of being 'too nice' and accomodating with people) -- perhaps im just taken for granted here.   

 

Please give your thoughts. 

   

This kind of reminds me when I was in the military. I met this perfect woman. We were both wildly attracted to each other. She was always calling me. But I'd always be busy. And when I wasn't, I was so stressed by military life that I didn't have the energy to call her back. I would kind of "yo-yo" her back and forth. But it was genuine. My life purpose was beyond....dare I say it....petty romance. A man is about his purpose. And it is what draws you to him in the first place. Ironically, it is only when a man achieves this great purpose that a beautiful woman would show up. That's just the way nature/the universe set it up.

Great man with great purpose = attracts beautiful woman. 

But it does not mean the equation always works out. It's just an equation for ATTRACTION.

What comes after attraction is compatibility. Me and her were not compatible. I was destined to go to a different duty station. She was heart broken I couldn't attend thanksgiving with her and her family. She thought for sure I was the one. I checked all the boxes. Except availability/compatibility/attainability, basically NOTHING to do with attraction whatsoever. 

It is a cruel twist of fate. Where you spend your whole life searching for the one person you are perfectly attracted to...only to find out you might not be compatible. 

Or perhaps we are wrong, and the universe has its own algorithm. Maybe we were meant to be attracted to many people, and the need for relationship compatibility is just a man made invention?

Edited April 24, 2021 by prince0fgame

[Datergirl]

You said one of his stong points is impeccable manners. He doesn't have impeccable manners, as if he is able to like people's pictures on social media he is able to call and/or text...especially as he's in a dangerous country.

Also not understanding your concerns about lack of communication doesn't bode well for the future. What other relationship concerns will he dismiss? 

[Maldives]

Is he stressed? Sounds like he's maybe stressed out 

[Pumpernickel]

Keep us posted, @beentheredonethat77

[beentheredonethat77]

22 hours ago, Pumpernickel said:

Keep us posted, @beentheredonethat77

An Update:)  

So since his last 'i miss you so much' etc messages, i had not responded.   He began messaging more and more, i responded to these with short responses. 

I never once indicated i thought there was another woman, the only insight he would have as to why i'd be upset would be in my original comments saying "you giving me radio silence for days.. is not working for me etc.   "im so worried.. please send me a message / emoji that you are ok" -- etc.

So i found it interesting that among his latest loving messages he made a point of saying (almost randomly) you are the one and only woman in my life.   Whether he thought i must have been suspicious he was cheating or had a guilty conscious, im not sure.    I didn't address that comment at all, i just stayed cordial and wished him safe travels home. 

I couldn't sleep well last couple of nights and maybe i allowed myself to go down one to many 'conspiracy' rabbit holes .. but i decided too many things didn't add up and i needed to end it.   

When he sent another message talking about things we are doing when he gets back next week, i decided to send a break up message.

I sent him a very warm (my usual style)-- that at some point in the future we catch up, i wish for it to be only in the capacity of friends, as i no longer think we're a good fit romantically.  I wished him a safe journey home and all the very best in the future. 

I purposely didn't specify whether i was breaking up with him because of his lack of contact or suspicions of another woman/en... mostly because i dont know the truth and i'd rather him not know what i do/dont know.. -- only that his behavior doesn't work for me.   

This was about five hours ago, he has seen it and not responded.  He may be very shocked as his messages seemed so assumptive that we were fine and he would see me soon.  Im not sure if he will respond at all now; i kept it warm and respectful.. as i didn't see any sense in leaving things badly.    Im sad/ disappointed of course, but i have to protect myself here.   

 

Edited April 25, 2021 by beentheredonethat77

[elaine567]

I think it takes a certain type of woman to put up with a "travelling for business" man and not go crazy with where he is and what he is getting up to...
3 day MIA with no real explanation is too much, you did the right thing.

[Gaeta]

I also think you did the right thing. Like you I would find suspicious that out of the blue he feels the need to reassure me there is no other women. I think he gave himselves away by saying that. 

[beentheredonethat77]

34 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I think it takes a certain type of woman to put up with a "travelling for business" man and not go crazy with where he is and what he is getting up to...
3 day MIA with no real explanation is too much, you did the right thing.

Thank you, i hope so! -- I feel peace with my decision.. i'll miss him, but better to cut it off now than drag it on as im sure he isn't going to suddenly change for me.  Not at this age.

The interesting part is ive dated a lot of men who travelled for business; one was even gone for two months at a time, and similarly i have done the same.  This has never been an issue for me  because the contact was frequent / throughout day and skype (at the time was the thing) and phone calls.   I also grew up with a Father who travelled internationally for business constantly, and as far as i know trust was never a factor in my parents' relationship as he was so transparent and committed to prioritizing communication with Mum wherever possible; they're still married happily now.  May have helped too that he wasn't the smooth, charming sort .. that was Mum... whereas in this case, my guy is very charistmatic.. and i guess the pit in my stomach cant be ignored..

The issue with this guy is the 'off the grid' for 3 days.. not responding and not answering phone call, then replying suddenly saying saying terrible internet - yet still liking posts on linkedin.  Just couldn't get past that one as it felt like a red flag i couldn't ignore.   Along with the other mini red flags i noted down to do with evasiveness and disrespect (not texting me when being over an hour late etc).    The older i get the more i realize, if it doesn't work with a guy.. im far more happy to be alone and just focus on family and friends and cozy nights in bed with a good book. 

 

[beentheredonethat77]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I also think you did the right thing. Like you I would find suspicious that out of the blue he feels the need to reassure me there is no other women. I think he gave himselves away by saying that. 

right? i agree.   Such a bizarre thing to crowbar into the conversation when i never mentioned possibility of him cheating.  Dead giveaway of someone having a guilty conscience.

[Pumpernickel]

3 hours ago, beentheredonethat77 said:

and i'd rather him not know what i do/dont know.. -- only that his behavior doesn't work for me.   

That’s a good strategy. Keep him guessing. 

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Like you I would find suspicious that out of the blue he feels the need to reassure me there is no other women. I think he gave himselves away by saying that. 

This also jumped out at me. I remember on one of my ex’s last trips before we ended things we did a FaceTime. He was in TelAviv  and liked to show me his accommodations etc. He made a comment at the end of the call (it was late for him with the time zone) something about being alone in his room.  The way it came up I didn’t really catch it until after we hung up, and obviously found it peculiar. 
Later in marriage counseling I brought this comment up, and he admitted yes I was alone but it was after he had already hooked up with someone. Anyway perhaps his comment was intentional to try to let me know he’d been up to no good.

I also think you did the right thing and agree with your approach of taking the high road (no need to get confrontational or hurl insults). Sorry for your loss but doing right by you is most important.

 

Edited April 25, 2021 by ClearEyes-FullHeart